1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?
While some people discover polyamory, I very strongly believe I was born that way. Iāve always been attracted to more than one person at a time and it never made sense to me to choose between people. While other kids imagined marriage, I imagined living in a big house, apartment building, or neighborhood with all of my intimate friends. At the start of every relationship I had starting in my teens I would tell the person that I didnāt want to be owned, that I desired to be free to connect in organic ways with whoever I met, and that I didnāt want to be exclusive. Every story that Iāve written since I was 11 (some 80+ by now, with more on the way) included non-monogamous elements, relationships, and issues. I finally discovered the actual word for what I was writing about when I was 20 and Iāve been using it ever since.
2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?
My dynamic is a bit unusual. In addition to being poly, I am a relationship anarchist, demisexual, sapiosexual, pansexual, genderqueer, aromantic, kinky, and have an enormous sex drive. There isnāt a hierarchy to my relationships but if I were to label anyone my primary partner it would actually be my sister. We raise our children together, weāve shared households often, and we are deeply devoted to one another no matter who else comes in and out of our lives. Itās strictly platonic, of course. I have a coparent/on-off roommate that Iāve been in a passionate aromantic relationship with for nearly ten years now. We have one child together and often live together but are sure to maintain our own space. I had another long-term partner but he died last year. I have a group of very tight-knit friends that I have queer and/or passionate relationships with. I have a creative soulmate, a gay slave, and various others. Recently Iāve made a wtf-sexual friend. My partners and I date separately and the friendship is what matters most.
3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?
Ha ha, well, for one I feel no jealousy. Iām aromantic, autonomous, and friendship is my highest value. So Iāve never felt jealous about any of my partners being with anyone else. Thatās probably also why it was easier for me to become poly first, before getting into any sort of relationships, instead of coming to it after being part of a couple.
4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?
The whole couple thing. I feel icky whenever someone refers to any of of partners and I as if we are a couple. It irks the crap out of me. Whenever I meet someone new and explain that Iām poly and tell them about my longest-term partner they think that they need to defer to him. Thereās still this common view that people that come later or that you donāt see as often have to mean less by default. So getting past this misconception can be hard.
5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?
I do my best to show everyone that theyāre not less important to me and that whatever we build organically is what matters most. I make sure to let them know that things shift and change, tell them about my full history, and educate them about relationship anarchy, my value and emphasis on friendship, and my openness to change. If all that fails, I simply hand them my books to read. Itās almost like required reading!
6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?
For me, anyone that Iām likely going to have sex with has to know that Iām allergic to latex and that I have several physical disabilities that can cause me pain during sex. For me, safer sex doesnāt really involve preventing pregnancy since my endometriosis and PCOS make me subfertile. Also, I donāt mind being fluid-bound once I know that they are low risk or STI-free. I get tested regularly, ask partners about their sexual contact, and keep up on their testing dates. For sensual partners there isnāt as much risk of STI transference. For anyone with STIs (though Iāve only ever had one partner who had one) Iāll be sure to see if they are taking proper precautions like medications, regular checkups, and such.
7. What is the worst mistake youāve ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?
It actually has to do with coming out as poly instead of being poly. Iāve never had rocky relationships and many of them transitioned quite well into friendship or other forms or we left each othersā lives amicably. For me, it wasnāt always safe to come out as poly to anyone but my partners. As a differently-abled left-handed queer black woman who values intelligence, friendship, and sexual freedom Iāve often faced violence (including sexual) if any of my predilections were discovered. So up until a month ago my sister never knew about my recent partners other than the one I had a child with. I didnāt want my other family members finding out because I feared having my child taken away. And while I had never intentionally withheld information from her and tried several times to let her know that I wasnāt exclusive with my longest-term partner it only sank in for her after I wrote a post about my deceased lover. I do regret not letting her know soon enough to meet him, and now she never will. She still doesnāt support it but she is sympathetic to my loss. But after he died it hit me once more that life is too incredibly short. So Iāll waste no more time on the fear of being out. People hated me anyways so I might as well be openly my authentic self.
8. What self-identities are important to you? How do you feel like being polyamorous intersects with or affects these identities?
My identity is rather complex yet completely integrated. Iām aromantic, pansexual, libidinous, an autodidact, sapiosexual, atheist, humanist, differently-abled, left-handed, demisexual, masculine genderqueer, relationship anarchist, and kinky. Iām also poor, black, and a survivor of all kinds of abuse. For me, my polyamory is an inborn orientation, a word describing my inherent ability and predilection for loving many people deeply (always nonromantically, of course). Itās not something I discovered or learned about; itās a description of a very important aspect of me. Partially due to all of my varied and queered identities, I always realized I might be too much for any one person to handle. Additionally, if I was so complex, each other human was, too, so it made no sense to ever cage anyone. And my emphasis on individuality, on humanity first and foremost, allowed me to break away from the shame and guilt normally associated with divergent and marginalized identities.Ā
As a lefty, I knew (and have been) the odd man out all my life. In that way, accepting every other variation on humanity in me was rather simple. I was able to focus on my wholeness and that of others first and foremost because I could never be taken for granted and I could never taken anything or anyone else for granted. I live on a liminal horizon many arenāt even aware of. Having multiple unique and intersecting identities gives me a vantage point so rare and outside the norm that nothing normal makes sense. Though none of my identities depends on another, they all are in concert and ever-present in the ways I experience the world. Because my first and foremost identity is human, all of my other identities can fit within without struggle, without conflict, and without turmoil. I am that which appreciates freedom in all ways so of course polyamory would be a natural and organic fit for all of my other weirdness.
(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote?)
Oh yes!!!! I run the websites cuileffect.com and (with Louisa Leontiades) postmodernwoman.com. If you like it please consider supporting me (did I mention Iām poor?) or us on our Patreons: patreon.com/michon and patreon.com/postmodernwoman. I built and still maintain LEEPās website, focusforward.weebly.com with my creative friends. Iāve written over 80+ books and counting and have published around 20 of them. You can find the entire list at https://www.smashwords.com/books/byseries/4181. They all involve all kinds of non-monogamous and queer relationships and have a diverse and dynamic character list spanning the LGBTQIA+ spectrums as well as featuring people of various races and mental particulars. Lots of things theyāre only just now writing about in the poly community Iāve been detailing in stories for 15 years, which is pretty cool. So if you want to see poly relationships in action (and absolute weirdness paired with surviving terrible things) then feel free to check them out. Iām also in touch with the Queer Relationship Project to add resources and to help build them. I hope to expand on what Iāve dubbed cuil fiction by teaching others about a different way to write. Eventually, Iād like to start a publishing company called Sinister Press as one branch of LEEPs creative empire. Donāt worry, though, my sinister plans are simply dreams right now.
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