like it was contagious, the sight of shmi’s smile was able to easily draw out one of his own. she was proud of him. not only was that something that — though he had tried time and time again to extract that feeling from his own jedi master — seemed to anakin that he would never be on the receiving end of that sentiment, and that left a hole in his heart so wide that a bantha could easily maneuver through. but when shmi said those words, it was as if all of his past failures and shortcomings ceased to exist. what mattered to him — quite frankly, all that mattered to him — was that his mother was proud. after all, that was what he wanted most in life — more than a master’s approval.
because in the end, everything that he had done had been for her. and to see her proud was the same as imprinting a giant and permanent stamp of approval on his entire being.
he couldn’t help but be momentarily pulled off track by shmi and her fussing over c-3po. it was nostalgic to him, who could still vividly remember her doing the same when he was a young boy. it was mostly the fond memories that brought on his laughter. ❝ don’t worry, we have him. i was just doing a little bit of maintenance work on him, we can have them back once i’m done. you were the reason i built him in the first place. to help you out in any way that you might need. i trust that he’s been doing a good job of that over the years? ❞ although he was quite confident in not only c-3po’s ability as a protocol droid, but also in his own ability to engineer him, despite his being so young that he could barely see over the counter at watto’s shop.
involuntarily, the crease between his eyebrows grew stark; the confusion in his expression undeniable as he stared back across him, at his mother. something he still couldn’t believe he was doing after so long. ❝ i don’t understand. you don’t want the apartment? ❞ he did try his best — although likely failed — to not convey the hurt he was feeling in his voice. after how long but the two of them had been separated and he was just supposed to — what — be content with yet another separation? or was shmi just that humble? a trait that — much to master obi-wan’s dismay — anakin never did seem to quite pick up. but what is she being humble for anyway? they were no longer slaves. she was a free woman, just like anakin had always dreamed for her. ❝ you need it, mom. more than that, don’t you think you deserve it? you worked even when you were exhausted your entire life, you deserve to be served. by threepio, if you let him. and besides, ❞ his voice dropped to barely above a whisper. ❝ i need you on coruscant, within a quick walk from the temple. ❞
anakin’s head dropped, and he stared down at his feet as he tried to rid himself of the embarrassing thoughts and feelings that mercilessly crashed against him. thoughts and feelings that were not at all becoming of a jedi knight. he was no longer merely a padawan learner, he still had to remind himself sometimes. feelings of resentment and jealousy had absolutely no place — those were of the dark side. and yet, anakin could not help but feel them all the same when his mother spoke of the lars’. he couldn’t help but reflect on how much he wanted to be the one who was eventually freed her, and every slave. he dreamed of the moment so much as a child that he could close his eyes and still picture it vividly without even trying. an older version of himself, gliding through the dunes, brown cloak flapping in the air, the luminescent blue light from his ignited lightsaber a beacon of hope.
he shakes his head; a few, quick motions of physicality to help him bury the mental and emotional conflict burning within him and replace them with a mask of nonchalance — a mask that obi-wan wore to perfection, though he, himself, always seemed to struggle with the fit. yet despite himself — and despite his mother’s ability to be able to see inside him in ways that no one else was — he tried to keep them concealed.
and despite the warm feelings that stirred within him at his mother’s words of praise over listening to and pursuing his force dreams, that quickly vanished at her apparent guilt for getting in the way of his duty. the crease between his eyebrows grew more intense as he quickly and adamantly shook his head. ❝ don’t you apologize for anything. and especially not for that. i’m not sorry for neglecting my duties when i did, nor will i ever be. any rule that says duty should come before the well-being of others shouldn’t be a rule in the first place. it’s as simple as that. everything else just complicates things and creates chaos in the order and peace that the jedi are supposed to maintain and protect. ❞
and if it sounded premeditated and rehearsed, that was probably because it was. anakin wasn’t particularly too proud of the amount of time he spent mulling over the events that had unfolded during and leading up to his return to his home planet. meditating over his revenge on the sand people, the kind of reaction that his master and the rest of the council would have upon discovering his actions. if they ever made that discovery. that secret was between him and padme, who he trusted absolutely would keep it that way.
his voice, barely above a whisper, called out to shmi and a reminder. ❝ i will always protect you, first and foremost. ❞
