{ c l a r i s o n u s }

indie RP blog for Penn Jillette from the duo act Penn & Teller. No relation to the actual Penn Jillette.|| Tracking: pxnnjillette || UTC +02:00 || Please read the rules||

[pxnnjillette-blog]

ooc|| thinking of abandoning this account but it might be because i want to rp my alien character more than anything and that scratch has an important meaning to me. While Penn is just something i enjoyed for a while back in the day... I guess my muse died... idk. besides i never really feel comfortable with this and i certainly don’t feel wanted around here. i’ll think about it. 

[nxtureiisms]

“I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”

Mitch Hedberg Sentence Starters || link

Penn Jillette used confuse! It was very effective.

“How does that even…?? What?”

[nxtureiisms]

He smiled at his friend as he continued to walk, “Well I’m looking for a meat.” He stopped walking, reaching into his pocket to grab something. Pulling out a small notepad, and a pencil he flipping some pages before coming across a blank one. His tongue stuck out just a little bit as he wrote on it, before tearing it off the notepad and handing it Penn. “You’re going to look for this stuff, okay?” The list was simple, and hopefully the store had what Penn was to search for:

Lettuce Tomato Shredded Cheddar Cheese Bacon Bits Green Onion White Onion Cucumber Broccoli Extra Virgin Olive Oil Red Wine Vinegar.

[pxnnjillette-blog]

With a nod, Penn grabs the paper and rushes off to look for the ingredients. Luckily, he is able to find most of them except for the red vine vinegar. A good 10 minutes had passed. Disappointing, but with everything he needs.... well, almost-- he returns to Skippy and smirks. 

“Okay, buddy, what’s next?” He begins but then feels a need to add, “I don’t have the vinegar, though...”

[pxnnjillette-blog]

[ text ]: It’s really depressing that I’m an adult and I just threw up on myself because I was too warm. I’m not even drunk.

[text to: baby] Yikes![text to: baby] Do you want me to take you to a doctor or something?[text to: baby] If you do, please take a shower before I come over. 

[nxtureiisms]

The witch is pouting, he was actually enjoying the pillow resting nicely on his face. Though, he was still slightly smiling at the fact that he had gotten Penn to chuckle. His little I’m dead now sentence seemed to work. He wants to tell Penn, so he does. Except, he doesn’t want to look at Penn while he  talks; So his arm resting over his eyes as he begins to speak. “When I was younger I got sick a lot, and as I got older I stopped getting sick. Haven’t been sick in years, and the last person I remember being sick…Died. So I’m just scared I suppose.” He’s terrified. He of course leaves out the information that the last person happened to be his mother.

[pxnnjillette-blog]

“Oh, man...” Penn mutters in his usual way. Sighing slightly and then turning away from Skippy. “I’m sorry... That’s horrible.” He explains as if it wasn’t obvious. “But you shouldn’t worry, it’s just the common fever. You’ll be fine and dandy soon enough.” He then offers, trying to sound cheerful despite how much the other had brought him down. 

[nxtureiisms]

After All These Years [Closed]

[buggs-and-rudy-discount-co-blog]

It was disconcerting to hear your own voice in your head without actually thinking the thoughts.  Teller couldn’t get around what was happening long enough to understand what Skippy was actually saying until the mention of murder. It annoyed him that, even now, Skippy wasn’t being upfront with them about what he was really doing there. He could see it was distressing Penn just as much to have Skippy’s thoughts invading his brain–not to mention the idea of murder–and he wondered if the connection was a two way thing. If they could hear Skippy, could Skippy hear them? 

Stop! Teller concentrated all his energy on the single word, glaring daggers at the witch as if staring him down would amplify the thought. 

[nxtureiisms]

Truth be told, the witch found Penn’s words amusing. Even after reading the words I’m a Witch on a piece of paper, he still managed to even ask how he was doing this? Clearly, real magic just didn’t seem like a concept that Penn could grasp. However, it isn’t until he hears his own voice inside his head, or rather, Teller’s. It startles him, and eyes gaze shoots toward Teller. He knows Penn couldn’t have heard that, he doesn’t have it to where they can hear each other mentally. It would make him weak, and he didn’t want to possibly collapse in front of people he just re-met.

The daggers coming from Teller made him extremely uncomfortable, but that did not stop him from glaring right back at him. He crossed his arms, though it looked more like he was hugging himself than crossing his arms. ’It was a joke, Teller.’ He knew they both could hear that, but he also knew it probably sounded extremely aggravated. Because it wasn’t all a joke, the mentioning of killing them was. Yet to him, he really did kill his best friend. If he payed more attention, maybe his friend wouldn’t be dead. But he is, and Skippy considered he was the one that did it.

[pxnnjillette-blog]

It annoyed Penn that he was being ignored... or at least it seemed like he was being ignored. Did Teller bring something up that was much more important? Well, he wouldn’t know, as for him it was dead silent. Didn’t help that Skippy didn’t want to talk. 

Penn decided to put forth his efforts to just accept the fact that the witch... was well, a witch. Accepting that fact, he sighed and swallowed his pride. So much for being a household name as a skeptic. That’s an entire world of possibilities opening just based on such a small fact. If there are witches, does that mean there are faeries and other mystical creatures? Great. Last thing he wanted wa to end up like Arthur Conan Doyle. 

Penn cleared his throat in an attempt to get the other two’s attention. 

“So... what do we do?” 

@buggs-and-rudy-discount-co

[pxnnjillette-blog]

[ text ]: It’s really depressing that I’m an adult and I just threw up on myself because I was too warm. I’m not even drunk.

[text to: baby] Yikes![text to: baby] Do you want me to take you to a doctor or something?[text to: baby] If you do, please take a shower before I come over. 

[nxtureiisms]

Skippy calms his breathe down, Penn had no reason to apologize. He asked a simple question, though of course Skippy had been hoping it wouldn’t get asked. Then again, hoping doesn’t always make it not happen. “No.” Yes. He’s very much crying, and he rolls over on his back, stretching his arms and legs out as he keeps the pillow covering his face. The witch is going to make a joke out of it, because jokes and laughing always make him feel better. He smirks, though it can’t be seen under the pillow. “No crying here. Only suffocating. I’m dead now. Bleh.” He’s trying not to laugh at himself. Sick as a dog, but still loves to make others laugh.

[pxnnjillette-blog]

Penn chuckles at that, but then moves to take away the pillow. With that done, he gives a good look at Skippy, studying his feature in that single instance.  “It’s okay if you are... I just wanna know why. It won’t make you less manly. Hell, I’m a certified crybaby and look at me.” He tries to make his friend feel better, though not entirely sure if he’s doing it the right way. He senses like apologizing again and dropping it would be the best course of action, but he doesn’t do that. Instead, he keeps looking at Skippy with kindness in his eyes. 

[nxtureiisms]

#b

Send “#b” and I’ll shuffle my music player, and use my favorite line from the next song as a starter!

The witch thinks he’s alone, playing with a deck of cards. However, his mind’s distracted as he’s sort of humming and mumbling some lyrics.

“Meet me on the battlefield. Even the darkest night, I will be your sword and shield, your camouflage, and you will be mine.”

[nxtureiisms]

With a small adjustment of his tie, he decides now is an alright time to try to help the other. Picking up the remaining cards, before holding his hand out to take the ones that Penn had collected. After all, Skippy had been the one playing with the cards before they ended up on the floor. He sighs, shaking his head. “Penn, that is not what I meant.” It wasn’t meant to seem rude, but he looks at Penn with a bit of a frown. “I meant, you usually don’t go sneaking up on people and giving them heart attacks on an everyday basis unless maybe you wanted to talk about something.”

[pxnnjillette-blog]

About that... Penn sighed, pressing his lips into a thin line from frustration. What he was about to say was embarrassing, but his mother had suggested it and he couldn’t say no to her of all people. With that in mind he hands over the cards, standing up and walking a bit away. He shoved his hands into his pockets, too. Anything to find a way to feel less awkward about this.  “So, you remember how we used to go out to dinner every Friday back when I barely got by and you had a steady job?” Dammit, why did he agree to try this. “I was just thinking since we don’t hang out too often on non work basis, would you like to go out to dinner with me?” He wanted to add that this was not a date but felt that would make it seem the opposite way. 

[nxtureiisms]

“I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”

Mitch Hedberg Sentence Starters || link

Penn Jillette used confuse! It was very effective.

“How does that even…?? What?”

[nxtureiisms]

With this Skippy turns on his heels and begins walking about the store. Even if Penn doesn’t know, the witch already has a slight idea. He took small notice of their dietary habits, both Penn, Carlotta’s, and even Teller’s. He had a faint idea of what could be made, and as he walked he motioned for Penn to follow him. He was walking quickly now, trying to find just what he needed. Most of it he knew Mortals would have, but would they have the one thing that he needed the most? Hopefully so, he at least wanted to make it so that his friend was going to get yelled at..Too much at least.

[pxnnjillette-blog]

It took him by surprise as the other walked on, but with the motion to follow him he did just so. Recovering fast from the discomfort previously, he steps closer to Skippy, keeping up with the other’s speed.  “So....” He tries to begin, attempting to sound casual as he could manage then, “What are you looking for exactly?” At the very least he could help with the shopping, right? There just had to be a way of making this work out okay. 

[pxnnjillette-blog]

"And now he and us have finally ended up in children's entertainment hell." (BTW I love the Cinema Snob.)

Cinema Snob Quotes Starters  || Status: Accepting 

“Now, that’s– Well, I’m not sure how I feel about this. Though, I don’t think he minds. ”

[wiseguypuppychild-archive-deact]

“The only way out is to make really obvious perverted jokes that the censors don’t notice,” He said, “Did you know the ghost of a bee is called a boobee?”

[pxnnjillette-blog]

“That’s... so bad.” He had to admit to this at least, “Um... I once had a kid ask me after the show if I was really hung. I had to explain the trick to her.” That was... an attempt. God, he had forgotten how to be subtle. 

[pxnnjillette-blog]

"And now he and us have finally ended up in children's entertainment hell." (BTW I love the Cinema Snob.)

Cinema Snob Quotes Starters  || Status: Accepting 

“Now, that’s– Well, I’m not sure how I feel about this. Though, I don’t think he minds. ”

[wiseguypuppychild-archive-deact]

“Uhhhh….. relax, Penn. I’m a regular visitor of Children’s Entertainment Hell.” He admitted.

[pxnnjillette-blog]

“No offense, but I figured.” Penn sighs, “So do we get out or do we just deal with it? I haven’t really been part of family friendly entertainment as of lately aside of Fool Us, but even there we sneaked in an F U.”

[finallythebest]

I've Said It Before And I'll Say It Again

Fuck

[pxnnjillette-blog]

"And now he and us have finally ended up in children's entertainment hell." (BTW I love the Cinema Snob.)

Cinema Snob Quotes Starters  || Status: Accepting 

“Now, that’s-- Well, I’m not sure how I feel about this. Though, I don’t think he minds. ”

[pxnnjillette-blog]

Cinema Snob Quotes Starters [2/2]

"Glad I started on a happy note."

"It's imperative that I hear all of his/her bitching."

"You think that's attractive? Watch this."

"Yes, how dare you let that man with a gun rob us? You're fired!"

"It's like 6 pm out there, loser."

"And now he and us have finally ended up in children's entertainment hell."

"You promised us a Wow Wow Wibble Wobble Bubble and came through with nothing."

"Don't shoot rocker launchers in the house if you don't want to get in trouble with your 60-year-old mom."

"Um...you can eat them. Please, please. For the love of God, just eat them."

"That's a fucking bottle!"

"Is this the jungle, or a bunch of peacocks playing a horrible game of Hide & Seek?"

"If only there were such a thing as good dreams. There is no such thing as happy dreams, right? Everyone has nightmares like I do, don't they? Please tell me I'm normal?"

"I'm not here by choice!"

"Pickles, huh? Well given that you look like one, I'm guessing you're a cannibal."

"Spoilers, much?"

"Kids LOVE FBI references."

"Deese are da wrong balloons."

"Goofy ______, buy a fucking belt!"

"That's stupid what you just said."

"I JUST NOW GOT THAT!"

"They said this was about a dog, that's a horse..."

"Hey, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait...horses don't do that!"

"It'll bring about the apocalypse!"

"That's what you get for not taking your own damn advice!"

"Oh, if these walls could talk, it would be a story of complete mediocrity."

"See kids, back then we had to use our payphones in giant hollowed-out cherries."

"Well, you're gonna end up here anyway, so might as well drop you off at the cemetery to save you a trip and all."

"Sounds like if a pig's turd could talk and it was dying."

"What's that, you ask? I can wear a costume?"

"I can't even get zombies to fight over me."

"That wasn't just one emotion, that was all of the emotions."

"You know why the ghosts aren't showing up? You're putting them to sleep!"

"Goddamn it, I can't even fall asleep!"

"Because I like being an asshole. Go figure."

"Stick with real catchphrases thank you very much."

"How fucking old do you think I am?"

"Yes, it gets more weird."

"You are sued. So fucking sued!"

"Stop. Don't do it. Don't fuckin' do it."

"You have my permission to think I'm cool now."

"What the hell? Where do I start? Where do I finish? What the FUCK do I even need to say about this?"

"However, the topic of bullshit may be a step up for them."

"But I need to know why the monster was crying. Did s/he stub his/her toe? Does his/her diaper need changing?"

"That's prison talk for...something really unfortunate, probably."

"Will something hilarious happen, please?"

"Must...meme...cat!"

"Hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!"

"Whoa, whoa...do we have to talk about that here?"

"YOU'RE BIASED!"

[pxnnjillette-blog]

✩

The Ultimate Relationship Tag || Status: accepting

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? PennWho threatens to leave but never actually does? SkippyWho actually keeps their word and leaves? PennWho trashes the house? neitherDo either of them get physical? noHow often do they argue/disagree? on occasion Who is the first to apologise? neither

Sex:

Who is on top? Who is on the bottom?Who has the strangest desires?Any kinks?Who’s dominant in bed?Is head ever in the equation?If so, who is better at performing it?Ever had sex in public?Who moans the most?Who leaves the most marks?Who screams the loudest?Who is the more experienced of the two?Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’?Rough or soft?How long do they usually last?Is protection used?Does it ever get boring?Where is the strangest place they’d have sex?

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children? Penn has kidsIf so, how many children do your muses want/have? twoWho is the favorite parent? Skippy Who is the authoritative parent? neitherWho is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? SkippyWho lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? PennWho turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? BothWho goes to parent teacher interviews? PennWho changes the diapers? PennWho gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? PennWho spends the most time with the children? Penn. it’s his kidsWho packs their lunch boxes? SkippyWho gives their children ‘the talk’? PennWho cleans up after the kids? neitherWho worries the most? PennWho are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? Penn

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? SkippyWho is the little spoon? SkippyWho gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? PennWho struggles to keep their hands to themself? Penn How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? A whileWho gives the most kisses? PennWhat is their favourite non-sexual activity? Magic Where is their favourite place to cuddle? The bedWho is more likely to playfully grope the other? PennHow often do they get time to themselves? Rarely 

Sleeping:

Who snores? PennIf both do, who snores the loudest? PennDo they share a bed or sleep separately? Separately. Sometimes togetherIf they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? Cozy upWho talks in their sleep? SkippyWhat do they wear to bed? Penn: Underwear. Skippy: PJs Are either of your muses insomniacs? SkippyCan sleeping pills be found by the bedside? noDo they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? Wrap their limbs around each otherWho wakes up with bed hair? BothWho wakes up first? PennWho prepares breakfast in bed for the other? PennWhat is their favourite sleeping position? With Penn half way off the bed and Skippy lying comfortably on his end of the bedWho hogs the sheets? SkippyDo they set an alarm each night? YesCan a television be found in their bedroom? YesWho has nightmares? SkippyWho has ridiculous dreams? PennWho sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? PennWho makes the bed? SkippyWhat time is bed time? past midnightAny routines/rituals before bed? noWho’s the grumpiest when they wake up? Penn

Work:

Who is the busiest? Both areWho rakes in the highest income? PennAre any of your muses unemployed? noWho takes the most sick days? PennWho is more likely to turn up late to work? NeitherWho sucks up to their boss? NeitherWhat are their jobs? Penn: Magician, actor, writer. Skippy: (ex) Witches council member Who stresses the most? SkippyDo your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? They enjoy themAre your muses financially stable? Yes

Home:

Who does the washing? PennWho takes out the trash? PennWho does the ironing? PennWho does the cooking? Skippy Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? PennWho is messier? PennWho leaves the toilet roll empty? NeitherWho leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? NeitherWho forgets to flush the toilet? Neither. gross. Who is the prankster around the house? BothWho loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? PennWho mows the lawn? PennWho answers the telephone? PennWho does the vacuuming? PennWho does the groceries? BothWho takes the longest to shower? Penn Who spends the most time in the bathroom? Penn

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem? noHow many cars do they own? two. both Penn'sDo they own their home or do they rent? own homeDo they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? near the coastDo they live in the city or in the country? cityDo they enjoy their surroundings? yesWhat’s their song? million ways by ok go What do they do when they’re away from each other? go on with their livesWhere did they first meet? The theater How did they first meet? Skippy wanted to mess with Penn because Teller looked like him Who spends the most money when out shopping? PennWho’s more likely to flash their assets? Penn Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? BothAny mental issues? Penn: none. Skippy: undiagnosed Who’s terrified of bugs? NeitherWho kills the spiders around the house? neither Their favourite place? the theater Who pays the bills? PennDo they have any fears for their future? what if Penn's family finds out Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? PennWho uses up all of the hot water? PennWho’s the tallest? PennWho’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? PennWho wanders around in their underwear? PennWho sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? PennWhat do they tease each other about? various topics, the teasing never endsWho is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? NeitherDo they have mutual friends? Teller, YakkoWho crushed first?  SkippyAny alcohol or substance related problems? noWho is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? neitherWho swears the most? Penn

[nxtureiisms]

“I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”

Mitch Hedberg Sentence Starters || link

Penn Jillette used confuse! It was very effective.

“How does that even…?? What?”

[pxnnjillette-blog]

He laughs at the remark about bewitched, remembering that show somewhat, but not enough to really recall such an instant. Then the juggler flinches, snarling somewhat. What did Carlotta like? God damn it, he’s been dating her for a while now, figured he should know… but he wasn’t too sure. So he shrugs.  He presses his lips into a thin line,   ❝I- I’m not sure.❞ 

[nxtureiisms]

He stops, and turns him completely shocked. He really had no idea what Carlotta even liked? Well this was going to make it a bit difficult. He crosses his arms, tapping his cheek in thought for a moment. He then snaps, sticks his hands in his pocket, and smiles at Penn like it’s not a big deal at all. “Have you taken a note at what she likes to order?” He knows they’ve been to restaurants, Penn had to have at least taken some note of the types of things she orders. “We can use that information to come up with something she’d enjoy having.”

[pxnnjillette-blog]

Penn honestly feels uncomfortable, like he shouldn’t just disappear right then and there. But the ground won’t open to swallow him all, will it ? No that just doesn’t happen. He honestly swears he has learned a lot about Corllatta, but he always failed to apply it. He would just forget everything and have to deal with the scolding he’d get. This was why they were breaking up… “I really don’t know, Teller. Maybe… traditional stuff? I don’t know.”

[nxtureiisms]

#b

Send “#b” and I’ll shuffle my music player, and use my favorite line from the next song as a starter!

The witch thinks he’s alone, playing with a deck of cards. However, his mind’s distracted as he’s sort of humming and mumbling some lyrics.

“Meet me on the battlefield. Even the darkest night, I will be your sword and shield, your camouflage, and you will be mine.”

[nxtureiisms]

Quickly he stands up, brushing himself off. He found it a bit embarrassing that he was on the floor. Sure, he often found himself on the floor since hanging out with Penn & Teller however this time was different. He’d been scared to the floor.

“It’s fine Penn.” He pauses, tilting his head abit. “Was there something you wanted?”

[pxnnjillette-blog]

Wanted? Was there something? No, not really. Penn sighs, now with most of the cards in his hands. He looks up from his position on the floor, shrugging. “Am I really such a vulture to only talk to you when I want something?” Okay, perhaps at Teller that was true. He couldn’t deny it... If he only knew this was Skippy.

[pxnnjillette-blog]

[ text ]: It’s really depressing that I’m an adult and I just threw up on myself because I was too warm. I’m not even drunk.

[text to: baby] Yikes![text to: baby] Do you want me to take you to a doctor or something?[text to: baby] If you do, please take a shower before I come over. 

[nxtureiisms]

Skippy grumbles, but he curls himself up into a ball. Everything hurts, and he feels a strong urge to cry. Why now? What if doesn’t make it? Like how his mom didn’t? Sure, it could just be an ordinary Witches Cold but he sure felt more like shit than he’s felt before. Could it be because he’s older now? Was it going to be a genetic thing?! He’s worried to the point that he just makes a noise at Penn sitting down on the bed and telling him he’s there if the shorter needs something. He can feel tears stinging his eyes because he’s sick and scared, so he grabs a pillow and tries his past to hide the fact that he’s beginning to cry just a bit. “T-Thanks Penn.” Hopefully the other wouldn’t hear the shortness of breathe in those two words.

[pxnnjillette-blog]

Penn is close to spacing out completely when he hears the other, awfully too busy trying to think of ways to help him.  “What wa-- oh, yeah. No problem.” The juggler then turns to the other, giving him a good look. “Are you crying?” Not that he wanted to be rude, but it just came out before he could think about it. So now, his eyes go wide and he let’s his head fall. This wasn’t good. “Sorry.” He mutters. 

[tychography-deactivated20161203]

Reblog if you’re dead

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