some things i never considered about not eating (and you should think about before you go down this spiriling shithole)
it's rare to poop. i mean rare as if in "this is the fourth day in a row i can't poop" kind of way.
you're always cold. wear all the hoodies you want, you're still going to be cold.
your heart is going to beat slower. im talking about 50 bpm, if you're lucky. some people drop way lower than that.
slow heartbeat usually causes low blood pressure, which means dizziness, constantly feeling like you're about to pass out, light-headed, etc..
food is no longer food, it's calories. no matter how much you used to enjoy/still enjoy any dish/snack, the first thing you'll think about is calories. you won't remember how good it is because all that will fill your mind is how much you're not supposed to eat that.
when you do end up binging, you won't be able to stop the feeling of dread and failure from overcoming you. you'll feel worthless, you'll feel like you can never do anything right. you shouldn't have eaten that.
you'll think about/attempt purging constantly.
if you end up purging, be ready to fuck up your digestive system. you'll become addicted to getting the calories out of your body any way possible.
binging-purging cycles are going to fuck you up. youll eat 3,000 calories in two hours and then purge as if it was normal. your life will revolve around binging-purging.
all that you'll think about on a daily basis is how fat you are, even if the numbers on the scale are low, even if you can wrap one hand around your arm from how skinny it is, even if you can feel how dizzy you constantly are, even if you know your daily calorie count is below the 600s.
no matter how much weight you lose, it's never going to be enough. you'll never stop restricting, even if you reach your ugw. what do you think will happen when you reach your dream weight? are you going to eat regularly again just like that? restriction is going to follow you until you seek help.
you can't help it, you'll be jealous of every skinny person you see. you'll think about how many calories they eat, and what am i doing wrong? why am i not losing weight?
breakdowns! are you ready to cry at even the smallest inconvenience? maybe you saw some thinspo of a girl that looks like you, or maybe you ate a slice of bread and broke your fast, maybe you binged on 1000 calories in ten minutes; either way, you'll break down in your room at three in the morning because food keeps haunting you.
you'll always be scared someone will find out. you'll be paranoid when someone asks you how you dropped so much weight. when someone close to you keeps pointing out you're skinny, you'll stop taking it as a compliment and more like a threat. your biggest secret will be the first thing people notice when they see you.
be ready for a love-hate relationship with your disorder. youll only feel pretty when you're starving, and youll break down every time you eat anything. you'll want to brag about it with people you know, but deep down you know your disorder is so fucked up you'd be forced to stop if you told anyone. that's why you're here. on an anonymous blog.
skinny ≠ healthy. eating 500 calories daily doesn't make you healthy when those calorie come from one slice of pizza.
you won't ever be truly happy. as long as you restrict yourself, as long as you talk shit about your own body, as long as you hate living in your skin, as long as you crave being skinny more than you crave a healthy lifestyle, you'll never be truly happy. small bursts of bliss here and there, but nothing else.
depression, baby. it's hard to not end up there when all you think about is how miserable you are because of the way you look.
unreachable goals. that girl you use as thinspo? she's on her fifth day of fasting; she doesn't usually look like that. that picture you saw the other day? photoshopped; her waist isn't that small. the diet you saw for losing 10 pounds in a week? beyond unhealthy, and most of the time youll gain that weight back in two days.
body dysmorphia. whenever you look at yourself in the mirror, you'll think you're fat. you can't help it, your brain is literally plotting against you. you've forced yourself to believe that you don't look skinny, no matter what you do.
self-conscious about everything. did your friend eat more calories than you? is she one size smaller than you are? why are her arms so thin? did you count calories correctly?
hunger pains. being hungry is painful. you'll feel pain whenever you think about food (which is all the time).
you won't live with an eating disorder, your life will become your eating disorder. calories will follow you everywhere, no matter the day or occasion. your birthday. a funeral. night out with your friends. eating after three days of fasting. you'll feel guilty about eating 600 calories because it's 100 calories more than you should, even if it's still only a third of what's recommended to eat. you'll cry when you eat, even if you're so hungry it physically hurts.
you'll never be the same. that person you are right now? forget about them. you'll change drastically, and who knows if it'll be for the best.
i wish i had read this before i got so out of control.
it's never too late to seek help. you are loved. you are valid. you are important.
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