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Today is my 75th birthday! I don’t feel that old, but I don’t know what it is supposed to feel like. I don’t look 75. Maybe 10-15 years younger. Good genes. I’ve outlived my parents. Still have 25+ years before I reach my late paternal grandmother’s years.

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I don’t think I have said, or done, anything to intentionally hurt somebody. I was brought up to help your neighbor , community, and country. I’ve finally reached the point where I don’t really care what people think about me. I’ll speak my mind and still try to temper my words. But you will get my side of the truth, if it is relevant. I don’t know how much time I have left in this life. As an adult, I liked sex and sharing sex and participating in sex. I miss not having sex. It has been quite a few years since the last time I had intercourse. I miss holding a woman and being held by a woman. I miss the closeness and connection from loving and being loved. I suspect I’ll never experience that again.

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As far back as I can remember, none of my family, on either side, were emotional people. They didn’t talk about what they were feeling and they didn’t show their feelings either. That’s what I inherited. Oh, I felt many of the 27 human emotions. I just never shared them with others. I have never had big highs or deep lows. I’ve had moments of joy like the birth of my children. Deep sorry with my first divorce where I cried at night, for weeks on end. I discovered that the sorrow kills your spirit. I tried to never have deep sorrow again. I prided myself on bouncing back from setbacks as quickly as I could. A big part of why I’m alone at this stage of my life is that I never shared my deepest feelings and secrets with someone else. Would I like it to be different? Sure, but I think it might be too late for me on that front.

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In a few weeks I’ll turn 75. It seems like yesterday I was graduating college and starting married life. Now, when I wake from sleeping in the morning, I have to stretch a bit in bed before I make my way to the edge. Peeing is the biggest priority after getting up and moving. Each day starts with the same basic tasks. I try to do something before noon when I’m most alert and energetic. I read something while eating lunch to keep my mind engaged and discover new things. Evening brings some TV, usually sports. My dog requires two daily walks, no matter the weather. Night is mostly restful, but there is the occasional, middle of the night, potty brake. Trying my hand at wood working as the model railroad construction is now complete.

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I looked for 10 years between wife 2 & 3. I dated several women in that time. I tried to find a woman that had common interests and a similar personality and attitude. I ended up paying a match making service to help. After a few more women, I was introduced to a lady who seemed to be a very good match. We started dating and truly enjoyed each other’s company. We had a lot in common and had grown up in similar circumstances. The sex was the best of my life and I know it was for her as well. After 9 months together, we decided to marry. I couldn’t have been happier!

After 3 ½ years she decided she wasn’t in love anymore. No reason why. No explanations were forthcoming. I knew she still cared for me by her actions for the next 6 years. Then she decided to move away and didn’t want to have any contact. It has been almost 20 years now and I still think about her from time to time.

Sad.

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I always tried to give my kids what I never had. I tell them to this day, that I love them so much. My parents never told me they loved me. They did love me, they just never said it. It broke my heart. I give my adult children a hug, at least once, every time I see them. My parents never gave me hugs. It broke my heart. I was in a much better financial place than my parents were. I have a master’s degree and earned three times what my parents did. They didn’t have post high school education. Just wasn’t required in their day to get a decent job and secure their future. Education has been important in my life and I wanted my children to get knowledge past high school. Thank God they both did.

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Second wife was mother of our children. She and I were opposite. She never saved a dime in her life. Had no idea how to save for a down payment for a house. The whole time we were married, we rented. I got tired of living paycheck to paycheck. Took 10 years to finally end it. Broke my heart to be away from the kids every day. Every other weekend is a hard way to have a relationship with your children. It was tough making the youngest realize it wasn’t their fault I wasn’t around all the time. I hated making another mistake in a relationship. Got better overall in understanding relationships. Just wished I’d chosen better.

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I was born a Type B personality. Lived my whole life trying to prove I wasn’t. Got tired of always being ignored. I’m tall, over 6 feet, but never had muscle to speak of. I’d walk into a room and no one really noticed. I suffered through three marriages until I gave up trying. I should have married the girl who liked me in high school. She was nice, smart, kind, and not bad looking. Instead, I married her friend who ended up having an affair and left me after 7 years.

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My life has been a mostly, pleasant experience. I had a compound fracture of one arm in high school that put me down for 8 weeks. Had my gallbladder removed in the late 2000’s. Usual childhood diseases; measles, chickenpox, tonsillitis so many times I had to have them removed.

Got married the first time in my early 20’s. Big mistake! Should have dated and married the friend she was with since that girl already liked me and was interested in me. I probably would still be married to the second girl. She was sweet, smart, reasonably attractive and intelligent and talented. We would have made a good couple. First marriage didn’t want children and was driven to a profession. Nothing wrong with that. We really didn’t have anything much in common.

I spent too many years trying to figure out what I wanted to be, and do, in life. I tried sales, in various forms. Music, as a DJ and sports caster. Tried a very brief singing career. None of those panned out. Became a teacher until parents started running the classroom and students were not responsible for their own actions.

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Loneliness pretty much sucks. Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody. Retirement is better than needing to get up every day just to go to work. Hope my body, and mind, don’t fail to quickly.

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Aging is difficult. More so when you’re doing it alone. This isn’t what I envisioned my life being like. I was wanting to have a life long woman by my side. I didn’t know what love should be like as a young man. I didn’t think much about it. I’m happy that my children have found what I never had.