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#time for a new pinned post

I keep having the worst nightmares here. I had maybe 4 nightmares last night - disturbing ones and really long ones that kept spiking my adrenaline and seemed to never end.

I hate that most of the time “productive” time of day I’m so sleepy and when I have to be social, or I have to make dinner or whatever I have the creativity, inspiration, motivation, and know exactly what and how I want to do it

And then by the time I can socially work on it- it’s gone. And I’m sleepy again.

I don’t understand why I hate this place so much. It’s beautiful. I know my aunt is antagonistic.

My mom said she might know why - I guess she was really jealous my mom adopted me & she couldn’t afford to adopt a kid. And as a child my aunt was hostile towards me and made some statements about how I wasn’t a real “family name” because I wasn’t related by blood. But at the same time often shifts in and out of nice, cold, opinionated, thoughtful, disagreeable

I have a half think that her husband who died may have been inappropriate towards me. Or was a predator in general. No one would let me be alone with him and my mom would often question if he abused me in any way when I went to my aunt’s or grandmas house. But I have no memory if anything happened I just know I was always uncomfortable around him

But it’s not just the interpersonal

It’s this place. Nantucket - It feels so bad. I didn’t expect it to hit me like this again. It feels so violently rotten. And outside the sun is shining birds are chirping.

I’ve never seen the movie but it feels like what I assume the conflicting vibes of midsommar feels like. I’ll share a few pictures of the place.

Idk if it’s me bringing my own baggage here. My aunt’s energy of hatred directed towards me. Or the place itself. But I hate it.

Every time I’ve stayed here I’ve had an awful time with this energy. And when I agreed to come back- I did it to placate everyone else. Because everyone else loves it here. And though I would be fine. It was all in my head

I feel like there is nowhere safe in this house. There is nowhere to exist and I can’t leave because we don’t have a car on the island we just wait to be taken places. It’s like a horror movie where someone is normal but their back is turned towards you and they turn around and their face is melting or something. That’s what it feels like here

Like look at how it looks and you see why it’s so perplexing why I feel like it’s violently horrible vibes here

quiet-curiosity

Oh god my dad’s ai addiction is worse than I thought

He watches crypto bros YouTube videos & is buying AI money managers to help invest his actual money. And has gone down a whole “wellness” rabbit hole. Where an AI generated monk give recipes detoxifying the liver etc.

And I tried to talk to him and he made it a joke about how he knows not to believe everything he sees online. & isn’t interested in hearing more.

quiet-curiosity

It’s just so dumb they’ve all gotten so dumb in less than a year.

My aunt believes that “scientists” are injecting people with honey to pull out microplastics because honey is sticky, she was talking nonsense about how no one in Israel has any diseases and they all live past 100 and Alzheimer’s doesn’t exist there And how Alzheimer’s is caused by all the microplastics and it’s why no one ever had it before now. I watched my mom be amazed at the most blatant ai generated home decor / renovation of a house. And my dad was talking about how dogs can now scuba dive in special gear. (Ai generated slop)

But they’re afraid of AI and think legitimate news is fake. And don’t trust it because “it’s all ai now anyway”

And these are liberal, highly educated folks not Fox News watchers.

It’s just crazy how in less than a year they’re all so completely brainwashed from Facebook ai slop.

Oh god my dad’s ai addiction is worse than I thought

He watches crypto bros YouTube videos & is buying AI money managers to help invest his actual money. And has gone down a whole “wellness” rabbit hole. Where an AI generated monk give recipes detoxifying the liver etc.

And I tried to talk to him and he made it a joke about how he knows not to believe everything he sees online. & isn’t interested in hearing more.

quiet-curiosity

My aunts house triggers so much ocd, & childhood trauma. Last night we got into our bed & a cloud of dust rose up after we uncovered the bed. & she ran a bed & breakfast here for 20 years & all I can think about is all the people who’ve slept here.

But I don’t understand why the childhood trauma is so strong. It’s like- intense immediate danger feelings and I can’t access any memories that would make me feel like that

& apparently there are tons and tons of tiny grain of sand sized ticks everywhere on the island & my dad got severe Lyme disease last year. so I’m also paranoid about that for Fig.

quiet-curiosity

& my wife & parents are helping with the ocd triggers but they seem to think it’s the dust that is triggering me

But I can’t really express that it’s not the dust.

The dust hurts my allergies- but it’s not the dust. My ocd is like triggered by idk it feels like everything is rotten, crumbling, crawling with things. And entirely unsafe in every way and no one else can see or feel it. Beyond like a superficial wow it’s dusty here but it’s usually closed up so it makes sense & they are are enjoying everything

And it’s so obviously rotten

niurd

instagram.com/p/DXCWLxNiOjd/

Elin Warnqvist

My aunts house triggers so much ocd, & childhood trauma. Last night we got into our bed & a cloud of dust rose up after we uncovered the bed. & she ran a bed & breakfast here for 20 years & all I can think about is all the people who’ve slept here.

But I don’t understand why the childhood trauma is so strong. It’s like- intense immediate danger feelings and I can’t access any memories that would make me feel like that

& apparently there are tons and tons of tiny grain of sand sized ticks everywhere on the island & my dad got severe Lyme disease last year. so I’m also paranoid about that for Fig.

stillfuckingtired

Brain fog is not an adequate descriptor, actually. Fog can be kinda nice and beautiful and ethereal and refreshing. The thing we’re describing is more like a brain BOG; everything moves slow like you’re wading through water, it’s clunky and heavy and you keep getting stuck in the mud. It’s uncomfortable and inconvenient and everything takes so much effort. You lost a shoe, probably.

#I always described it as like my brain was drowning in molasses so brain bog fits perfectly