Pussy Rant

I write, I vent, I express my inner demons to you..

[pussyrant]

Stitches

The last few months

I was stuck in a manic episode

Of lust that did not serve me

Drowning in my own outpour

For someone who took took took

While I screamed to be seen seen seen

Buried in debt

Buried in tears

Buried in my own shame

I finally came up for air

When the lies started to rise to the surface

My intuition breaking through the walls of lust that rose colored my vision.

Love bombing

Gaslighting

Manipulation

The perfect 3 course meal for a narcissist

Who clawed their knives

so deep in my heart

I was left internally bleeding

The question I keep asking myself

What did I gain from this experience?

Wisdom and stitches

[pussyrant]

V Day

You are love

You are a divine being

Hand picked to be on this earth

For a purpose

Big or small

Your impact is grand and pure

You are love

Regardless of who fills your cup

[pussyrant]

An Open Letter

To My One True Love,

I write to you again.

A year went by that I neglected you.

I turned a blind eye thinking it was for the best. I hid behind the writings in my notes, reading between the lines, avoiding the only person who has ever been honest with me.

But nothing quite felt the same when i wasn't writing directly to you, for you, for us.

Everyone believed.

Pushing and supporting. Still seeing a version of me that I no longer believed.

Today I reminded myself. Decided to finally write this overdue letter. Then I realized I've been here before. We've been here before. I scrolled through the pages, through the memories, through the years looking for the original. The toxic ups and downs I put us through.

Reminding myself that you are and have always been my greatest love. The years have gone by and once again, lovers have come and gone.The pain I have endured and the flames I have ignited, so I can only be discarded.

When all along you have been patiently waiting.

You have always remained consistently through the ups and downs. Through the manic episodes of E U P H O R I A, through the spiraling benders, through the moments I simply wanted to walk away from it all.

My eternal promise remains the same, when time has gone by and I forget myself .

Once all is set and done, when years have gone, I can always count on our love to carry me on. So here’s to the years ahead, when our skin is ready to shed, learning from our regrets, lying on our death bed. I reassure you that this love will never cease to exist .

Sincerely,

Your greatest love…inner-self.

[pussyrant]

Give me a paper and pen and I’ll tell you the parts that make me, me.

[pussyrant]

God's Gift

Baby, I'm rich

The energy that

flows through me

is my currency

Elevated at the

highest frequency

I levitate

Soaring above and beyond

reaching levels

past this divine order

I'm heaven in hiding

I'm a living God planted on Earth

I'm God's gift to this universe.

[pussyrant]

Back to Basics

It’s almost 10 years that I started this page.

Sometimes I don’t even recognize the girl who began all of this . It’s funny to think Pussyrant really is just a memoir of my 20s.

Originally, this all started merely out of fun, inspired by boobs and loubs (iykyk) Convincing myself that I could do that, I could story tell my life. All I needed was me, myself and I.

As soon as the voyage began, the plan of course shifted as an outlet to cope with my then break up. But within that healing, love found me. That adventure quickly changed my style of writing. Evolving through inspiration, through flirtatious games, through another’s point of style.

Then life got comfortable.

Time went on and I only revisited this platform through times of pain and anger. I felt it was the only way I could be seen, that I could be heard.

Slowly but surely I resented what this page symbolized.

I was no longer the girl who could story tell about a blazer that smelled like onions. I was no longer the girl who could freely write without having to study every line to make sure it rhymed.

I became a girl writing to someone rather than for myself.

Now I lie awake in the middle of the night writing my rants in my head that never reach the pen. Telling myself I’ll start the next morning, the next day, the next week, the next year?

[pussyrant]

Archives (reworked)

Once upon a time a lost boy found their shadow

Biting into forbidden fruit that froze time

Crossing state lines to become a wife

To only become...

A forgotten character in a storyline

a ghost in a fairy tale

a distant memory that lies in your archives

[pussyrant]

Never thought I see the day

A place in time where we no longer exist

Where our paths no longer meet

And our hearts no longer yearn

Hope makes you believe in fairy tales and happy endings

Hope made me believe that a 4 letter word was enough to bring us back together

That we would be forever

There’s a place in time

Where we do exist

Where our paths meet

And our hearts yearn for each other

But that place is nor here or now

And I stand alone with no hope in time

[pussyrant]

Hitting rock bottom

Is like free falling

No one’s going to catch you

[pussyrant]

2022

2022 seems to be the second year of a new relationship. 

You’re either going to make it or break it. 

2021 was the beautiful honeymoon stage of beauty and life

the rose colored glasses suddenly were wiped clean and the true nature of what hides beneath makes its way to the surface. 

I found myself being in love with someone who no longer wants to be with me.

 I lost a best friend without explanation besides just dropping me. 

Instagram and Snapchat constantly remind of memories that I wish I could just delete because the heartbreak...

 is.. just...unbearable. 

The rhythm of words that I once found solace in completely stopped 

because the pain made my mind and my spirit completely numb. 

Angry outbursts find me at my most vulnerable times 

Yet the ones I would go to

I can no longer confide. 

i find myself holding back from flourishing new connections because I’ve been let down so many times. 

The comical thing of it all is everyone thinks i’m doing just fine. 

Curated collections of photos and videos put out into the world on my accord. 

But if I disappeared how would anyone know?

So I’m just trying to find my way back to the girl who started writing out of heartbreak.

And hopefully she finds me. 

[pussyrant]

Me, Myself and I

a new beginning

a new place

a place to heal

to love

to self love

to learn

to grow

to dance

to feel free

to feel alive 

within myself

by myself

[pussyrant]

The Ugly Truth.

We’re like 2 strangers who decided to live together.

The weight on my shoulders feel heavier than ever. 

My legs ready to snap because I can’t hold up the weight, 

I just want to scream on the edge of a cliff

and just drift away.

I came in optimistic 

but I could feel the energy shift. 

Constantly hearing about your woes 

and I just want us to glow from within. 

Are we overthinking and not living?

Letting this addictive toxicity consume us

I see our boys and feel they are a metaphor for our situation

one asking for love and attention

the other on the fine line of being passive aggressive 

And you nitpicked at the word “ours” and that might just be the underlying problem.

Separated but no longer separate

-still separated

[pussyrant]

2020

Was the backslap i didn’t know I needed to have

You have awakened a part of me that I thought I mourned long ago

You took me by the arms and threw me out to fend for myself

Emerging like a Phoenix from her ashes

[pussyrant]

senses

The bodies of work come quietly knocking at my door

So faint like the wind is beating against my drum

The stale taste of words on my tongue

And I turn with a blind eye from my own cry

[pussyrant]

Eyes Open

When my eyes are open

I see a strong beautiful brown eyed woman

with warm tones radiating like the sun

a natural being with curls

wild and free

every strand 

perfectly imperfect

with stories to tell. 

when my eyes are closed

I hide in the dark

pulling at the roots of my scalp

knees to my chest in a protective shield  

repelled by the fact I shared too much. 

But I was protecting you

And that’s when I realized i needed to protect myself

[pussyrant]

The Gift Shop

Along the way,

I have lost self assurance

not self esteem.

Questioning the things that I want

and not what I need.

What is it that I want

if it’s not needed to be heard.

The silent screams fall to deaf ears,

collected like little souvenirs.

[pussyrant]

Hey, Friend.

There’s a lot of pressure when souls intertwine

Two divine beings that find each other in the midst of time

And it comes around every so often

You find yourself praying it doesn’t go rotten.

I’m not the affectionate type

And I’m not the vocal type

But only if they knew I’m the love deep type

That my world would turn upside down if these platonic relationships came to an end

Because behind this cold hard exterior

my interior is an abstract mess.

But

I’m ready to confess

that I constantly

play

and replay

calculations and

over analyzations

of our conversations in my head.

Was I

overbearing

Was I

t o o       d i s t a n t

Was I

OVER speaking

Or did I

miss the mark

Or should I

have stayed in the dark

So the questions keep repeating

Was I a good friend?

Am I a good friend?

Will I be a good friend?