The Psychotic Rantings of a Schizophrenic

  Nothing on this blog is to be taken as fact or represents the beliefs or opinions of any individual or organization. Psychotic and Disassociation TRIGGER WARNING NSFW  

[psychoticrantingschizophrenic]

Social Security

I just applied for social security in the US, and since it was my first time I know I'm going to get denied which is utterly ridiculous. But it's all part of the process of getting better.

[psychoticrantingschizophrenic]

I feel. . .

Idk, no better than last night but different. I am just so tired. Tired of fighting.

[passionslezislostinthevoid]

Horror Movie

I feel like I’m in a horror movie.

I’m just waiting for them to get me.

The waiting is the scariest part. Know something is going to happen. But not what.

I can’t sleep because when I close my eyes …

I feel them creeping up on me. So close the hairs on my neck stand straight.

I can’t block them out. Why can’t I block them out?!?

[psychoticrantingschizophrenic]

Their Back

Did they ever leave, has any of this progress even happened or was it all a dream? I feel like I am in the same place I just got out of.

They have a hold of my mind and they won’t let go.

They are planning something. Something that took months of them letting me be normal to plan. Or was it seconds?

I don’t know anymore.

Why wasn’t I satisfied? Why did I miss them? Is this all part of it? Did they make me feel this way?

No one can answer me because they will only tell me what I already know to be false.

[psychoticrantingschizophrenic]

But. . .

I miss it

[psychoticrantingschizophrenic]

I Don’t Know Who I Am Without My Illness

. . .But I am trying to figure it out. My meds have been working. I rarely have delusional thoughts or paranoia. No hallucinations. It’s hard now to even imagine what it was like just a few months ago. I am starting to be happy and live my life.

[psychoticrantingschizophrenic]

Hurting

Every time I eat I feel these cramps but they're not from this world. They're from THEM. Punishing me for eating.

But you know what I say. SCREW IT. I'm not going to let them control me any more. This is my life and I'm going to enjoy food.

[roseknifes-moved]

i want to follow some more blogs so could u like/reblog this if you post about

• trauma • bpd • schizoaffective/schizophrenia • c/ptsd • depression, anxiety, mental illness in general, etc • extra points if ur blog is photo-based or has a theme to the posts

and mayb follow me if you’d like!! i follow from @doever

[psychoticrantingschizophrenic]

Not pregnant, just a delusion

Facts: I'm a virgin asexual homoromantic but I have this feeling

But. . .

Maybe it's the other me, the one they are experimenting on. And this is just one of the things I feel too. I'm scared of what they are going to do. I hate this

[psychoticsuggestion]

Why do you walk though the world when you know the one you are seeing is fake? Nothing is real. (My daily intrusive thoughts )

[passionslezislostinthevoid]

Meds are…working

It’s like they built a cotton wall but I can still hear stuff going on its just muffled. And its irritating that it feels like there is something I can’t reach in my brain.

I miss that part of me. Its stupid but I do. I still remember what is happening and it bothers me that I just gave in to what they wanted. But not enough for me to do anything about it. That’s how everything is now. I care but just not enough.

[psychoticrantingschizophrenic]

It's getting bad again. . .

[psychoticrantingschizophrenic]

REALITY CHECKS DON'T WORK BECAUSE NOTHING IS REAL

[psychoticrantingschizophrenic]

Just. . .stop

FUCKING end it, please. Just make this stop. Leave me ALONE!

[passionslezislostinthevoid]

Unexpected therapy

So I thought that my therapy was scheduled for tomorrow but I randomly thought I would confirm it. So I text her and she says yeah it’s tomorrow. All done until I get this feeling. Not a minute later she texts me and tells me she read the thing wrong and it’s today. So I have to rush to get ready (then I have extra time) then I leave the house at the normal time and almost forget the new patient packet she is going to help me fill out for my psychiatrist.

Traffic was a mess and people were jerks.

So rn I’m sitting in her office on a cocktail of anxiety, disassociation, and paranoid delusions. And she’s ALWAYS like 15 minutes late and I’m 10 minutes early so I have to sit in this waiting room with all these eyes and try now to freak the f out

[psychoticrantingschizophrenic]

I don't want to stop existing

I want to start

[psychoticrantingschizophrenic]

Calm, I don't trust it

I'm just a shell, something's coming and I'm going to regret wishing to feel again