journal entries

just a sad girl seeking attention

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So do mermaids just have neck muscles of steel or what… so like they swim horizontally and, when relaxed, their necks are in position for their heads and eyes to be looking downward. So to see where they’re going they have to crane their necks up. That just seems unrealistic… no animal would evolve with that anatomy, it’s not ideal.

The options are:

1. They have shark heads

2. They have crab eyeballs that stick out of their heads

3. Their neck would connect at a different part of their head so that in a relaxed position they would be looking upwards. Then when they’re in vertical position they can crane their necks accordingly.

The first two options change how we define mermaids in general and the third is also awkward.

The last option, and my least favorite, is that mermaids aren’t real.

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I made more bread. Maple bacon. Yuh.

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No yeah for sure be sunny only when I’m working that’s great thanks.

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Finally peer pressured enough to watch Donnie Darko and I shoulda seen it sooner of course. So good. Yk what else was good? Hamnet. I was sobbing.

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Behold. Belinda.

Finally got a Dutch oven. It’s not like open bake doesn’t work it’s just easier to get enough steam with a Dutch oven. I’ll make my first inclusion loaf soon.

I wish I could die btw what the hell is even life bro.

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NOTHING in this world brings me joy like watching the Sabres beat the Lightning AGAIN.

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I love the end of the regular season… what do you mean the Canucks beat the Avs 8-6 and Rangers beat Caps 8-1? They’re MAD.

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Drunk thoughts

Im at a bar and im looking around at people. Theres a woman by herself scrolling through her camera roll and looking intensely at what seems to be close ups of house exteriors. Boards and panels and what not. She’s so interested in it. And I started narrating to myself what it was like watching her do this… and the voice in my head sounded a lot like something I would read in a book. And it became clear how easy it is to write a book. These motherfuckers just write gibberish about what they observe and call it poetry.

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end ittttt

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ok pet peeve:

when people are idling in their cars when it’s dark out and they leave they’re headlights on. why the hell are they on. it’s dark out. shut the fuck up.

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I had such an ass weekend. It was a friends wedding and it was in another state and I literally paid for a room at the hotel she was getting married at and ended up spending both nights in my friends separate hotel because I just didn’t want to be around so many people. I didn’t wanna go to the wedding in general I was just so tired and it took so much energy and time and money and took over my rare three day weekend. I went to sleep drunk Sunday, woke up drunk Saturday, kept getting drunk during breakfast and lunch, then got more drunk at the wedding that evening. Then woke up drunk again. And now I’m at work again at 5:30am. And I have to do this all week. Every week. Every damn week.

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look at the sky look at the sky

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I hate dresses

My friends didn’t have time for me this weekend and that’s fine you know it happens…. Whatever. Those bitches.

And I had to go shopping anyway because I’m going to a wedding and dress shopping feels like the end of the world to me. Dresses look horrible on me because Im fat. And also because most dresses are fugly as hell. Im not a dress person. Maybe if I was skinny I’d be a dress person but I don’t even think I’d like them much as a skinny person.

I have plans to go dress shopping tomorrow with a friend but I just knew I’d be so embarrassed to reveal the dark reality of dress shopping for someone of my build, so I went beforehand. I got the damn dress, it’s disgustingly mid. Whatever. I don’t want anyone paying attention to me in a dress anyway so the more average it is the better.

My plan for this wedding is to get drunk, dance, eat bad wedding food and fall asleep in my makeup.

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18,000 penguins fans just watched in person as CALGARY beat them. CALGARY.

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I HATE MEN

What do you even call this kind of man… I’ve met him before.

It’s the guy that needs to make eye contact with everyone and needs to be acknowledged and smiled at and revered. And when you don’t say hi to him he says hi so that you have to choose between ignoring him and awkwardly saying it back. And of course he’s happy with either. If you ignore him, you look like the bad guy. If you say hi, he got you to give in and he wins.

Off the top of my head there are three men at work that I do everything I can do avoid. One of them loves to tell me “as a joke” that I’m not a morning person EVERY MORNING. Another acts like he’s the coolest, funniest guy alive and demands that everyone in the room stop what they’re doing and cater to him. The other, I hate to say, craves female attention. He’s just the kind of guy that will have a hard time dating anyone and he is so obsessed with women it’s creepy.

I actively ignore these guys. They talk to me, I will literally walk away and ignore them. They sit next to me and I literally get up and leave the room entirely. I am not subtle at letting them know I do not want to interact with them on any level. And they refuse to take the hint. They see the hint, they won’t take it.

They see that they irritate me, that I’m uncomfortable, and they are relentless.

WHAT. IS. THAT.

WHY WONT THEY LEAVE ME ALONE. IS IT THAT THEIR MALE EGOS JUST WONT LET THEM BE IGNORED? IS IT SOME POWER PLAY THAT I CANT FORCE THEM TO DO ANYTHING? IS IT JUST RAGING NARCISSISM?? IS IT THAT THEY WANT ME TO COME OUT RIGHT AND TELL THEM TO LEAVE ME ALONE SO THAT THEY CAN BLAME ME FOR THE TENSION????? WHY CANT THEY JUST FUCK OFF?????

Most of my best friends are guys. And I love them to death but I also hate them. They are also just so…. male. And it’s okay when they’re just friends but I don’t know how I’ll ever want to DATE one. I have never, not once, had romantic feelings for a man. I know I’m attracted to them on a superficial level. But I genuinely believe I have a hatred towards all men. And a not so quiet voice in my head is telling me I know exactly why that is. And DING DING DING- childhood trauma takes the win AGAIN.

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My salad consisted of lettuce, chicken, cilantro, tomato, bell pepper, cucumber, parmesan, and a cilantro lime dressing. I would not recommend this salad.