I think I am a sub, but I cum all the time, is that normal?
A conversation happened on the internet. In the comments, of all places! I’ve preserved a lightly edited version here.
William: sure, why wouldn’t it be?
OP: I get the idea that a sub is just for use & not supposed to want to cum, but I always want to cum.
William: I think you’ve been watching too much porn or reading too much tumblr :p
Hallie: Most people want to cum. Some doms and subs like the idea subs don’t use their dicks, but not most
William: Being a sub is about wanting to surrender some level of control. for some people that can include surrendering control of when they cum. but even guys who allow their cum to be controlled do that because the idea of it makes them horny - they love the internal conflict between wanting to cum and not wanting to disobey.
OP: Yes, a lot of tumblr. And Alphas don’t seem to want betas to ever cum.
Hallie: As an aside, cute pic :)
Hallie: (you would be fun to edge… A lot)
William: haha. Let’s start with this “alphas” thing. In most of the world, an “Alpha” is a submissive - but they’re the dominant submissive in a hierarchy. they’re the dom’s second-in-command; they take commands from the dom but give commands to the other subs.
OP: ty, hattie. That is an example. I got hard instantly & want to cum. Shouldn’t I only want hattie to cum. I do want that, but I want both.
William: It’s hilarious that in the US the guys who want to call themselves ultra-manly men proudly call themselves Alphas.. I think you’re right to say that most men who call themselves “Alpha” and mean “ultra manly man” don’t want “beta” men to cum. But that’s got nothing to do with dom/sub; that’s just homophobic american men being dumb :p There’s a lot more to being a sub than just being abused by an insecure man who wants to prove something
Hallie: I think you should want to cum. Half my fun would be in playing on that; I’d own you body and soul until you get to cum, so I’ll delay your gratification
William: OP, I want to see you down on your knees for us. Don’t take off any of your clothes, just kneel to show us that you’re keen to submit.
William: …. I am guessing that the idea of obeying that request and demonstrating your submissiveness to us probably made you hard again? That right there is a good bit of evidence that you’d enjoy being a sub :p
OP: Dom/sub & Alpha/beta are different?
Hallie: PS what William says makes a lot of sense. I switch, so I’d happily torture with the promise of cumming but keep it just out of reach, be a use when I’m feeling sub I enjoy that. I think for a session cumming would be a rewar d you’d often earn but not always, so there is then a genuine need for obedience and a real desperation. Also, I’d apply post cum torture for extra fun ;-)
OP: Yes, Sir, William, it did, harder I mean. I don’t feel meek, though.
William: and for what it’s worth - when I’m playing with a sub, I often don’t cum. If I do cum, it’s because I choose to cum, not because the sub wants me to cum. “Shouldn’t I only want Hattie to cum?” - no. you should want to please hattie. Whether Hattie cums or not is up to hattie :p
OP: So it is partly sex, but not only that?
Hallie: Control :-) although not as one sided as that sounds… Both parties know the sub has chosen to surrender control and gain pleasure from that
William: There’s overlap between the concepts of “dom/sub” and “alpha/beta”. I’d say that the alpah/beta disticntion is much more absolutist: in that idea space, you are either alpha or you’re beta and there’s little room to move. In the dom/sub space, you can have a dom, an alpha sub, a beta sub… most people who do dom/sub play will end up playing both roles at some point. Personally I mostly dom, but I’ve had some really really really good experiences as a sub
OP: I know a couple on line, they are a reluctant Dom & a wanna-be sub. Sometimes they add a third & call him a boy & the ‘sub’ bosses & fucks him. Is that sort of it, hattie & william?
Hallie: What William touched on earlier is important; a tumblr feed etc is usually selling a story, so the idea that those people are always there being used all the time, that they are completely submissive etc… It’s hot, but in r eality most have day jobs and entirely different personas they use with other friends, at work etc; those tumblr feeds are the roles they take while they play, how true they are outside of that varies hugely
William: “partly sex, but not only that?” - yep. for me, being the dom is about making you feel safe and comfortable and excited and nervous in a way that lets me grab control of your attention and start pushing your mind where I wan t it to go. “I don’t feel meek, though.” some of my favorite subs are the ones who are always pushing back, always trying to resist, always trying to turn the tables and get control of the situation… you don’t have to be meek to be sub missive :) I would much rather play with an assertive sub - one who knows what they like and what turns them on and what turns them off, and is able to have an open discussion about how things are going for them and what they need more/l ess of.
William: And to add to Hallie adding to what I said- when I said “no. you should want to please hattie. Whether Hattie cums or not is up to hattie :p” that’s an example of “selling a story”. The reality is that for some subs, it’s re ally important that their dom cums. I play with some of those and I make an effort to cum for them. For other subs, just folding my laundry is enough to get them rock hard and going home in a haze of happiness. If you really want your do m to cum, you’ll enjoy yourself more with a dom who is going to cum.
Hallie: I love games, so having a sub that wants to win is fun. As a sub, I get really conflicted if I actually win much, but the doms set the rules of the game so in the end it only gets worse for me and I love that. Having a third person adds in a chance for the sub to 'win’ but still be second to the dom. Or a third can witness the subs humiliation…
William: “Sometimes they add a third & call him a boy & the 'sub’ bosses & fucks him. ” Yeah that sounds like an example. There are many ways that could play out - you could see the “sub” from the couple being an “alpha sub”; or you could see it as the dom giving his sub a toy to play with. But that’s all at the “play” level: on another level, this is two people who love each other and want to be happy together negotiating a way they can find ways to get things they enjoy
Hallie: William, I love the idea of a dedicated Laundry sub who enjoys it that much
OP: I feel lucky both of you answered. So, it is not just cut & dried that one is boss & the other is slave. It sounds more complicated, but better. It depends on the two people involved? I am not expected to know automatically what to do? I want to be essential to someone, but not just for sex. That is all it is on tumblr.
William: “ It depends on the two people involved? ”. No. It depends on the people involved. Why limit it to two? ;)
William: “ I am not expected to know automatically what to do?” Fuck no.
William: “ want to be essential to someone, but not just for sex.” Don’t we all? :p
OP: Oh, sorry, guess I’m showing how backward I am.
William: We all start off with limited knowledge. What matters is that you’re asking questions and interested in learning :)
Hallie: Well, alot of the stuff here is pretty kinky. Its easy to think everyone does all this stuff all the time. Porn can be misleading like that too. Of course you have to find out stuff as you go along and the most important thin g is what the people you’re playing with are after, cus then you all have fun… Well, I think fun is the right word :p
