Just some thoughts and things.

[prospectivepsychopath]

Feeling strange.

Observing my own cyclical nature. Seeing my self destructive patterns with clarity.

Feeling familiar.

Longing for more, without end. Itching just to feel different in some way. As if there was something wrong with the present moment or something wrong with me. 

Feeling peace.

Despite these feelings, I trust that I am exactly where I need to be... learning, again, lessons of discontent.

[chaosintheaisles]

Mica Ring made by yours truly. I finally have an etsy shop up for my art and jewelry. Check it out and see if anything tickles your fancy. :)

[prospectivepsychopath]

This shop is awesome.

[prospectivepsychopath]

THE DRUGS, they whisper to me.

[prospectivepsychopath]

Maybe I can channel all my sexual frustration into fuel for my own awakening.

[prospectivepsychopath]

I just want someone who shows up.

I think the whole point of a relationship is to get over yourself. I think that's really the point to everything in life, thus, I need a man who is willing to get over himself. It's exhausting sacrificing myself time and time again for men who are unwilling to do the same for me. Only then can balance be achieved with another. 

Step one, show up on my doorstep... tired, depressed, angry, peaceful, happy, whatever the state. I just want to be with you, whatever that looks like.

[prospectivepsychopath]

If you want to be free of the body, you have to recognize where it is.

I know what i need in this moment, in this time of life. I also know what I want. How weird. 

I need to utilize my gifts. My gift is in massage. I need to give massage, and I have the opportunity to do so 4 days of the week.

I need to continue to grow and expand mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I have the opportunity to dedicate half of my time to expansion through yogic training.

I need to embrace humanity and my own human nature. I have the opportunity to do this while working in a grocery store 2 days out of the week. 

I do not need the independence I always longed for, nor do I need the isolation I often crave. I do not want these things anymore either.

The only thing I want is to surrender fully to love and for this love to flower in everything I encounter.

[prospectivepsychopath]

Public Studies

First, is the source. I do not know what this source is or consists of, I only know that its a thing that probably exists. All energy, all things that exist, expand from their source to the point of completion/retraction in an involutionary cycle and from there return to source in an evolutionary cycle. 

This can be seen within any given life, and given story. It's an undeniable phenomenon of our world. One enters the world or begins a journey, reaches the climax, or peak, fulfills its purpose, and then slowly returns home, and dies.

"Darkest just before the light"... this is abolutely correct. As energy returns to its source it staticly drifts into the shadows.

 It is the cold light of the moon. It is the darkest hour. But what comes next... is home. It is simply a part of the return.

During PLR or any out of body experience one may feel as though they are being sucked out of their body, pulled away by something outside of themselves and their control. Something greater. This is compatible with the tamastic, negative pole of energy, yin. This is the experiential return.

We grow up with rose colored lenses to view a perfect and beautiful world.. but eventually we leave the castle of innocence just as the Buddha once did. We step into the darkness and begin to journey back home. When we succeed, when we attain self actualization, true purpose or enlightenment, we achieve as the lotus in full flower. We have succeed, completed the cylce, and we can return to source. We can move on. We complete our cycle and advance to the next one. If we fall short in our elotted time (each expansion has a different rate or power behind it) we continue to to fall. The energy begins to condense. The elements are formed. Beings are formed.

[prospectivepsychopath]

I have this itch.

I can't quite put my finger on it. I've spent years of my life trying to find it's source, calm its need, but it's always just out of reach. An itch from outside of my self.. an itch that drives me to maddness.. and itch that I'd have to tear the flesh from my bones to reach. Even then, I'm unsure that it will ever be satisfied. It's relentless desperation.

I've always had a troublesome relationship with my body. I am grateful for it, I think, but despite its usefulness, it feels like a prison. What freedom comes with the disintegration of the flesh. I know that I have the power to let go of my body. I can leave at any given moment, and I want to. I always want to.

What is keeping me here? It seems to be other people. I feel compelled to be with them, to help them, and to love them. We've all found one another in this weird prediciment we call life. Whether any of it is real is almost irrelevant while we're actually here. I am here for a reason... now I just need to understand why, and I know I have the answer because I'm the one that chose this place. I have made my bed and I'm lying in it. Now I just want to make it better. I want to make it better for everyone. I want to cradle evil in my arms and watch it transform into something beautiful. 

I am holding on and letting go at the same time. I am transforming. I am regenerating, and I chose to. 

I vow to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings.

[prospectivepsychopath]

Working for one thing and one thing alone. To feel as though my death has been earned.

[prospectivepsychopath]

"Don't be afraid," he whispered, "we are one now.. and everything is okay."

[prospectivepsychopath]

Unraveling again.

I unraveel this time every year, but always from a new, yet nostalgic perspective. I know the feeling all to well. It's actually come to feel like a home. But it never looks the same. Maybe it's me that never looks the same, altering perception continuously. 

My perception seems to grow blurrier at every moment. I don't know which way is up. 

[prospectivepsychopath]

Depressed isn't the right word

Dissociated. Distant. Removed.

[prospectivepsychopath]

Learning feeds the soul

I am not happy if I do not feel as though I'm learning something valuable. If I'm not throwing myself wholly into a new venture. What is the point if I'm not gaining some sort of truth, opening a new door. 

I find myself without a solid avenue for learning. I'm not in school anymore and I have little time for drugs.  I need to start inspiring and teaching myself again. I've been exceedingly lethargic and I think it's pulling me deep into a funk.

[prospectivepsychopath]

Feeling..

hopeless, lost, weak. Abandoned. Like I have no choice, no voice. Like everything I believe is a lie. Like I’d rather be dead.

Knowing..  nothing.

Wishing.. for some kind of answer.

Seeking.. only to discover the void.

Waiting.. for what?

Fighting.. for a delusion.

Knowing how stupid and pathetic I am in this moment.

Infinity has never felt so hollow.

[prospectivepsychopath]

What is going on?

For the first time in my life, I genuinely like and enjoy all the people surrounding me. 

I suddenly find myself with nothing to loathe. How lovely.

[prospectivepsychopath]

Thank you God,

for kief.

[prospectivepsychopath]

Why can't I just lie in your arms forever?

It's better than any drug I've ever tasted. It's better than any rush I've ever felt. It is going home. You are my home.  Maybe every person can feel like home with the right mindset. I cant help but wonder why and how it is that two specific people can fit each other so perfectly that they no longer desire or need anyone or anything else. I don't get it. I feel it, I know it, and yet I have no way to understand it. 

I like to think we all operate on different frequencies and it's a matter of finding someone on just the right frequency to compliment your own. I'm sure there are multiple people in this world who accentuate my frequency, who naturally and effortlessly bring me to new and incredible levels of consciousness and love. In fact, I know there are multiple people out there with this power. I've been fortunate enough to have met a few already. However, it takes a special kind of match to create a lasting relationship. It takes effort and it takes desire. 

Admittedly, I have not been good at relationships in the past, but I'm learning. I'm learning to wear my heart on my sleeve and to speak my truth regardless of any anxiety. I'm learning to risk everything despite any fear. It has become clear to me that the only way to be loved fully is to live and love fully yourself. 

I've been taught, and I truly do believe, that one should eliminate expectations. However, this thought has lead me into some pretty terrible relationships. I don't expect you to spend every night with me, I don't expect you to go out of your way for me, shit, I don't even expect you to love me. I have never needed these things nor required them from my boyfriends, but I now want more. 

Maybe I shouldn't want things, but I do. I want the best from this world and I'm no longer afraid of admitting it. I want love and I want sacrifice. Again, a lasting relationship takes effort and desire. So maybe these things aren't so bad afterall, when seen in the right light.

Now, here you are. Wanting me too. I know you don't need me. I know that I'm not a necessity for anyone or anything, and yet you still want me. I think that may say more than any need. It's the kind of want that satisfies your needs. We'd both be fine without one another, but life is so much richer, so much more fun with you by my side. For that, I love you. Yes, I love everyone, but I love you in ways that I simply don't feel for others.

You match my frequency. You bring laughter and joy into my life. You give me something, and someone, to look forward to at the end of the day. You're like a delicious piece of chocolate cake. I definitely don't need you, but goddammit you make this life worth living.