The first night of his visit he told me about the other one.
We were waiting on a train back home after seeing a concert.
His friends called me “le petit flamand avec le beau cul.”
The little flemish with the nice ass.
I was flattered.
He's nice, he likes comics and Italian trash TV. We connect.
Not yet, I wanted to tell you first
You actually met him already, when you visited me last summer
Yes when we were on our way to the airport.
Ah yes. I remember, but I wasn't really focused on the people we met that afternoon.
So you've been talking with him about this for a long time?
For a bit. I though he had a boyfriend first so I didn't dare to make a move.
No, they're just friends.
And he doesn't mind that you have a lover?
No, he believes we're all good people so it shouldn't be a problem.
I don't want to lose you either.
I was so afraid of telling you
He held me in the trainride home, sleeping on my shoulder. I was pretty numb. I didn't know what to think. I can't really remember.
He showed me his face when we got home. It wasn't a clear picture, I just felt numb.
Did we have sex that night? I can't remember. We had before leaving for the concert, so we might not have.
I think those two weeks together were the most beautiful we've had. I was able to let him in, allow him to be close to me in ways no one had before. He met my family, we made dinner for them. He slept next to me in my tiny home bed.
Looking back at that time together, even though it were the closest we'd been for the longest period of time, I feel like I should have shown him more. More of the cities I loved, more of the friends that wanted to meet him. More of a life that could have been ours. Instead we stayed in bed a lot, being as close to each other as we could. I don't regret that, but maybe things would have gone differently if I had shown him more outside of that bubble. Of course these thoughts always come in hindsight. In that moment I was sure we'd have so much more time to do all that.
He deleted his apps during that week. In the moment he did I was happy, because I saw it as a sign he would be faithful to me.
After some months I saw it more as a sign he'd be faithful to the other one. If not for a while at least.
Two days before he left I saw him perform. He looked radiant on that stage. I've never felt more in love with him than in that moment.
The last night he told me he didn't think of the other one that much the past weeks. It gave me hope it would be alright. That it would be ok.
At our goodbye I told him not to worry, because I did feel positive in that moment. Even though I was terrified of what was to come. But I wanted to be positive, because that's what he needed, and I didn't want to lose him.
A week after he left they started sleeping together. And I started waiting. Waiting for that radiant person to come back to me.
I don't want to lose you.
