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I’ve basically stopped, and hoping to completely stop, genderblogging – any thoughts I share on this sideblog aren’t for circulation, they’re just me letting off steam. that’s why they’d be on this sideblog, not the main.

I mean, radical feminism had me at first, because I am a woman fucked over by men throughout my life.

my feelings now: radical feminism shoots themselves in the foot by being obsessed with upholding this socio-political class/ID of Big Rapist Misogynist Aggressive Trann*es, and insisting they represent every transwoman– insisting every transwoman is responsible for their “community (of the Big Rapist Misogynist etc)”, when the very accused is fucking lonely, isolated, never had any semblance of community or solidarity from most of their “LGBT peers”, spends every waking moment questioning their right to exist. and you’ve managed to wreck the psyche of an already fragile individual, while men as a socio-political class still roam the streets and batter women. hooray. liberation.

I mean, for fuck’s sake, you have heterosexual radfems dating full-fledged hetero men, and that is defendable but the mere existence of marginalised, dysphoric, systematically humiliated and harassed gnc fraction of the population isn’t? 

radfems scream about Big Scary Trans infiltrating women’s spaces, and while that is a real phenomenon I’ve seen with my own two eyes, they think it’s somehow productive or ethical to batter over the head anyone who they consider to be AMAB GNC people? like, a distraught, lonely transwoman blogs in private about their misery, then radfemblr circulates it foaming at the mouth at how fucking ENTITLED and MALE-SOCIALISED AGGRESSIVE these ppl are. don’t go digging around personal blog posts then? like maybe you’re the one with no boundaries, because you don’t believe these are people with real feelings, difficulties, circumstances, and instead you consider them a symbolic pawn for your politics? and if they answer your anon hate, they’re really aggressive and scary, right? and if they delete your anon hate, they’re woman-haters who refuses to listen, right?

radfems manage to think about socialisation for eons without ever discussing  how a GNC/trans upbringing may force a different kind of socialisation from that of a straight, gender conforming boy.

a racialised man in a sweatshop is clearly oppressing the middle class woman buying the handbag he made for 1000x his wage.

but whatever– I’m just a helpless damsel brainwashed by aggressive, entitled AMABs I guess.

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feeling sad/mad about unavailable "best friends" then also reckoning with the fact that I too am an unavailable "best friend"

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damn I'm so excited to see my gf tomorrow

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Amatia's mum is in London for the day, inbetween her meetings w had lunch and coffee together. I love spending time the three of us :')

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depressive episodes are certainly better without the emotional hell, but still annoying that I can barely get out of bed. I just feel no energy or motivation to like... stand up, even.

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peperoncino with sugar snap peas. listening to Nina Simone. I'll be alright!

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thank you everyone for your kind messages. I love you all. I was catastrophising and angry in the moment, but im better now.

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in other news I wanna kiss my gf

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I know it's not entirely about me being not-straight; my mom didn't want to acknowledge my ivy league american chinese ex boyfriend of 3 years was anything serious, because she feels threatened by anyone I'm close to, anyone I prefer spending time with over her. if you can't accept your children for the adults they grow into, don't have children. get a fucking dog.

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she's out now and I'm leaving her place. wrote a friendly message pretending I needed to go home to clean and get some work done and I feel like a fucking coward, doing injustice to my partner too, just fucking lying about my life. if this is what being out is, if it's no different materially from being in the closet, and emotionally worse, if I knew this, I would have never told her shit

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coming out just isolated me more. mom refuses to talk about my love life. gf feels left out. we're not better than before. mom wants to spend time with me but doesn't want to hear about the most important person in my life. I feel guilty if I spend time with her, guilty if I don't. I feel so lonely. why did it have to be like this. what do they want LGBTs to do: live silent and celibate, and still love them?

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@reliquariies oh shit!!! that's a really really good idea actually! thank you!

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these days ive been describing my political/emotiona/intellectual growth as bouncing between two trampolines: reaching the extreme gives me the momentum to leave it, to propel to the other extreme, until speed is gradually diminished and i reach a midpoint. the kind of midpoint that’s not tepid, a midpoint that’s not liberal, but a bruised, formed midpoint, greater than the sum of two parts.

I’d reached peak libfem years ago; recently I’d reached peak radfem. I dismiss TERF-hunting but now I believe there are pockets of transphobia shrowded in guise of non-essentialist (lol jokes) radial (lol jokes) feminism. my peak radfem came when the existence of late-transitioning, rapist autogynophilic males were used to condemn every single amab individual who pursue medical transition. dysphoric to your male anatomy? you might as well be a rapist. in “radicalism” where theresa may is a helpless damsel, anything goes i guess. there are no more individuals; only symbols whose sole existence should be for a political martyrdom.

I learned things I never thought I would being the cis-girlfriend of a trans-girlfriend with politics as nuanced as hers. I want to write about it, in the near future. I want to write an essay. I want to somehow turn the table, to take those voyeuristic, condescending, self-serving eyes and say, no, you listen to us. us. not a fucking political pawn, not the object your therapist told you to use as catharsis, but two people.

don’t know who’d be worthy readers tho. I know no matter what I write it’ll get passed to misogynists/transphobes/just fucked up people full of hate, at some point. that’s what this site is, really.

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[sighs] signed up for a music + poetry collab workshop, am in it now, today and tomorrow. it's not good—all the wishy-washiness I hate about arts&hum are present, in organisation, content and quality. I wish I was at home writing my own music instead. I also find it hard, especially today, to be around people—feel a bit low, but also just annoyed at the low quality of poetry we're working with, and I sheepishly but unyieldingly am having lunch alone, I can't make smalltalk right now. I feel like a child when I do this. but better to have an hour of downtime before diving back into this for the next four and a half hours.

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my hard drive

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lmao "I came out to mom and it went okay" never fucking mind. she's not okay with it. fuck this. she also wants me to move out of her flat and she's convinced I'll be able to pay London rent after I graduate so what's the big deal. because she's never had to pay rent or look for a job in the last three decades. she thinks I'm just being lazy/head in the clouds. I'm the only one in my family who doesn't spend money shopping or eating out and save as much as I can. fuck this.