The real princess diaries

[questsofaprincess]

Caged with the Devil

I miss you. I miss your jokes, your laugh. The way you can light up a room when you walk in. I miss the way you used to care. I miss the weak side of you, the way you would tear for things that others wouldn’t dare to care.

You’ve grown cold, as you should be. We have endured such copious amounts of pain and sorrow, I don’t question the need for a wall.

My only question is— why is your wall boarded off for me, too? Then I remember, you’re trapped.

Trapped with uncertainty in the devils den. If only you realized, but how could you? You fell in to the trap, trusting that he was right in his devious ways.

If only you realized, I want to get you out. If only you realized you’re not alone. If only you realized we didn’t leave you for dead.

But — how could you? He has you tightly woven in to his lies. You’re so far from the truth, but you were lied to for far to long.

You trust his fake pity and charm. Trusting that he wouldn’t dare do any harm. Not caring when he does, because let’s not forget— you both have become one.

And that’s a bond that cannot be undone.

[questsofaprincess]

No one talks about the inner teen that wakes up when you start therapy— she remains feral, and inexplicably angry.

[questsofaprincess]

Most days, I’m okay, I’m alright.

Most days, I don’t want you in my life.

I’ve picked a new family of mine.

But tonight, I’m fed up.

It must have been something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do.

It must have been something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do to lose you.

Remembering growing up, I went through a lot, I endured by myself the pain of losing my family on top of everything else.

I was all alone, nobody else, you constantly were at moms throat.

Confiding in me, telling me the things you’d do if he ever crossed your path again.

It must have been something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do.

It must have been something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do to lose you.

Tonight I realized, it wasn’t something I did.

It wasn’t something I said, it wasn’t something I didn’t do.

I was ten years old, fighting off the monsters of the world.

You turned your sights away from your family, and towards your latest fling and made me your right wing.

Looking back over the last year, I’m thankful you threw me out of your life for your new wife.

I’m thankful I met so many friends and the love of my life.

So, it wasn’t something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do.

It was something you did, something you said, something you didn’t do.

Nalani Ashton

[questsofaprincess]

I can’t say this to your face. I’ve tried to explain this to you, yet it’s like I’m talking to the thickest, close minded being I’ve ever met. All you’ve done is bash me over and over again. All you’ve done is continue to deepen my need to be perfect and the shame that I’ve brought you. All you’ve done is turn your back on me, and pay attention to everyone else’s victories. I failed those classes. You’ve made it well known that I “chose to”. When I finally hissed back at you that I had had an abortion, you quickly said “I thought so”. You shattered my world. Many years I feared telling you about it. I feared it because I knew you weren’t open minded. I feared it not because of my choice, but the response you would have. Out of all things I could have imagined, I think the worst possible one was the one that you had responded with. You thought I had had an abortion? So in turn you treated me like garbage, you didn’t even listen to me when I told you I needed a mental break from school. That’s not the worst part though. The worst part is that you told me I chose to fail those classes, after I had admitted what happened. Then, I broke and wailed in agonizing pain. I screamed “ depression is a real thing” In response, you told me I needed counseling. Thanks.

-nalani Ashton

[questsofaprincess]

Title, if you want one.

Go ahead, type a post. Staring at the empty screen, she couldn’t help but feel lost. Why? Coming up on two years ago now, she was almost engaged, and almost even married. She had previously stopped really thinking about marriage, and then she spoke to him once more. The way he made her feel— like there was nothing they couldn’t accomplish together. Spiraling out of their relationship, hitting the bottom, she found the love of her life? Well, maybe. She had thought so. She adored him. With his soul, he filled hers once again. She fell in love once more, but there was something in the way. Did he not feel the same? He must not have. They had been together for almost a year. He couldn’t talk about marriage or moving in with her. In fact, the only thing he had said was that he wanted to live with her before they got married. He had told her it was so that she could make sure she wanted to live with him. He wouldn’t even talk much about a future with her come to think of it, it was only right here right now. She watched as her dog cowared down to see what was a piece of trash on the floor. It resembled perhaps... a snake? He growled and wouldn’t approach it until she got out of bed. Walking over to it, she tamed the monstrous snake and her dog captured him. Collapsing back in her her bed, she realized. Maybe the future is his snake. The future is the scariest thing possible, the unknown. That’s why she had never wanted to be married previously. When her cousin had passed away, years to follow loosing family members and friends, she wasn’t able to see the future. She lived and still does for the most part, in the now. That’s why she didn’t last with her ex. The ex. He wanted to plan their future, not focusing on their relationship in the moment. Not realizing she needed more from him to plan the future. Maybe that’s why her current boyfriend couldn’t see or want to plan the future with her. Maybe he needed more from her, maybe she just wasn’t enough for him. Feeling her eyes become heavy, she drifted back to sleep.

Nalani Ashton

[questsofaprincess]

Hearing Israeli women have the prettiest accent, or that they’re the most beautiful women in the world is not something she wanted to hear. After all, this was coming from her boyfriend, and she’s American. She thought back to when everyone fell head over heels for her. She was gorgeous, and had no idea. More importantly, when she started to gain weight her United Kingdom fling said she was the prettiest American woman he had ever laid eyes on. Time and time before, she had been told no one held a candle to her. Time and time again she was told, never believing that she was beautiful beyond compare. While this may have been true, she wasn’t anymore. And no one could make her even believe it now, well they were never able to.

Nalani Ashton

[weirdpostarchive-deactivated201]

i am a simple man. i search for warmth and tiny spaces to curl up in

[weirdpostarchive-deactivated201]

i like to have my head petted also

[marmorbun]

I diagnose you with cat

[questsofaprincess]

Maybe adopting an older child wouldn’t be terrible, I’ve given that some thought. But right now I’m leaning towards not wanting kids at all. Or well, I don’t even want to get your hopes up. Adopting wouldn’t be so bad. Why do I feel like this? I just want to please you and still be happy. I want you to get everything you want out of life. I love you. And I want to want the same things as you. But I just don’t. You keep asking me to stay, you keep pleading. I don’t want to go. I want to stay. That’s why I haven’t left yet. I should leave, but I’m being selfish. I couldn’t see you with anyone else and be content in life. I would always regret walking away from you deep down even though I want you to be happy. I want everything for you. But I want you. I love you. I need you.

Nalani Ashton

[questsofaprincess]

I feel like, you’re fake okay with the thought of not having kids. You won’t ever be happy with just me in your life. The thought that keeps you going is well “maybe she’lol change her mind?” BUT IM TELLING YOU NOW I DONT WANT KIDS. Do you even know how much pressure that puts on me? I love you more than anything else on this planet, no— in this galaxy and further than pi itself goes. I love you. But. Knowing how I feel, and that I don’t see it changing, I continue with our relationship. I will either give in to you eventually, or we will have a horrible MISERABLE break up many years down the road. Then we will be old, and alone,and you’ll be without me and kids. I hate that I feel so pressured to give you kids or leave. And when will you prod me again about it? Will I be blindsided? Will you cheat on me? Will we turn into Owen and Christina? Will you love me less? Will you give me an ultimatum? I just, I don’t feel whole anymore. I’ve always felt a missing piece, but before this I was so happy with you. I just want you, some dogs, and to rule the world. Is that so much?

Nalani ashton

[questsofaprincess]

Furthermore, I fear you, I fear me. I fear the future. I have an intense anxiety of what is unknown, and also known— like, a chihuahua. I’m in constant fear that one day, you’ll see right through me— and not want me. Hell, I don’t want me. I’m 23. I don’t have my life together, I’m all over. Bringing a little in to the world? Highly irresponsible. But yet you press. Future, future, future. Why don’t I want kids? “Why are you fighting biology?” I spent most of my young life a mother to my siblings, a sister to my mother. I can’t see what you see. I can’t see the future. I-I-i I just can’t.

Nalani Ashton

[questsofaprincess]

I told you there were many reasons. I struggle with depression, on a daily basis. Some days are better than others, others—well, not so much. I’ve struggled with depression for many years now. I don’t see my future, I live in the now, and the very near future. I haven’t thought about my future in a serious aspect ever. When I do, I fall further in to depression. I become afraid of what hasn’t even become. Silly, though. You can plan down to the last minute, and you’ll never be entirely correct.

Nalani Ashton

[questsofaprincess]

Turning in to a neighborhood, they clasped their hands tight together. Their hearts were full, nuzzled up to each other as they ranked houses. He was stationed in South Carolina, naval academy-nuclear engineering. Coming towards the end of the beginning of school, he had planned on trading assignments if he were to be moved to New York. He had planned on a lot of things. She was finishing school in Florida—where her family was. She planned on following him wherever the navy would take them. They drove, hand in hand, for what she thought was playfully picking a house. The ring in his pocket could burn a hole through. He had backed out the night before. It was her birthday, he had it all planned out— except for a song. Her phone buzzed, as he glanced over before she could even read it, his heart sank. Looking down, her mom had text her “ has he proposed yet”. Her mom didn’t know he had intended on proposing, they had talked about how weird he was acting. “No” she responded. She hadn’t noticed he was reading over her shoulder waiting for her mother response. Her phone buzzed, the blue haze put him in a trance “oh thank god” her mother replied. Soon, the silence that had filled the air was broken, “why would she say that” he choked. “Well, she’s not thrilled with the idea of me moving away so soon, and I’m her first born.” Tears welled in his eyes. She then caught on.

Nalani Ashton

[questsofaprincess]

When the lights go out

Staring at myself, I see me.

Quite obvious, I know.

One should see oneself when staring in to the mirror.

As I see myself, I’m not sure if I am who I see.

I see a girl, a girl who used to be thin, frail even.

Back then, I thought I looked the way I do now.

5’5, 210 pounds.

I’m like... a jr. whopper.

Short, and chubby.

Back then, I was 5’5, 118 pounds.

I thought I was the heaviest, ugliest creature.

Peoples harsh comments never helped. I started to gain weight, not much.

I was 5’5 125 pounds. A healthy size. My aunt didn’t think so.

She expressed to a stranger I had just met, she’s just put on some weight.

She got a gym pass though, maybe she’ll lose it.

5’5, 210 pounds. I’m confused honestly.

I see my belly overhang just a bit, I don’t feel like I look huge. Then I see pictures of myself.

When I see pictures of myself I see someone I haven’t seen until that moment. I’m fat.

Point blank.

I may joke, and have fun with myself.

I may joke... even to myself.

But I’m fat. Junior whopper? Probably just the full size.

My stretch marks line the bottom of my belly like road maps.

They proceed to etch the scene in between my thighs, my hips, and even the tops of my breasts.

I look in the mirror, and I don’t see the girl in the photographs, but I don’t see things that I like.

I don’t see things I want to see.

People say, then change it.

That’s very difficult to do.

As I’m a perfectionist, and I’m used to instant gratification.

When I don’t see results, I do the opposite, I eat. I eat sweets, and bread, and cheese, and pasta. It’s a never ending cycle.

I just. I don’t know anymore.

Nalani Ashton

[questsofaprincess]

Sit up straight

Put a bra on

Why don’t you put a little makeup on your face

You need to wear red lipstick

Dont chase him, let him chase you

Don’t ignore him

Don’t be so available for him, tell him you have plans

Why aren’t you hanging out with him? If you never see him he won’t want you

Make sure he has goals, you need them too.

He isn’t in school? Anyone not going to school won’t have anything to fall back on when their dreams run dry.

Build yourself to not have to rely on a man ever.

He needs to pay for dinner.

That dress is to long, that one is to high.

A lady always wears heels or flats.

You’re full of soup.

Why are you stressed?

Oh botherdash

Nalani Ashton

[questsofaprincess]

I don’t even know how to start this. I guess that’s how I’ll start. Coming up on two years ago, well in September, I would have been engaged. To most people, that’s not a big deal. It’s not engaged, it’s not married. Which is fine. You’ll never understand the disappointment of knowing heart wrenching pain when someone wanted to marry you, and then left without explaination. Left you pondering for a great deal of time. After many painful hours, you finally stand up, brush yourself off and proceed to move on with life like nothing happened. Because... did anything really happen? I mean you werent actually engaged. But here I am, now in a new relationship wondering if I’m actually wanted. I know it’s silly, a bit ridiculous. But it’s really hard once you’ve experienced that deep seeded rejection. It’s a feeling of such inferiority dwelling on if I am who is loved and wanted. Sure, you’re with me. But why are you with me? As you’ve made it clear that you’re afraid for some reason. And is this reason the same reason my past life is my past life? And if you answer, do I trust that your answers are true or do I not see them as such. Many people before you have expressed such fallacies to me. They’ve expressed so much love, and then poof. I’m just lost in the maze that is love I guess. Caught between spider webs, I’ll do the spider web dance.

Nalani Ashton

[questsofaprincess]

No stars

Many times, I wondered what I could have done differently.

I wondered what I had done wrong.

I wondered what I could do to turn it around.

Many times, I thought about running to you.

I thought about going to you in person.

I thought about being there with you- what would you say then?

I have always wondered if you were testing me.

I wondered if you wanted me to come to you.

I wondered if you wanted to see how far I would go.

While doing this, I reminded myself I’m worth more.

I’m worth more than your trials

I’m worth more than your games

I’m worth more than you ever gave to me

I still have to remind myself that I’m worth more

I still have nights where this is so difficult

I still have days that I can’t stand by myself

So, to you, I’m still sorry

I’m sorry I couldn’t stand by you when times got rough

I’m sorry I made you feel like I was always bullying you

I’m sorry you felt alone

I never wanted you to feel anything but loved

I never wanted you to feel anything but my love

I never wanted you to feel all darkness, with no stars

I always tried to make you feel appreciated

I always tried to make you feel wanted

I always tried to make you feel like... you weren’t alone.

While part of me knows that you should have been there for me the way I was there for you, I still love you.

I still love you

I’m still sorry

But while I feel this way,

I still feel you should have treated me better

I still feel you shouldn’t have left me in my darkest hour

I still feel, more than anything, you chose yourself in the end.

Which is fine,

In the end, you should choose yourself

Take care of yourself

And always love yourself

But

You should never have blamed my happiness

You should never have told me you were leaving because I wasn’t happy

Then, turn and say that I put you down to much.

I “bashed” you

But

I know neither reason was true, you were only looking for a way out.

So many people questioned you being gay

I don’t care if you’re gay.

I just wanted the real reason.

I wanted the honest reason.

I feel like you were overwhelmed

I feel like you pulled a ring to fast

I feel like.. I feel like it was both of our faults, but

I feel like you were offended that I wasn’t ready to move in with you

I wasn’t ready to jump up and down about marrying you

I wasn’t ready to move away from everyone and everything I knew to be next to you.

I feel like I offended you

When I was ready, it was to late

You had already started distancing yourself

You had already started spending more time with your friends

You had already stopped talking to me.

To this thought, I’m sorry if I offended you

However, you left me.

You left me when both of my dogs died.

You left me right after my childhood friend wrecked and passed away

You left me when I couldn’t stand on my own feet.

You left when there were no stars, complete darkness.

So, I’m sorry if I offended you. I’m sorry I brought your coldness out. I’m sorry you couldn’t get over our past and accept I wanted you— day in and day out. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready.

But if that’s the reason you left, then I’m glad.

I’m glad I didn’t move in with you

I’m glad I didn’t marry you

I’m glad I didn’t change my life for someone who couldn’t shelter me when times grew tough

I’m glad I didn’t change my life for someone who didn’t appreciate that I wasn’t ready.

I’m glad I didn’t run to you, when In the end you didn’t catch me when I fell.

I scraped my knees in dried blood from our past as you slammed the door shut in my face.

It’s okay. I know you didn’t understand that. You never understood metaphors.

Nalani Ashton

[kaypier-deactivated20200518]

More often than not I’ll crack into a sprawling fantasy series and, while I appreciate the luscious descriptions of furniture, landscapes, and clothing, all I’m focused on is that I don’t actually know how this world works. I only know what it looks like.  

Including some functionality to your universe can add to immersion and give your reader a strong foundation on which to build their mental model of your universe. 

You certainly don’t need to use all of these questions! In fact, I recommend against that, as all of these certainly won’t make it into your final draft. I personally find that starting my worldbuilding off with 5 to 10 functional questions helps pave the way for glittery and elaborate aesthetic development later on.

How is the healthcare funded in your world?

How does healthcare functionally differ between the wealthy and the poor? (i.e. can only the wealthy go to hospitals? do poor families often have to rely on back-alley procedures?)

Where are health centers (i.e. hospitals, small clinics, etc.) organized in your cities?

Does it differ in smaller towns?

How does this affect people’s ability to get healthcare?

Is healthcare magical, and if it is, how does that affect the healthcare system? 

If healing is instantaneous, how does that affect people’s views on injury, illness, and chronic ailments?

If you have both magical and physical healthcare, which one is deemed superior and how does that affect society? 

What illnesses are common in your world? 

How does this affect daily life? 

What do the people in your world think illnesses are? 

Is it a miasma theory? 

Humor theory? 

Demons? 

Do they know about biological viruses and bacteria? 

How does this affect healthcare?

How do people get water? 

Is the water sanitary and if not, how do they sanitize it?

How does agriculture work? 

Is it large corporations or individual farms?

What sort of agricultural technology exists in your world and how does it affect food production?

Are farmers wealthy or poor?

What sort of natural resources does your world/country(ies) have and how are they obtained?

How does this affect the average wealth of the country?

How does this wealth affect the culture? 

What livestock or beasts of burden are most valued? Least valued? Why?

What is considered a luxury good vs. a regular good?

What forms of transportation does your world have?

What classes use what forms of transportation?

How far has the average citizen traveled, given your transportation limitations?

Which cities are the most accessible and which are the least? Why?

How do popular transportation methods change how cities/towns are laid out?

Does your world have public transportation? What is it?

Is there a coming-of-age aspect to travel?

Describe your world’s postal system or whatever equivalent there is. 

Who pays for it? 

How reliable is it? 

Are there emergency methods for transporting information?

How does your world keep time (i.e. watches, sundials, water clock, etc.)?

Does your world have a currency system, barter system, or something else? 

If you have multiple countries, do different currencies have different values across said countries?

How does this affect travel?

Do you have banks in your world and if so, how are they run?

Who owns the banks? Government? Wealthy? How does this affect the economy and/or class system?

How does credit operate in your universe?

Does your world operate more on big corporations or small business? Something in between?

How are workers/labourers treated in your world? 

Are there workers unions and if so, what are common views on unions? 

Describe your tax system. If you don’t have a tax system, explain why and how your world is affected by that. 

Can certain social classes not own property, certain livestock, certain businesses, etc.? Why?

How are business records kept? Are business records kept?

If your world has technology, does your world prioritize developing entertainment tech, communications tech, transportation tech or something else entirely?

What does this say about your world?

How does this affect your economy?

To the closest approximation, what type of government does your world have? 

How are rulers/presidents/nobles put in place? 

How much power does an individual ruler have? 

Is there a veto process? 

If you have multiple countries, do they have different types of rulers?

Describe any large-scale alliances (i.e. countries, factions, etc.) that are present in your world. 

How did they come about and how are they maintained? 

Are they strained or peaceful? 

How does it affect the greater politics of your world?

Describe how wars are fought both internationally and nationally. 

Do methods of war differ between countries/races? 

What about philosophies about war?

If there is a military, what is its hierarchy structure?

How does the military recruit?

Is the military looked upon favourably in your society?

What weapons are used by each country/type of people during warfare, and how does that affect war strategies?

Describe the sentencing system of your world. 

Is your accused innocent until proven guilty, or guilty until proven innocent?

How are lawbreakers punished? 

If you have prisons, describe how they are organized and run, and who owns them. 

Does differing ownership change how the prisons operate?

What are the major ways in which laws between countries vary? 

Do laws between cities vary? If so, how and why?

How does citizenship work in your world? What rights and privileges do citizens have that others do not? 

Can certain classes or races not become citizens?

Are there certain taboo subjects or opinions that artist/authors/musicians are not allowed to depict (i.e. portraying the official religion in a negative light, explicit sexual material, etc.)? What does this say about your society?

How do people get around these censorship laws?

What is the official hierarchy of duty in your world? (i.e. is family the most important, or patriotism? What about clan?)

How many languages are there in your world, and how many languages share a common origin? 

How many people are multilingual? 

Which language is the most common?

How is multilingualism viewed?

How are different languages viewed? (i.e. is one language ugly/barbaric while another is romantic and sensual?)

Feel free to add your own questions in reblogs or in comments!