Who You Should Fight, BUC Edition (Also which Hamilton character they are)
(As decided by Laura, Pemchaa, Jean William, Chrissy, R)
R- i mean, if you wanna fight r go for it, but it’s probably a horrible decision for your future well being because for one thing r deals with customers literally all day, and for another thing r is literal harley quinn, and if there’s two people you don’t wanna fuck with it’s retail workers and harley quinn + i would hate to see what happened as a result of messing with both at once… and for a third thing r is amazing + the buc would come to desecrate your remains, so do not even try motherfuckers.(also R really really really likes throwing things)
king george (but mostly because of Jonathan Groff)
Laura- laura probably wants to fight you but you shouldn’t because you will die. Mostly because they will yell at you for fifteen years because they have no chill. Please fight laura. It will make everyone happier, probably including them, laura needs to be fought. To be honest they have nothing better to do with their time but fight you for days, they don’t sleep, literally it comes down to time, they have way too much time on their hands and will use all of it to fight you(Also if you fight any of the BUC be ready to also fight Laura, it’s a package deal, even if you lose Laura will still fight you again. If you die they will yell at your grave.) (although tbh to fight laura would probably involve attempting to make them sleep, which they need, so ??? you’d still lose but like)
tldr; laura is alexander hamilton
writes voluminously, does not sleep, clever but no chill, yells, they once had red hair, they’re horrendously good-looking #handsomeandtheyknowit
Pre-fight discussion: Of course! I’m an orphan too… I wish there was a war!
Jean-William - please no he will cry a lot and then give you flowers and apologise for driving you to want to fight him in the first place. Also I don’t know why you are trying to fight him? Was he TOO incredible? Was he just being too considerate of the people around him, dear lord go hug a puppy or something. (but if you fight any of the other BUC JW will probably threaten you at the very least) (and if you try to fight JW the other BUC will all, collectively, come after you, because JW is precious, so…)
eliza hamilton
sweet, deals with way too many crappy people, clever + can be tough + puts up with shit but only to a point
Chrissy- do not fight chrissy, she will fuck you up and then feel bad about it and nobody will profit (She was actually in a boxing match once but got out of it by scaring the other person into thinking she knew how to fight purely by body language and smack talk. Mind games, yo) She also lives in the wilderness and knows where to hide bodies. Also Chrissy works in theatre so she is used to dealing with bullshit and will not put up with your shenanigans, she will fight you and make you regret messing up her day and you will probably end up buying her flowers to apologize(is basically like Peggy or something, but if Peggy was an absolute potato… and why would you fight a potato?)
Peggy Schyuler, leave her alone she has shit to do.
(One of her middle names is Margaret, which can be shortened to Peggy so legit.)
Pemchaa - why would you even consider that you asSHOLE NO DON’T EVER EVEN LIKE WHAT NO DO NOT EVEN THINK OF FIGHTING PEMCHAA. EVER. Pemchaa would also probably be yelling at you as they beat you to the ground and that’s just embarrassing, honestly for your own good just leave them.
Older Philip Hamilton
except not dead ever
Hannah- Why? She is no nice? She is just trying to make puns and live? What is wrong with you, I mean if you hate happiness you can fight her but be aware that a) she will pun you to death, and then b) like ten people will be coming after you to make sure you don’t come back.
lafayette?but she’s literally lafayette
thus: practical, tactical, and brilliant? yes. i support this.
Keira- don’t fight keira she’s terrifyingly competent it will be a total curb stomp. Also when you die- because she will kill you- one hundred percent she would get away with murder. I would say she is like Annalise but she would get that shit locked down first episode.
Angelica Schyuler
#truuuuue
Kat- kat is tiny + angry, and is therefore a threat, but she is also terribly adorable so generally it’s a bad idea. Like also, why are you trying to fight Kat? Kat probably like saved a baby bird on her way to school leave the poor person alone what is wrong with you?
james madison
there’s no real characterization reason, it’s just that james madison is literally the best and everyone should love him just like kat
Will- Why would you try and fight Will you monster? He is just a gentle norwegian king who is trying to live a life filled with puns and books. Also he is a librarian so like, he probably has muscles he could fuck you up with. Really you should be wrapping him in blankets and kissing his nose, leave him the fuck alone, or you will have an angry Essi and Laura coming at you and that will be a bad thing for everyone.
John Laurens
Probably has a secret wife
Also I worry about both of them a lot
C- C is probably ready to fight you, they could take you 100% and would be totally cool and calm about it the whole time. I mean if you want to go ahead but don’t say no one warned you. Also be ready for them to verbally destroy you afterwards, and when you end up sobbing don’t come to me for comfort because I warned you.
HERCULES MULLIGAN
yep
Kaci- Kaci theoretically could take you, but won’t, she will just look at you sternly until you walk away ashamed you would ever try to bother someone so sweet and kind. Honestly, you will probably end up re evaluating all your life choices after trying to fight Kaci, as you should because she is so sweet literally do not.
Aaron Burr
Poor person someone hug them
Essi- essi is amazing, and therefore probably does not want to fight you. please do not force essi to fight you. she is totally willing to sit down and talk this out. why would you. also like… the entire buc would come for you if you tried to fight essi, it would not go well, please don’t.
Young Philip the precious
E- E will kill you. You will lose this fight and he won’t even blink, I mean probably he will blink eventually but not then and he will not hesitate to take you the fuck out if you bother him, because he is awesome and I really don’t know why you are bothering him in the first place.
George Washington
Literally the founding father of the BUC