Puns n' Roses

Straight up not giving a shit

[punsnroses]

I don't know, the Internet?

I was going to come on here and complain about the hacker group that was allegedly responsible for taking the PlayStation Network and Xbox Live offline on Christmas. I decided the Internet wasn't the best place to do that. It would be like flying to Liverpool just to loudly call the Beatles a bunch of wankers or tossers or wet sprockets every time I saw something that identified it as the band's place of origin. 

Instead of bitching about that, I'm going to reminisce about a simpler time in video gaming, a time when people didn't have to go online or pay $20 for downloadable content. I remember when delivering papers and crossing the street as frog were the most challenging strategic games on the market. 

Today, every successful video game is turned into a series and releases a "new" game each year and the games get so repetitive that every person that continues to buy them hates themselves. Trust me, if you've played one game about a revenge-seeking, parkour-tricking pirate, you've played them all.

If something hits the mainstream, chances are good it will be sold in game form before its coolness wears off as much as Johnny Depp's since he decided it was stylish to wear purple tinted sunglasses. There's even a Duck Dynasty video game out now and according to the reviews of that game, it's hard to make an entertaining video game about a family that's good at growing beards and crouching. Oh, it's not that kind of ducking?

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Wish list

It's never too early to start making a list for next year's Christmas. Here's what I want in 2015.

- Sylvester Stallone to make at least three more movies playing a role he made famous. Yes, he's playing Rocky again to train Apollo Creed's grandson, but what about John Rambo and Mr. Expendable? I refuse to believe either one of those guys would take this North Korea bullshit lying down.

- I'm still hoping David Blaine was behind that missing airplane and he'll reveal that all the passengers are alive and well.

- I'd love to avoid getting poison ivy on my penis.

- Maintain my diet/exercise routine well enough that my chest protrudes more than my stomach.

- Make up a nickname for myself and, without explanation, have people start calling me by it. I'm thinking something intimidating like "Razor" or "Curbstomper."

- I want to finally get an answer as to why a group of adults thought it was a good idea to name their ska band "Cherry Poppin' Daddies." It's slightly more lyrical than calling your group "The Virginity Takers," but cloaking the true meaning makes it creepier. The 1990s ska revival would have never ended if they didn't have a name associated with child molestation. Why couldn't they have called themselves the Brian Setzer Orchestra or something?

- Lastly, I want Tyler Perry and Spike Lee to release a double feature on race relations in the U.S. It will be just like Grindhouse from Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, hopefully with twice the Kurt Russell. What a hunk. 

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Interview questions

Who knew North Korea didn't share America's sense of humor? I saw enough ads for that banned movie that I won't name to get the basic idea. Seth Rogen and James Franco play idiots that are part of a plot to assassinate a world leader. I've always said that I want to get famous enough that if I'm killed my death won't be called a murder, it will be labeled an assassination. Their characters are on the opposite side of the plot of The Naked Gun, where Reggie Jackson and Ricardo Montalban attempt to kill Queen Elizabeth II and Leslie Nielsen a.k.a. Enrico Palazzo is the only man who can stop them. O.J. Simpson aside, that movie can't be topped. The only reason I want to see this new Franco-Rogen is to hear more of Seth Rogen's hypnotic chuckling.

Forgive me for siding with the millionaires that run a movie studio, but I'm not outraged by their decision. If a movie theater went kaboom because the executives refused to give in to the threats of the Sony hackers, the same people that are ripping Sony for backing down would be shouting "I told you so" through megaphones outside their U.S. headquarters. 

And if North Korea turns out to be involved, it would be a bogus move to call their bluff. Everyone has a loose cannon friend that does kooky things just because people dare them or say they won't do it. North Korea is one giant loose cannon with a demented haircut. For a former United Nations Messenger of Peace, George Clooney has some balls saying America should risk provoking violence over a comedic movie. I certainly agree it's silly people's safety is being threatened over a movie.

We have a real shoe bomber situation on our hands here. One guy tries to blow up a plane with explosives packed in his shoes and after that people had to walk through airport security in their socks. It would have been a risky move for Sony to put its foot down and release the movie, but I can't argue too much with them taking a cautious approach. After all, Lt. Frank Drebin isn't around to save the day. 

[punsnroses]

Shut your mouth when you're talking to me

I know the virality of the New York City catcall video has died down, but I'm going to write about it anyway.

The number one message we should all take away from that video? New York is full of weirdos.

It wasn't really a fair experiment since the actress that walked through the city streets didn't speak or even acknowledge any of the strangers that said something to her. She put her head down and powered through like I do during a good ThighMaster sesh. Her, and other women that get catcalls, have a choice to disregard as much as or as little of the attention they receive. 

This video is another reason why I'll never get good at picking up chicks. If saying "Hello, beautiful or "How are you?" to an unfamiliar woman that I find attractive is considered derogatory then I'm never opening my mouth in public again. The only way I'll communicate with women from now on is by passing a note, middle school-style, or by singing a John Mayer song. I contest that reciting his lyrics in public is an act more heinous than anything depicted in the catcall video. He had to be delighted when Your Body is a Wonderland became a hit, a song with lyrics that range from mushy: "I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it" to misplaced "Damn baby, You frustrate me."

The next time a woman approaches me on the street and strikes up a conversation will be the first occurrence. That's not a complaint, it's a fact. I can barely hold a two-minute conversation with someone whose company I enjoy. I like minding my own business as much as U2 likes forcing their music onto people's iPhones.

I don't know what all the hubbub was about. I didn't see anything in that video that was unexpected. Most men were polite and took a few seconds out of their day to say something nice and try to grab the young woman's attention. When they failed to achieve a response, they desisted. That sequence of events likely holds true for the majority of straight men around the world. Most guys are decent people and don't replicate the jizz throwing scene from The Silence of the Lambs when a woman avoids their advances. If you didn't see that happen in the NYC catcall video then you aren't likely to see it anywhere. 

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New Orleans

I visited New Orleans a few weeks ago. Before continuing, I must note that I had never been there before and can only imagine what Hurricane Katrina did to the city. With that said, it's a shithole. The best thing about it is there's a gas station that sells fried chicken.

I've never seen so many borderline hipster/homeless young people. I honestly couldn't tell the difference between the people who looked shabby because they weren't trying or they were actually destitute.

There was puke on the streets. In fact, the first human I encountered after setting foot in the city was a kid hunched over on the sidewalk. He welcomed me to the area by yakking. That's why they call it Bayou Country. Because when you get drunk and throw up on yourself on Bourbon St., you're going to have to "buy you" some new shoes.

There was a chick in shorts and silver body paint, and nothing else, that I passed in the streets two days in a row. I know it's chill to be "all about that bass" now, but this woman was straight up fat. It wasn't hot there so she was the only one cruising around with no shirt. 

There are promoters/barkers that stand out in the street and try to wrangle tourists to visit their gentlemen's clubs. However, there was nothing gentlemanly about the approach one of these guys was taking. He was yelling across the street about "titties" as families with kids walked by. How dare he take a piece of those poor children's innocence by shouting such vulgar language. He should let them be corrupted the same way all kids will be in the future, by Googling porn on their laptops at age 8.

[punsnroses]

Eating isn't cheating

More than 3,000 students, half of whom were athletes, were part of a cheating scandal at the University of North Carolina that spanned nearly 20 years. The "cheating" label doesn't quite fit because the students allegedly received credits for non-existent classes. They weren't sharing answers or stealing tests from professors. Maybe they didn't get as complete of an education as they should have, but those kids must be smart if they were able to keep this quiet for so long. In the case of the basketball players on full scholarships who had credits thrown at them like jersey chasers after a few Busch Lights, they got what they paid for.

My closest brush with being caught for cheating was when I copied a girl's guess at an extra credit question. Our teacher must have graded those two papers in different sittings because she didn't notice that two people had the same random guess on a question. I noticed my mistake after reviewing my notes right after that test. Waiting the two weeks it took for the professor to grade the test was like waiting for a paternity test to come back. I was as anxious and irritable as an opiate addict going through withdrawal. 

As ashamed as current and past UNC students may be about this scandal, they are likely quick to point out that at least they don't have a pornstar attending their fine university, unlike their chief rival. 

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Notes from the douche nozzle's desk

Halloween should be a national holiday. It’s the one day most Americans are excited about because they don’t have to spend time with fringe relatives that fall asleep while they’re talking about the Ents from the Lord of the Rings, and because nobody believes in the other magic fairy holidays anymore. Holidays are all designed for kids anyway, and children love nothing more than getting candy for dressing up as a Robert Downey Jr. character, such as Iron Man or a charismatic drug addict: a role he played so convincingly in the 90s. 

What happened to that plane that disappeared? Did it land in North Korea and the rest of the world is cool with letting them deal with it since they have a reputation of not playing well with others? We gave up on that plane faster than a runaway stepchild. 

Why is there a movie in theaters about the origin story of a more than 115-year-old character? If it was a good idea, it would have been done before now. Dracula Untold is going to stay that way for me. 

Isn't it peculiar that there are three complementary methods of cleaning teeth (brushing, flossing and rinsing) and most people rely on a bar of soap to clean the rest of their body? Ear, nose and throat doctors need to take a lesson from dentists and start convincing their patients they need hygienic accessories. Every bathroom will have an interdental gum brush and a waxvac. 

Fantasy football should be re-named. If I had a fantasy about football, it wouldn’t consist of me pretending to be a general manager and staring at my computer all day like a nerd. It would involve me and at least two cheerleaders in the owner’s box. Luxury box, that is. 

I’ll close with this message: if Selena Gomez can get rich, there’s hope for all of us.

[punsnroses]

Turkey burglers are stealing my dinner

Someone needs to put their foot down and tell the impostors known as "turkey burgers" to stop riding the coattails of hamburgers. That someone is me. Turkey burgers aren't burgers. You can't just mash up anything, grill it and call it a burger. Turkey needs to stay on its own turf --Thanksgiving and the occasional sandwich. 

You can put ketchup, mustard, barbecue sauce or any other condiment on a grilled turkey patty, but that doesn't mask that it's not ground beef. You can't replace the aroma and juiciness of a well-cooked hamburger. Turkey burgers aren't helped by Turkeys being one of the are dumbest-looking animals. Put it this way: if turkeys were humans, they'd all drive motorcycles.

As for turkey being leaner/more healthy, can't I just eat my hamburger in peace and not be guilt-tripped? It's not as though I'm smoking a pack of cigarettes in a crowded preschool classroom. I'm eating a fucking hamburger. Yes, there are healthier options. No, it's not the multivitamin of animal flesh, but it's delicious, filling and full of protein. Like the boy band 98 degrees, a hamburger isn't top of the line in its category, but you can do a lot worse. You could be eating a dozen doughnuts or listening to the Jonas Brothers. And yes, I'm including the Bonus Jonas in that proposition. 

My mom trying to make me have turkey burgers for dinner has to be a form of bullying, right? I'm making a stand against turkey burgers, even if I stand alone. 

[punsnroses]

The year of beer

I have never drunk a beer that I purchased within my hometown. I felt drunk writing that sentence and deducing whether "drunk" or "drank" was the proper form to use. 

My town was drier than Gene Simmons' hair, save a few restaurants, until about two weeks ago -- when a handful of stores were given the legal right to sell beer and wine.

The reason town officials were so selective in handing our licenses is the same reason selling alcohol was forbidden until recently: to keep the riffraff out. I'm thinking about playing inebriated and causing a ruckus outside a grocery store that's been given sanctuary to sell the firewater, to see if it would cause a backlash against the decision. I'd likely be branded a "non-resident" and thrown out of town. Now that townsfolk have had their lips moistened by the hooch and their gas tanks are fuller because of its proximity, they wouldn't dare go back to the way things were. Unless everyone got dress up like members of the National Prohibition Party in 1920 Then some people might be down. Nothing says temperance like a fresh pair of knickerbockers. 

Excluding the sale of alcohol where I live was a blessing for neighboring towns. Pick a bordering town and just across the line you'll find a liquor store. That's taking love thy neighbor a little too far if you ask me. And when I say love thy neighbor, I'm not talking about the Tyler Perry sitcom. A sitcom which Wikipedia tells me is about, wait for it... a cantankerous old woman who believes in tough love.

[punsnroses]

Same dancing, fewer stars

I've watched many seasons of Dancing With The Stars. It's the only "reality" TV I watch. Popular entertainers are too busy to do the show, so the cast usually consists of nostalgia-driven selections of former stars trying to resurrect their careers, up-and-coming Disney princesses, a geriatric or two and an athlete. That range is enough to a cover all demographics. I'm still thoroughly entertained by the show, but I must admit that the name recognition of the cast has gone downhill.

As Roger Ebert once wrote in a review about Freddy Got Fingered, "This movie (or show in this case) doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels." One of the positive things about the cast is that Lea Thompson looks a lot better than she did in the adult makeup she wore in Back to the Future.

In a cast of attention-seekers, sprinter/bobsledding/Lolo Jones was the biggest glory hound of them all. After poorly executing her first routine, which subsequently made her the season's first elimination, she wrote on Facebook that she: "felt so broken. So unlovable. Embarssed." And that she "wanted to do so good performing in public that the haters would stop teasing me." Maybe she's terrible at dancing. That's fine, suck it up and move on. Spare us the melodrama about being crushed that you couldn't out-dance old pothead Tommy Chong.

Poor Alfonso Ribeiro, he's gone from playing second fiddle to Will Smith to being less famous than the judges and most of the dancers on a show where he's supposed to be the celebrity. 

Sadie Robertson is a celebrity dancer? What, they couldn't book any of the ducks that have been on the show? (There are ducks, right? I've never seen the show).

Dancing With The Stars can't be that bad or else I would have stopped watching. I hope that the show lasts long enough for me to find a way to become famous enough to be on it or they run out of celebrities and call me up. At the rate it's going, the latter option appears to be the safer bet. 

[punsnroses]

Pretzel is the new pumpkin

Every douche with a blog is railing against the over-pumpkinzation of America. It all started with The Nightmare Before Christmas -- which turned pumpkins from gourds that rot on people's front porches for a couple of weeks after Halloween into the misunderstood and overlooked sibling of squash.

Now we have pumpkin beer, pumpkin imitation beverages from everywhere food and drinkstuffs are sold, pumpkin bathroom spray and Pumpkin Spice Hershey's Kisses.

Rarely does someone sit down and pick apart a whole pumpkin and eat it. But consumable goods get jazzed up with pumpkin flavors and labels like celebrity commencement speakers get honorary degrees -- and both are equally hollow. Nobody likes pumpkin on its own, in fact it's probably more hated than Ray Rice. Throwing the pumpkin title onto coffee that's artificially pumpkin-flavored is like changing President Obama's name to Ray Rice for a week to restore Rice's good name to make us forget that he's comfortable knocking his wife out and dragging her lifeless body around a casino. I'll admit that comparison was a stretch, but you know what I mean.

Pumpkin has become an easy target, so I'm channeling my food judgement toward pretzels. Wendy's has pretzel buns and Little Caesar's just came out with a pretzel crust pizza. If I wanted a pretzel I'd go to Auntie Anne's, not a pizza place. Adorning a pizza with a pretzel perimeter is a way of admitting your regular pizza sucks and it interferes with the flavor of the pretzel. Pretzels are cool now, but the next thing you know there will be pretzel-flavored toothpaste and a band of pretzels will be performing onstage at the Super Bowl with Maroon 5. 

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Boner for my thoughts

I know I'm late on this, but the full story of Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and other celebrities having their nude photos leaked can't be written until I share my thoughts. My first and second thoughts upon hearing of this whole fiasco were the same as every other straight male in America. They were: 'that's terrible' and 'where might these pictures be located so I can have a look-see.' If you ignored your curiosity, congratulations. I'm here to let you know that Justin Verlander is a lucky man. In baseball terms, he's Richard Pryor in Brewster's Millions lucky.

As for the moronic and meddlesome minority that threw blame on the women shown in the pictures, either exercise your brains a little more often or permanently shut the fuck up. I kept reading opinions like "What did they expect taking pictures like that and saving them on their phones?" With that logic, victims of carjackings would be liable for leaving their cars unlocked. My nephew farted two inches from my face recently. These social media simpletons would put me at fault for not foreseeing my fate because I was horsing around with an excitable and gassy kid.

To them I say there's nothing wrong with Victoria Justice taking some "sexy" photos during her downtime between dreaming up projects to top her magnum opus, Victorious. Her and the other victims audition to be on TV or in magazines, but they didn't  ask for their private photos to be disseminated for public consumption. The only thing these female celebrities are guilty of is the same thing the majority of women their age are preoccupied with -- trying to look hot in selfies. 

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D'oh

The Simpsons were cool, then it became cool to hate on them and now they're cool again. It's similar to the cycle young adults went through with electronic music and drugs. Getting high and rhythmically convulsing to computerized beats was the thing in the 80s and now it's bigger than Chris Pratt. In the years between then and now, smoking pot and being mellow but also listening to distorted guitars and moshing were somehow simultaneously trendy.

I've been sporadically watching the Every Simpsons Ever Marathon on FXX after having not seen a new episode for roughly ten years and have been surprised to see it hasn't fallen off like I've heard and believed. 

I watched the Simpsons twice every weeknight in my early teen years until I gave up watching the show for Lent one year. Like my friend in college who gave up cigarettes and proceeded to use chewing tobacco for 40 days, I found a replacement for my habit and watched other TV shows instead of The Simpsons and never went back.

If the creative team of the show was worried about declining quality and wanted to go out on top, they would have stopped making the show in 1997 after the "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment" (a.k.a. the Beer Baron episode). That episode had a classic line about drinking and addiction that also accurately described how watching TV interfered with my seventh grade homework load. Homer says, "To alcohol," or in my case, The Simpsons, "The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." 

[punsnroses]

You've got jail

Mark David Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon, was denied parole for the eighth time. I don't know why this is information is being broadcast. He killed someone and admitted it. He belongs in prison and I'm just going to assume that's where he'll stay for the remaining balance of his life. His staying in jail is less newsworthy than John Cougar Mellencamp and Melanie Griffith, I mean Meg Ryan, breaking up. 

Do we need a report every two years just to hear that nothing has changed and Chapman's going to stay in jail? I don't wake up in the morning and jump out the window to see if I gained the ability to fly overnight. No, I continue on as a regular handsome guy, thankful that starring in too many intolerable nineties rom-coms with Tom Hanks didn't drive me to pay someone to butcher my face.

I enjoy the Beatles from time to time in spite of the group's name. For all their hit records and creativity, you'd think they could have managed to come up with a more inventive name. Then again, they did release Yellow Submarine. Nobody's perfect.

One of the only things I hate more than the inane wordplay that is their band name is murder. And Chapman tried to play the crazy card by playing it off like Holden Caulfield told him he should shoot John Lennon. I don't know if Chapman is truly crazy, but the parole board would be if they ever let him out. 

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H20 TKO

Residents in my hometown have been under a boil-water order for the past few days. Town officials urge us to kill off any bacteria prior to drinking tap water, using it to fill water balloons or as means to torture infidels (otherwise known as out-of-towners). 

I was bamboozled by the sudden change in water's reputation. I've been told water is our greatest resource and trusted in its safety for my entire life. Now I'm not allowed to have it. That's like finding out my parents put a hit out on me.

Having mass quantities of drinkable water sent into people's homes is undoubtedly one of the marks of an advanced society that people often take for granted. But -- and remember this water shutdown was a precautionary measure and likely would have had as much of an effect as P Diddy's Vote or Die campaign if it went unnoticed by the water department -- it shows how people panic when forced to fend for themselves. Grocery store shelves were quickly short on bottled water, with residents preparing for the boil-water order to extend into the weekend. Poland Spring really has us by the balls right now. A little E.coli won't do much damage unless you're a baby or geriatric, but old people and kids get laid out by anything.  

[punsnroses]

Ice bucket challenge

The death of Robin Williams and the "Ice Bucket Challenge" to raise money for ALS, have dominated the news for week. And, for a change, the media is focused on noble causes, (curing illness) and not trying to grab ratings with outrageous stunts or conspiracy theories. 

Robin Williams was seriously ill. His symptoms may have differed from those of a physical malady but he needed treatment just the same. Nobody should still believe that depression is something you can simply shake off. The brain is quite delicate. Broken bones (nobody denies the validity of physical injuries) heal, but brain damage generally doesn't. I don't know for certain the physical or emotional condition of Robin Williams' brain before he passed. What I do know is that he was hilarious and a fine actor. It's sad he lived with, and died at least partially as a result of, depression.

A former Boston College baseball player who is living with ALS is credited with popularizing the Ice Bucket Challenge to aid in raising money and spreading the word about the condition. My blog posts are usually full of jokes, but there's nothing about this disease that approaches funny. It kills you from the outside-in, taking away all of your physical abilities until you're in a wheelchair and unable to speak. You remain mentally capable, fully aware of what's happening.

Though the stories of Robin Williams' death and the Ice Bucket Challenge started on opposite paths, one tragic and one uplifting, they ended up on the same constructive path in raising awareness about these brain diseases.

[punsnroses]

Ebola in the USA

A few Americans are being treated for Ebola in the U.S. right now.It reminds me of that movie Outbreak, which was one of two movies my science class watched in junior year. The other was Osmosis Jones -- which was suggested by a student and our teacher had never seen it. Do I need to say it was that teacher's last year before retirement?

The patients flew back to the U.S. and were sectioned off from the flight crew. Imagine knowing that you were on a plane with someone who had Ebola. I would rather be on a plane piloted by Stevie Wonder and co-piloted by Ray Charles. That's bad, because both of them have no flying experience and one is dead.

This Ebola story is blowing up in the U.S. because until now no American hospitals had ever cared for patients with the virus. If this were a movie, Rene Russo, Dustin Hoffman and Osmosis Jones would quarantine all the infected patients and have them cured within a week. But you can't trust everything you see in movies because they try to make you believe outrageous things -- like Matt Damon being handsome. His eyes, nose and mouth are way too close together for me to ever get on board with that notion. His face is all forehead and chin.