Welcome To My Misted Twind

I don't even know anymore don't ask me why this stuff is funny

[paininmyassachusetts]

A hitman who advertises his services the way a commission artist does

[paininmyassachusetts]

“Um hey guys. I’ve been hit pretty hard with financial difficulty lately. I’d really appreciate it if you’d consider commissioning me.”

[the-mighty-birdy-deactivated202]

Stabbings: $45

Gunshots: $100

Poisonings: $200

Thanks you guys please share if you can!  ❤️❤️❤️

[rabbits-of-negative-euphoria]

Commissions I will NOT take:

👎 Kids (Teens are fine tho)

👎 Bystanders

👎 Other Hitmen

If you want to know why, message me, but otherwise no hate pls ✨

[jelloapocalypse]

hey guys, normally i try to keep drama off of my blog but this is really important. I just wanted to let you know that someone named WetWorkKing05 has been taking credit for MY kills over on redbloodle.com and is making money off of my hard work. When I messaged him directly he blocked me and threatened to kill ME >_> I’ve tried talking with the mods about getting his account taken down, but redbloodle has NO policy for this and they are no help at all. i don’t know what to do??

PLS signal boost if you can! And in the meantime, if you need somebody killed, do NOT hire WetWorkKing05! he is a THIEF!

[jelloapocalypse]

repeat after me:

MURDER 👏 THEFT 👏 IS 👏 A 👏 WORSE 👏 CRIME 👏 THAN 👏 REGULAR  👏 MURDER  👏

[uncklerman]

Credits to the murderer

[vashito]

“Why are your prices so high???? I could kill him myself for free! whatever, ur not even that good at murder anyway”

[alertmode]

Emergency Murder Slots available!

First Person - $450, additional bodies add $375 each

(Basically a steal still my normal rate is $650. Cmon guys it’s $200 off!)

Serious inquiries only. EXPOSURE IS NOT A CURRENCY!

[klubbhead]

Guys please support all these hardworking Individuals!

Good hitmen are hard to find so it’s up to us to raise awareness!!!!

[slumberinggirl-deactivated20210]

Omg I love this guy’s work! He’s new and not so well known in the hitman community, but he’s so amazing and is appreciate it if you guys have him some love ❤️❤️

[thatquietkid108]

Support your local assassins

[helloareyouheremdfan]

”um why would I pay a hitmen would I could just steal military ai and have it kill anyone I want for free”

[shr00mie-rat]

Ai military robots can not murder like real hit men, they’re messy and lack the spirit that involves murder

[cliodevotus]

I’m never leaving this fucking app.

[pleasestopthese]

this is a no murderbot blog. please let me know if i accidentally boost a murderbot. they really need to start automatically labeling murderbot kills so people don’t spread them accidentally. support real hitmen!

[noccolibroccoli]

So I had a hysterectomy today (hooray!) and I brought along my stuffed orca, Shamu, as a comfort object. And everyone i interacted with during my pre-op was like "Oh! Who's this?" so I was telling them all about him, how he's been with me since I was 9 and gone on every single vacation and road trip, and they were telling me about their own stuffed buddies (one lady said she still has hers after 40 years!) and all of this while I was signing consent forms and providing a list of the things I'd brought with me, you know, small talk.

So then a nurse comes over and goes "Okay, I've got some stickers I'll put on your things so we know they're yours" and I'm like "OK cool" so she puts a sticker on my coat and stickers on my bags of clothes and then she turns to Shamu and I'm like "oh I guess he gets a sticker too"

But no. She pulls out a hospital bracelet that's an exact copy of mine and slaps it on his tail, like so:

And i was delighted by this, so I took a picture to send to my friends, who were equally delighted, and were cracking me up with their reactions (like so:)

Anyway, they take me back and put me under, and when I awake groggily a few hours later it takes me a minute to get my bearings, so I don't notice Shamu at first. But then I realize he's tucked up next to me in the gurney, so I grab him, and my hand touches gauze.

And I'm like "huh?" so I look at him and I realize

They gave my fucking orca a hysterectomy

[professorwetware]

Only surprising if you don't know what Nurses are like.

[unlimited-nobu-works]

the floating head of wisdom

[toe-fingerman]

Please don't fall victim to internet misinformation. There is no floating head. It's a regular horse, it's neck is just hidden due to the position of the camera. I made an image to help you understand the what's actually going on.

[jame7t]

Jesus came back and said inflation is illegal

[nongunktional]

both kinds?

[jame7t]

…there’s two?

[horse-is-a-horse-of-course]

hang on let me google something real quick

[horse-is-a-horse-of-course]

we should all implode and die forever actually

[ajani]

[heyniceworkasshole]

[heyniceworkasshole]

[muckmagister]

[oneheadtoanother]

[targetedknowledge]

[scoes]

Grace is one of the most classic things to fall from

[scoes]

That and the monkey barrrsssss

[toriel-2]

the quick brown fox lowkey mogs the lazy dog

[beiph]

The quick brown fox just low-key vibe mogged the lazy chopped dog

[miles-tails-prowers-crotch]

The quickpilled brown fox vibemogs lazy chud dogcel by jumpmaxxing

[reallyreallyreallytrying]

(eating a pill i found on the floor of the club bathroom) hope it's a placebo. i don't need any effects right now

[porcelain-dollbones]

you would think nebet would be more interested in the nintendo switch. but for her, tubes is just like video games

[sirobvious]

stick of dynamite

[shencomix]

[shencomix]

[shencomix]

[re-nyyght]

@evilwizard is this your side gig?

[evilwizard]

it’s inspirational

[dogpuppy]

[mono-red-menace]

[dragongirlsweetie]

boss makes a spider i make a slime. that's why i . thas why, tthats why i uhhh. t. thawhy

[dragongirlsweetie]

t.gats why i can't think up an end to the rhyme

[evilwizard]

GET BACK TO WORK

[asksloyxp]

Maybe if I just work harder, this empty cup will pour again

[shinyrock6498]

Maybe the cup needs a bit of time to rest and refill?

[asksloyxp]

Maybe the cup needs to lock the fuck in???

[hungwy]

i really love playing video games

[mariokartwii]

which games :)

[mariokartwii]

which video games op :)

[mariokartwii]

which games haha... :)

[hungwy]

I'm so sorry

[prguitarman]

Thank you Artemis II for the pretty moon photos

[prguitarman]

Official NASA??