You see, it's because he laughed. He laughed, and I fell in love. He smiled, and my heart found new vessels to pump into, beating faster. He sat next to me, and I died a thousand deaths. He looked into my eyes, and I discovered new dimensions. He listened carefully to my words, and I created a new language.
Because I'm falling in love with him all over again. Each of the rare days that we spend in each other's company makes my heart only heavier with love and sorrow. Love for all he is to me, sorrow for the fact that we will probably never meet again. I can pretend that messages and letters (though neither of us are good with those) will hold us through years of absence, but it is nothing compared to sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, under the merciful shade, as we have done for the last 4 years.
I wish. I wish I had the courage. But even I realize how completely fruitless it would be to possibly ruin my beautiful friendship - one where he confides freely in me and I him, one where he can put our hands around each other without a second thought, one where words flow so easily even if others may gawk at the same - for a slight chance at hopeless love.
I wish. I wish so many reasons did not doom me to only hoping with all my heart that he would've been my first for many experiences, instead of simply pining from the corner of my lonely soul forevermore.
I wish. I wish he was not leaving in just a few days and that this dreaded feeling of loss was not so prevalent because, in his own words: we may yet meet again, life takes you places even if you reside in different halves of this dying world.
I know. I know I will never forget this love of mine. I will never look back with regret or embarrassment on what I feel for him because the only thing there is to gaze at here is beauty unfound. No matter what my past was, I deem this my first love. I will hold him proudly in my heart as he holds my hand on happy days.
