I need help (actually though)

this is the spot where you're supposed to put all your labels but i honestly have no idea. Am I a boy? In between? neither? just a really confused cis girl? who knows? Let’s say he/him gay guy for now. Just a blog to record all of my dysphoric/questioning thoughts. Wanted something more public than a diary but still anonymous.

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

Hey okay so update if anyone wants one.

Still don’t know whether or not I’m just supressing or just getting rid of a bunch of conditioning I did to myself. Got a grad dress and am trying to embrace being feminine. Sometimes I feel feminine. Sometimes not. Idk anymore.

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

Jesus Christ I just went on YouTube on my mom’s phone to look up drumming videos and in her YouTube history was videos called “The Transgender Agenda” and “The Dangers of ROGD” what the ACTUAL FUCK no wonder she’s an unsupportive SHIT

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

By the way I’m still really confused but I’m trying not to go on tumblr too much cuz I think it’s confusing me more. I am trying my hardest to be happy and secure in my body but every time I’m forced to see a picture of myself I just die inside and every time I get called a girl I just grit my teeth

If I am a cis girl, I think that right now I am taking “the pink pill” (as I have decided to call it). “Pink pill” = men are sexist. I’m basically realizing that most men will never see me as their intellectual or social equal, because they will always think of me as separate from (and lesser than) them. There will always be things that a man will never say around me because I’m a woman. Learning about passing and everything has really opened my eyes to just how sexist people really are, and how much gender influences the way everyone treats you. It’s so fucking depressing.

So maybe I’m just a cis girl who is in the process of taking this “pink pill” while also struggling with self-image issues. Or maybe I’m a trans guy who is trying to force himself back in denial mode.

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

hello! i came across your blog and i just wanna say you're doing great; i think it's awesome that you're so open to whatever you're feeling about gender stuff and it's cool that you analyze it as it comes! sorry if this is weird but i just wanna wish you the best of luck on your journey wherever it leads you!!

That’s really cool of you.... thanks :)

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

So I wore a black jumpsuit to the winter formal yesterday and I didn’t feel dyphoric or anything... just whatever. There was one moment when I bent down and had a pang if that dysphoria feeling I talked about a while ago (if it even is dysphoria).

I’ve been trying to think of myself as a girl again but it’s just so weird. I feel like I make more sense as a guy. But also I’m scared I convinced myself I’m trans because

A. I’m insecure about my appearance and I think transition will just magically solve it instead of trying to fix myself as a girl

B. I found community and belonging as a trans guy but as a gender nonconforming girl there’s nothing out there for support

I’m alternating between two viewpoints:

1. that I’m using being trans as a fix-all solution to my insecurity problems. I don’t want to be a gay guy. The male FaceApp thing looks unfamiliar to me, same with the male drawing of myself that I did. My family is transphobic and I’d lose a bunch of people. I’m being radicalized and I need to step back. I have to take a hard look at myself and really try to truly improve my self esteem instead of looking for a fix-all scapegoat (“dysphoria”). I really love the idea of dating guys and as a cis girl I can get p much 93% of the guys I like. Being a gender nonconforming girl is cool. Basically, this viewpoint is telling me “Right now, you’re currently trying to shake off months of conditioning that you were using to cope with insecurity”

2. That I only started doubting myself when I told my mom, who started subtly feeding me TERF viewpoints and refused to support me in any way. How good I felt when I got to dress up and look like Baby. How nice it is to be called “man” and “dude” by men. How right it felt to pack with a pair of socks. How it’s so much rarer for me to be happy with my appearance when I try to present as a girl. How all of my role models are male. How I desperately want to be part of a male a cappella group. Even how I identify so strongly with MCU Spider-Man. Basically, this viewpoint is telling me “Right now, you’re just suppressing your true identity because being yourself is too difficult and people around you are unaccepting— these feelings will come back and suppression won’t work.”

Both of these viewpoints can’t be true at the same time.

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

Wow what a day.

I don’t think I’m trans.

Today I went shopping for winter formal clothes and I tried on this black dressy jumpsuit and it looked really good on me and I was so happy. I found a pair of shoes to go with it and I’ll even wear earrings. With my short hair it looks super cute and androgynous. It shows skin, but it doesn’t make my skin crawl or make me hate myself. It actually makes me feel good about myself for once.

I couldn’t say that for any of the other things I tried on, men’s or women’s.

That kind of made me realize that I just need to BE MYSELF.

I don’t have to be super girly but I can enjoy some feminine things. I don’t have to be super masculine either. I can just be who I wanna be and express myself truly.

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

Aw man all this gender stuff is just completely taking all the joy out of my acceptance now all I can think of is that

Like I have the chance right now to just start over... as a guy... but my mom is forcing me to “take my time” which I get but also I COULD PASS BY NEXT AUGUST I COULD DO IT IF I WAS AT LEAST ABLE TO SOCIALLY TRANSITION BUT NOW I JUST HAVE TO “WAIT” FOR NO REASON AND THEN ILL HAVE TO transition while in college and ruin everything and nooooo

And I’m making my first impressions on everyone as a girl and I hate it so much I really hate it I want to join the LGBT group chat they made but that means coming out and idk idk this just really sucks and it’s ruining what’s supposed to be my happy acceptance

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

Boys are so cute it would be lit if I could just enjoy being a girl and trying to get with a straight boy but instead I have to sit here and figure out my gender instead

and even if I am ftm then it’ll still be 200x harder to get a bf

Ughhbbhh :(

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

Okay scratch what I said yesterday now that I joined the Facebook group for brown it sucks because I’m already starting off being introduced to them all as a girl and it really kinda sucks also why is Facebook saying “Myname changed her cover photo” like that’s so weird I hate it

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

I got into Brown yesterday, which is awesome!! All of my friends are so happy for me and I feel so good and happy about life. 

One thing I also noticed today is that... my dysphoria is actually not too bad right now when I feel supported and loved by all my friends. That’s really interesting. Maybe what I was calling dysphoria was really just a need to belong, or an insecurity. 

Right now, at least, I feel like I could be happy as a masculine gender-nonconforming girl as long as I have lots of good people around me. I’m thinking of wearing a jumpsuit to the winter formal next thursday. If I have to wear guy’s clothes and look super masc to be happy, why not?

Edit: yeah, right now I have no revulsion towards being called “she” and being a guy doesn’t seem as nice to me anymore. I’m really digging the idea of being a super masculine girl. Don’t think that’s a coincidence that it happened right after my acceptance.

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

Huh this is actually kinda cool. walking around topless but with pants still on actually makes me feel pretty masculine. even tho i can see my chest I kinda look like a buff shirtless guy with really weird pecs it’s cool

Soon as I take off the pants though then you can see hips and boom there goes the illusion :/

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

I’m simultaneously attracted to and EXTREMELY ENVIOUS OF the sex drive that guys on testosterone have

It’s not fair I want to be like that

[transmed-peasant-deactivated201]

Not to be horny on main but I wanna hold hands

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

Men are so attractive yet I also want to be one what is happening to me

Am I just so attracted to men that I don’t want to be feminine or something I don’t get it

I’m simultaneously attracted to and jealous of certain guys idk

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

I hate the way clothes feel on my body. I hate tight fitting clothes because they make me want to tear off my skin

but I also hate loose clothes because they still hang off everything and my hips still feel huge and baggy shirts don’t hang straight even when I bind because they still cling to my hip area and it’s so gross and disgusting

There are no clothes I feel comfortable in

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

I’ve only opened up to people in my real life about my dysphoria 4 times, once to a guy and thrice to a girl.

You know what’s stupid? Every. Single. Time. I open up to a girl about my dysphoria they’re always like “wow, I’ve felt that way before too.” like wtf??? no you haven’t?!?! It shows that you don’t fucking believe a WORD I am saying and that you think I’m just a confused girl (which I maybe am) but wow it’s so frustrating.

These CIS WOMEN are really telling me that they’d rather be men and that they “”struggle with being a woman”” just as much as me, meanwhile they’re totally fine calling themselves girls/women, dressing feminine, being girls just please shut up!!! You’re COMPLETELY fine with your gender shut up with your crap about understanding my feelings.

I know how much of an edgy teenager I sound like but those three people have singlehandedly destroyed all hope of me ever being able to transition because I guess according to them I just have to accept being a stupid insecure girl who can barely stand existing in my body for the rest of my life, just because they have never felt the way that I do and they think they know what I’m feeling like

[questioning-afab-thoughts]

Mini annoying thing that friend did today

Ok so this isn’t really a huge deal but my friend who is a girl has a crush on a girl in her swimming class right now and she keeps talking about her non stop right? Me and my friend were both really excited at first and teased her a bunch but then she got way too into it and now expects us to want to talk about her crush every single moment I talk to her.

Now okay I get it when you have a crush that’s all you can think about but damn can it get annoying. And like she’ll text this group chat and keep talking about her crush and then if I don’t respond RIGHT AWAY she’ll be like “hey did you see my text?” passive aggressively. Like uh sorry but you can’t expect your friends to be as obsessed with your crush as you are!!! I can kinda tell that my friend is also a bit tired of it too so yeah

I know I almost fell into this rabbit hole when I had a crush but I had enough self-awareness to not constantly tell my friends about it bc I realized that they weren’t as interested as I was (even if they were happy for me).

That’s fine and whatever right? But then today we were talking about her crush for like the 8th time that day and I just casually said “oh yeah it kinda sucks with two girls because usually with a straight relationship the guy has more pressure to ask the girl while in a lesbian relationship there’s not that pressure.” Which I think is 100% true and part of what makes wlw dating so hard. But she was just like “What??!? No, that is not true at all!!!” But like...... jeez sorry I said something not 100% politically correct and she’s all up in arms denying reality. In our society as of now, it is more socially expected for guys to ask out girls. And it’s not even like that’s an unpopular opinion I saw it on lesbian forums all the time back when I thought I was a lesbian 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️