My Life Is A Joke @pronetopronoia - Tumblr Blog

Paging Doctor Me, Apparently?

I’m sure I’m just reading that incorrectly.

The most important thing is that I am basically healthy. Which is pretty mind-boggling to me because I was under the impression that you cannot cure Type 2 Diabetes which developed from extreme obesity and hormonal imbalance resulting from Metabolic Syndrome which spurred from a combination of genetics and extremely poor dietary practices over years not to mention associated organ damage from treating your body like an amusement park for decades.

Also, why is my provider listed as me with my middle initial at the bottom but then my name as patient this letter is addressed to above? Am I to just continue being my own physician? Is this sarcasm telling me to not do that? How is it my fault that I have to fix my own issues. I’m being responsible!

I’m sure it is totally fine. Just happy for a clean bill of health! I was like, totally worried!

I’ll possibly write a more scholarly article on Medium at some point. It’s super amazing medical professionals just allow me to be my own doctor. That’s totally helpful. I guess I should have stuck with pre-med instead of binge drinking myself into degrees in something stupid and useless like English and film and literature which have destined me to surely die in a dumpster somewhere.

Oh this cruel world!

Shameless Self-Promotion

Of all the stupid little Internet things I’ve made over the years, the QC Food Truck Calendar has to be my favorite.

It was such a good idea.

“Hey, we have food trucks now, where they at?”

I honestly have no idea but I’ll find out mainly out of my own curiosity because I, too, enjoy the food of the streets, and then I’ll make a Facebook and website about it so anyone else can see too.

Why. Wouldn’t. You. Do. That?

I have since learned why.

I only pissed a few people off near the beginning with non Jesus Is Lord-approved memes, and had I not “sold out” (in parenthesis to indicate sarcasm) to the mystical and magical Food Truck Alliance (i.e. consider taking on a ton of unpaid responsibility and excluding some of the area’s most popular trucks because they wouldn’t join the Alliance and then attempting to work with someone who simply cannot use logic, reason, common sense, nor has the ability to focus on tasks in any sort of priority or importance over another before simply just handing everything over to them and abandoning ship) maybe I’d still be posting silly food memes and f*cking around over my lunch breaks playing online scavenger hunt about local street carts.

MY ONLY HOPE: That the Alliance (has it disbanded or gotten more competent leadership at the very least?) just gave the Facebook password to all of the food trucks in the area, since that page has quite a following at this point, and each individual truck can simply post to that page as needed so as to inform the already-built audience/following who want and are looking for what they do specifically whenever they need to.

It is this whole marketing advertising thing. And quite an illustration on the following:

If you have a tremendous portfolio or skill in one or more professional areas or arenas, for the sweet merciful love of everything and anything you find holy, do not even consider returning to the Midwest to be closer to family if you do not plan to turn your body into a manufacturing plant of children. Also save your goddamn money versus spend it like crazy all over the place regardless of how much you’re helping the local economy (#shoplocal) so you do not become trapped and slowly perish because you absolutely will.

Your family doesn’t actually care about you as an individual, nor any of your accomplishments, and especially not any of whatever your professional mumbo jumbo it is you’re talking about. You will be taken serious advantage of due to your skill set and experience and the extreme and astounding lack of people who know what the f*ck they are doing (there are a few, but they are few and far-between, and battered beyond belief, metaphorically speaking).

If you come to the Midwest, have a ton of cash and be ready to retire and be ready to have people just unreasonably demand you “invest” your cash with them in some of the dumbest crack-pot business ideas on the planet. It’s like reverse Shark Tank. You’re not smelling blood in the water, you’re about to hemorrhage. Money. From these people who have no idea how to do what they convinced you to invest in. It’s fine though some governmental bullshit will step in and prevent economic collapse. Probably.

Anyway, keep them 👀’s peeled on the QC Food Truck Calendar page in case anything happens with it. I am sure someone is just waiting in the wings to take it over versus it be used as suggested above. I hope they enjoy their skyrocket to glory.

Goddamnit this weather fu*cking sucks. Can it just be nice out so the food trucks can emerge already? Who gives a sh*t about the stupid Facebook page anyway! I just want some street sausages!

#thatswhatshesaid

Do you ever look back at all your younger shenanigans and just think:

“Wow, you stupid bitch.”

I honestly do sometimes and then others, well, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some serious fun.

I can’t call myself a specific religion even though I went through all the Catholic initiation stuff and the funny hat guy welcomed me into the Union or whatever with his secret whisper that I was supposed to apparently remember because my friend asked me what he said afterwards and I don’t even remember at this point if I remembered even at that time but looking back now I wish I did remember because now that’s just going to drive me nuts like when you can’t remember the name of a song you want to add to your latest Spotify running playli...

Nevermind.

Not to knock Catholicism completely (it’s a sham of which there’s no escape because you internalize it), however I definitely just pick and choose stuff from as many different religions as I possibly can and then apply them whenever I feel like it and just kind of hope for the best. Usually for my own and hopefully others’ amusement. Mostly my own though.

I actually do still believe in God though because I still have a little fear left, which is why I think he’s punishing me for being such a stupid little trash heap in my youth.

And just to be clear, I am referring to God as a concept. In no way am I referring to any specific person or person(s) with a God Complex, however those people are a true delight to have to deal with!

I feel like God is like,

“Well, you really lived it up there Lauren. Great job! You accomplished some things but what have you actually done for me lately? Let’s see... hmmmm... I am going to have to punish you so let me think of a way... Oh! Your greatest fear is entrapment and being stuck with someone abusive or ending up with a family of your own of which you know full well you won’t be able to function dealing with healthily so to the Midwest I banish you, which is actually a really nice place, it’s just that socially, apparently anything different than those three options is unable to thrive so you are absolutely going to die trying to figure a way out of any one or more of those three scenarios because of the people who will surround you so good luck to you maybe you shouldn’t have been not even that bad of a person just your alcohol tolerance truly frightened me there for awhile so this is what you get.”

Thanks, God!

(If I had to pick one thing I could maybe be good at it would be metaphorical defensive linebacker and yes that is a self-deprecating fat joke said only because if I’m in an abusive relationship with myself I’m unavailable to be in one with another person)

Things To Get Out Of And Also Not Die:

1. Abusive Relationship ✔️ (you’re your own abuser, in a joking way, leaving you unavailable to anyone else to be that way)

2. Entrapment ✔️ (uh, remember the stuff you escaped from before? this shouldn’t even be on the list)

3. A Family So Far So Good (you’re 37 so hopefully your eggs are close to all being scrambled by now)

If God thinks of something else to punish me with I’ll add to the list so check back or perhaps you’ll watch it happen in real time via a meme on my Facebook wall!

Hey Lauren, you like figuring out puzzles, right? I heard you just finally fully came to terms that you were “mentally handicapped” as defined by assholes...

“Oh you heard all that?”

Yeah, I mean it’s very apparent, but I think we are all just wondering if you have fully grasped the entirety of its full...

“If you’re about to head into fat joke territory, lol, however I am just not in the mood to laugh right now.”

Ok, so, you “just now” came to this “realization” and I guess I am just wondering what you are going to do to cope with all of that.

“I mean just keep living my life, I guess. All you can do is be true to yourself. And I think it’s really neat that there are so many different groups for all kinds of different people with shared interests to come together as one, despite overwhelming obstacles and...”

This is a leap but are you seriously calling members of the military, gang members, Al-queda, members of the KKK, anyone a little TOO into their religious beliefs, police, I mean I could go on and on. Are you seriously, right now, calling everyone retarded?

“Kinda.”

Aren’t you a stand-up comedian?

“Mmmmm hmmmm.”

Can you put together a cohesive set though?

I have the ability to.

Well why haven’t you?

“Please reference above.”

So everyone else is retarded so it’s preventing you from being able to put together a set.

“I am just saying sometimes you have so much material it’s overwhelming and then to just put it into one five minute cohesive set and then at the actual open mic. you get new stuff that just materializes because of someone elses’ stupidity I just...”

Sounds like some excuses to me.

*end scene*

I am a really big cheerleader for good self esteem, even against all odds. Also, I am a really big fan of independence and avoiding the feeling where you’ve lost all control to the hands of another person (the reasons behind that don’t need to be talked about at great length).

I don’t particularly want much control of anything other than like, my own body and health, or living situation, because anything else seems like a lot of hassle. I most certainly am not keen as an adult on the idea of some other person attempting to assert control over me.

Again, too. much. of. a. hassle.

Anyway, I do have interesting coping mechanisms to deal with all this completely unfounded anxiety though.

If you weren’t aware, I have a *bit* of an issue with anxiety.

I’m not ashamed of it.

Everyone has stuff.

Blah, blah, blah.

I get a lot of relief through writing.

Tonight I’m making myself my own legally binding power of attorney so that no one else can be because I also just so happen to be a registered notary public in the state of Iowa.

“That is very strange and seems like a waste of time also you are being very paranoid.”

In no way am I going to argue with you however it’s simply a matter of writing/creating a document, printing it, and then notarizing it to give myself my own piece of mind and for that, I suppose I am just very happy that’s even something I have the ability to do.

#whatdoyoudoonmondaynights

#watchtvlikeanormalperson

#wellexcusemeforlivin

THE. HANGER. Did you look in... dear god man look in the abandoned hangar! 😱😱😱

The picture for this blog is a white background with the words STUPID IDEA written in all caps in red. You could almost, like, consider it a sign or something.

People doing stupid things is hilarious. ESPECIALLY if you can make them do it.

I’m just kidding, that’s stupid. Also, mean. Mostly stupid though.

Also, that’s a little bit called manipulating someone with a mental illness and/or autism and/or a learning disability.

My argument is that it is the exact same thing as manipulating someone who is stupid. But that’s not a very popular opinion so I will see myself right out the door.

I am just kidding, doing that can be totally hilarious.

ESPECIALLY if you manipulate someone who’s main concern is just actual stupidity and laziness.

In that instance it’s time to fucking party.

Those are usually the people who make a game out of getting out of stuff, and getting others’ to do stuff they don’t want to do.

Like a business owner.

The worst kind is the one who won’t do ANYTHING, but like, they are pulling that shit right at the beginning of the business. At a certain point you will become useless as a business owner because it is exhausting however if you don’t have endurance then you gone have a bad time.

HEY METAPHORICAL DONALD TRUMP DO NOT KEEP STARTING BUSINESSES UNTIL YOU’VE PUT YOUR TIME IN AT THE ONE YOU ALREADY HAVE AND REALLY LEARNED ITS INS AND OUTS SO IT CAN BE EXCEPTIONALLY SUCCESSFUL INDEPENDENT OF HURTING ANY EMPLOYEES AND/OR FUCKING THE SURROUNDING ECONOMY TOO QUICKLY EVERYONE ENJOYS A SLOW FUCK SOMETIMES.

If they (I am referring to the business owner, employees will always be generally “useless” because they are only there to collect pay to do whatever it is they actually want to do so probably treat them well as in the perfect combination of hands-off and being available to suggest a fun thing to go do but you’re actually busy so you will just see them later or you will have quite the nightmare to concern yourself with) are already useless in the first five or so years completely independent of that business’ success (speaking taxually or factually, this is getting into higher I.Q. territory so tread slowly, the aquiring of knowledge takes time) they are just an ineffective and inefficient business owner.

If that applies to you please do just fucking kill yourself already and blame it on this blog because then you actually did have a mental health concern and the people in your life that didn’t see you sent to treatment well they are very much to blame, it’s a crisis, ya’ll!

The key to solving the mental health crisis in America is to just abstain from killing yourself and then be kind to the truly mentally ill versus fucking with them unless they are a comedian in which case they have all the mental illnesses ready to cue up as-needed and they are just waiting for you to keep playing. Unfortunately you won’t know when they are going to switch positions unless you happen to be familiar with that game called chess (and not in the way you’re probably thinking) so just put your helmet on if you think you’re ready to play full-contact sports (I can assure you that you are not).

Now, back to small business management, if you’re in no way actually mentally ill, if any of the above applies to you whatsoever, the goddamn economy and people’s lives are at stake if you can’t figure out that you need to fucking WORK HARD until you are able to FULLY UNDERSTAND that each job function requires a different person who specializes in that specific function in order to take that function completely off your plate. If you cannot do that find someone you fully trust to tag into the ring, sell out, fucking step up, retire, kill yourself, or fucking lose it and go Jack Kerouac on everyone because then some screenwriter now has a paycheck and since you were too stupid to sell your businesse(s) at least maybe your friends and family can exploit your death to help cover the cost of the damage you left in your wake or pay for your funeral expenses.

That’s 6 choices! That’s awesome! Lots of choices are a good thing! Focusing so intently on one choice is in no way helpful so look at all the choices available and weigh options and take your time because then if one of those choices isn’t meant for you it has plenty of time to become unavailable which helps that old decision process make itself and in the meantime you can FOCUS ON FURTHER DEVELOPING YOUR CURRENT BUSINESS(ES).

And I feel you, like, how do you trust them to just do their job? God damn employees are THE WORST but if you can make things simple in that, hey, here’s this job, let’s asses your skills, oh ok you got this, just do that and here’s fair pay and benefits, we all good? Oh we good, fuck yeah!

Don’t hire someone that you already know you are going to have to manipulate into doing things because if they are smart they will scurry away and if you trap them in a way that is anything other than fair pay, benefits, and job security, they will bring the metaphorical pain that could sink your ship and not one person wants that.

Just from one business owner to the next!

I Miss Andy Kauffman

Do you guys remember Andy Kauffman? Maybe you saw when Jim Carry played him in that movie with all the R.E.M. songs, on his journey to enlightenment or whatever? Great performance Jim.

Anyway, I realize one of the things Mr. Kauffman did as his apparent brain tumor really started getting a hold of him or whatever it was he died of again, was fight women in a ring.

Not maybe the most appropriate at the time.

Insert whatever domestic violence jokes you want to here but I guess I am just saying *I think* I understand what he was trying to say. Just maybe the delivery wasn’t the best. Sometimes communication can be difficult when you’ve got a lot of information coming at you but you really just want to tell someone or everyone something but you can’t quite get it out.

Maybe, just maybe he was saying, “Hey ladies, you can’t just always get whatever you want regardless of anyone and everyone’s feelings. Like this “your way or the highway thing”, maybe consider the highway then, like go on and git! Just getting your way all the time because if you don’t you’ll have a shit fit well I mean other people do exist in the world and if your way is so fucking ridiculous that it is literally hurting others’ then maybe fucking consider the option that you should pick something else to do or at least pick something that isn’t negatively impacting someone else.”

I mean I don’t know what even spurred all that for him. Maybe he was surrounded by spoiled brats to the point it finally broke him and he just associated all women with being useless spoiled brats. I am in no way saying he himself wasn’t a useless spoiled brat because he was on SNL at a fairly young age rather than being funneled there in his older age by that DEMON Lorne Michaels... what???

No, but seriously, I just totally understand kind of what maybe, just possibly, his deal *might* have been and I guess thumbs down to cancer.

“Uh, god gives cancer to assholes.”

Well, ok, that very well might be the case because a lot of fucking people get cancer, man. Like, a lot! It’s a crisis and there’s definitely some environmental stuff to all that but just bottom line I am in no possible way saying Andy Kauffman wasn’t an asshole, however I wish he was still here and in fighting shape because I just feel like putting him in the ring against lazy entitled millennials would solve so. many. problems. And there are millennials of all ages so I mean I guess I just want to see some fucking caged aggression against folks who’ve never actually learned discipline. It’s a very important life skill and if people can’t figure it out I would very much love to watch an extremely healthy and skilled-at-fighting Andy Kauffman fucking beat the shit out of not women specifically, necessarily, but just line up the disrespectful whining children of all ages who refuse to take care of themselves or contribute in some way and unless they have a true medical excuse to get them out of facing Andy in the ring then line those babies up its time to take your medicine. By medicine I mean no rules, MMA, whatever fighting style is the most brutal.

#happysundayifyouareluckyenoughtohaveajobthatscheduledyoutodayfuckinggoandbehappyandshutthefuckupeventhoughbrunchpeoplearethegoddamnworstpeoplesometimes

I’m Just Too Old For This Shit And I Accept That And I’m OK With All Of It

Hey, it’s Saturday morning which means last night was Friday night and I’m not sure what you all did last night but does anyone else feel like the steamiest heap of trash this AM?

“Uh, really with that? Did you not get enough abuse at Iowa? Did you not learn even just a partial lesson the 6-ish years you spent literally terrorizing the greater Chicagoland area with your “inhuman alcohol tolerance”? Are you seriously here to tell us as a 37 year-old-woman that you, literally, are actually, still, with this?! It’s not cool, seriously. It’s sad at this point. I mean goddamn!”

I was talking about the gas station hamburger, donut, and chips & dip I had last night in bed after three craft beers (which was, in fact, 1.5 too many and I will remember that, although Odell has an IPA that is very pleasant).

“Oh. Um... somehow that is much more acceptable, relatable, and... well, it’s still sad but actually sometimes with that gas station food, am I right?”

Seriously! I used to have a different eating disorder and I would fucking pound the hot dogs they have on the rollers I mean those fucking things are deli...

“Ok, now you’re getting back into really sad territory. Are you aware of what’s in a hot dog and then you’re going to compound that because gas station food exponentially multiplies something something something... I mean, like, you’d never eat gas station sushi obviously, however you can probably apply that logic even to something benign like those hot dogs...”

I would crush gas station sushi depending on the week I had.

“You need therapy.”

Oh yeah, well, get THIS: There is a place at Northpark (the 5th circle of hell, Southpark is the 6th, those are facts, and if you’re not aware those are the two Malls in muh town(s)) that has really good sushi. I don’t even like sushi that much but I took a walk on the wild side the other day with a reasonably-priced bento box lunch special and was just blown away.

The normal rules do not apply here. Here in the Quad Cities.

It’s some kind of weird inter-dementional microchosm. You can actually be 100% sober here and trip balls beyond your wildest imagination because were you aware that there’s a man who might literally be the actual Santa Clause who just drives around a giant red car that looks like if a shoe was made into an old-timey hot rod and just blasts Christmas music louder than a Harley Davidson guy blasts Bon Jovi in the lane next to you in the summer?

“The hormones in that gas station hamburger are hitting you so hard right now, aren’t they?”

I think maybe that plus the donut and chips and dip and I am going to go chug some water and go exercise until I can feel the icy grip of blood sugared death loosen its grip.

“You’re being a little dramatic but then I feel like probably also quasi-serious.”

As I mentioned quite explicitly at the top of the post, I am just too old for this shit and I accept that fully.

Happy Saturday!

POSTSCRIPT: Last night a delightful young gentleman asked me if he should take an Uber after listing an amount of alcohol he obviously didn’t actually drink and I was completely 50/50 split on responding with “Obviously go get an Uber.” and “Oh you wanna dance with the devil in the pale moonlight you whipper-snapper back in the early 2000’s I made the Chicagoland Interstate system my bitch! Drunk driving is a skill that not many can master young Padawan. What’s your car situation? Let’s go get a handle of Hawkeye Vodka and head to Albuquerque! TALLY-HO!!!” and I am just requesting that we all try to meet on the same page where you can please consider me the most vapid of basic and let’s chat about puppies or coffee or something.

Just because you have the ability to do something does not mean you need to. Although I fully realize telling someone that is a direct invitation to do whatever that thing is.

Catch 22! That was a book and then also a thing you can do out at the bars on a Friday night but thank god 22 year olds are so annoying to me that I know I won’t actually end up driving to Albuquerque with one even though it would be hilarious.

Again, as I mentioned previously, I am just really getting too old for this shit. But it’s at least amusing so I mean carry on.

If you have a juice cleanse recommendation please DM me. I. AM. KIDDING. THAT. IS. AKIN. TO. CHUGGING. SUGAR. WATER. GODDAMIT. ARE. YOU. A. HUMMINGBIRD. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

This is why you end up with no friends as you age.

A Man Was Mean To Me At The Bus Stop Today But I Made It A Teachable Moment Instead Of Showing Any Emotion Whatsoever

Full disclosure I teared-up *SLIGHTLY* on the bus later when I thought more about it but I’M. FINE. NO. SERIOUSLY. JUST. READ.

Ok. So. I had an encounter with a gentleman this afternoon and these are my thoughts on the exchange. He was white, somewhere between 58-70 (?), and he was *a bit* weathered. Worse-for-wear, if you will.

The man had lived his life thoroughly up until this point is what I am saying to you.

Me: *Walks up to bus stop*

Older Gentleman: *Walks up to bus stop*

We Both: *Smile Midwesternly at each other*

Older Gentleman: *Unintelligable mumbling in my direction*

Me: *Removing one headphone* I’m so sorry Sir, I didn’t quite hear you.

Older Gentleman: *A bit of a garbled sentence that I can’t quite understand about the weather*

Me: Oh yes, it is very pretty snow but I will be glad when the bus arrives!

Older Gentleman: *Some sentence fragments about my headphones and how he doesn’t like them because they could break off and get stuck in the ear drum*

Me: Oh goodness that seems painful!

Older Gentleman: But you like them though.

Me: Yessir.

AWKWARD. SILENCE.

Older Gentleman: What bus are you waiting for?

Me: Um the bus? I think the 7? (The 3 ended up being the correct one)

Older Gentleman: *mocking my voice* Ummmm, the bus? *mumbing under his breath* Duh you stupid bitch.

***Now I am going to stop right here for a dramatic pause.***

“OH. MY. GOD! He did NOT just say that! Are you KIDDING me?! Holy. Shit. What did you say?!?! Did you pop off?! Please tell me you fucking let that old bastard have it.”

No. I did absolutely nothing. I gave absolutely no reaction other than very calmly turn up my headphones and then remove him from my reality.

“Excuse me, what? Hey were you actually just smoking a blunt with a homeless man at a bus stop today you loser?”

Lol. I can see why you’d think that, but you don’t have to do drugs to alter reality when you’re doing it because someone is being horrible to you.

“Uh, what? Am I going to need to smoke to read the rest of this?”

Do whatever you wanna do. Look, here is the deal. The bottom line is that I didn’t know what bus I needed. His question caught me off guard. Also, I somehow can completely understand and relate to his annoyance. I wish instead of mumbing to himself that I was a stupid bitch he had detected the confusion in my voice and simply followed up with perhaps a, “Where are you trying to go young lady?” and then maybe a bus suggestion. Although I am sure he wishes I had simply removed my headphones promptly after hearing the dangers they pose.

Unfortunately I needed them at that moment because it’s super-easier to remove someone from your reality when you have headphones on.

“Ok, seriously, what is this ‘remove someone from your reality’ bullshit?”

It’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s when a man you’ve just met calls you a stupid bitch at a bus stop so he doesn’t get the privilege of being in your reality any longer.

“Um, excuse me but did you murder a hobo at a bus stop today?! Jesus christ! I hope the feds are seeing this!”

Not physically murder but completely remove any and all of my available attention away from his being to the point where he no longer existed, to me.

“You made him disappear?!”

Put.

The.

Joint.

Down.

No, I simply placed the attention I had placed on him previously in order to interact, elsewhere. So although he still physically stood there, to me (my own perception), he was removed.

“You are starting to sound a little bit like your old rambling father, Lauren. Seriously. The ironic thing is that this old man today reminded you a little of your father, and you were filled with pity, which is why you teared up later, isn’t it?”

Oh myself, you know me so well which is really good since therapy is not in my budget right now.

I guess after all that I am just wondering if that was the best way to handle that exchange. I know plenty of women who would have FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT ON HIM. Would that have been more beneficial for all of humankind and prevented him from calling another young woman a stupid bitch under his breath at a bus stop in the future? Maybe?

One tiny little thing I noticed though. I’ll have to backtrack and admit I didn’t remove him ENTIRELY from my reality, just like, 95%. Because I wanted to see if he’d notice or react whatsoever to my non-reaction (I’m assuming he’s lived a life of women and people in general reacting to his behavior versus not reacting). He very much noticed and he started copying my actions. I got out my dollar bill arbitrarily with no bus yet in sight, he got out his dollar bill. I walked up to each bus asking if they were going to my destination (2nd one was a charm), he was right behind me each time. It was as if he had no idea what to do because no one had NOT reacted to his behavior in so long (if ever) that the entire situation was so disorienting he just followed me.

EXCUSE YOU OLD MAN OBVIOUSLY YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT BUS YOU NEED EITHER, WHO’S THE STUPID BITCH NOW?!

Just kidding.

Also, behavior is the weirdest!

Am I the stupid one because the old man silenced me and then just followed whatever I was doing so he didn’t have to think for himself? Or is he the stupid one because I speak mental illness fluently and if I need to take him right back to the forests of ‘Nam I will not hesitate next time we run into each other at the bus station?

I. AM. KIDDING. AGAIN.

Lesson for today: Kindness makes a difference.

Is it exceptionally sad that this man’s version of kindness equated to completely being ignored because I am only to assume he is only accustomed to conflict and combat?

It is.

Like, devastatingly sad.

But everyone’s experience is different and I showed an old incompetent man his version of kindness today even when he called me a stupid bitch versus get in a fight at a bus stop like some kind of screaming West End white trash garbage pile shaped into the loose form of a person and I just hope in some small way I had some kind of effect on his descisions in the future when it comes to calling nice young women stupid bitches out in public directly to their faces “unprovoked”.

Can you imagine if people all over the country collectively stopped reacting when someone is obviously being the worst? Those people would quickly get tired of not having any results and pick up something else to do. Can you just imagine if whatever they moved onto next was something constructive and beneficial?

It would be kind of the best.

So, about that older gentleman today. Well he’s definitely been removed from my reality so I mean I guess in the end that small exchange doesn’t actually matter but I did get this blog post out of it I guess.

I certainly won’t be seeing him again and I like loud music and have headphones in almost always so I won’t even hear a faint “hey stupid bitch!” if I ever happen to enter his reality again.

So, basically, just try to be kind.

Always.

Even in combat.

OH MY FUCKING GOD IT’S BLACK FRIDAY!!!!

If you haven’t been at the mall all night giving people black eyes for standing between you and this season’s most killer deals YOU. AIN’T. SHIT!

No, but seriously, be safe today. No game bundle plus a FREE $40 gift card to Olive Garden is worth spilling a peppermint latte on your lap in the car because I am telling you people, traffic will be a nightmare today!

I’m writing this blog post from the safety of my apartment as I am in no way participating in Black Friday this year because:

1. I’m cold.

2. I’m tired.

3. I don’t have a pair of boxing gloves.

In all seriousness, here in the Midwest people are fairly polite. With the exception of WalMart there most likely won’t be any actual fights, and the weather hasn’t been too bad so the local emergency rooms shouldn’t be too overrun treating the people who camped out in front of Best Buy for 36 hours for frostbite.

I’m writing this for any of my gal pals who might be standing in a long line waiting to redeem coupons who are looking at their phones right now.

Specifically my single ladies.

Can I get a hello!?

Sisters, I feel you this time of year! I’ve actually only seen one engagement announcement and one ex welcoming their first child so my sobbing has been minimal. I mean I don’t even want kids but I’m still going to cry, it’s my god-given right as a single girl at Christmas to rapidly alternate between eating chocolate, looking at Instagram pictures of warm climates, and fucking sobbing for no reason, OK?!

Anyway, let’s talk about boys because I talked to a really funny young lady yesterday and got some tips that I’m not going to be able to actually implement into my own life but it was still really cool to hear.

We were talking about guys being assholes, which they have been known to be like. And she was telling me some of the ways in which she deals with that which are quite different than my methods.

She does not take shit from any of them and will not hesitate to fuck. a dude. up! Which, just being a fly on the wall for one of these encounters, would be amazing. She told me that if a guy won’t leave her alone at a bar she will publicly proclaim to everyone at the bar that someone’s drunk asshole has wandered and they need to come retrieve him. LOL! *embarassing!*

She told me she is not oppposed to basically murder when a guy does that thing when they come up to you and tell you to smile.

I mean that is pretty annoying.

I like to just smile and bat my eyes and politely ask that maybe they should give me a reason to smile and then as soon as they start talking just kind of wander off, lol. I mean unless he’s really hot or funny and then I guess I am just singlehandedly perpetuating the problem. Sorry!

I really love men though. I have definitely dealt with some not-so-nice ones, some situations WAYYYY not the best, but people’s true nature usually reveals itself depending on how they treat you or other people around them so I just kind of try to notice all that and then fucking repel and/or run if something seems too horrifying.

Running really is my favorite thing. Both for excercise and dealing with terrible people.

I understand people have emotions and it’s not possible for everyone to just be so zen and nice that heart rate becomes a question but I think that would be so cool. I need to really work on accepting that as not being reality though so I’m not this perpetual weird zombie just floating around from one social situation to the next simply vanishing into thin air whenever things get remotely uncomfortable.

Sometimes I need to definitely chill out more though. I’ve had some sexual harassment in the workplace occcurrances and terrifying roommate situations happen in the past which just has yet to be a positive experience, so some days I am way too hyper-sensitive.

The other night a friend of mine jokingly was saying something about grabbing my ass or something at the bar and I just straight up blacked out from terror and went home for the night.

Bitch you need to fucking get yourself in to see a therapist or something, ohhhh kayyyyy?

Although, someone else, this really cool guy actually, told me so nicely that my hair smelled good and I honestly don’t give a shit if they were making fun of me and my hair was like the worst to them, but I’m going to think positively and that single compliment alone will seriously carry me through the next six months from thinking I’m a worthless garbage person.

It’s the little things goddamnit!

“Excuse me but you’re in your late thirties and you just literally typed ‘let’s talk about boys’ and referred to someone as ‘this really cool guy’... are you being serious, orrrrrrrr????”

I am being, like, 73% serious.

Here’s the deal, we just had an election cycle and some very smart young woman were able to attain some leadership roles and the fucking garbage they have put up with so far, in seriously such a short amount of time, is unreal to me. Those bitches are handling things like champions too but it just seems so unnecessary.

Why does America need to be a country of stupid assholes? WHY???? And then when we make a little progress the new folks stepping the fuck up to try and change things get shit on????

I don’t even know what my point is at this point I guess.

Basically, this holiday season (and going into 2019), TRY to see things from others’ perspective. TRY to be just a little kinder to people. TRY not to take any shit from people, not necessarily by responding with violence, but definitely do not give any of your time to someone who isn’t respectful of your time or who you are as a person.

Have an amazing rest of the day! I hope there’s enough deals for everyone, and if there’s not, tomorrow is Small Business Saturday which is the day you should be spending the majority of your holiday shopping dollars anyway if you happen to care about your local economy and blah, blah, blah 😁. (Please check out Paradisiac Publishing on Facebook for a post on how to purchase titles tomorrow!) #shoplocal #butidefinitelylovethatblackfridaydrama

Lol remember Kieth Flint?

Get it? His last name was flint and he started fires with his rants or whatever? I actually really loved that song and like had a sketchbook tha... nevermind. I mercilessly rip on the State of Minnesota in a different blog.

Anyway wild fires are a little bit of a thing out in the wild, wild west right now. I WISH they were a thing other places but that’s not a nice thing to say. Also, just FYI, wildfires are actually very necessary. I know all the people that are being affected right now may or may not agree but the bottom line is that (oh here we go) nature is going to do whatever it’s going to do regardless of whatever anyone has to say about it... USUALLY.

I lived in Washoe Valley, NV from like age 2(?) to 8 which was a step up from Bakersfield, CA which was in no way comparative to the sparkling Midwestern gem that is Davenport, IA, U.S.A. I’m joking. It depends what part of town you’re referring to. There are some similarities.

ANYWAY.

Washoe Valley sits at the base (kind of) of Mt. Rose and whatever that State Park is right there. Wildfires lit. that. bitch. up. in my youth at times and I remember being a little scared but it was necessary.

I’m a real bitch and I have this thing where I accidentally sometimes predict people’s stupid, stupid, stupid ideas and try to ruin them. I’m sorry I do that, it’s just who I am to the core. I sick at it REAL bad too. So it makes me sad sometimes but you know what, it’s like a tick and I cannot stop it. I can just remain silent but it’s more fun to write it out.

Writing is therapy!

So, yeah, what I am saying to you is that if someone had the idea *COUGH* DONALDTRUMPANDSOMEASSOCIATES *COUGH* to clear out the U.S.A. by literally torching it (forest fire-style, not nOoK-eWe-LuRr, although I’m going to take a stab that Trump is in no way *the most* educated in nuclear physics), and then letting it return to its natural state eventually... I am just seeing I could see the logic behind that but maybe let’s reconsider that idea. Also, what are you doing to the society prior to this controlled burn? Just out of curiosity.

Anyway, maybe a band will see this and like write something super-profound versus this rambling, nonsensical blog post. That’s the beauty of blogging though.

Stay tuned for the next post. I got a killer deal on a deep-conditioning treatment mask today so I’m looking forward to drinking wine and conditioning my hair this evening while I eat pizza and most likely write something even more inappropriate.

#america #freedomofspeech

Advertising is innapropriate. It just is. That is my point.

That’s a movie poster for the Karate Kid. I don’t even remember that movie that well but basically the old man sensei or whatever was just basically seeing how good he could make his young protege with various forms of emotional abuse, something, something, something, what’s even the plot, whatever, 80’s movies, I actually should rewatch that.

Anyway, something else weird:

That’s apparently some kind of MMA group that started in 1995. What’s concerning to me is that it is similar to the word ricin which is a toxin found in castor oil. You know, the stuff parents gave to their kids to throw up for whatever reason back in the day.

There’s like a Japanese culture thing about how if you bring shame upon your family you are supposed to kill yourself. But then what if your family was giving you castor oil all the time because you kept getting into stuff so then you try to join Rizin to escape them but the training was a little too Karate Kid because you got paired up with an aging millennial who kept trying to convince you that you were something that you weren’t or trying to dictate to you how you should live your life and you got to the point of actually considering suicide...

🙄

I mean, seriously, what in the fuck.

This is why I rip on old movies and advertising sometimes. Nostalgia is wonderful, but have you taken a look at what is going on in your life *right* *meow* (that’s a reference from the original ‘Super Troopers’ if you’re unfamiliar). If you are in pursuit of a goal, professionally, personally, creatively, health-wise, and one or more stupid stupid people insist on standing in your way or hurting the people and things you care about, a real karate kid would most definitely not listen to whatever the aging sensei was rattling on and on about but instead use all the torture they’d been receiving to make sure they got one thing clear, and that is the importance of self-care.

“This is the most white woman thing I have ever fucki...”

If by ‘most white woman thing I have ever read’ you mean do as much, if not more, than humanly possible, as quickly and efficiently as possible, because let me reiterate: self-care is important. Then you are correct, this is a pretty white woman blog post.

Not all white women are pretty, some are very petty and stand directly in the way of others for literally no reason than to just be on top. If that’s what’s most important to them, by all means let them climb. If they’ve not been trained in what they are doing then they could have a tumble from great heights to deal with at some point. Maybe they shouldn’t have been directly blocking someone else’s ability for proper self-care.

Anyway, I swear to you, as a white woman who has put up with some annoyances, I am going to pistol-whip the next person that stands in anyone else’s way of success, happiness, and good health.

*the pistol whip line is also from Super Troopers*

If I’m specifically speaking about myself, being non-violent, and anti-weapon, I’d probably just resort to a spectacular ass-whooping by getting my opponent so frightened (not in the way terrorists do, but like, actually being serious that you’d prefer they cut that shit out) of me that they wouldn’t even step in the ring. Also, they’d just tire themselves out throwing punches anyway because I’d just avoid them all. The punches. And focus on self-care. Like the opposite of Andy Kauffman if we’re going to draw a comedy parallel. Which is usually my preferred genre.

Millenials.

That is the current graphic for a Facebook Page by Barcroft TV that is apparently just making videos about people with exotic animals as pets.

I’m not talking about raccoons or squirrels, although also not the best idea, I mean these people have lions and tigers and bears. Oh my!

Anyway, I actually got the great pleasure of going to an open mic. last night at one of my alma maters (the University of Iowa) where I told the group of millennial children that came to share their stories that they were autistic and that community college students were head and shoulders above smarter than they were (I wanted to throw in something about weed tolerance versus alcohol tolerance but they all looked pretty half-baked as it was). I did make sure to say that it wasn’t their fault though, so “definitely stay in school and keep pursuing your theatre majors”.

They seemed pretty offended so they must have actually been theatre majors (or freshmen) and not some kind of science, math, or technology students so I’m not even sorry.

Anyway what is even my point?

Something, something, something about agriculture and the American diet in the 50’s (smoking was cool back then!), some baby boomers feeling bad for having such retarded children so “let’s make it easy for them and assign animals and colors to different characteristics and feelings so they can communicate!”, and then insert comment here about the US Department of Education.

I am just saying remember when Steve Irwin was always manhandling all those animals and that sting ray was like “Can you please not? *DEATH*”.

I guess I’m just being very political here in sharing my views that maybe don’t beat your children (or animals, which are two different creatures although it’s for sure fun to call someone an animal), maybe don’t try to tame and keep something as a pet that has no interest in being your pet, and then also if someone could make math, science, and technology cool again that would be amazing. I’ve tried but I “learned” cinema/literature/creative writing for two degrees and all I know how to do is completely my own thing/as little as possible and whine about it on the Internet. I definitely hate myself but that’s just something I have to live with, hopefully anyone actually reading this will consider something like accounting or chemistry as a career path because without that your life can be a fairly annoying challenge.

Manic Monday

Once upon a time there lived a family that you could most closely compare to like, oh, I don’t know, the Beverly Hillbillies or something. You know, the Clampetts. Or maybe even one of the families in that horror flick, “The Hills Have Eyes”, but in this instance it’s a little unclear on if I’m referring to the white trash garbage people in the camper that won’t leave “possibly not the most ideal environment or situation in which to settle/relocate/squat upon” or the people that were “there first” who are not totally cool about the shitty camper leaving muddy ruts all over the place or whatever is inconvenient to them and their space concerns so they’re gonna fucking pull out ALL the stops like to the point where it’s just a little unreasonable, like if only Xanax had been a thing back then, to make sure the camper people understand they aren’t welcomed.

Imagine when the first settlers came to the Americas and the indigenous people could immediately tell how stupid, trashy, and lazy they were and that there was just no fucking possible way in hell they were going to be able to function much less survive in this “new world’ so definitely have some fun with them but like, white people are actually stupid (I’m white so I can say that), so the fun is going to go south pretty quickly. Much less a sexual innuendo and much more a comment on how racism is spawned in stupidity.

Like genuinely. If the most racist and stupid people still in existence today were just given an entire business to run, like say a restaurant for example. Oh, I don’t know, like a bar/eatery/custom ham/hand-made jelly and jam emporium/craft organic smoothie bar with a cross-stitching class every Wednesday night. Just as a vague example. They would probably be stupid enough to post the most racist thing you’ve seen in the last 5 minutes directly on their business Instagram feed but, you know, maybe you’re racist for reading it that way.

Anyway, Papa Clampett was a creative gentleman. His creativity developed over years and years of psychedelic use. His wife, a spoiled wanna-be starlet that saw something in her man, wanted children and she was going to have them goddammit! They most certainly were at each others’ throats for literally any and every possible issue however have children they did. Because usually when you are in an extremely unhealthy and damaging relationship if you just start having kids it makes everything better. If two people think each other are hot they must immediately make children as quickly as possible because having a stable and healthy/supportive relationship in which those resulting children could grow up in is completely beside the point of whatever it is the parents want to do right now regardless of anyone else’s feelings. Also? Just a suggestion but maybe there’s enough people but I realize that’s not a popular opinion so I will shut-up.

One of their children, their daughter, developed a bit of a nervous tick in dealing with her parents’ (and others’) antics. Some kind of Tourette’s syndrome mixed with some kind of learning disability but the presentation of the ticks were just coming off as extreme, extreme sarcasm to pretty much every situation. Many times unintentional. It was just kind of this continued annoyance with people who she could see were being stupid right before her very eyes but couldn’t call them out directly so she’d just patiently go through the motions and deal with whatever people wanted to fucking do until later she could put all the pieces together much like a sloth tasked with putting together a 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle of like just a fucking random snapshot of the Amazon rainforest or something.

Lots of green but super-hard to decipher.

It was just a little frustrating because Papa Acid Head Clampett would do things like try to convince his children they were aliens or try to convince his wife when she had an injury or health concern that she could just will it away with her mind so why bother with modern medicine whatsoever, also, way more fun to just run to Mexico and get whatever the fuck you need from a border pharmacy.

In no way am I necessarily disagreeing with the Mexican pharmacy thing but if you need, oh, I don’t know, antibiotics for something, probably a bit unnecessary to go with the strongest possible antibiotic ever created for something simple like a food-borne illness. True your extremely unpleasant symptoms will go away faster apparently but maybe fucking put a little thought into what you are eating and then also, some bacteria is necessary for life and if you fucking kill all of it for…

“Paging Dr. Know It All, please spare us the lecture on anti-bacterial resistance.”

Well, unfortunately, the family had a bit of a religious background with no knowledge of what the word ‘metaphor’ actually means which is actually a very common source of confusion among such a staggering number of people that it’s thankfully more comedic than sad.

She also had a younger brother who had some health concerns but they were only further-perpetuated by Mama Clampett, who played the over-coddling no-longer-starlet mother who could not be more resentful role, and Papa Clampett who played the stereotypical hard-assed military-style father who was doing it wrong role. For example let’s say little baby brother Clampett was at an age that I won’t comment on what that age is, but he couldn’t wipe his own ass and Papa Clampett screamed at Mother Clampett that “The boy ain’t never gon learn if he ain’t forced to wipe his own ass!” so then the daughter would have to help if absolutely fucking needed dependent on the crying level of her young brother who couldn’t even wipe his own ass while Mama and Papa were out screaming at each other in the garden. Another completely non-sexual innuendo because they literally were just screaming at each other.

Why people insist on picking some kind of character to play for their actual life and living out some kind of strange and delusional role of which you are the star of a movie which is your own actual real life is just fucking so strange to me as the writer of this but whatever people want to do I guess, go for it.

Anyway, the father was actually a screenwriter who would pass his legacy down even when his children were like ok cool thank you but can you maybe respect that there are other things in life than shoving your face and watching other people do things.

WHAT IF I WANTED TO BE AN ENGNEER SO I COULD DESIGN A ROLLER COASTER THAT WOULD KILL ANYONE AND EVERYONE THAT DARED TAKE A RIDE. WHAT ABOUT THAT, HUH DAD?!

Anyway that is just an overdramatic example of a METAPHOR. Also a warning on mental illness and relationships and a play on the reversal of traditi… nevermind.

Anyway, I don’t really know where I was taking this story anyway. The daughter in this story goes on to be a fucking raging alcoholic so she hopefully just dies of liver failure in her early 30’s but the bottom line?

At least McDonald’s exists so that when the healthcare system fully collapses upon itself and the economy bottoms out and all people can afford to eat is McDonald’s all the people that cannot figure out the concept of moderation and balance will drop like flies and perhaps the remaining people, regardless of whatever the fuck they look like, can come together peacefully and put everything back together. I guess the other option is to not learn anything and jump on Elon Musk’s magical and mystical flying contraption and ascend/descend (are there like, coordinates in space?) and just go to a different planet and fucking just trash that one up too.

Also some people will see stuff on the Internet and believe a horrible whatever is coming and it’s time to be doomsday peppers RIGHT NOW and TERRORIST ATTACK is IMPENDING. However that is not how real life works and then, also, sarcasm and humor work to either diffuse or speed up a process dependent on how fucking stupid the people it is you are dealing with and I just cannot stress to you enough that white people of EUROPEAN descent are the fucking stupidest people.

“Uh, wow this is honestly a little over DRAMATIC but interesting read.“

Thanks.

#sarcasm

There has to be a way to stop stupidity. There. Has. To. Be. Maybe. It’s. Reading. How. Stupid. What. You’ve. Just said/done/written, written again, and then you really thought about it. #written

A friend of mine who I adore because he can be just a hot, hot disaster sometimes (aren’t we all!) considering all he has put up with being a journalist who’s overcome some things posted a news article of which I just read the headline (sorry) about the Governor of Tanzania wanting to mandate arrests for all homosexuals.

Are we sure this is not code for “The governor of (insert US State here) is wanting to mandate arrests for all homosexuals.”.

Look, Dar es Saalam:

(also no one can get mad at me for fake news because I am basing this off what I saw with my eyes as far as the name of the person and location!)

Also just P.S. they have governors of cities? That is the most republican thing I have ever...

Ok, so as I was saying!

Dear Dar es Saalam,

If you had a homosexual experience and now hate yourself you need to go relax somewhere and stop taking that out on everyone else. Literally not one person gives a shit, not even whatever idiotic diety it is you worship. I promise you. If they do, they absolutely do not deserve to be in your life.

If you had a homosexual experience and weren’t into it, that’s cool too! However, quit raining on others’ parade who love that. Just like with straight people, if they are super-irresponsible, they’ll have their own consequences to have to figure out completely independent of anything else. That is how life works for literally. everyone.

If you had a homosexual experience and now that person will not leave you the fuck alone, I mean man, that really sucks. Like, truly. However, that in no way means that all homosexuals are relentlessly mentally ill and need to be gathered together and dealt with.

Also, please know that I am in no way a physician of mental illnesses. When I say “mentally ill” I am referring to a person who may or may not exhibit classic symptoms of one of the many currently defined mental illness but my main concern is their symptom of where they won’t leave someone the fuck alone or feel the need to impose their delusional will upon one or more people or groups of people.

So, apologies for calling you mentally ill Dar es Saalam. I actually am in no way privvy to your medical history or files. However I would suggest a fucking permanent vacation from being a Governor of literally anything.

Best wishes to you! 😘

Let’s talk about white supremacy

I originally had a different graphic for this with a particularly white trash-looking gentleman screaming the nazi chant but I didn’t want anyone to accuse me of singling them out and specifically calling them a white trash white supremacist. I mean HAVE. YOU. SEEN. some of the people that live in this area?

Also, Trump is just an easy go-to for memes. Is he a white supremacist? I don’t know, I’ve not met him.

Anyway, just to kick this off, if you actually feel personally targeted by this, pleeeeeaaaaaaaaasssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee throw yourself off one of the bridges. PLEASE! GO DO IT RIGHT NOW! You are making the Midwest worse than it already is. There are tons of folks working to make it better but you are really slowing down progress, so, PLEASE, put your head in an oven.

Anyway, white supremacy “works” because it’s based on stupid people’s insecurities and inability to understand that just because you encounter a terrible shithead who looks a certain way, that does not necessarily mean that all people who look that way are inherently terrible shitheads.

It’s kind of like punctuation, if you’re able to read. Look at context. Look at the situation, specifically.

“I hate queers!”

Oh do you? Or do you just hate the super-obnoxious party ones? There’s actually A TON of straight people who are the SAME. EXACT. WAY. Why don’t you do everyone a favor and just stay home and watch another episode of Two Broke Girls in the dark? I’m not necessarily condoning the party ‘till you die lifestyle, but no one wants to hear you up on your soapbox dictating to people what they should or shouldn’t do in their free time either.

“Black people are thugs and criminals!”

Oh they are, hmmmm? Every black person is a thug and criminal? Some can be, if they are in a gang fighting over something, but that just loops back around to the white supremacy example. They’re equals. Equally stupid. Also, have you met an upper-middle-class 35 year old woman on her period waiting too long in line at Target, running late for an aerial yoga class? FUCK. ING. BRUTALITY. IS. ABOUT. TO. HAPPEN. DO. NOT. GIVE. THAT. BITCH. A. HANDGUN.

“People who are [insert religion here] are wrong and need to DIE!”

Oh, ok. Is it maybe just because you don’t believe what they believe? It’s actually more cathartic to just make jokes about whatever it is you don’t agree with but I mean if you want them to DIE, maybe go take a look at one of the other religious groups. I am CERTAIN there is a radical sector that will happily accept you and literally outfit you with all you need to actually go kill those other people.

“I HATE UNEDUCATED WHITE TRASH!”

I will fully admit that this is one I personally struggle with. It’s wrong! I’m wrong! Just because someone doesnt shower *the most* or doesn’t maybe obsess about thier health and physical appearance as much as I do, does not IN ANY WAY make them any less of an amazing person. They are actually probably WAY LESS neurotic.

Also, just because someone doesn’t have a diploma does not necessarily mean they are stupid. It absolutely can mean that and does in many instances, however not EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Also, I know a few folks decorated with diplomas who could not possibly be dumber. MIND. BLOWINGLY. STUPID.

It is unfortunate though because usually with a diploma people can weasel their way up to a position of higher pay (unless you’re in something that TRULY matters, like education or something, hahahahaha what the fuck America, hello?) and then their lack of IQ usually just makes way for this adaptation where even though logic is lost on them they do have a great ability to just emotionally manipulate the people below them by making things unnecessarily difficult and then waving thier cash around.

Pretty annoying. Especially when you cross someone who, although may not have as much disposable income, is able to form a logical independent thought. Probably not in your best interest to do all the manipulation stuff but do what you wanna do and just make sure you buckle up for a wild ride that you are just too stupid to be able to ever fully understand. It is not your fault you are so devastatingly stupid. That’s why you have so much money right now! Make sure you save some of it because if you keep being an asshole you will DEFINITELY need it later.

Honestly, any radical group throughout history is based on people who just could not form an independent thought inside their own heads and just took whatever abusive nonsense was being shouted at them, took it to heart, and the joined the first thing that “accepted them”.

I’m sorry, but unless you are aware of it and go in fully ready to have a fucking blast ripping on them directly to thier stupid, stupid, stupid faces, probably don’t get yourself into anything that you’re having major trepidations about.

If you are reading this and you feel persecuted and unaccepted, take a look at whatever you’re doing, make sure that’s not the reason, then take a look at your social circle. Are they treating you unreasonably like shit? Maybe go find some new people to be around!

Just maybe not a white supremacy group. Or a radical religious group. Or an It Works! Facebook marketing group. It doesn’t work and then also, no one wants to come to your fucking seaweed wrap party, goddamn!

Anyway, in all seriousness, be nice to folks. Even white supremacists. At least to their faces. Then behind thier backs write blogs like this pointing out how fucking stupid they are because that is honestly more fun than anything else I can think of right now.

Don’t Mess With.. Oh, Fuck It, Do Whatever You Want Just Be Prepared For...

I have a confession:

I don’t really give a shit about the environment.

I mean, I don’t actively litter, and if I see litter, sometimes I will pick it up and throw it away. But that’s only because of my personality. Excuse me? Is the street your dorm room? No. Put your garbage in a receptacle, you lazy, slovenly asshole! This has nothing to do with the environment and everything to do with the fact that I live in a cute boutique neighborhood and I don’t want your empty gas station soda cup white trashing up the sidewalk in front of that new juice bar/aerial yoga studio, OH-KAY?

Also, recycling? In all honesty? Too. Much. Work. The only reason I recycle AT ALL is because my apartment garbage can is always full of other peoples’ street garbage. If there was any room in the can whatsoever you better believe I would fill it to the brim with paper, plastic, aluminum, and glass.

Mark my words!

Anyway, most recently I washed my hands of having a personal vehicle. Truly a bold, bold, bold step in the name of reducing carbon emissions. Truth be told, I don’t have *the best* driving record. I’m sorry not sorry I like to drive as fast as I possibly can all of the time. Life is just too short!

Well, in order to combat that one and only character flaw I have, and also in the best interests and safety of others, I took my driving privledges away (with a significant assist from the states of Iowa AND Illinois). I’d have to win the Powerball in order to get my license back at this point. Not. Fiscally. Worth. It. To. Me. Now I’m using good old fashioned, emission-free, human-powered walking/jogging/running depending on what I have to do that day. Also the bus. And Uber, hello? I mean I’m not Ghandi for fuck’s sake. 4 miles per destination is my limit, there’s only 24 hours in a day!

Anyway, with all this time spent walking and riding buses to and from my assortment of daily destinations I’ve had some time to reflect. And today, Mother Nature caught my eye.

I’m very anti-religious because it just seems like every time I have to deal with a religious person it physically hurts me. Also? Dumb.

I do fully admit that some things are unexplainable though, at least until you figure them out. And I chalk all that up to the universe and nature.

I know. I’m sorry. Hang on a minute while I go gather my sage and bag of crystals.

Just kidding.

I realize my basic philosophy is like listening to an aging hippy’s manifesto abridged, but I also think a lot of the industry surrounding metaphysics and paganism is pretty stupid too. Still though, Mother Nature *kind of* knows what’s up.

I think the reason that I really appreciate the whole idea behind natural order and Mother Nature is that natural things just kind of work themselves out on their own if you don’t fuck with them too horribly.

Nature truly can be so beautiful and calm and patient.

Like, so fucking patient!

Here’s the deal though. At a certain point... bitch is going to snap and put you back in your place harder than you’ve ever been disciplined before. Maybe you’ve never been disciplined. Maybe that’s why you didn’t realize it wasn’t ok to change your own oil in the alley behind your house and just let the old oil trickle down into your neighbor’s lawn. What’s the big deal? Maybe that’s why you let that full garbage bag of trash just fall out of the bed of your truck the other day driving through town. “Oh, that’s fine. Someone will get it.” Maybe you’re too fucking lazy to do your dishes so you just get all styrofoam place settings, cutlery, and “glassware” available at WalMart. “Uh, I don’t care that I produce 17 metric tons of bulk garbage every month! Doing my dishes and reusing things takes too much time away from my sitting on the couch time!” Maybe you’ve acquired an uncomfortable number of tires on your acerage and you don’t know where to take them so you roll them into the Rock River or set them ablaze on the half-poured concrete slab you were going to build a shed on three summers ago.

What I am saying to you is that nature is patient, not stupid. Maybe it’s British? It will put up with your rudeness with a convincingly feigned smile, but abuse? Well that’s just stupid. If you repeatedly damage and abuse nature it is going to come back and pop you a good one. Maybe it’s going to tornado away your family farm. Maybe it’s going to Hurricane your brand-new, custom-built home to the bottom of the new sea level. Maybe it’s going to give you crippling, crippling migraines brought on by barometric pressure extremes from a rise in... you know what, I’m no meteorologist. I am just saying probably don’t fuck with something when you’re essentially squatting on its property and taking advantage of it. It sees what you are doing and is giving you a chance to knock off the disrespect. Eventually you are going to know a fear of which you won’t be able to recover. Like an extremely uncharacteristicly warm winter that seems totally awesome right now but in 15 years when the ecosystem collapses because things changed too quickly and there’s not enough food to go around? Well. Maybe you shouldn’t have thrown your empty can of Bang down that storm drain?

Anyway, again, I don’t give two shits about the environment. However I also don’t really go out of my way to make it better or worse in any way. That’s all on you guys.

#giveahootdontpollute

#justdontbeaslobbasically

#thisiswhyyoucanthavenicethings

#thispostisdefinitelyinresponsetomyapartmentgarbagecanalwaysbeingfullsothenihavetowalkallthewaytothisdumpsterintheparkinglotaccrossthealley

#treehugger

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