Hyperbole and a Half Sentence Starters
“ I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am not cut out to be a productive member of society.”
“You have no idea how much this would mean to me. I hate pants.”
“Try to use their nostalgia and insecurity over their broken dreams to get them on your side.”
“I wanted to tell you again that I am completely serious, just in case you didn’t believe me.”
“I was a little offended that he had so grossly underestimated my ability to accurately assess pain.”
“My body doesn’t seem to understand that the antibiotics are on its side.”
“Okay then, if you don’t want to fail, I would suggest not dying. Nobody wins if you die.“
“If you are one of those people who is diametrically opposed to change, I am sincerely sorry.”
“I am now somewhat competent to oblige your wishes.”
“Raw stupidity coupled with an unrelenting devotion to my olympic pipe-dream got me out the door.”
“If only I had known what a fickle stroke of luck this was.”
“Only after my hydration status had returned to normal could I see the error of my judgement.”
“When someone who looks like a character from a horror flick asks you to do something, you don’t ask questions.”
“Well, if you ever wondered, calling Poison Control is not nearly as fun as you’d think it would be.”
“No _____, I don’t think you are going to die. You might throw up, though.“
“At 6:00 AM, this kind of behavior is alarming and unnecessary.”
“Are you high? Why would I want you to do that?”
“Let’s just say that if my account balance was a pile of rocks, I would not have a very big pile of rocks.”
“ My moral standards get a little hazy when I am facing this kind of deprivation.”
“I didn’t even mind that I was sitting on a week’s worth of Burger King wrappers.”
“This was completely unnecessary and awkward, but I admired your chivalry.”
“Because of your bravery and quick, instinctive action, I hereby grant you 400 full repetitions of the chorus to "Yellow Submarine” free from my judgement.”
“I am not saying this to be mean, but you seriously sound like a cross between a fog horn and a chainsaw.”
“You smelled like beer-sweat and failure.”
“Why is it that I always rely on old-timer expressions to avoid awkward moments?”
“I used the spatula to scrape off the worst of the mess. It didn’t really work. I just destroyed the spatula too.”
“If I tilted my head just right, I couldn’t even tell that it was irreparably damaged.”
“Sadly, all the ingenuity in the world cannot make up for a total lack of foresight.”
“It was a quadruple-dog dare. I didn’t want to look like a coward.”
“My best efforts at attractiveness only succeeded at making me look vaguely like something you’d see in Cirque de Soleil.”
“I feel thoroughly confident that I have already experienced the rock-bottom of my life.”
“ The ridiculousness of it all is overwhelming.”
“As an __-year-old, I had not yet fully grasped the concept of mortality or how my actions could increase or decrease my likelihood of experiencing it.”
