Puhms

[puhms]

I’m sorry Arvin

I dream a lot

And I remember my dreams a lot

But they vanish as the day fades

[puhms]

Poetry for the end of the world

[puhms]

Even writing about it feels disgusting

Who am I to comment on them

Even in admiration

How many beautiful gebtlile people have I helped kill with my tax dollars

My whole family is here

How can I raise my daughter here

Do I abandon my people

How hard should I fight

What’s safe

For my body AND my soul

I could set it on fire in protest

Like other heroes

But I cannot

I could never leave my daughter alone in this world willingly

I would never

I need to fight

For her

So that she can believe

So that I can believe

Frankie tells me we come from a long line of fighters

And we will be okay

I feel that and it reads like a war cry

Please don’t let us suffer

Please don’t let them suffer

Please continue to fill me with hope every time I look in my daughters eyes

It’s what sustains me

My purest love my whole life in a person

Grace Alice

[puhms]

The triangles have taken over my life

I must return in the morn

[puhms]

It’s supposed to be the elite versus us, but it’s my dad versus me when I try to talk to him. It’s all I see

Yes Eric Trump is a sick fuck

Sure you keep watching but I don’t respect it

Yeah I will I will in my house I will enjoy this

[puhms]

Pewter’s I thought

Today that’s what stuck

An uncle of mine once drew me a rhyme it was an Irish calligraphy that seemed what my date would be and in it he mentioned to my interaction

A peering of things across the half door

It turns out you see I so happen to

have grown up with such a door

And have seen a many thing

peering in the night

I thought though I see

Peerers could be…

Peerers could be Peerers of matrix

The few that I’ve met that have seemed to elude

The disruption that normally is pursued

Components disarmed and walls broken down

No sociological armies afoot no anything

That could be something or should

Just people existing and expressing themselves and laughing and crying and smoking some pot

Not even maybe once it wasn’t the pot

It was the platonic invitation of love at first sight

A safety that comes from deep connection

No listing and frosting and bitching and ditching

It was human connection without fear of their night

[puhms]

Connor is going through some stuff for Christmas this year. He gave me a hard two chakra healer sound healing frequency, which is crazy because I’ve been exploring different ways to help him, heal his shotgun and let go of his stuff which I also need to do so I feel hypocritical doing but we often help people I guess from a point of pain like Rob said so I guess we’re all suffering in someway

[puhms]

There’s a lot inside of me

Vast oceans and winding rivers

Dark forests and whipping sands

Christmas is over now and it felt good to clean

I think of the Gazans digging in rubble piece by piece

Sweeping the dust from their makeshift floors

Excersizing

Playing

Cleaning

Reading

We watch Lucas the spider and do a load of laundry

It’s a lazy day, Grace smiles jumps and cries out for some cheese. She loves cheese and I love to watch her eat it.

I feel pain for arguing with my mother. “That’s so dumb” I said. “Comply and you won’t have a problem is something you say to a hostage, not someone living in a free country, fuck!”

A free country

My life is blessed

I know this

She knows do

So why do we do this

Why the pain

Rob was talking to me about pain he said pain is the only reason we do anything it’s the only reason

we change

I looked at him funny - pain?

Not doubt but curiousity

I disagreed until I didn’t

Yes pain

Not physical pain

But sure maybe

Maybe Ive been searching for meaning since the beginning bc of pain of disconnection

From heaven

Because my heart knows it

I guess I changed my life many times because of pain

Emotional

Physical

Is that why we’re here? Pain????

We’re here to experience pain?

And all the joy

Is just to make it bearable?

If so it does

It really does

I love you without limits without pause without any extra

I love you as you are, being as you are

We are born into this world with great love in our hearts

Love to nourish and feed the soul

Strength

Strength to do better and take bettter care

Take the best care

Of me

And you

And everyone here

That’s why I fight

Cement docking lock box rocking

Disturb the derby

Counting on your loading

Unlock the fridge box

Clock on the dirty rocks

Missles keep flying

Whistle carpet riding

Children are singing

Bombs are ringing

Schools are exploding

Ego keeps it going

Mothers are weeping

“They’re not for our keeping!”

Families dividing

Teardrops keep rising

Creating an ocean

The pain of no solution

In sight that is, in mind it lives

But fear is unloading and soldiers are drowning

and the pain will echo

Generations can’t let go

What we do now matters

Step up to plate, batters!

This isn’t a game but they move just the same

We aren’t just bodies

There souls in those lockets

[puhms]

Right now

Love looks like

Not having eaten all day

And finally making my plate

With yours next to mine

So you can eat

When you are home

[puhms]

There is so much happening inside of me right now and so little at the same time it’s all very confusing

My days consist of making my girl smile

Feeding her teaching her resting with her and playing

I’ve spent so much time doing every other than this it feels like I’m not doing it right

It feels like it did when I was young and free

But I am no longer that

It’s odd to be back here again and also it’s

Miraculous

Watching the world continue with such chaos amidst all this peace it’s very confusing

And odd that it even challenges me

I’d like to say I’m softly settling into this lush love this tiny tadpole hole with my babies and the like

What is it that stops me?

All this hairy chaos in the background

This need to overcome what was

To distance myself from it

But not without sorting it out

I do t want it to resurface

I don’t want it to spill over onto this life

Spill over onto my sweet angel

I must eradicate it within myself

So there are no stains left

Nothing to darken her light

Only to boost it

Only to help her shine

[puhms]

Why can’t I sleep at night?

Dread

It used to be

Or maybe it never was that I

Dreaded work or school or deadlines or

Maybe it’s been loss since the beginning

Loss of this soft warm cozy loved life

With my people

I adore

I deeply deeply love

I thank god I can experience this depth of feeling

This depth of love

And gratitude

Her toes on my belly while she sleeps

Our room is dark and cold but we are so warm

We are so warm

[puhms]

No

I won’t get old

I won’t submit to misery and fear

I will hold hope in my chest and let it inflate me

I will allow it to lift me high

Saying the left is a bunch of violent lunatics when the right stormed the capitol with groups saying “Hang Mike Pence”.

Some of us have the KKK and actual Nazis on “our side”. and others have the remainder of the world don’t.

[puhms]

The middle of the night is still

Yet I never feel alone

There’s a peering in

About 3am

[puhms]

Silenced

Shhhhhhhhhhh

Shushed

boxed up with a bow

They don’t love you when your like this

They don’t like you when you care so much

Keep your care smaller

Make it more palatable

I know you’re watching them slaughter children

But I don’t want to see it

Or hear about it I rather ignore it

I rather pretend it’s what has always happened

What’s wrong with you that that’s better than

Weeping with them

Amplifying their voices

That that’s better tha

Paying attention to that

Don’t cry for those people

You just don’t get it

It’ll always be that way

Suffering is part of it all you’ll have to accept it

It’s not us

It’s their reality not yours

You are weak for your empathy

Your empathy is a mental illness

When you cry for them you look crazy

I know it was a baby

I know it was a baby

I know it’s children

But still

I said

WHATS WRONG WITH TOU

What’s actually wrong with you that you could give a fuck thousands of children are being murdered with your tax dollars

My voice matters

She tells me

It doesn’t

Hers doesn’t

And neither does mine

That’s not what the gazans are saying

On the live stream

As their children are starved

As their voices are silenced

Why don’t they want to be a lifeline?

When all it requires is a repost or a comment or a message to the suffering or an email sent

If that’s all you can do

So that they are not alone!

That hurts me

That some of the people closest to me

Are silent

Are complicit

Our children will be born and live through the same

We need to talk

We need to have difficult conversations

They deserve that

They deserve us to fight for a better world

They deserve us to be better

Our children

[puhms]

Raisinga human

In the world today

Means

Planting a seed in a field half on fire

And your flower blooms against all odds

And there is a shining brilliant sun

And deadly heavy floods

And natural fertilizers

(that are rushed away in the floods)

you pray they get absorbed

but there’s no real control

Except self

And there’s no teaching

Only being

And I am always struggling to be

And I’m not starting with the best tools

I never cared to collect them

Until now and now I must have a full shed of tools

I hate me for

my lack

I love you

For your abundance

Of joy

Of love

Of ability

You as you are is everything

I hope you live a long and beautiful life and never have to feel the gravity and sharp edges of this world

The devastation of living through

Genocide

Famine

Disease

The devastation of witnessing

The severe lack of love here

The evil in ego

The suffering it can bring

The fear in your spine

I hope you always have everything you need

I hope you never know self doubt

I hope your love for yourself shines from the inside out and ignites the fire in the hearts of all those you interact with

I hope you never feel disconnected from love and the true source of existence, which is pure loving creation and peace beyond comprehension, true harmony and abundance is where we come from and I hope you always feel the love of all the people who came before you, who loved you and always will, who still actively send their loving protective energy to you, who cheer you on and comfort you through dreams and signs, reaching out to you and imprinting on this life like energetic fingerprints on the fabric of consciousness

I hope you stay fierce in your joy.

I hope you always follow it and stay in your light.

Let it illuminate the world like it illuminates me

Like it inspires me to keep trying

To fight the weight

With your lightness

Dreams do come true

You were once my dream

A dream I barely let myself dream

A dream I only dreamt while sleeping

A dream I never felt worthy of

And now I’m here

With my dream

And I’m terrified I’ll never be enough

I’ll never be able to give you what you deserve

To be all you’ll need while you’re here

I pray and beg god for the chance

To let me try

I read self care checklists

I don’t know where to start

I brush my teeth and floss every day and my teeth are still rotting

And I can’t stop crying

I’m used to disappointing myself

but not as used to failure

I need to make a list

I’ll figure this out I will

I will always keep trying

My Grace

[puhms]

Use!

Goat pointy long beard

tall not intimidated proud

Wanting to move on too quickly

Rebellion destructive

Intensity

Desire

Ownership

I don’t know how to write poems anymore

Especially about you

When we were only 21 you choked me so hard because of my big feelings

I said I’d ruin it and thought I meant my relationship

I should have known I was crying so hard

For me

I didn’t think I meant my life

I almost destroyed myself

But instead

I left you

And found a new, stronger more resilient version

A fertile ground to breathe new life to

Quite literally birthed my best friend

Though to get here I did

Have to destroy the walls built and by walls I mean

I had to fuck my way through the puke

The vomit my body projected every time I tried to get close to another man’s body

Thick

And black

Like tar

There was so much of it

It just kept coming

Every time it came I said

Just a while longer

Keep trying

We’re safe

We’re safe

I protected

[puhms]

Explosive men

He says it’s our nature

Why does that make ours running? Tucking? Ducking? Maneuvering?

What does it mean when someone’s nature directs your own? When your own nature is reactive?

I don’t feel good about myself it’s why I hide it I e also been ducking from their radar. My entire life I kept the weight on I’ve protected myself from their gaze, I’ve befriended them and tried to help them soften, to recognize the sweetness and fight for it, to elevate it within them.

And now I have a daughter

And my heart breaks every time I hear another one of them lash out

Outs

That’s what my daughter says when it hurts

Outs