Promoted and Failed

The best and worst of social media promotions. Mostly worst.

[lastowka]

“Mom? I finally got a modeling job." 

"That’s great dearie! You’ve worked for years to—Wait, why are you sobbing?” pic.twitter.com/XxHATNXMpc

[promotedandfailed]

Intestinal version of the Devil On Your Shoulder

[citationneeded]

Cincinnati chili

The name “Cincinnati chili” is often confusing to those unfamiliar with it, who expect the dish to be similar to chili con carne; it is common for those encountering it for the first time to conclude it is a poor example of chili.

Link

[promotedandfailed]

Swing and a miss, guys! Describing something as an acquired taste is now bad writing?

[joshreads]

meanwhile, KEEP CALM memes have mutated in some pretty weird directions while we weren’t looking

[promotedandfailed]

yes but Prince Philip was heard saying this just the other day

[doomsdaypicnic]

Rifftrax: Radical Jack (2000/2015)

Before Billy Ray Cyrus spent his every waking moment in a nightmarish hell-swamp of parental shame, he had a hit record, on the basis of which he launched his ‘acting’ career, the most notable points of which are his bizarre appearance as the amorous pool boy in Mulholland Drive (2001), his folksy-small-town-doctor-in-the-big-city TV show Doc (2001-2004; that’s right, it ran for FIVE SEASONS), and this straight-to-rental actioner from the producer of Run, Buckwheat Run and Sexual Predator Alert that will have you wondering if you weren’t, perhaps, a little hard on Roadhouse 2: Last Call, which at least had Richard Norton and Herman’s Head in it . 

Billy Ray plays the title character, a burned-out ex-Navy Seal who has traumatic flashbacks of his family being murdered in tasteful sepia tones, and who, because some horrible weirdo in a black suit asked him to, goes to a very small town to bust up an arms-smuggling ring run by a sadistic yuppie-type called Roland (seriously) who is the son of a politician or something. Jack infiltrates the operation by getting a job at the bar Roland likes to hang around in telling stories to his friends about contracting genital warts from strangers when he’s not busy smuggling arms or having sex with/beating up Michelle Pfeiffer’s sister. She, naturally, gravitates towards Jack and his radicalness, which makes Roland even more squinty and irritable, leading everyone down the road to a final confrontation. It’s probably called Final Confrontation Road.

Jack your rads immediately by going to Rifftrax and either downloading or streaming what critics are calling “one of Dedee Pfeiffer’s better films from the early 2000s”, or Hannah Montana’s dad will come to your abandoned warehouse and drop a grenade on your trouser area.

Asahi!

[lastowka]

I wish that Asahi Loving Henchman was in every movie.

[promotedandfailed]

Definitely Worth the $, recommend, A++++++ go to rifftrax.com now, people

[citationneeded]

Et tu, Brute?

Caesar was known to be very fond of Brutus, and to treat him as a father would a son, and took him under his wing as his protégé. However, for Caesar to have been the father of Brutus, the child must have been conceived when Caesar was only 14 years and 2 months old (assuming a usual 9 months pregnancy). Caesar’s sexual exploits were well known, and he and Servilia had met by that time, but it is probably better to assume that the words suggest only that Caesar had had a warm regard for Brutus, and had regarded him almost as a son.

Link (thanks, Alex!)

[promotedandfailed]

Another alien entry

[flusschen-deactivated20150829]

meanwhile in 1997 these cutting edge internet themed crayons were born

[aninventoryofthepossible]

www.purple

[promotedandfailed]

In 1999, my company decided to put their storefront online (innovators!!)

To attract Silicon-Valley-types, they put in a cafe called Eats.com, which featured such delicacies as NetBagelBytes and e.croissant.coms.

I needed a URL shortener to order food, but they hadn't been invented yet :(

[citationneeded]

Soccer (dog)

Link (thanks, Sillstaw!)

[promotedandfailed]

Ah, one the primitive breeds that sires dogs, not leprechauns.

[hijinksensue]

Chet: “What should we call our air conditioning and heating business, Gary?”

Gary: “Something simple and direct. How about Affiliated Air?” 

Chet: “Sounds good. What about the logo?” 

Gary: “I was thinking maybe A LAWNMOWER MAN-ESQUE 3D CYBERSCAPE AVATAR WITH SEMI TRANSLUCENT COBALT METALLIC SKIN, DUAL WIELDING THE ELEMENTAL POWERS OF FIRE AND ICE! FROM HIS VERY LIMBS HE COMMANDS THE ALL CONSUMING FLAME AND THE ALL ARRESTING COLD! THE QUESTION IS CAN HE WREST CONTROL OF HIS POWERS FROM THE UNIVERSE THAT CREATED THEM BEFORE THEY CONSUME HIM?!”

Chet: “Is affiliated with one F or two?”

[joshreads]

EARTH MAGIC CERTIFICATION PROGRAM

[promotedandfailed]

Refer someone to this classic new-age-scammery next time someone pokes fun of your region, people of flyover-country.

[joshreads]

[promotedandfailed]

Thought at first he was carrying a surfboard here, rather than standing in front of a crappy bar sign.

[lastowka]

Ninja Rap Video

In honor of our upcoming TMNT RiffTrax, I have made an offer on Twitter to post a video of me performing Vanilla Ice’s Ninja Rap onstage in 2000. Here is the tweet to RT: https://twitter.com/clastowka/status/571003409945399297

Bonus: in the video I am wearing what appears to be a full grown bear.

[promotedandfailed]

Please open your Twitters and RT, as this is, as Salt 'n' Pepa would say, Very Necessary

[laughingsquid]

A Surprisingly Dark Look at What Time Traveling Back to the 1990s Might Actually Be Like

[promotedandfailed]

Good stuff. But he could have shown the terrorists episodes of "Hey Dude" and they would have rethought their whole outlook.

[citationneeded]

Throughout the book, details in Eastman’s illustrations seem to invite the reader to notice the deeper significance of small things. In their first appearance, a girl dog asks a boy dog if he likes her hat with its little flower. He does not; they part. Several pages later, we meet them again....

[promotedandfailed]

Human Children's books Reviewed by Aliens

[truncheonthing]

♫♪ scream all you want, it will never be enough ♫♪

[promotedandfailed]

they are all just various stages of the Flattop mask being melted

[joshreads]

DO YOU EVER DO THE ‘HIP-HOP’

[promotedandfailed]

no... there is no way anyone could ever write this gag non-ironically ... right?!

[citationneeded]

Man cave

Link

[promotedandfailed]

Huh. To think that this whole time I've been calling my man cave an "office."

[newkidsonmycock20]

[joshreads]

me IRL right now

[promotedandfailed]

Is that Aaron Paul??