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Rings of Power Recap - Season 2, Episode 6

Orc #1: All I wanted was to settle quietly in a suburb of Mordor.

Orc #2: You still can.

Orc #3: Put a downpayment on an ox…

Orc #1: Get a warg puppy for the wee ones…

Arondir: Nope.

—

Passing Mouse: You look like you’ve been subsisting on pizza, but apparently it’s all scrap metal?

Assistants: Good point. Lord Celebrimbor?

Celebrimbor: Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow… Creeps at this petty pace from day to day…

Mirdania: Shall we order some pizza, my lord?

Celebrimbor: Who the fuck are you?

Sauron: Perhaps you should stop spending the food budget on Red Bull and vodka.

—

Eregion Citizens: Lord Celebrimbor!

Sauron: I’m taking over. What’s up, citizens?

City Guards: The only inbound traffic has been dead bodies covered in foreign graffiti.

Sauron: All is well. You are getting very sleepy.

Mirdania: I don’t feel sleepy. Your new dress is making me very awake indeed.

Sauron: Don’t worry, we’ll get you one just like it.

—

Orc Daddy: We both love-hate Sauron. Friends forever?

Galadriel: You are the only one who understands.

Orc Daddy: Look, I got you fresh produce and everything.

Galadriel: Aw. You’re really trying.

Orc Daddy: What’s new in your world?

Galadriel: *full disclosure of elven state secrets*

Orc Daddy: You know how Sauron makes you feel seen and understood, and then you give him what he wants, and then he totally fucks you over?

Galadriel: Uh-huh…

Orc Daddy: I did mention he was my leader and teacher for centuries, right?

Galadriel: What’s Black Speech for “fuck my life”?

—

Elendil: Traitor!

Pharazon: Takes one to know one.

Elendil: The Valar will show who’s right.

Pharazon: Brilliant idea.

—

Homeless Wizard: What episode is it?

Tom Bombadil: Episode 6, why?

Homeless Wizard: Does time flow differently in Rhûn? My plot feels like it hasn’t moved in months.

Tom Bombadil: Fine. Here’s the next bit. Betray your friends or doom the world.

Homeless Wizard: Suddenly I miss when you were just forcing me to bathe.

—

Poppy’s Love Life: *occurs*

—

King Durin: Look who’s here!

Prince Durin: Annatar. You look… asymmetrical.

Sauron: What can I give you for more mithril? Timber? Grain? Eregion’s finest virgins every full moon?

Prince Durin: I need a shower just talking to you.

King Durin: I am knee deep in all the virgins I could possibly want.

Balrog, via Fire Zoom Call: Cousin! Missed ya, where you been?

Sauron: Spent a millennium as evil goo. Not my best moment.

Balrog: Sworn enemies?

Sauron: Disloyal minions.

Balrog: Gets you every time.

King Durin: *taking notes* Watch out… for disloyal… minions…

—

Disa: Is he still…

Prince Durin: He’s worse.

Disa: I hear the League of Disloyal Minions is looking for new members.

Prince Durin: He’s my Dad. I can’t do it.

Disa: Who do you fear more, me or him?

Prince Durin: Tough call, but frankly, you.

—

Pharazon: We’re gonna feed you to the Sea Wyrm.

Elendil: I’ll take that over your company.

Miriel: Over my dead body. I mean it literally.

Guards: Incoming!

Eldritch Marine Horror: I’m hangry.

Miriel: I am the rightful monarch of Numenor.

Eldritch Marine Horror: For fuck’s sake. This used to be a normal ocean. Now it’s crawling with the cosmically significant. Is there at least a fish and chips?

Pharazon: We can hook you up with some gumbo.

Crowd: MI-RI-EL!

Giant Eagle: My god, they are fickle here.

—

Eregion Citizens: Oh shit. Orcs. Many.

Sauron: Celebrimbor! Chop fucking chop! I can’t move this whole forge into a trebuchet projectile shelter now, can I? You wanted the world’s tallest tower and now you work in the world’s easiest target!

Celebrimbor: This is the point in our relationship where I normalise physical violence.

Sauron: Baby, I thought you’d never ask.

—

Hallucinatory Eregion Citizens: What a fine sunny day we are having in the middle of the night.

Clock tower: *strikes thirteen*

Sauron: Asking nicely for the last time: make the fucking rings. Here’s your grandpa’s hammer. Go get ‘em, tiger, etc.

Celebrimbor: Rings… Gotta make some rings…

Sauron: Servants! New case of Red Bull and some Zero Age tequila! Let's party like it's 1999!

#rings of power #the rings of power #trop crack #trop season 2 #trop spoilers

ROP Recap - Season 2, Episode 5

Ring of Power: Wear meeeeeeee!

Entire World: Don’t wear it!

King Durin: *wears it*

Prince Durin: Dad?

King Durin: SIRE! Dig over here.

Prince Durin: Sire! Who is also Dad! You’ll bury us!

King Durin: Get out of my way or I will bury *you* specifically.

Sun Shaft: *emerges*

King Durin: If you don’t do what I tell you, our previous falling out will be your best family memory.

Prince Durin: This seems like a lot even for you.

Celebrimbor: Work party! Dwarves and elves! Awkward standing around! Mediocre beverage!

Sauron: Too bad about that First Age wine.

Celebrimbor: ’Tis a loss for the world.

Sauron: You know what will fix it? Rings for Men.

Celebrimbor: Not this again.

Sauron: I already put on a Broadway-level production to convince you. Are we gonna have to upgrade to Vegas?

Celebrimbor: If we give humans anything, it should be something like Xanax.

Sauron: Have to do everything myself around here.

Assistants: We'll help!

Celebrimbor: At what point did I completely lose control of my own ring factory?

Sauron: Probably back when I wandered in wearing Halbrand pyjamas.

Pharazon: If a mob made me king, does this constitute a democracy?

Miriel: We should ask the eagle.

Pharazon: The eagle has already spoken.

Eärien: Dad? You are demoted.

Elendil: This is the kid I’m stuck with.

Miriel: Wow.

Elendil: You should have seen her as a teen.

Dwarf Business Improvement Association: What news, King Durin?

King Durin: I give you magic rings. You give me half your money.

Dwarf Business Improvement Association: This seems like a lot even for you.

King Durin: Dig, motherfuckers! DIG!

Disa: We’re digging too much.

Prince Durin: I thought you wanted him to?

Disa: Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.

King Durin: I’m proud of you, my son!

Prince Durin: You’re right. He’s off his rocker.

Invisible Mirdania: AAAAAAAAH!

Celebrimbor: On the plus side, now we know how to make rings of invisibility.

Visible Mirdania: The unseen world sucks and I want to unsee it! What was that demon?

Sauron: Your boss.

Mirdania: You mean you?

Sauron: Your other boss.

Mirdania: Obviously.

Prince Durin: The ring you gave us is fucked up.

Celebrimbor: Did you fuck up the ring?

Sauron: Is it me who is a lying liar?

Celebrimbor: …No?

Sauron: Is it you perchance?

Celebrimbor: …Yes? Oh god, what do I do?

Sauron: Make more rings.

Celebrimbor: Obviously.

Sauron: Thank god, your prefrontal cortex is no longer working.

Kevin: Guards! Rough up the faithful!

Valandil: Or we could rough up Kevin.

Kevin: *kills Valandil*

Elendil: My son-in-law, everyone.

Kevin: To your chagrin and mine.

Sauron: Can I play with your hair and pretend you are my ex?

Mirdania: You are beautiful, good at smithing and 600 meters tall. You can do whatever you want.

Eregion Industries HR Department: Would you like to report workplace harassment, defined as vexatious conduct that is known or reasonably ought to be known to be unwelcome?

Mirdania: To be perfectly honest, he is welcome to vex me straight into next week. Or next fiscal year, for that matter.

Sauron: Noted.

HR Department: We tried.

Galadriel: A star shines upon me taking you hostage, asshole.

Orc Daddy: Ex-of-Sauron Support Group is now in session.

Galadriel: He’s not my ex!

Orc Daddy: Does the thought bring you relief and regret in vast and equal measure?

Galadriel: Crap. It does.

Orc Daddy: Welcome to the group, Galadriel.

---

More recaps:

Season 2, Episode 1

Season 2, Episode 2

Season 2, Episode 3

Season 2, Episode 4

#rings of power #the rings of power #trop crack #trop season 2 #trop spoilers

Rings of Power Recap - Season 2, Episode 4

ROP Recap S02 E04

Galadriel: You still mad?

Elrond: Affirmative.

Galadriel: And I have to do what you tell me?

Elrond: Affirmative.

Galadriel: And we are going on foot for no particular reason?

Elrond: Affirmative.

Galadriel: Gonna be a long trip to Eregion.

Broken Bridge: Longer than you think.

Homeless Wizard: There’s goats here?

Tom Bombadil: And honey! And soap!

Homeless Wizard: What is soap?

Tom Bombadil: Catch! No, no, don’t eat it.

Tom Bombadil’s Wife: *is evident*

Homeless Wizard: Who else is here?

Tom Bombadil: I could answer but I prefer gaslighting and mind-fuckery.

Sauron: Hey, that’s my thing!

Hobbits: Oh look! Other hobbits!

Other Hobbits: Oh look! Other other hobbits!

Probably Not Saruman’s Minions: Surrender the superfluous hobbits!

Other Hobbits: Our bloodymindedness is inversely proportional to our height.

Minions: And we are helpless before it.

Homeless Wizard: Will you be my Yoda?

Tom Bombadil: Remains to be seen.

Homeless Wizard: Is Sauron my father?

Tom Bombadil: Wrong franchise.

Elrond: Let’s go via the Barrow Downs. In Elvish, they are called “Don’t Go, There Are Wights There.”

Wights: BOO!

Elf #3: Holy shit! There are Wights here!

Elf #4: I would answer but they already ate me.

Galadriel: *stab-stab-stab*

Wights: LOL

Elrond: Actually, you have to use their own weapons.

Galadriel: Nobody likes a pedant, Elrond.

Theo: I don’t know who imprisoned me, but I’m more scared of my co-prisoners.

Isildur: Hang in there, we’re co….

Ent Wife: FUCK! THIS! NOISE!

Isildur: And now a homicidal talking tree. Great.

Ent Wife: I shall smite!

Arondir: *speaks elvish*

Ent Wife: Or I’ll just chill with my ent husband.

Isildur: Wow, that really calmed her down.

Arondir: Elvish is very soothing.

Isildur: It’s the dental fricatives, isn’t it?

Arondir: And the diphthongs.

Galadriel: You still mad?

Elrond: Affirmative.

Galadriel: *ring-induced hallucinations*

Elrond: You just flashed back to Hot Sauron again, didn’t you?

Galadriel: No! Not at all!

Elrond: The lady doth protest too much.

Shakespeare: Has this line been cleared with my estate?

Elf #3: I hear drums.

Elf # 5: Could be a rave.

Elrond: Could be Adar’s army.

Galadriel: Can I go back to being a commander now?

Elrond: I can check with Elf Principal.

Galadriel: Take good care of my precious.

Elrond: You want me to carry your evil jewellery? What about our previous conversations indicates to you that I would find this even remotely acceptable? I don’t want to hallucinate Hot Sauron!

Galadriel: Gotta go! Orcs to stab!

Elf #3: She’s really focused.

Elrond: Eru help us.

Orc Daddy: A star shines upon the hour of our meeting, Lady Galadriel.

Lady Galadriel: Oh fuck.

---

More recaps:

Season 2, Episode 1

Season 2, Episode 2

Season 2, Episode 3

#rings of power #the rings of power #trop crack #trop season 2 #trop spoilers

Rings of Power Recap - Season 2, Episode 3

Berek: Buddy! My human! Where are you?

Orcs: Are you sure you are not a dog?

Berek: Let me offer you my hoof in your gut as evidence.

Oversized Spider: I am not a dog either.

Isildur: If these are local spiders, I don’t want to know local dogs.

Waldreg: No, you really don’t.

Giant Evil Chihuahua: *burp*

Miriel: Emotional Support Elendil? Where are you?

Earien: I am really against her as a potential stepmother.

Numenorian Citizen: *slaps the queen*

Miriel: Hug it out?

Earien: Our family fights will never be the same.

Sketchy Lord: Shall we depose the queen?

Pharazon: Yes, let’s.

Numenorian Citizens: Hey, they are discussing treason in the middle of a pub.

Pharazon: All the better to foment a civil war, my dear.

Earien: If I show you this Palantir I stole, will I get some nice new earrings?

Kevin: With or without magical properties?

Orc Baby: *gurgles*

Entire Worldviews: *collapse*

Prince Durin: Magic rings? Are you serious? Go back to the runway from whence you came.

Sauron: *refrains from dwarvicide*

Celebrimbor: Good job.

Sauron: *refrains from elvicide*

Celebrimbor: I think I am going to spend the afternoon lying to my king about what we are doing.

Sauron: I love that you think this was your own idea.

Former Southland Citizen: Aaaaaah!

Isildur: Do you always start a conversation with stabbing?

Former Southland Citizen: Pretty much, yeah.

Isildur: You guys had problems before the orcs showed up.

Prince Durin: Hug it out?

King Durin: Are you on drugs?

Prince Durin: I’ll be brief. Weird fucker in Eregion. Magic rings. We can get some.

King Durin: Let’s assume that I love you without me saying it.

Prince Durin: Aww, Dad. Consider it assumed.

Isildur: Can I tell you about my childhood trauma?

Former Southland Citizen: I am a woman who grew up in Stabby Land and just escaped from an orc-run Gulag where being branded was just the orientation session. You will not win this trauma competition.

Theo: I too have trauma.

Unknown Attacker: Would you like some more?

Miriel: Time to coronate. Or septre-ate. Whichever.

Divinely Ordained Eagle: MI-RI-EL!

Sketchy Lord: PHA-RA-ZON!

Eagle: MI-RI-EL!

Crowd: PHA-RA-ZON!

Eagle: What the hell. I am speaking perfectly clear Eaglish.

Crowd: PHA-RA-ZON!

Eagle: Fuck this. Eagle out.

Kind Durin: How ‘bout them rings?

Celebrimbor: *grabs mithril*

Sauron: Ahem.

Celebrimbor: Is this the beginning of our struggle for control?

Sauron: I love that you think you had any.

----------

More recaps:

Season 2, Episode 1

Season 2, Episode 2

#rings of power #the rings of power #trop crack #trop season 2 #trop spoilers

Rings of Power Recap - Season 2, Episode 2

Durin Jr.: I miss fancy food.

Disa: At least we are not eating rocks.

Earth: *quakes*

Crop Illumination System: *dies*

Durin Jr.: We are now.

Elf Principal: Commander Galadriel?

Galadriel: Huh?

Elf Principal: You wouldn’t be tripping balls in the middle of a military strategy meeting, would you, Commander?

Galadriel: I was but it won’t stop me from rendering an opinion.

Elf Principal: What did you see?

Galadriel: Sauron eating Celebrimbor for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. And a series of mid-day snacks.

Elf Principal: Nah. Eregion security is the stuff of legend.

Galadriel: So is Celebrimbor’s insecurity.

Elf Principal: Should have invited him to the Rings launch party.

Celebrimbor: Wash-resistant human?

Assistant: Still here.

Celebrimbor: Party invitations from Lindon?

Assistant: Not here.

Celebrimbor: Surely ’tis but an oversight, but just in case I’m going to try and invent the telegraph.

Murdered Messengers from Lindon: You go, dude.

Bulgarian Folk Choir: We are here to indicate mysterious Eastern Otherness.

Probably Not Saruman: Consider it indicated. Any news?

Resurrected Acolyte: No. Homeless Wizard kicked my ass.

Probably Not Saruman: Perhaps I should unresurrect you.

Minion: Permission to slaughter his hobbit friends?

Probably Not Saruman: That would diminish their hostage value, but give it a whirl.

Dwarven Mountain Communication Choir: LAAAAAAA!

Mountain: Nope.

Galadriel: Come with us to check on Celebrimbor.

Elrond: You’re interrupting my occupational therapy.

Galadriel: Talk to me, friend.

Elrond: Considering your other friends, it is a moniker I no longer desire.

Elf Elder: Channel your rage by exerting control.

Galadriel: That sounds kind of Sauronian.

Elrond: Just to be contrary, I’ll go.

Elf Elder: Good call, but promise me you’ll try yoga and meditation.

Homeless Wizard: I found a stick. Should my name be Stick Man?

Minions: Come with us and we’ll sort it out.

Homeless Wizard: *swears in Quenya*

Minions: Wheeee!

Hobbits: Wheeee!

Homeless Wizard: Field notes. Swearing in Quenya raises a hurricane. Will try to swear in Sindarin going forward.

Celebrimbor: Please leave.

Sauron: I have ring intel.

Celebrimbor: Please stay.

Sauron: Eh. I gather I’m not wanted.

Celebrimbor: If you tell me about the rings, I’ll give you dinner.

Sauron: They worked.

Celebrimbor: Was there a party?

Sauron: Yes, but they didn’t invite you because nobody likes you except me.

Celebrimbor: My next move is to get drunk on ancient booze.

Sauron: Or you could make some rings for humans.

Celebrimbor: Don’t tell me what to make.

Sauron: Guess we’ll do this the hard way.

Forge: *bursts into flames*

Divine Light: *illuminates all*

Angelic Choir: Do we have to?

Sauron: Sing, bitches.

Angelic Choir: LAAAAAAA!

Sauron: Have you considered accepting me as your personal saviour?

Celebrimbor: Holy shit, you clean up well.

Sauron: How ‘bout them rings?

Celebrimbor: Sorry, did you say something?

Sauron: *snaps fingers*

Celebrimbor: Ah! Yes! Rings! Circular objects made of metal!

Sauron: I better tone it down if I want his brain to work.

Letter to Dwarves: Lord Celebrimbor requests your presence.

Murdered Messengers from Lindon: Funny how that one went through.

------------------

Recap for Season 2, Episode 1

#the rings of power #rings of power #trop crack #trop season 2 #trop s2 #trop spoilers

Rings of Power Recap - Season 2, Episode 1

*crack content warning in effect* PROLOGUE

Sauron: Team Evil! Our former CEO will be pursuing other projects.

Orcs: Do we get a vacation?

Sauron: As your new CEO, I am implementing a “die so I can enslave the world” program.

Orc Daddy: I’ve been reading up on how to execute a coup d’etât, and we put together a little demo.

Melee: *ensues*

Orcs: *win*

Arda Environmental Advisory Board: Reporting elevated levels of Sauron in the Forodwaith water table.

PRESENT DAY

Rat: I’m thirsty.

Passing Cart Driver: I’m thirsty too.

Discorporeal Sauron: I’m thirsty three.

The World: Oh fuck, here we go.

Re-Corporeal Sauron: Which way to the orcs?

Passing Unlicensed Psychotherapist: We normally go away from them.

Sauron: I’m a bit depressed.

Psychotherapist: Have you heard of the power of positive thinking?

Sauron: I am an evil demigod, and yet you scare me a little.

Psychotherapist: Come on this ship so I can scare you some more.

Eldritch Marine Horror: I’m hangry.

Sauron: I am an evil demigod.

Eldritch Marine Horror: Duly noted. I will eat something else.

Sauron: Can I interest you in a Passing Unlicensed Psychotherapist?

Sauron: I am thirsty again, but all I have is non-liquid stolen insignia.

Sudden Galadriel: I demand a spot on this raft.

Sauron: This is going to be a long incarnation.

—

Elrond: Mr. Principal! Galadriel threw gum in class!

Galadriel: I beg your pardon! Sire, I unwittingly unleashed an evil demigod by harassing him with motivational speeches.

Elf Principal: Anything else?

Galadriel: We did invent these rings…

Elrond: Bad rings!

Elf Principal: Bit above your pay grade. Give me the rings.

Elrond: I wonder what happens if I jump a waterfall.

Elf Principal: I wonder if anyone can invent a sedative.

Sauron: I love what you’ve done with the place.

Orc Daddy: Something about you seems familiar.

Sauron: Come fight elves for me. They’re working with Sauron.

Orc Daddy: And you are?

Sauron: Not Sauron.

Orc Daddy: The next step in our multi-factor authentication requires seeing if you bleed red or not.

Waldreg: Turns out, red.

Orc Daddy: Now click on every square that shows a motorcycle.

Homeless Wizard: I wish I knew the way. I wish I knew my name.

Nori: Mmm, burned cockroach.

Homeless Wizard: I wish there was a McDonald’s.

Elrond: Elf Elder, we made extremely sketchy rings that will surely bring our whole world to enslavement by the greatest evil since we defeated the previous greatest evil.

Elf Elder: I let nothing compromise my chill.

Elrond: I beg you to destroy these rings.

Elf Elder: If that’s what it takes to bring down your blood pressure, kiddo.

Orc Daddy: I’ve decided you are not Sauron. If we were to wash you, you would be much prettier than him.

Sauron: I’ll go find him then.

Orc Daddy: Can you ride a horse after all the beatings?

Sauron: Compared to abdominal sepsis, this was practically a spa.

Elf Principal: I will open this meeting by singing.

Elvendom: This does not bode well.

Elf Principal: We have no choice but to off-shore all operations.

Elf Elder: Actually, we do.

Elrond: You said you would get rid of the rings!

Elf Elder: Well, they seemed kind of precious.

Arda Environmental Advisory Board: Tree disease in Lindon falling back to acceptable parameters.

Elvendom: Phew.

Galadriel: Hah!

Elf Principal: Back to work, everyone.

Elrond: This could have been an email.

Celebrimbor: God, I love having adequate funding.

Assistant: What’s your next project?

Celebrimbor: Given the budget for this furnace, it better be something good.

Sauron: Did someone say “Request For Proposals?”

Celebrimbor: I can't work with someone this averse to showers.

#rings of power #the rings of power #trop spoilers #trop season 2 #trop crack

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