As a Dom I’ve spent many years handling triggers and the emotional downfall after. I don’t profess to be an expert by any means, and I can’t even say I’ve handled them all well. I mess up, and that’s what usually leads me to write things like this. For those unware a trigger is any encounter, act, etc that triggers a horrible memory, response, or thoughts about past trauma.
Triggers happen for many reasons and can happen to both Doms and Subs but typically you hear about it when talking about a Submissive. Triggers aren’t always sexual in nature and can happen at anytime during a scene, play session, or just spending the weekend together, etc. I’ve seen subs triggered by many things, some more intense triggers, and some were as mundane as a kiss on the wrong spot of the body. I had a sub triggered when I put hand cuffs on her and we’d discussed it at length before. I had a sub triggered by a kiss on her right shoulder. Etc etc.
PTSD and Trauma memories manifest themselves in many ways. The Dom with the best intentions can still Trigger something. What’s important is to recognize when a trigger has occurred and stop things if you notice. That goes for Doms and Subs. If you are triggered, it’s time to stop everything as a sub. If you cause a trigger it’s time to stop everything.
After a trigger event it’s important to discuss what happened and how you can avoid that in the future. I’ve heard horror stories of doms that intentionally cause them just to see their sub cry or breakdown. It infuriates me to hear this but I’ve seen it happen. As a Dom your primary concern is your sub’s safety. Discussing how both of you can work to prevent these is key. It takes communication prior and after. If you as a Dom aren’t honest with a sub about your triggers and you as a sub aren’t honest beforehand about yours then mistakes will happen. Even if you are honest triggers happen. The key is understanding two things:
1. Triggers can’t be avoided 100%. They will happen at some point together. It’s just a fact of life. Be prepared and learn to recognize warning signs.
2. Triggers don’t have to mean the end of your relationship. I see this a lot. A trigger happens and the Dom or the Sub don’t think they can trust anymore, or don’t think they are good enough, or worry it’ll get worse.
With those two I even admit to failing them at times. The first one I did just recently and it caused a nasty trigger which in turn led to some of the second thing happening. We talked at length, we cried (yes I cry), we laughed, we hugged, we talked and we discussed how we both could have handled it differently. I took full responsibility despite her best efforts to say it wasn’t my fault. I’m a Dom, I should have seen the signs and I missed them. I will say had I known more about the issue that caused the trigger I would never have considered doing what I did at the time to cause it. I would have avoided it at all cost.
Don’t let triggers scare you. Don’t let them defeat you. They will happen. They just do. Be ready for them and learn from them. Don’t repeat my mistakes. Look for warning signs early and ask a lot of questions. It can be hard to talk about the past with someone but talking about it before can help avoid problems in the furture.
Also don’t let your past make you avoid the future. Don’t let the fear of a trigger or the result of one keep you from pushing on with your partner if you truly feel they had no bad intentions and seem to understand and want to learn to avoid them for you, give them a chance to prove that.
blakekathryn
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jacobvanloon
annaxmalina
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