~Qalanjo~

I am the daugther of my mother`s strong courageous and fierce soul and the daughter of my father`s wisdom, gentle and passionate soul. The blood of my Somali ancestors runs thick through my veins and defines my every move, the land of poetry is where...

[qalanjob]

Learning to love

How does one love?

How does one love when you've seen no love?

How does one love when you've felt no love? 

How does one love when your afraid to love? 

How does a young woman love a man when she's been hurt by every man she knows? 

How ...does one ....love?

How does one show love, when  my culture and roots teach me not to? 

[qalanjob]

34 excuses for why we failed at love ~ by Warsan Shire

1. I’m lonely so I do lonely things 2. Loving you was like going to war; I never came back the same. 3. You hate women, just like your father and his father, so it runs in your blood. 4. I was wandering the derelict car park of your heart looking for a ride home. 5. You’re a ghost town I’m too patriotic to leave. 6. I stay because you’re the beginning of the dream I want to remember. 7. I didn’t call him back because he likes his girls voiceless. 8. It’s not that he wants to be a liar; it’s just that he doesn’t know the truth. 9. I couldn’t love you, you were a small war. 10. We covered the smell of loss with jokes. 11. I didn’t want to fail at love like our parents. 12. You made the nomad in me build a house and stay. 13. I’m not a dog. 14. We were trying to prove our blood wrong. 15. I was still lonely so I did even lonelier things. 16. Yes, I’m insecure, but so was my mother and her mother. 17. No, he loves me he just makes me cry a lot. 18. He knows all of my secrets and still wants to kiss me. 19. You were too cruel to love for a long time. 20. It just didn’t work out. 21. My dad walked out one afternoon and never came back. 22. I can’t sleep because I can still taste him in my mouth. 23. I cut him out at the root, he was my favourite tree, rotting, threatening the foundations of my home. 24. The women in my family die waiting. 25. Because I didn’t want to die waiting for you. 26. I had to leave, I felt lonely when he held me. 27. You’re the song I rewind until I know all the words and I feel sick. 28. He sent me a text that said “I love you so bad.” 29. His heart wasn’t as beautiful as his smile 30. We emotionally manipulated one another until we thought it was love. 31. Forgive me, I was lonely so I chose you. 32. I’m a lover without a lover. 33. I’m lovely and lonely. 34. I belong deeply to myself .

I love love Warsan Shire`s work its amazing and I feel so connected to her words. “34 excuses at why we fail at love” is my absolute favourite. These 34 excuses are universal yet somehow I feel that it also represents love, what love is and how Somali girls approach and perceive love. I feel that a lot of the times Somali girls invest too much in many meaningless and endless relationships in hopes for changing the man or getting married. Yes these are all universal traits to women and I'm not saying that Somali girls are too attached and that lying and cheating is acceptable or common in Somali culture but as a 24 year old Somali girl I feel that I can give the Somali perception into love and looking for love the Somali way at least. Because of our islamic belief and cultural system as Somali`s we don't really date or go into uncertain long term relationships. The Somali dating system is rather complicated if not crazy. Somali`s date or rather get to know a suitable individual in hope of marriage. I say Somali dating because even though Somali`s are respectful of their religion and generally get to know someone with the aim of marriage, culturally its a rather relaxed atmosphere. Somali`s generally chat, talk and often see each other in public or family environments. Now depending on how religious the couple are you can plus or minus a few relationships traits. What interests me is not the dating phase but the Somali marriage system and its Somali couple types.

This system  can be broken down into three types of Somali couples or Somalis looking for marriage.  There`s Somali couple type #1: that find each other young (usually straight out of high school) and dive right in without really knowing what love is or their responsibilities in marriage. Somali couple type #2: the most typical Somali marriage, whereby the girl and guy  really just  want to get married  because they`ve both reached that necessary stage whereby marriage is the biggest and most important milestone that will often define their existence and life purpose. This type of couple are in love with the idea of marriage but aren't often ready for marriage and have  very little understanding of their roles and responsibilities for a successful marriage. The girl wants the big wedding or big house along with the image of having a husband (almost like a handbag that makes her more acceptable within her community) and often has a driving force that makes her constantly seek marriage such that she`s living and breathing the idea of marriage, usually many of which are due to factors such as household problems, all her friends being married etc. The guy on the other hand is rather simple and has often reached a stage where he`s over living at home or mostly likely is done with the struggles of iskaabulo (single)  life and  wants the typical non-challenging maid, chief etc. (oops I mean wife). Then there`s the last category for the Somali couple types, and Somali couple type #3  consists of two equal individuals that are each mature and well established and both marry at a time in their lives that they are both equally ready for marriage. This  couple have a full and clear understanding of their expected roles, rights  and responsibilities as husband and wife and haven't been ideally obsessed with marriage since they hit puberty or simply because every Somali around them is yelling at them to get married. Couple type 1  represents 15% of Somali marriages, type 2 is 75 %  of Somali marriages and type 3 is 10% of Somali marriages. The problem with marriage and love with Somali`s is that our community is overly obsessed with it and make marriage a fantasy paradise whereby its the ultimate fix and all the sudden your born again (you will be loved,served and respected and the guys bad habits will disappear)?. This is the very problem with Somali couple type # 2-  all those couples that have rushed or gone into marriage for the wrong reasons and with wrong persons. I feel that with marriage in the Somali community its rather a complex abuse system , whereby hey your not only getting a life partner from this process but there has to be other benefits involved too and its not often just about this persons character, deen, manners or personality. NO NO. Its often her family, her young  age, her degrees, her passport, his money, his house, or that he`s her friends ex?!. Yes We look for love in all the wrong places. Or as Warsan Shire said " Forgive me, I was lonely so I chose you" and married you is the Somali way.

[qalanjob]

I am Xalimo

And this is my journey- all things Somali, the beauty and the undeniable ugliness to the Somali community and of course a lot of the good, the bad and the Farah(s) in my life.