I’ve been sitting with the fact that I feel like nobody truly knows or understands me better than I know myself, and I don’t mean that in a bitter, you-should-know-damn-well-who-I-am way, but more of a realization of how consciously choosing to be more reserved about parts of my life have changed.
I used to let the whole world know who I was and what I was about, and I was loud about it—which was healing in a way after growing up being silenced and shamed for who I was at home by my first bully (my mom lol). But it’s also kind of embarrassing because why was I parading my business around like that 😭
Now that my Saturn return is coming to an end and just with getting older, I’ve felt less inclined to share everything with anyone, but almost to the point where I feel like my closest friends don’t know me anymore, and still speak in the present of the ghosts of me: the past versions of me that I no longer identify with.
I’m still unsure how I feel about that. On one hand, I probably should be the one who knows me best, and I don’t need everyone to know anything about me, so that’s good. I have developed a strong sense of self without needing the outside validation. On the other hand, it feels good to feel seen at times. But by who, exactly? And why? And what parts of me feel unseen that I’d like acknowledged?
And I’m still trying to figure out whether me feeling unseen feels isolating or not, and if my core need is connection. And then I wonder if I’ve really made the effort to see other people for who they are now or if I still hold on to past versions of them too.
As I’ve been going through what feels like a private, spiritual solo journey, I’ve also felt like I’ve outgrown a number of friendships. Again, not in a holier-than-thou way, but in an objective way. I no longer hold some of the same values as I once did when I connected with xyz friend, so I am less inclined to be around them, and maybe it’s mutual, no one is at fault, and that’s life sometimes. But it still feels sad at times because I don’t like losing friends, but over time I’ve learned it’s necessary to move on when the connections aren’t healthy anymore.
Also just in a period of life where everyone around me seems to be making big, conventional, life decisions. And of course it’s made me think about whether I want those things (getting married, buying a house, having children) myself, but my preliminary conclusion is that I am too much of an aquarius to really desire any of those things, and I don’t desire any of those things as it is. I’m also not 100% opposed to it if I decide I eventually want those things for myself LOL. But I just know I’m not interested in the industry of marriage or being house poor. I am not one to be pressured by or intimidated by what people around me have. I am genuinely happy for whatever makes others happy. I’m also not immune to knowing I might be judged for being the odd one out. But a true friend who was secure with themselves wouldn’t judge me for that. Typical aquarius plight lol, it’s canon, I guess.
