Purple Turtle

Random thoughts and mood for the day.

[danismilek]

[purpleturtlenotes]

Saw this tonight in my for you and I am baffled with this kind of situation. The mere fact that this was thought of, parang ang hirap magsabi na ay baka overthinker lang 'yung nagpost or baka hindi siya emotionally stable or whatnot.

But let's take it from a different perspective. First thought that came into mind is that, if you are already in a relationship,

"Paanong magkakaroon ng mas higit pa sa current partner mo?"

Hindi ba dapat 'yung current partner mo ay mas higit pa sa sapat na? Hindi ba dapat ganun 'yun? O baka ako lang nag-iisip. But then again, bakit nga ba naiisip ng mga tao 'yung ganitong klaseng mga what ifs?

They are probably one of the following:

Not satisfied with their current relationship.

Not really appreciated by their partner enough for them to feel loved and enough, more than enough even.

Not really happy with the current relationship.

One of them are already falling out of love with the other but just not courageous enough to admit it to the other.

You have already found someone else.

Just a thought for tonight.

[purpleturtlenotes]

Well, that was a surprise. A truly surprising encounter with no other way to reach out to ask how you are? what are you currently doing? Based on your facial reaction, you were also surprised in seeing me that day. Was this a way where fate was trying to tell us, it's time for you to reach out again and there might be a need for it to happen again? Or was it just fate testing the waters with both of us?

What was I feeling that time? I was happy, excited, and truly surprised to see you that day. Did I wish to talk to you? Yes. A definite, yes. It felt like I was seeing an old face from the past which felt comfortable and familiar somehow. I am with someone right now and truly happy. But why do I feel like I need to speak to you and know how you are. How the hell are you anyway? You're already a nobody a certain no one who I should not be wasting any more of my time with. But maybe the feeling of seeing something or someone familiar brought me back to the past and gave me thoughts of the hundreds and millions of "What ifs" in my head again. Were you really that impactful in my past life? Probably. Why? probably because you were someone who I was not able to get the most time of. I was not able to test the waters with you. I was not able to get my closure as well. As I was left alone with more questions that I could ever thought I could ask myself.

Would I be able to see you again? I wish but I am not that hopeful. Why? I wouldn't want things to be complicated. You were the one who ended things anyway. Even though I am dying to get my closure and to get answers to my whys, I couldn't and wouldn't be able to get them. I'm sure of it. No, you made sure of it. All I wanted to know was, was I ever that important to you? Why did you leave me without telling me the reason? Was the reason me? or was it someone else or something else? With my overthinking head, the only thing I could think of is all these scenarios where they might, or they might not have happened to end things in my head.

I know I shouldn't. But I wanted to. Is this something wrong to ask? was this something I should not be thinking of? Is this clouding my judgement or giving me other emotions about my current situation? No. Will this change any decisions I would be making in my future? No. I don't think so.

I just wanted to move on with my life and close this chapter finally. How could I not even have that? How selfish of you. I wish I could just erase your face in my head and just move on from there. How I wish.

[purpleturtlenotes]

Today, I wanted to ask for your plans about your future, our future together, but I stopped myself from asking. No because I was afraid of your answer but it was more of being afraid of how would I react to your answer. Would I be disappointed with you? With myself? Was I really rushing things or is this just normal? Who do I even ask? No one. I am all alone in this mqtter, in this thought prcoess. Even though I would love to include you, I'm already second guessing myself because honestly, your answers of "Let's see." Or "We'll see." Or "hopefully." Doesn't really answer any of my questions anymore, it more of leads to so many questions in my head.

At first, it was funny, it was okay. But as time passes by, it becomes repetitive and tiring to hear. It seems like you have no plans at all or you don't want to plan at all. But if that's the case, it would be better to be said out loud. If I ask, it would be much more appreciated if you'd asnwer with a direct yes or no or I don't have plans or I have plans or I don't want to think about it or I don't want to plan. It's much easier to grasp what's on your mind, what you're thinking.

Is that still too much to ask? Am I ruining the mood? The situation?

[naturaekos]

“You don’t have to explain your dreams, they belong to you.”

—

[naturaekos]

“You are your own best friend. Never, ever, put yourself down.”

—

[purpleturtlenotes]

Self note.

[naturaekos]

“Self-worth is so vital to your happiness. If you don’t feel good about you, it’s hard to feel good about anything else.”

—

[purpleturtlenotes]

... and you start to doubt yourself in the process.

[purpleturtlenotes]

"The walls I've built in the past are slowly breaking down."

[purpleturtlenotes]

"I want to plan things with you. But I also don't want to pressure you on things."

"Like what plans?" He asked.

"I haven't thought about any plans as I haven't really talked with you about anything."

"Soon!!" He replied.

What else could I even reply to this? "How soon?" Or "what do you mean 'soon'?". I guess it opened to a whole new world of questions to think about and find some answers to. But all I could answer was, "Oh oki oki. Just let me know if want to talk about things already."

I couldn't even ask. I don't dare ask. Why?

1. I don't want any pressure on anyone.

2. If there is a surprise somewhere along the way, I don't want to spoil it and ruin it for myself.

So, I wkn't ask. But curious me? I am dying to know what he meant when he said "soon" as it can mean so many things. And these things are just popping up and piling in my head that I need to put a big read stop button in my head just to stop all operations going in there. That's how chaotic things are in this brain of mine. Not to mention the emotions piling up for each scenario and answer my brains has come up with.

I just hope that "soon" meant something sooner that I brain could ever calculate.

[purpleturtlenotes]

Dreamt of you today

Today, I had the most amazing sleep I had after 2 weeks of stress with workjng and thinking about the business and the other things that keeps on bugging me even though I don't intend to think about them that much. Why? They are that bothersome and leaves quite an impression in my head that's hard for me to forget.

In truth, I am already happy with where I am today and with who I am with. But it seems like tonight, I am visited by a past I honestly keep on forgetting? Why? Probably not to open anymore scars or wounds that are already closed. Have we kept being friends? I don't think we have. We don't have any reason to be friends anymore. I didn't want to talk or even have catch up sessions with the past. In short, I was running from the past as if I did a crime that I am trying to get away with. Maybe, I did a crime. Ghosting probably? I might as well admit to a crime I am not at all proud that I did in the past. I was young, naive, and don't have any idea of what was happening or how to deal with what's happening. So back then, the best thing for me to do was look back, go back to where I came from, and never return. Did I regret any of it? No. Not really.

When I grew up and finally understood what was happening, I felt bad and couldn't really face the past with an open mind and an open heart. Not until I see that the past has moved on and happy. I sincerely wished the past was happy with the present with no bad memories from the past and just consider them as events that happend in the past, no good or bad memories, just the past experience.

But today, I dreamt of the past. We were happy spending some time together from the past. It's like the past but it seemed so real in the present, that dream. We were still connecting with people from the past with no past bad experiences. Just pure happiness.

And the dream ended. I knew instantly that what I saw and experienced was just a dream. I woke up wanting to send a message to the past to know that the past is just okay but stopped myself from doing so and believed that the past is okay and is doing well.

I honestly wish the past the best because the past deserves to be happy.