The Queen 0711 @queen-x07 - Tumblr Blog

The Man I would never Have

I love this man. But I cannot be with him. I love this man. But I don’t know anything about him. I love this man hiding in “****** camera is off”. I never complain even it hurts a lot. All people asking if I already see you. Nakakapagod din pala. Nakakapagod palang umasang mamahalin mo ng lubos. Nakakapagod din palang umasang makikita kitang nakatayo habang hinihintay ako. Habang nakangiti. Pero bakit ganoon? I never felt na hinihintay moko. Never kang naging ready. Never kanh naging satisfied. I never saw your face. I never saw even the thiniest skin on your face. And then you will asked me “Iiwan moko dahil don?”. Bakit parang kasalanan ko? Bakit parang ako yung mali. Bakit? Everytime na kausap moko tapos may kakausap sa iyo. Makakalimutan mo na ako. Kahit kinakausap kita no response ka. Masakit. May narinig kaba sakin? Wala diba? Wala. Kase mahal kita at ayokong isipin mong di ka worth it. Kase alam ko feeling nun e. Yung di ka worth it. Sobrang masakit.

Dear Mi Amore,

First of all, I want to say Happy happy birthday. I hope masaya ka sa araw ng birthday mo. I will give everything just to make you happy. God knows how much you mean to me and how much I love you. On your birthday, I may not be beside you. Or even in your world. Because honestly, I don’t know hanggang kailan mo kakayanin ang isang tulad kong wala ng ginawang tama. Thank you for how many months that I’m with you. Ups and down man ang nangyayari sa atin. Mahirap man. I want to tell you that I will not give up on you unless you want me na. I will respect every decision na gagawin mo. Because I know, deep in your heart. You will know how painful it will be. And if one day, I will never be around you anymore. Even in this world. Please take good care of yourself. Ayokong magkakasakit ka. Ayoko ng malungkot ka. Ayoko ng nahihirapan ka. Aakuin ko lahat makita lang kitang masaya at nakangiti every single day. Please, be strong enough for Blakey. Alam ko na deep inside your pagsusungit is deep love of a father to his son. I’m proud of you, Ga. I’m super duper proud of you.

On your day, please be happy and healthy. Always remember Ga will always be behind you, cheering for you in every step. I will not judge you in every way. You have my respect and my trust. Even my love. Now, be happy all the time, okay? And forgive me for not being the best girl in this cruel world. I’m sorry for not being perfect. Thank you for every inch ng supporta mo and sa encouragement mo when I feel I will fail anytime soon. Hehe. I love you so much hanggang sa dulo ng laban natin para sa gusto natin mangyari. I love you, Ga. I will pray hard for you.

I hope to see you soon, Mi amore.

Smile all the time, okay?

I love you!

The Fluffiest Pharmacist,

Ga ❣️

Is not graduating on time is a sin?

Not graduating on time is a sin? Did you ever asked your daughter/son what’s wrong? Did you ever notice her/his change of behaviour? You didn’t right? Is pressuring your kids to graduate on time the right thing to do? For me, I guess I’m a sinner then. Because my parents think that I will graduate on time even though I transfer to another school. And pressuring me won’t do anything about it.

Have you felt?

Have you felt that you can’t save yourself from drowning? Have you felt that you are not important anymore? Have you felt that your not appreciated? Have you feel unloved? Have you felt losing yourself again? Losing that you can’t save it anymore? That you just want to hide or disappear? Then I will choose to forget every person who hurt me. 👌🏻

Losing a Friend

Have you ever think how the way your friends look at you? How they treat you? Are you okay with it? Are you happy with it? If not, then leave. Leave everything to God. Just stand up there, be brave to be alone. And let see who will be willing to walk there to come to you. I hope the people you were expecting is walking. Everything will be fine. Just be yourself for awhile. Be by yourself for a while. Just be strong. 😊😊

#LosingYourFriend

Let’s go! Hahahaha!

“Keep your distance away so you may know whose willing to walk to that distance and will grab your hand.”

-Anon

Don’t make me choose to forget all of you.

I have this strange feeling about my friends. They keep their distance to me. So what do you expect me to do? Of course. I also keep my distance to them and make a stronger wall. I’m choosing to build this stronger wall because I feel hurt. I don’t want to feel it anymore. So, I’m going to build this wall as high as I can. So, I will never feel the pain again. The history itself. Yes, it’s true. History repeat itself and it make you feel bad again and again. I don’t want to cry in front of them. I don’t want them to see me as weak as now. So, for building this wall and thinking of being alone. I’m sincerely sorry for it. It might hurt you or not. But I need to build this stronger wall for my own sake. Forgive me for choosing to walk away in my own little way. I’m sorry again, My friends. For letting my own feeling take away out precious memories. I don’t want to feel that damn pain anymore. It kills me slowly and I might not as strong as before to handle it. So, let make this wall and let God take control. Your friend signing off once again.

#Feelings

Trying

I’m trying my best not to text you. I’m trying not to miss you. But I do miss you. I still love the idea of me and you. But I need to stop from hoping. I’m tired and I need to live this life alone.

#LetsFightDepression

For my friends..

This blog is all about me. I know, I need to tell you this for you to understand why I have this kind of mood swings. I will start here. When I’m still studying in GNC my old school before I transfer in OLFU. I have friends there. But nabully ako. Nabully ako ng kaibigan ko. Yes, I call them friends. Our daily scenario is, they want this this and this. I need to buy it for them. Pag di nabili, edi di ka nila kakausapin. After that because of them, I failed. Bumagsak ako sa AnaPhy. Why? Because of my friends. Sad. But truth. Because of that, ayoko na pumasok the next sem. My dreams is like an ice. It’s slowly melting down. I need to find my morivation but I can’t find it. For 6 months, I stay in my room. Hindi lumalabas, hindi kumikibo tulad ng dati. But when I realized what I’m doing, I need to put this other face to face people outside my room. I laugh, I smile, I tell my friends my story. But I can’t tell them that I have depression. Until now, maybe, I’m good in hiding all the pain I have. They didn’t know that, when I’m alone. I really damn feel alone. I feel na ako lang mag isa sa lahat ng ibabato sakin. And how can I tell my friends this? I’m aftaid of their reactions. I’m afraid they might not understand. Bumalik ang asthma ko, dahil sa depression. I can’t say it. I want to tell my sister but ayokong isipin niya pa ako dahil ang layo layo namin sa isa’t isa. Having depression is not easy. Your mood, your feelings, you overthink. I always tell myself that I’m strong. But I’m not. Because in “Maldita daw ako” is I have a very weak heart. Having depression is being sensitive. And I hate it. I hate that I need to fight this. You know what? I found my motivation. But again, that motivation died. Who? My Lola. Siya nalang kase naiwan samin. And now, wala na siya. And everytime I feel damn sad. I pray hard and I will ask for a hug. A tight hug. And asking for forgiveness for having this. For always feeling alone and sad. I want to be happy. Always. Kase diba, dapat happy lang? But this sadness is killing me. But I promise that I will not try to kill myself. I think of suicidal thoughts sometimes. But I know, God will not be happy about it. 😢😢😢 So, to my friends, First of all, I want to thank you for understanding me when I have mood swing. I’m sorry for having this kind of tantrums that sometime you can’t understand. I’m sorry for having depression and not telling you. I’m afraid what you might say. But I want to thank all of you. Thank you for staying even having this kind of “kagagahan.” Thank you and my apology to the things I’ve done that might offend you. I’m sorry again.

Your tweets..

Your tweet.. Ang mga tweet mong punong puno ng hinanakit sakin at ang pagkakagusto mosa bago. Sabi mo wala pero meron. Base on your tweets. Hindi naman ako manhid para di ko maramdaman. Sa mga babasa nito, iisipin nila na ilang beses ko ng sinabing titigil nako kakasulat sa iyo. Pero hindi ko kaya dahil wala naman akong masabihan. I only have tumblr para ilabas lahat ng sakit. Iniiyakan? Madalas. Hays. Kahirap mag move on.

#ParaSaIyo

I didn't know..

I didn't know why. But here I am writing again about you. Have you miss me for real? Or you are bored? I guess so. I hope not. Hays. I didn't know what to do after this. I want to move on but you always do something when I'm about to. How can I move on if you do this things? Hmm. Oh yeah? You found someone? Base on your twitter.. Ahhh. Ahhh! I got it. I hope you are happy.

Our story. 🐼🐷😭

Loving you is the hardest challenge that Destiny gave me. I need to choose between to fight for you or not. That moment, I need to choose. Because my DW fam can’t accept you. I need to choose between losing you or losing them. But you know? I choose losing them than to lose you. Before that, you know that they don’t like you. Us to be so close. Then we become RP partner. God knows how much I wanted to hide what I feel for you. Because dads doesn’t like you. She told me, “If you choose to love RD, forget about me. You need to choose.” God! HOW CAN I CHOOSE?! I WILL LOSE PEOPLE I LOVE! But in the end? I love you. I choose you. I told you and you asked me, “What do you want me to do?” Nothing. I want you to stay. Then after a year and a month. Destiny give me one more challenge. This time, I need to choose between your dreams and our relationship. I choose your dreams. Why? Because I love you so much and I can’t take it. Seeing you losing your dream because of me. It’s so hard to fight. I asked you right? But you said, “I don’t know.” That night. I promise to myself, I will never ever ask you again. I need to be brave for you. So I let go. For real. Now? It’s almost 9 months ago that we lose our forever. But for almost 9 months, I'm still inlove with you. I still love you. I still miss you. I know, it's wrong to love you and to miss you. But I'm getting tired, My love. I'm so tired asking myself if you will comeback. But then again, destiny gave me a lot of reason to give up. And tonight? I'm officially giving up. This blog? This will be the last blog that's all about you. So, goodbye. I hope one day, if we see each other again. I hope you don't recognized me.

#OurDestinyHasToEnd

I Miss You..

I miss you so much. I miss you everyday. Every minute. Every second. But do you miss me the way I miss you? I hope so. I want to see you. I want to hug you. But I can't. I aways asked myself. If nasa tamang panahon kaya tayo, pwede tayo maglast? Pwede tayong dalawa hanggang huli? Hindi ko ikakaila na ikaw pa rin. Ikaw pa rin ang nandito. Ikaw lang. Pero kung kailan titigil? Yun ang hindi ko alam. Hindi ko alam kailan titigil na mahalin ka. Darating ang araw na, kakausapin kita. Na wala ng sakit. Na hindi nako umaasang babalik ka pa. Sana sa afterlife. Tayo pa rin. Sana magtagpo pa din tayo. Mahal kita. Hanggang sa huli, I'm still praying for you. Wala ka ng pakialam sakin. Kaya okay na din. Hingang malalim, iyak, sleep, aral, review. Daily routine sa summer class. Well, I love you, My love. Mag iingat ka.

#TheThought

Baking Lesson..

Why? Why I want to bake? I want to bake for you. I want to learn how to bake, how to cook the most delicious and healty food for you. Yeah. It's for you. It's for you. Always for you. But you didn't know. 😊😊 Weird. But I put my 100% effort to learn how to bake for you. Hey, it's 7 today. It's our monthsary. You forgot? Oh! I forgot. We already broke up. Okay. Goodnight.

#AlwaysWill

Once in a While

Hey? You remember me? Do you still think of me the way I'm thinking about you? I guess no. I miss talking to you late at night. But we can't go back. Is the love is still there? Or you already move on? How I wish I can ask you and you will answer me. But I'm not going to ask. I'm not going to ask anymore. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to see myself lying in the bed crying whole night! What the? As if you can read this right? You can go now, Mylove. You can go to your dreams now. You will achieve all your goals. I wish you all the best in the future. I love you, Mylove. I do.

#AlwaysWill

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