All Love Lost: How a Miscarriage, PCOS, and Dealing with It Alone Helped Me Find Myself Again
I said I would wait, until I’m further along in acceptance to write about this. But it’s kicking me, it is kicking my ass. I’m not going to act like I have all the facts or that I’m a voice for any of these things. What I will do is express how it has affected me as I’m going through the process, in the hopes that I can help someone. Especially someone that has had to deal with any of these on their own.
The last 2 weeks of January, God reminded me that I had spent the past 2 years losing myself. If I continued down the path that I was going, I would continue being all words and no action: thinking that speaking things into existence would magically make them happen.
2 weeks before Christmas, I was with the guy that I had (have) been in love with for the past couple years. We weren’t a couple or anything, but I was praying every day that that love wouldn’t continue to feel so one-sided. Basically, a 2-year situationship. We spoke about trying to make an effort to be more to one another: more focused, more attentive, more communicative.Â
This is where it becomes a little TMI, but for the sake of this post it has to be said. The next day, I realized I was bleeding. I didn’t think anything else of it, and chalked it up to it probably being my period coming on. I’ve spent most of my life with an irregular menstrual cycle that can’t really be tracked, it just comes and goes when it feels like it. 3 weeks goes by and it was New Years Eve and my “period” was  still on. I made a note to go to set up an appointment as soon as I got back to NY.Â
I didn’t get an appointment until the 3rd week in January. During which the OBGYN informed me that the bleeding I experienced wasn’t menstruation, that I’d had a miscarriage. To note: I’ve never taken birth control and it’s been years since I had a regular check-up. I regularly get STD/HIV testing and (assumed) I was otherwise fairly healthy. She suggested we run additional tests, testing my hormone levels, a sonogram, etc.
I left, cried for the remainder of the day, and attempted to call the guy. Needing someone to be there for me. All of my family is in VA, so he’s one of two people that I’ve considered close as family in NY. Needless to say, he never answered and after having no other choice but to leave a voicemail, I haven’t heard from him since. I pray daily that I can get the closure and acceptance that I need from all of that. Thankfully, my family back home has constantly checked in on me, and dealing with all my other medical issues (and work) have kept me distracted from dwelling on it too much. Tangent over.
A week later, I went back for my sonogram and a laparoscopy -- where a thin tube with a camera is inserted to view pelvic organs. Didn’t take long for the results to come back, and while I’m still doing testing and procedures for some of the results, she diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).
1 in 10 women have and/or have PCOS. Though each person is affected differently, women with PCOS have higher rates of anxiety and depression, infertility, higher testosterone and androgen levels, and can lead to diabetes and heart disease. Know the signs: irregular periods, excessive body hair, acne, depression and obesity. PCOS makes it extremely hard to lose weight. While 80% of women diagnosed are obese, PCOS can affect women of any size. I’m not sure if it was being pregnant or the PCOS that caused it but I had been trying to lose weight for months and had been stagnated. Since then, I have an amazing trainer and a strict (I mean STRICT) diet I have to follow. The diet not only helps me lose weight but also helps with the side effects and pains of my condition. I recommend doing additional research if you want to educate yourself, especially women. As less than 50% of women are properly diagnosed.
The first two months of this year, literally drained everything from me. In an effort to not get sucked into the depression that I spent most of my life crawling out of, I’ve distracted myself. I felt like I was running from my problems. But it’s better than drowning in lost love and a lost child. This has all reminded me that I had lost focus, that I had gotten a little too comfortable with being mediocre. Reminded me that I am (yes, still am) in love with someone that may or may not be meant for me. It has, however, given me a new strength because I have know I have to fight that much harder to live out the things that moving to New York was supposed to give me opportunities to do.
I spend a lot of time crying now. Sometimes, I spend the entire day in bed from the pains of the cysts and other cervical conditions. I’m constantly inside my own head asking myself if this is going to get better or worse. I still have tests and procedures for results they haven’t been able to diagnose yet. But instead of wallowing in self pity, I’m creating. I’m praying. I’m working. The support system I do have, I am grateful for.
I wrote this hoping that other women will become more informed. That I can find others that have PCOS or have had miscarriages that I could share and gain support from. But most importantly, to let others know that we can’t let our issues define or distract us from being magical.
