Never thought I would ever update this blog again, but I had been wrestling with myself about making this post for a while.
This is an apology post, but it is not a request for contact with anyone who has left my life. I only want to apologise for things I feel I should apologise for because it's the right thing to do. I did something wrong, so I should apologise.
Then again, none of those people who left my life follow this blog (anymore) anyway so I sincerely doubt they will ever see it. That's okay. It still needs to be said and just in case anyone ever comes to look at the blog, the apology is here.
I want to apologise first and foremost for not being able to sooner identify the issues I had that made me a toxic person to be around, especially in 2010-2012. (2013 and 2014 were not that much better, I'm afraid). I'm not proud of that person, because that person did not want to face the things they inherited from their abusers and thought that explaining their issues alone was enough. I would act out, lash out, be frankly a terrible person and when called out on it, I would just explain why I was acting that way instead of trying to actually DO something about it. Just because I was abused horribly does not justify how I acted during those years. Sure it explains why I had those issues, but it's up to me to become a better person and to NOT act like such a fucking toxic piece of shit. I was a terrible friend then, and the way I conducted myself was unacceptable. I am deeply sorry.
Secondly, I should have done more in therapy to address the behaviours I learned from narcissistic parents, because if I had, maybe I wouldn't have hurt people I loved with my behaviour. I'm sorry that the way I understood love and friendship was toxic and narcissistic, and it affected how I related to people and ran the court/coven/cult/whatever you are personally comfortable with calling it for your recovery. I'm sorry I said terrible things and held horrible standards. Just because I thought they were normal doesn't mean they were, and I should have been a better friend and realised this earlier so that I could have brought it to a therapist BEFORE I hurt people and not after. I'm sorry I didn't identify sooner that these things I learned from my mother and grandmother were fucked up. I'm sorry I didn't take responsibility in fixing myself sooner and unlearning this toxic shit. I'm ashamed of myself for not learning sooner and noticing sooner. I could have been a better friend, a better listener, better support.
Thirdly, I should have done more to pay attention to my physical health and how it was affecting my mental health. I literally didn't even take thyroid medicine for an entire year and only took adderall; both my doctor and my therapist said that that could have been probably the worst thing I could have done to myself, and I'm responsible for how unstable and toxic I was to be around. I did not treat my symptoms, I did not pay attention to myself and I was a terrible, horrible person as a result. I should have made my health a priority so I was a healthy, stable person to be around. I am sorry I did not.
I'm grateful to those of you who are and have been still willing to be my friend while I figured this shit out and stated the unlearning process of these toxic behaviours. It may not mean much, but I never meant to hurt anyone and I really did think I was being a good friend. I thought it was normal because it was what I grew up with and now I know those behaviours are toxic. I'm sorry for any hurt I caused, and thank you for still sticking around if you did. To those who didn't stay and walked away, I don't blame you. I was truly a terrible person to be around and not worth it.
This could be longer, honestly. I could go into more detail but I think this is what needs to be said. I am sorry I was a bad friend. I am sorry i didn't take responsibility for myself like I should have. I'm sorry if I hurt you at all. I'm sorry I was not the friend i should have been.