Madness
Here I am violently writing
Here I am violently scribbling
Violently scrawling
Violently crawling
One more drink
No two!
Only 3 pills tonight
Though a fistful would do better
1 Pill
2 Pills
White pill
White pill
White pill
Fuck it... the whole bottle
Cut my wrists
I've never felt such a mania that induced such panic writing yet stopped it all at once (I've experienced the isolation of being lost on my own street or not knowing who I was or what I was doing, the feeling of standing there, in front of the fridge, in front of the mirror, or sitting on the closet floor, knowing that there was a reason that I was supposed to be there, but evidently unaware of what that reason was, or truly where I even was, just that I was.... somewhere.. somewhere where Madi was... and somewhere that Madi wasn't. standing between the line until the cry of my child snapped me back to reality)
A song!
I need a song!
One where the words change but the repetitiveness keeps me turned on.
That's what I need.
This would all be in cursive if not for the violent clacking of my nails against the keyboard of my computer
Click Clack Moo Cows That Type
My husband says that I only write in cursive when I'm manic. "bad manic" that's what we call it. A fun little name for it... because everyone loves a bipolar person when they're "good manic" we're the life of the party. The woman you want to be. How can I feel so smart yet so stupid. I don't mean unintelligent, I don't mean incompetent , I don't mean uneducated, ( I would have to be any of those things in order comprehend those words, let alone be allowed to use them in a sentence)
I know this would be better with a glass of wine. A third. But I'm well out of calories for the day, and it's too late to gag myself until I'm rid of the last two glasses. Which I know I shouldn't have drank anyway. I apologize to my readers. The two of you (or at least I can dream that there are at least two of you) out there dragging through this. waiting for some turning point that will make you think "wow that was such chaos but the ending really had a turn around that tied it all together" there won't be. would I ask you what to do? Would I try to relate to you? What do you think? Do you care? Are you here? Am ?
