Random Thoughts

[queenofbaddecisionsandchaos]

When your heart hurts so bad you just want to die...

I know im not always the greatest person but damn did i love you.

[queenofbaddecisionsandchaos]

Ozzy

I didn't say a word about this yesterday.... or I guess the day before now that I realize i've been awake that long.... but...

The death of a musician is something that has affected me before.... Tom Petty, Taylor Hawkins..... and now... Ozzy Osbourne. I am not sure I will ever forget this one.

I feel like we alll have thoughts about him - whether we liked, loved, or hated him.... Ozzy touched so many freaking millions of lives.

Growing up, I was a "Miss Goody Two-Shoes" .... I was a show choir geek to the core.... my first concert in high school was with my parents - I saw "The Nylons" in Milwaukee and I honestly don't remember where..... I guess my only memory of that was being there with both of my parents. However, my first "real" concert after was seeing Ozzy at Alpine Valley.... Ugly Kid Joe opened for him. This cocert was ... if I remember right... in July of 1992. My oldest boys Dad took me. It was our first "real" date - he ended up having Mono - I remember he was soooooooo sick.

I'll never forget though - Ozzy..... he was one of those performers you never forget for your entire life.

So.... yeah... I was on my way to work and my youngest son sent me a message "Mom, I know you really liked him but I'm not sure you heard.....Ozzy died today" With those words, I had to pull my truck to the side of the road...I began to cry like I had just heard my dog died or something....

Ozzy - he has touched my life. To some - they are just like "oh yeay, it's whatever, another old musician died" but to me it's sad that they would ever view him as anything but what he truly was - Ozzy Osbourne was a fucking legend - he made metal music what it it is today... the man was more than just a musician - he was the biggest influence on my generation of rockers - he had the greatest love story with his wife (no - I know there were issues in thir marriage but they never gave up on each other either) - he was a father - he helped discover amazing talent and brough t them into his own family (Zakk Wilde) .... I could go on and one but fuck - the man was so incredibly phenomenal.

So - yes - I pulled over to cry my freaking eyes out.... I called my friend immediately to check in with thim - I knew that this would impaccct his day, or week...... I just felt so much numbness. I knew it was coming, I did, just like when a child knows that their parent's life is getting to the end - but I didn't want to believe that. Ozzy was going to live forever....

With all this being said.... RIP Ozzy. I am stilll in shock a day later. The death of Hulk Hogan today didn't evej phase me because I can not even come close to "healing" from your death.

Ozzy - YOU touched my life. The rock world will NEVER be the same without you.....

Thank you SIR Ozzy Osbourne.

I can't wait to rock with you in heaven.....

[perfectfeelings]

“Actions speak louder than words. Next time someone tries to convince you that they care, look at what they do, not what they say.”

— lieinlove

[remanence-of-love]

[wordx]

[paper-wounds]

[anhedomelancholia]

Became this person

[perfectquote]

“You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

— A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

[findmeinmyart]

the judgement day

i recently came across a quote that said - an artist knows that their art will be judged, they demand to be seen anyway. while this can be misconstrued as the notion of "bad publicity, good publicity, all of it is the same", i think that that will prove to be superficial and yes, quite underwhelming. you see, in order to make an impact ( for those who want to), you need to be seen and heard. i get the perpetual fear of being judged, i really really do, but placing your values and your purpose above that fear is what propels you towards your dreams, and throughout your darkest days. you can stay hidden in the shadows but the question you need to ask yourself every second is whether it is worth camoflaging and staying in the comfort of familiarity, or yes, sometimes getting ridiculed or mocked, but give yourself a chance to accomplish the promise you made yourself.

[perfectfeelings]

“As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.”

— Steve Maraboli

[queenofbaddecisionsandchaos]

When you realize your boyfriend is "facebook stalking" a girl that was your children's nanny for an entire summer.....

it leaves a different feeling in your soul

[queenofbaddecisionsandchaos]

Sometimes...

Only sometimes....

I hate him

[queenofbaddecisionsandchaos]

I think I might be one of those foolish girls that watch WAY too much Netflix and not enough porn.

Maybe my relationship expectations wouldn't be so unrealistic...

....or would they be? 🤔

[queenofbaddecisionsandchaos]

It was 5 years ago... yesterday I suppose, now that I have looked at the clock.

I sent him on a plane. I needed to get on with my life and I knew I wouldn't move forward as long as he was here.

I was a coward.

I know that.

I know that - now.

I would have never admitted that before. I am not sure I realized that before recently.

Don't get me wrong, he had done some terrible things... but I was far worse. He didn't deserve the treatment I put upon him.

He says he's forgiven me. I've forgiven him for the things that he did during our relationship. The thing is I am unsure I have forgiven myself, not yet.

I know that I wanted to start new with my "new" boyfriend and have a life that was unaffected by him. Honestly, until this last year, I am not sure that my relationship was ever unaffected. I still thought about him, I still talked to him, I still wished I was treated the way he treated me..... my relationship was anything but unaffected.

I know that he is now doing very well. He's turned his life around there and has even begun to be positive.

I am happy to know it worked out for him. I am. However, more than anything, I do miss my friend. I also know that for me, I am not sure that the plane ticket was worth the messed up situation I have made of my life.

He's a good man. He's a great friend. He loved me like no one ever has and for that I am grateful. Because of him, I got to experience true love during my life.

Today, I look back on that day, and I am sad to remember the entire thing. I do know, though, it was necessary - for both of us. He deserved to get a clean break from me. He deserved the chance to grow and become an even better version of himself.

So... yeah... 5 years... I wanted a new chapter - instead I have re-written pages from my past... but he - he got a new chapter - hell, he got a new book and I couldn't be more proud of him.

I'll love him til the day I die....

[queenofbaddecisionsandchaos]

You know, it's pretty dysfunctional when I realize it's 4:15 am. I haven't slept but a few 1 hr spurts because my sleep schedule is fucked... I take a drink of my vodka/water and think "well, at least my kid understands where I'm at right now"😪

[queenofbaddecisionsandchaos]

It's been a minute... I guess I haven't had the motivation to actually write... not that I dont think about it, but actually doing it gets to be too hard sometimes.

I think I've taken laziness to a whole new level.

[queenofbaddecisionsandchaos]

Silence is loud...

[writing-prompt-s]

The abandoned child you’ve taken in sleeps on your lap as the god who gave you immortality softly warns you. “This will hurt.”