I pretend to enjoy this abnormality of mine, but really, I can see how it will give me a disadvantage in life, and I wish I could get rid of it, but it’s a part of me now.
Im sure once I really become and adult I will never be taken seriously, of course its natural people will prefer someone more stable, more normal in every way. Doesn’t help I chose a field where everything will determine how you get treated. How you dress, act, what’s your gender, if you’re easy to fit in the system, if you can close your eyes at its flaws, and the mistreatment.
I haven’t even reached my 20s yet, but I can see what my life will look like, it’s like I’ll never get a chance to truly live. Now I’m preparing for getting into med school, in years 1-3 of it it will be hell and I’ll only study, on years 4-6 the studying may be easier, but I’ll be busy making a name for myself in such a competitive field. Once I establish a career, it’s probably the only thing that’ll be important to me. And I don’t even know how successful I’ll be, will I be living the life I want to? Become the person I’m striving to become? I don’t know if all this will be worth it in the end. And then my life will be over.
What about hanging out with friends that actually share your interests? Wearing cute frilly outfits with lace and such and going out in them and wearing them all the time? What about actually developing a story for my OCs? Going to artists alleys as an artist, selling merch, building a fan base who enjoy the stuff I make? Customizing my appearance like a character in a video game however I want? All these things seem shallow, but to me it’s just part of life, the life I may not have.
it’s like I’ll never have the time to do these things, and if I do, they’ll be frowned upon if I actually get a position in medicine, I’ll probably be expected to be a full grown adult and only enjoy adult normal stuff
I comfort myself with the idea that if I do get in a good position, I’ll make a lot of money and have the cute life I always wanted, but the good payment is what my parents promised, and I trust them with my life decisions, but again and again I realize they can be very irrational, so I don’t even know what’s gonna happen. I can’t see what’s ahead of me, but it all seems so tiring. I may have pretty shallow and selfish wishes for someone who is gonna treat people, but I really do have more bigger wishes like actually helping people, making them happy, making some kind of change. But I just feel like this life with nothing but normalcy and fairness will slowly crush me. It’s like this world isn’t for me
