shit my boyfriend says

direct quotes, taken down in the archive of my humor memory and posted for you all

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

I'd ear fuck that

Talking about Lola Bunny in Space Jam.

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

I like to think of pandas as really aloof puritans

Like they think of things like fucking and they just have this very visceral "NO" reaction

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

Good, I can get rid of my Grindr, which is great, cuz I've been getting dick pics all day and I hate it. I didn't realize how bad women had it.

I mean, how do you respond to that? How do you start a conversation after that? It has to be about the dick and that's just not fun. I heard women complain about it and I thought that'd suck but wow.

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

'5 o'clock somewhere' was my spirit animal

He's stopped drinking, but for a long time this was his motto

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

I'm not knocking you up before we get pregnant

He meant before we get married

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

I'm not the most lovable individual, or the smartest, but I'm YOUR individual

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

Luscious Malfoy looks like a shitty version of the elf in Lord of the Rings

... Legolas? Yeah! He looks like Legolas' deadbeat brother!!

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

Tonsils are the appendix of the mouth

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

Any comparison I can draw between myself and that beautiful stallion of a man.

Because he acts like Maui from Moana, and loves Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Our roommate thinks their singing voices are similar, but I say he sounds more like the Mountain Goats.

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

"I forgot my roommate was Danny DeVito,"

-our roommate, in reference to Boyfriend's meat sweats.

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

Most underrated movie of the century: Daddy Daycare

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

My new favorite word is minge

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

Never said I was perfect, just said I was me!

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

She's like my Fairy Weed Mama!!

"Call me Momma Cash" - the Fairy Weed Mama

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

She's hot in the same way Moaning Myrtle is hot.

I'm engaged and I've found the one for me, but that doesn't mean that I can't acknowledge Moaning Myrtle was hot At least he said "was" the second time

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

I had to make a serious decision about whether or not to bring my Legos with me when we moved into the apartment

[quotesboyfriend-blog]

Take a plastic fork. No, take a slotted spoon!

You mean a spork? It is a slotted spoon.