BulbaScrewed

[rachel-satchel]

Sometimes (not all the time) i think of how my exes are doing right now and i just..........laugh.

[rachel-satchel]

to those who left me this year on a bad note, stay in that shit ass year 2016. don’t even bother coming back. fuck you. 

ok all done this concludes my crap ass confession series

[rachel-satchel]

i’m surrendering to the last 3 confessions i was planning to write. they’re the ones i’ve been dreading. really tried to get a word out but i’m speechless and i’m drunk and i’m exhausted

[rachel-satchel]

2011-current

this one’s gonna be hard for me to write. i don’t know where to start. i don’t know if this is worth a confession, but i think writing it down will help make some sense of it.

friends for 5 years, roommates for 2 years, coworkers for 2 years. it’s sad that we’ve drifted so far apart. there was virtually no drama between us. we went from seeing each other everyday to hardly acknowledging each other on social media. no text since my brief visit in september. 

moving back home has done me some devastating, mind-boggling things. it’s made me question our friendship lately. it’s hard to accept that nearly all my college friendships are formed out of convenience and not meant to last long after graduation. i hate to admit that this is one of them. 

we know for a fact that a certain roommate has caused us to drift. maybe we’ve had internalized differences we were too afraid to open up about and this distance is revealing all the weak spots in our friendship. it’s supposedly “natural” to feel this way after graduation, but it doesn’t feel natural to me.

maybe i’m the problem. maybe i’m jealous because you and that roommate of ours are closer than ever because of our falling out. maybe because i keep imagining all the nasty things that roommate would say because he’ll have nothing good to say about me anymore. maybe i’m tired of watching you pretend to be happy on social media while you pile yourself with endless work and continually complain about it in private. maybe i’ve stopped trying because i hate myself and i don’t deserve a decent friendship.

sorry i made the choice to move home and dissociate. i know there were times when you probably needed my moral support these past few months. but what good is my support anyway. you have your sorority sisters and your housemates and a thousand followers on instagram. stop taking them for granted.

sorry it’s not the same anymore. the most i can do is passively exist on social media. being reminded of my past hurts, especially as of recently. it’s painful when i go through old instagram posts and snapchat stories. you were a huge part of it. 

i’ll let you know when i’m mentally ready. to actively support you like i thought i did in college. i hope we’ll return back to normal one day. i hope it’s more possible than i believe it is.

[rachel-satchel]

2007-2011

hahahahahahahahahahah crap

it all makes sense now.

just realized that our friendship ended after i started a relationship with someone unstable and abusive. also the same time i got admitted to your dream school and you didn’t. also the same time i realized that you, too, were pretty abusive and keeping me from achieving my best. 

yea i get it we were close. i tagged along when you had no one else to sit with at lunch. we had a million trips to universal. we wrote each other sweet nothings in our yearbooks. you bought me the hamburger phone from juno for my birthday. we had our own “burn book” and roasted the shit out of people we hated in middle school. i still have that burn book. should’ve lent it to you so you can devote the rest of the pages to me.

sorry i broke all those promises. i made you think that i was a life long friend. sorry i left you without saying a single word. but i didn’t need you as a friend. i became my own person. but you blocked me on facebook so i can’t tell if you’ve become your own person or not. but i wish you the best and i hope you’ve grown up.

[rachel-satchel]

2012-???

umm. i don’t even know if you’re worth a confession? i used you, you used me, we’re not significant in each other’s lives anymore. our personalities are on opposite sides of the spectrum, so there really is no motivation to even try to understand either side?

on a less relevant note, if you knew you were just a rebound, you could’ve spared me some time and energy to figure myself out before i go out there and hurt myself. 

oh and...you talk too much. 

lol i should not have written this *eye roll*

[rachel-satchel]

i don’t even want to make more than half of these confessions. mostly because i don’t even want to face the truth. it physically sickens me that i have but no choice but to admit it. might as well fight through the denial before midnight.

[rachel-satchel]

2012-current

I have THE STRANGEST friendship with you. We are far from compatible and i can barely count how much we have in common on one hand, but it means something that we still make an effort to stay in each other’s lives. Opening up to you isn’t the easiest thing in the world, and because our needs don't quite align when the time comes, i feel like an inconvenience. I feel like less of a person. Like the expectations of one another in our heads does not match up at all, and that's what i believe causes us the most tension. Sometimes i wish we didn’t like each other and act on our feelings. I wish it didn’t affect our relationship on the dance team because for me it just felt like i was clenching my butthole for the entirety of that semester. Sometimes i wish we didn’t hook up. But…….i’m kinda glad we did. Fooling around with you was so much fun. Despite our history of intimacy, we had our deep moments. Those mean the most to me and i will be thankful for it til the day i die. You’ve given me a new meaning to turnips and the importance of putting yourself first every now and then. All we do together is drink and go clubbing, but i believe our friendship is more than that. I admire the way you care for people close to you, mostly because it’s different than how i would care for someone. However way you care about me whether i notice at all or not, thanks for being a part of my life 😌

[rachel-satchel]

I have confessions on queue

But there are some that i am just DREADING to make. Like my heart is racing and i'm feeling numb just thinking about it. I'm going to save those for last.

[rachel-satchel]

2011-2014

Sorry i’m not sure where to begin with this one. Since i disappeared from your life I never gave it enough thought. I guess it’s shitty enough for me to leave you without a single word, but you are too immature and insecure to deserve a rightful departure. You attack the people who love you and you’re abusing your boyfriend. You give out notes in class and make google docs and expect people to owe you something. You do EVERYTHING for your personal gain. You ask your boyfriend to buy you a $300 michael kors purse then ask him to give it to the girl he used to date because he bought her dinner at mcdonalds (lmao). You put people down to make yourself feel better. You talk shit about me (but not that i care) and people who don’t deserve it. You’ve threatened a friend of mine to where she wanted to kill herself. I would’ve made the choice to stay, but i can only handle too much negativity from one person. The friendship was poison from the start and i knew that, but i wasn’t strong enough to leave. I’d stay but you’re too stubborn to listen to me. Maybe i just don’t care enough. Whatever reason, I’m sure you’re not aware of how damaging you are to the people around you, and even more to yourself. That’s sad. God i hope you learn. You need jesus.

[rachel-satchel]

2011-current

Throughout the years our friendship wasn't perfect. Feelings happen naturally and it can cause tension when the feelings aren't mutual, but enough time has passed and we are in different places in our lives. We're out of our comfort zones now and seeing each other every once in a while is a breath of fresh air. I couldn't be more thankful for our friendship despite its imperfections. Specifically the nights i don't remember with the people i won't forget™. Thanks to you, peach ciroc will never be the same to me. We've shared a million inside jokes and my time in college would never be the same without you in it. Oh and thank you for lending me your room in la mesa. I appreciate it👌🏼 i appreciate you😜

[rachel-satchel]

2016-current

The day we met was a blur. It was the night i got in a car accident and one of my closest friends became my worst enemy. I lament that night so so so much, but 7 months later something clicked inside of me and now i’ve realized that that night happened for a reason. We still barely know each other, but for some reason i feel so strongly about you. We have very limited means of communicating with each other but every time we talk, time feels so fleeting. I believe i could learn so much from you and i think you are fucking incredible. You may be the only reason why i would ever choose to move back to san diego. But i hope you realize that i am a directionless mess. I have no job and i’ve lost all the spark i had when i graduated. I’m not ready to commit myself to anything serious and it pains me that i’m falling for you at such a low time in my life. But for some reason your kindness and your words awaken every cell in my body. You actually make me want to…….be the better me. No matter where we end up in life, no matter what you define “this,” whether we end up together or not, i don't want this special connection to go to waste. I'm tired of watching people leave because of what could have been and why it never worked. I hope as i keep getting to know you that we'll end up where we need to be in our lives. I only wish that to the special people in my life, and for someone i've only met in person once, you are pretty damn special.

[rachel-satchel]

2015-current

Thanks so much for staying friends with me! Our first encounter was pretty fateful and nothing has been the same in our lives ever since. At one point in our friendship it did get weird for a little bit, but thankfully it isn’t anymore. That day i messaged you made all the difference and now it’s almost like we were never…awkward😂 No matter how busy you are with life, you still manage to take time to message me and hang out. That means so much! It’s great to have such a caring mature and intelligent friend like you. And talented. Like wow for someone a few years younger than me, you have accomplished more than i ever have in my whole life, so much that i, the older friend, actually look up to you. I’ve learned so much from you since the start of our friendship. Even if our mutual friends don’t get along, i’m thankful that we still do and can put our differences aside. You deserve all the best in life!

[rachel-satchel]

12/29/2016

reaching the end of a calendar year always leaves me in a period of self reflection and contemplation. i can always tell how shitty or eventful a certain year is by the impression i’m left with every goddamn december 31st. immediately i know exactly how i feel about this year, and it’s mostly negative without surprise. 

i catch myself too often holding my word from certain people in fear of ruining my friendships with them, but in itself, it is an act of self-sabotage to keep my feelings to myself. part of me says “let sleeping dogs lie. that friendship was doomed from the beginning” and the other says “just fucking say it, you can salvage your ego to save this friendship no matter what the cost”. damned if i do, damned if i don’t. i’ll do this for my fucking self because it might kill me if i don’t.

for the last few days of 2016 i will be posting a string of brutally honest and not-so-gentle confessions directed at people i’m close with/used to be close with. not every confession will be negative. i need a non judgmental and ambiguous audience so i thought i might just post it here because no one comes around here anyway these days. i’m doing this whether 0 or 5000 people read this. if you are judgmental, lucky you. judge the shit out of me, you know, for your own pleasure.

[just-shower-thoughts]

When you say ‘together’ your lips don’t touch, but when you say ‘apart’ they do

[setheverman]

When you say ‘aaaaah’ your lips don’t touch, but when you say ‘babababa’ they do

[juliandraxlerfans]

@hal8_26: ☺️☺️☺️   #juliandraxler #draxler #jd10 #wolfsburg #vflwolfsburg #training #270916

[quotemadness]

We are all ordinary. We are all boring. We are all spectacular. We are all shy. We are all bold. We are all heroes. We are all helpless. It just depends on the day.

Brad Meltzer (via quotemadness)