[psychosomatic-grrrls]

i always end up in the same spot

nothing dulls the ache or fills the hole

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

just a complicated american girl

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

reunited with my ex situationship, i’ve been at his house for the past 3 days. unfortunately still sexy and a good time.

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

been dancing while on drugs, roller skating, consuming way too much caffeine, and not eating enough lately.

[wakeupyoungmen]

Chris Cornell, 1991

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

today is the saddest day

pictures of my weekend and one of chris

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

got drunk in a hot tub, fell asleep in my bikini, worked on my car, vomited blood, etc.

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

the homies came into town on tour and put us on the guest list

did drugs before i went to church for a communion

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

benderbenderbender

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

i’m nobody’s backup

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

never giving a man a chance ever again

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

baby 2 day bender

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

consuming substances and fixing cars,

the american dream

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

goodbye atlanta

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

vacation

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

masquerade fit and luke and missy and puppies and my new glasses

[psychosomatic-grrrls]

it’s NEDA month, i wanted to share some thoughts.

i’ve struggled with anorexia on and off since i was 12 years old. 9 years of disordered eating has done irreparable damage to my mental and physical health as an adult. i still struggle immensely with not restricting and it honestly feels ridiculous. this last stint has been the longest in a while, almost 5 years of fairly consistent restriction. the worst of it was last winter. realistically, i don’t think i’ll ever fully recover. because even when i’m doing relatively well, my thoughts are still plagued with food and eating and calories and i still body check every chance i get. i will be haunted by this for the rest of my life and i struggle with that a lot. my mother was the person that first made me struggle with this. she made a stupid, mindless comment that tilted my world on its side and changed me forever. i don’t think i can ever fully forgive her. i am addicted to the emptiness. to the numbers. it gives me a horrible sense of purpose that i just can’t replicate. i don’t wish for this ugliness to live inside of anybody else.

if you think you want this, you don’t. this disorder has made me hate myself. i have become incredibly vain in a way that i despise, a vanity that i used to judge in other people. the world has declared me beautiful but i have never felt more ugly.