The Flow of the Moment

This blog is illustrated in my perspective and may differ for others.

[psychonautsjournal]

Behind my Joker persona is the profound desolation of existential isolation.

One that has not been able to find solace in the presence of another. Imagine having flown endlessly without a branch to rest one’s wings.

A repressed part that I make peace with continuously, still reluctant of showing it as it automatically triggers others. Alas, I am too tired and despondent to hide it any longer.

“Do not give what is holy to dogs, or throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn and tear you to pieces.” - Matthew 7:6

Yet, revelations have shown me my mission in this lifetime: to show the world the beauty of the parts that we repress. Of the “darkness”, the “negative”, the unwanted, the uncomfortable.

How does one get prepared for that purpose? Through being given heightened senses, a powerful imagination and a whole bunch of social tribulations.

Every happening, thought and feeling has been preparing me for where I am meant to go. I am grateful for the pain I have been given for this reason. It is, has, and will be a continuous initiation.

It is leading me to such an immense honor, yet still vague. It was shown to me in clear unclarity, seemingly to something not yet existing. It felt like a role of great influence.

Will I be a writer? Artist? Musician? Politician? Or all simultaneously? In any case, something related to the power of the Word. That much is sure.

Luckily I have health, time and divine guidance. The rest of this whole life, and if the next ones start like this one did, many more lifetimes to come.

[psychonautsjournal]

Okay, here we go again. Writing, I’m doing it. Turning on the facets of my mind, letting the word stream out of my mouth dictated by Apple, to stream out and threw me. Pushing the air out of my mouth to speak is not a pleasant sensation to me. It takes a lot of brain power and breath. Silence is something I deeply appreciate. When I look for it in the retreats of my room, I can never escape everything that is on the soundscape around me. Droplets from the rain crashing down from the roof. The radiator in my room and in the opposite wall. Sounds that sound like gunshots or banging on metal somewhere in the village? I am tempted to turn the heating off, but I suspect other sounds would fill its place, such as the beating of my heart in my ears. Alas, silence has become a sort of heaven in my head, it seems. Those moments when there isn’t a car driving by, the appliances are not zumming and I don’t hear a single sound of Life around me, are glimmers of Bliss to me. <3 <3 <3

Look at me, thirsty for Silence. I’ll try drawing him. 

[psychonautsjournal]

You know what? I really don’t like talking, and I don’t care much for listening either. Silence, that’s where it’s at. Sad that it’s often tinged with an air of discomfort.

Because writing was too mendokusai / troublesome (at least I thought) I wanted to dictate it through my smart devices, but that’s even more than a hassle. Seriously man, though, I have so much content to write that I got disheartened by the thought of it. Truth of the matter is that I just have to get started. Just pump it out like there is no tomorrow, embrace the cringe and then it can fuck right off, and keep going. Soooo much time is being wasted thinking about stuff. We’ve thought enough. I want an empty brain, where all my ideas have found their way in or onto any medium that is suitable.

You know what? Yes I am (rhetorically) asking yet again! Fuck the rules. I am soooooooo sick of the “rules”, you cannot imagine (without making an effort) as a misdiagnosed autistic lady person. I just want to speak my mind without people getting triggered, because other people trigger ME ALL THE FUCKING TIME! WITH EVERY SENSE I HAVE! 🗣️ AND I SUFFER IN SILENCE. And when I then finally do speak up about what triggered me; like I am invited to do because people notice I am suffering in silence, consequence is we’re now both upset. And I get into a drama fight I never intended to in the first place. Big pissed off. Kami-sama, I know there is a lesson in this but right now I am tired of this trial 😡 Everyone acts like I AM THE ABSURD ONE, alas I do not agree. Thank you for sharing your opinion, but I don’t share your opinion.

Much anger has been saved into the emotional bank account that is my body. Letting it out would be a good idea. I will roll into Judo in Japan.

Okay Flo, let’s really look under the hood of this bad boy. I will take the time for you to be fully present with you in this moment and dissect the thing that’s happening inside of you. When the girls all laughing and having fun together without me downstairs, I feel a sort of pain in my body. Listening in on the voices without hearing the words. My energy is tied to it and it is giving me worry signals. Like I should go downstairs and be with them. Is that the manifestation of my sister wound? That I would get in trouble or looked down upon by my sister because I liked to retreat a lot as a teenager? Probably mixed with a little dash of feeling the odd one out because of neurodivergence.

Okay, I am done with expressing. Or am I just tired. It feels the same as talking now. I really dislike having to think of things to say. In that way I resonate with the Finnish culture. Finished.

[psychonautsjournal]

I was a prisoner of thought unspoken Like many, my perspective has awoken Silence for comfort, no longer I participate By speaking up, I believe: a better world we co-create But words of truth, have had the habit to be shunned, misunderstood MeToo, exploitation, fraud, climate crisis This digital age brings dormant pains to light Through connection our morality rises There is simply no more room for lies Internet has more than ever shown us our connection To the world, to others, our selves have no exemption Collectively, we are increasing our perception Transcending ignorance for temporary redemption To change outside requires us to also change within Mend our vision, stop division Based on gender or our skin This is when “I” end and “we” begins I daringly invite you To join me on this quest Turn your attention inwards Put your suffering to rest What ails us individually Become symptoms of global difficulty Unity is diversity Our perspectives, our responsibility The world starts with you So address yourself as such Be conscious of what’s happening With yourself to stay in touch Our planet, our consciousness, gives us one demand Divided we fall, united we stand Heal yourself to heal another Not enemies, but sisters and brothers We are one and this is my one for all For a generation of self healers, this was my call

Floortje van der Voort

[psychonautsjournal]

Silence for comfort, no longer I’ll participate To speak our truth, I understood, a better world we co-create Internet brings dormant pains, like MeToo, into the light Through connection, truth is shared, there’s no more room for lies Distracting attention, for temporary redemption The time has come for change But change external requires us to also change within So let us mend our vision to stop division Based on gender or our skin This is where “I” ends, and “we” begins What ails us, individually We suffer from, globally Heal yourself to learn another Not enemies, but sister and brother We are one and it’s one for all For an age of self-healing, this is my call

Floortje van der Voort

[oyasumiqt]

When it is not in our power to determine what is true, we ought to act in accordance with what is most probable.

Descartes (via oyasumiqt)

[heavensghost]

Cough it out // the front bottoms

[retrogamingblog]

Crystal Piece of Heart made by Decalism

[obligatorymorningfart]

[psychonautsjournal]

You.

I know you will read this some day. By then you’ll probably finally realise al the things I didn’t say. It may seem like I already talk much about my feelings, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The truth is that I hurt all day, every day. I think it’s something in my way of thinking, that I do it to myself.

But.

It hurts when you see my message and you don't respond. The more hours pass, the more it hurts. The more you let me wait, or at least I think you make me do, the more I think I did something wrong and you're punishing me for it. I know I do it too. I do it to you too, so maybe you’ll feel the same as I do. I know it’s all an projection which makes it even more fucked up. But when I don’t make you wait, you make me wait for hours, half days, and in that time I just recycle the thoughts that we don’t match together, we’re not meant to be together. In those moments, I’m detaching myself from you already. I’ve detached from you so many times by now, I feel like a fraud whenever I talk to you.

This is an opportunity for me to learn how to handle it when people don’t respond. The weird this is that idgaf when people make me wait usually, it’s just with the people I date. Maybe I become addicted to their attention, always wanting more and the feeling that I don’t get it. 

I want to be independent of you.

Now I hate messaging online. I’m thinking of just getting a phone where I can text and call and that’s it. I love Google maps, my calendar and my banking account app. I keep telling myself that those are the reasons I keep my smartphone, but that’s only partly true. I don't want to miss out on you.

[psychonautsjournal]

Net alsof je ontsmettingsmiddel op de wond gooit, geef je aandacht aan deze herinnering. Beide doen pijn om te doen, maar op deze wijze herstelt het op de juiste manier. Anders krijg je een litteken dat je weerlicht nooit meer zal helen. Hoor dichter bij der ervaring begint met helen, hoe beter het heelt. Negeer de wond niet. Dan ontsteekt het. Geef het de aandacht die het nodig heeft. Dat is het enige wat de pijn, de herinnering, wilt. Je hoeft er niet eens over na te denken als je het voelt. Je heelt automatisch. Je lichaam weet hoe. Vertrouw op jezelf en je lichaam. Geef het pilotenschap over aan de automatische piloot. Alleen voelen, zonder na te denken. Geen veroordeling, geen analyse. Alleen de beleving. Dit stukje universum smeekt jou om ervaren te worden. Deze ervaring, die exclusief toebehoort, bestaat niet zonder jou. Dit bestaat alleen tot jou toe. Wanneer je deze ervaring negeert, ontken je jezelf en het leven om te bestaan. This is your piece of the universe, begging to be experienced by your consciousness. Give it the space to live. Allow it's existence. Allow your existence.

[oyasumiqt]

Acts of taking are equally evil. We, from the moment of birth, continue to take: food, people that got involved with us, even our own flesh and blood. For as long as we live, we continue to slaughter, kill, take. Life is to constantly sin. Life is evil itself. I am aware of it, I am evil… and so are you all.

Yoshimura, Tokyo Ghoul Chapter 126 / S2E9 

[psychonautsjournal]

In life, and videogames

If you get stuck, and you don’t know where to go or what to do.

Think back to your previous actions and the clues the environment, NPCs and storyline gave you. It will never leave you completely clueless.

Check your inventory, what do you already possess that has a clue or purpose for it that you haven’t fulfilled yet? Look at what you HAVE, not at what you don’t have. That’s always where the answer lies.

We already have all the answers, but sometimes we forget. Go back, think, learn, follow. Trust yourself, the path and your intuition.

[psychonautsjournal]

Life^4

[psychonautsjournal]

[psychonautsjournal]

[psychonautsjournal]

Today was the perfect day to do absolutely nothing.

10月10日 私