My Raw, Shit Ass Life & Intrusive Thoughts

@psychoticepisode666

Hi, my name is Najaeli, & this is my new page. I've had my last page since 2009, so this hurts me. I literally can't even remember my "about me" section. I post very raw content about my life, including tough moments, random things going on, & just reminiscing. I held nothing back. I post unedited screenshots, real names, & whatever is on my sick mind & never look back. Alot of the posts were too triggering to want to relive it. I don't care to mention my age. Just know that I'm close to 40. I'm a Scorpio. I post risque content, depressing, sexual thoughts & my lifestyle-- just any and everything to get the "mental vomit" out. I'm very mentally ill, & diagnosed with Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Severe depression, Severe anxiety, schizo-affective disorder, Postpartum Psychosis, bipolar disorder with psychotic features, ADD, & Substance Abuse Disorder. Shit sux. I've gone to school for English, Psychology, & Medical Administration Assisting. I'm a former top drummer within the Mississippi and surrounding areas. I'm an addict. I speak about drugs. I'm a very sexual being & extremely emotional. I'm an artist & also enjoy doing self photography, poetry & stories, & won many competitions for every talent that I have. I consider my photos art. I've been featured in many newspapers, for my drawings, writing, & my music. Percussion is my forte. I always feel shitty about my life. I sometimes turned my poetry into songs. I'm pan. i have 2 sons. I'm an alternative girl of color. I'm also a juggalette. I practice witchcraft. I was one of the first people to start "Alternative Girls of Color" vids on YouTube, back in the day. I'm currently in a 9 year relationship with a "straight" guy, but I prefer bi/pan guys & transwomen the MOST, but I do love all genders💜 My oldest son's abusive dad is pan. I have *daddy issues* I post random things from the top of my mind & never look back. K, bye, I think Oh! & I have lots of cats lol

3,893 posts

That's what I be talking about... You're "white ppl broke". $1543 is broke?! I'm sitting here with LITERALLY... FUCKING LITERALLY $0.00. I swear to God I am. It honestly just pisses me tf off... Because, wtf are you pretending shit??? Fuck it & you too!!!!! Always pretending like they don't have SHIT, knowing that's a lie, bc I KNEW they've always been "white folks broke". I'd love to even have a fraction of that shit. Asshole. I can go on & on & on, but I'm not going to, rn.

I don't count pockets, but I feel like that with them, I have a right to. Plus, hell, they talk about me "having nothing" or "never going outside the house" nshit, so yeah. Just all kinda shit. Times like this, almost makes me wanna stay having them taking care of me. We just talk about Robert, like it's nothing. They actually be bringing him up. Anybody else I don't & won't allow that. I've been wondering why Robert's friends, who used to fuck & devour me, have suddenly been trying to o be all *buddy buddy* with, like they weren't just parked in my yard or at a relative or theirs home, recording me sucking their dick. I guess 🫩🫩. Lol

I'm so saddened that "Boot Boot" died!! Just whyyyy, Lord, whyyyyy?!?? Why are all of my precioa babies leaving me😭😭🥺. She could tell that he was beginning to "jump the rainbow", as she calls it l,.& She was right. My baby ...

I fell asleep. Idk wtf I was gonna say... I'll come back.

YES, I'm an "old head" that's bitter about how everybody's doing the whole *Early 2000s* alternative look, when I've spent all of my teenage & even college years being made fucking fun of. 🤬🤬🤬 Sometimes, I feel like everyone's a poser. I've been doing this alt shit since 2005 :/. Idfk

I was posting a pic of my pussy in some panties, but I changed my mind & deleted it 😭😭😭

Maaaaan... I can't let this nigga shop for me for shit. I TOLD HIM NOOOO FUCKING RED STUFF... NOOOO CHERRY. I'LL BE GODDAMNED IF EVERYTHING IS RED & CHERRY. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?????????!!!!!!! OMFG!!! THEN IT COST AN EXTRA 200, WHEN IT ABSOLUTELY SHOULD HAVE NOT!!!!!!!!!! THEEE FAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I don't have the stamps that I fucking calculated!! It's fucked up now!!! Omfg!!! 😠😠😠🫩🫩😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like really?!?!?? Ughhhgghghghghghgghh!!!!! Anyway... I exited & forgot whatevertf else I was about to say.

I found the extreme self harm video I was talking about, that got my shit terminated 🫤🫤. It's a good ass video, as fucked up & sickening as it sounds. It makes me feel like Stan, on that episode of South Park, where his shit is so fucking humongous, that he has to share it with the world 😭😭😭. It had me feeling like that. I showed ecerydamnbody 😔😔. Sad af.

I just made a shitload of videos for TT. I hate that dumb site/app. Uggghhhh. It's too irritating to post on here, bc you can only do one vid at a time, smh.

This is at least one thing that I like.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells talking about this shit, which is why I have to say things in a code. I don't want certain sentences/phrases to cause termination again. I hate it sm.

I screamed at the top of my lungs earlier, because I just lost it. I cried so fucking hard. Ugly cried. I called Sonya to tell her what happened, as I was crying. Robert hates when I self harm. He still doesn't know what's going with me, because I can't make myself speak atm. I'm just tired. As scared of death, I just be wanting to "go home" alot.

So, the last dream that I had was so intense. I swear to God, I thought it was real. Since my postpartum has been so fucking bad, I dreamt that Tyler tried to commit suicide, because of all the pressure & I guess shame or something that was put on him, because he dropped a cake, that Debbie gave him, that I said not to, bc he's gonna drop it. Willie was there for some reason... Idk why. I'm passing that part, bc it's not important atm. We found him in the backyard underneath something... I can't remember what it was, with his body broken & bleeding, & I just kept holding & rubbing him & saying stuff like "I love you so much. Please my baby, I love you, please don't go. Please stay here. Don't leave me..." I can't describe the condition he was in. I'm crying as I'm typing this. I think about him committing suicide all of the time, bc he says stuff about wishing he was dead... & Talks about stuff like that. He thinks all of these awful things, & it truly hurts me. I get scared & worried all of the time, about finding him... My pain is too much. I wanna stop feeling emotions. I wanna turn my fucking brain off. Why can I never just relax?!?! Why?!?!

I probably need to nut or something, but I don't masterbate...

I just took these ugly shits about ten min ago. I'm probably gonna delete the last two... It's something about them. They make me feel fat or something. Idk. I weigh 100something, but I feel humongous. 🥺😞😭💔. Gawd, this is so fucking shitty. What broke me down even more was seeing somebody I thought was dear to me, "married" on their FB. I was already crying, but that made me cry even harder!!!

I forgot I was writing this shit, HOURRRS & HOURS AGO😅. Idk wtf I was about to say, smh. I don't even turn my T.V on anymore. I'm scared of darkness & silence. I just don't care. I don't. Idk if I want "friends", but not having a "friend", feels so terrible. I know it's contradictory. If someone DID wanna be my friend, I'd completely never respond, so idk wtf I have going on. I can't describe it..??

I thought I posted these, smh

Ppl keep commenting on my somewhat "kinda extreme" weightloss. Idc. I wanna lose more & more. I'm actually going for a certain look, in my head. Sonya said one day, that I don't need to get too skinny, or I'll start looling "sick"... I never comment on my weight, bc of my body dysmophia. I mean, I've never been "fat" or "big". I just wasn't satisfied. The only thing I miss is my titties. Other than that, I like it & stare in the mirror ALL the time. Okay... I guess I'll be brave enough to say this-- I lost 72 pounds, in just a couple of months.

I feel like I should probably delete this, bc of how I feel about my body. 😞😞😞.

& NO, this has absolutely NOTHING to do with Robert. He doesn't even know why I wanna d!3. The only person who knows is Sonya, but she doesn't know that I'm harming myself over it. That's the only thing. I just feel crushed. So fucking crushed. Who knew 3 hours of what was supposed to be positive af, & I was actually happy for once, would have me here doing all this shit to myself? Nothing good ever comes my way. I can't ever feel not even a piece of "happiness". Something... Idk whether to consider it "happy", but something that was supposed to bring a change in my life, that I've been praying for... Like fml. Idk... I don't even wanna say too much, bc I don't want this page terminated like my last. My last was terminated, bc I showed my self harm arm. Freshly done. The thing is that I do it so hard, that it looks like I should probably go to the hospital, but I don't. It eventually just heals. I DO NOT clean anything. I never do... I just like to look at it for some reason. Anyway, yeah. It was a frightening, bloody pic AND video, of it dripping down my arm. It was beyond hospital worthy. I hate when I even feel like doing it, bc I GO HARD. I'm just sick. I've kinda stopped covering it up. You'd just have to pay attention, & you'll see all the scars. I wish I knew where my spiked wrist thing disappeared to 😞😞. I hate my dumb life. Smfh

I feel like the reason I wanna leave is valid?? A little? Idk... It feels valid to ME. I feel so much hurt, pain, & despair. Hopelessness-- More than I already do in the first place. Everything is just getting shittier & shittier. Why? I just take these meds... I just be sick & stuck. All of this almost makes me just wanna ask Robert for my car back & drive to nowhere... Just sit around like I always used to do. Drive with no destination, like I always do. I was never worried about shit, bc I was legit. I gotta get my tag updated... Even though I'm not currently driving it. I still have my OTHER car, though. It's fixed & driveable. I miss driving it anyway. When I opened up the door & looked inside (it's clean af. Looks new nshit), it made me think about shit. Dumb ass shit happened in it. It's the car I was driving, when I got punched in the face for not going through with sucking dick, bc Robert followed me, & caught me before I ALMOST about to suck some dick. My mouth wasn't on the tip yet. Then, I went home & killed myself & ended up in ICU, & called him from the nut house, fixing our relationship😭😭😭. That's only a PIECE of the story. I was on 7 xans mixed with moonshine. That real ass shit. I already told this fucking story, though, so I'm not giving anymore details. I'm sure it's remembered.

I'm tired. Who gaf anyway? It's not like I have any fucking friends or anything. 🥹. All I have are my kids & my cats. At least my cats love me. I'm just tired of them dying. 💔. All I fucking do is cry, cry, cry. I'm crying right tf now. I'm just a fucking crying mess. I just cry & $elf h@rm. I wish I was an "ordinary" person. Having 10 mental illness, with physical shit going on, is so shitty. I wouldn't wanna be my friend either. 💔💔💔💔🥹

Im sv(!dal as fuck rn.

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