virtual reality.

writing for fun

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

that girl

Is it sad that I send the same joke to all my group chats? get hurt when not even my mother responds or reacts  I send out a “hey how are you?” and I never hear back  crawl into bed a reject whose best friend is a cat

I hate to admit that these finger pricks feel like a gun  A half-second pause in your voice? i’ve heard enough Any feedback’s an attack that i’ll replay for months  A slip of the tongue and i’ll end things before they’ve begun

But if i was a girl who could pull off a pink baby tee  there’s no way that those little stones could ever break me  Iced coffee black and some new mary janes on her feet If i was that girl, then nothing could ever phase me 

A perfectly curated instagram carousel  A quick trip to europe, the caption: “there’s no ice in hell”  Luck follows her to a thrift store, she finds a Chanel  A magnetic force, just one word and you’re under her spell 

Oh, I wish I was that girl Come watch me as I twirl Oh, if I was that girl I'd take over the whole damn world 

If i was a girl who could pull off a pink baby tee  There’s no way that i’d ever cry about anything   Cherries in summer, picked from her very own tree  If I was that girl, then nothing could ever phase me 

Oh, i’ll never be that girl You’ll never watch me twirl Oh, I’ll never be that girl And that girl won’t ever be me

Oh, I’ll never be that girl You’ll never watch my twirl I’ll never be that girl   But that girl won’t ever be me

She’ll never sing what I sing... 

Cause if I was a girl who could pull off a pink baby tee  I wouldn’t have written this song, or maybe a thing  I can’t have that shirt but i have my words and that has to count for something  Sure, I’ll never be that girl But that girl won’t ever be me 

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

If love's left the room

The silence feels different in the backseat  my father’s face, my mom’s energy  please don’t tell me   we left love behind

Every sentence feels like a chore his words so pointed, her eyes declare war please don’t tell me you forgot to be kind 

What happened to dancing? Did you lose the beat?  I’ll put on your song, let it play on repeat  cause the person you loved is the person in front of you 

But if love’s left the room, i’ll understand if you go too 

Inside this home feels more like a grave  a permanent winter with no saturdays  please don’t tell me  the sun never shines 

He’s packing his bags for a “cross country trip”  I see her eyes darken, she tightens her fist please don’t tell me  everything’s fine 

What happened to laughing? I’ll tell you a joke  I believe i can fix this and i still have hope  cause the person you loved is the person in front of you 

I used to watch you two dance under the stars   going out friday nights, holding hands in the car  now all that you’re holding’s a grudge that you just can’t let go 

Well, I know it’s been decades and let-downs add up  but i wish that you’d try to remember what was  cause the person you loved is the person in front of you 

See, the person you loved is the person in front of you 

But if love’s left the room, i’ll understand if you go too 

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

Turn It Off

I’ve seen this movie I hate this part  Privileged sad girl singing all alone and thinks it’s art Life’s so unfair What else is new?  Everyone is on vacation but I can’t leave my room

Guess maybe that’s why I laugh instead  Turning hurt into a tight five when i’m inside my head  I keep my cool Oh wait, it’s gone  Praying that they didn’t see my face,  fuck, the camera’s on 

I’ve never been good at anything unless you count being embarrassing  I’ve seen this movie  How do I turn it off? 

Look in the mirror  then look away  Don’t think my hair or skin have ever had a good day I tried the creams they made it worse I tried to dream, it didn’t pan out and I got hurt

Guess maybe it's best I stay inside  There’s nothing worse than other people seeing you try  Talk to my walls  I hear them say  you know these posters aren't your friends, right, girl are you okay?  I’ve never been good  at anything unless you count being embarrassing  I’ve seen this movie  How do I turn it off? 

Put yourself out there  Stay inside  You look so pretty Uh, are you high?  Just say hello  They’ll just say goodbye  Go to the party  I’d rather die 

I’ve seen this movie  How do I turn it off? How do i turn it off?  How do i turn it off? I’ve seen this movie Please turn it off.

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

My Naivety

You called me crazy last night in my dream How are you throwing insults at me in my sleep? You're nothing but once you were everything  Back when you stole my naivety 

I hung out with your friends who made fun of my hair Pretended to smoke but I never inhaled I had your portrait hung up proudly on my wall  But you didn’t care at all

My biggest crime was I believed  before you stole my naivety  My naivety 

When you were lying, I’d make it my truth  You’d cross a million lines but I’d still worship you My feet would bleed from those heels that I hate  Running toward you but you’d never wait

I painted my nails the color that you like  Hoping ruby red would prevent a fight I put on my highest voice and make myself so small But you didn’t care at all

My biggest crime was I believed  before you stole my naivety  My naivety 

I wanted to cry You were getting high I brought the cake You brought the knife 

I prayed for change You stayed the same I asked for sun You made it rain Then said you did it for me... My biggest crime was I believed... Such naivety 

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

World of Hurt

I lay in bed Staring at the ceiling, it collapses overhead 

I kiss your mouth Then i’m at your funeral, putting you in the ground 

I start from zero then go to the worst  Creating this big, wide world of hurt 

Where I cook on the stove and my house catches fire I hit the road with a knife in my tire Open the door, there’s a man with a mask I’m out at the store and it’s under attack Where infectious disease is in the air that I breathe And everything is slowly killing me… In my world of hurt  

I call my mom Convince myself that each ring has set off an atomic bomb

I fall asleep Peaceful on the pillow, but I’m dreaming of world war three 

I start from zero then go to the worst  Creating this big, wide world of hurt 

Where I cook on the stove and my house catches fire I hit the road with a knife in my tire Open the door, there’s a man with a mask I’m out at the store and it’s under attack Where infectious disease is in the air that I breathe And everything is slowly killing me… In my world of hurt  

When we’re hanging out Just know you’re dead to me When we’re on the couch Know it’s a tragedy   If you still want to love me Just know that I'm cursed When you ask what i’m thinking Know it’s the worst In my world of hurt 

I touch your hair And think about how one day you will not be there In my world of hurt… In my world of hurt

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

Dinner Tonight

I wake up at war with  the girl in the mirror  my hair never full  my skin never clear 

I think it’s day 5,000 of picking me apart cursing the scale  and changing in the dark

I wish I could see what you’ve done for me healing all my wounds and each scrape on my knee  I’m sorry i’m late, but I want to make it right Why don’t we start with dinner tonight?

I lay in my bed  waiting for sleep but my mind’s going over all i’ve had to eat 

I’m crying in dressing rooms  picking my scars  counting each calorie taking it too far 

I wish I could see what you’ve done for me  swimming through the ocean and climbing the trees I’m sorry i’m late, but I want to make it right Why don’t we start with dinner tonight?

Oh, what I could’ve done with all the time I spent playing the hunger games  trying a new cleanse 

All of this brain space  just to be thinner  Give me my mind back  i’ll take you to dinner 

I’m sorry i’m late but I want to make it right and we can start with dinner tonight  Well, i’m sorry i’m late  but I want to make it right and it all starts with dinner tonight 

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

Thanks for Listening

I write songs but no one listens  I write poems no one reads  A secret show with just one ticket  these words are dancing just for me 

Oh, is this self doubt or sweet wisdom?  to play for no one but the sun  Don’t need the oohs and aahs of others  at my eternal party of one 

My imperfect poetry, I write you in invisible ink My pitchy melodies, I sing at the lowest frequency  but if you can hear me... thanks for listening 

The thrill of writing a new sentence  dreaming up syllables that sing  Don’t need a chorus line behind me  I found a friend in all these keys 

Oh, is this self doubt or sweet wisdom?  I tell myself don’t overthink I pour out my soul to these four walls give them all of my secrets to keep

My imperfect poetry, I write you in invisible ink My pitchy melodies, I sing at the lowest frequency  but if you can hear me... thanks for listening 

Am I moving forward or standing still?  Is it fear of failing or am I chill?  I tell myself it’s not that deep  so I play in secret just for me 

But if you can hear me... Oh, if you can hear me... If you can hear me... thanks for listening  

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

The Spider In My Room

I meet myself when the sun goes down  and I take off this costume My true reflection in the mirror and the spider in my room 

It’s here I don’t need to pretend  to like indie films or tea  I fill my cup with what I want  and cheers to the spider and me  Oh, I whisper to the moon I fear no one really knows me like the spider in my room

I meet myself when the sky goes black and I take off my perfume Just me, my thoughts, the evening air  and the spider in my room 

It’s here I don’t need to pretend  to be caught up on tv  I pick a movie from my mind  and play for the spider and me  Oh, I whisper to the moon I fear no one really knows me like the spider in my room

I dance off beat, skip down the hall  I write my poems, sing my songs  I take a bow and hear applause  from the spider on my wall  As my head hits the pillow I whisper to the moon I fear no one really knows me like the spider in my room

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

Unreliable Narrator

I make up these stories in my mind Turn you into someone you wouldn’t recognize  The idea of you  has become my truth 

I remember things that have never happened  Real or not, I can hardly keep track and  Lost count of all the days I lost inside the maze 

I go to places I know don’t exist  This world in my head that you’ll never visit  I'm an author of stories, queen exaggerator  I’m an unreliable narrator

I go to a party and I have the best time  I come home and think that I’ve ruined my whole life  That silly thing I said it follows to me to bed 

The hoops that I jump through to make you the villain  Think you’re out to get me, you’re literally chillin  How dare you be so mean  when you don’t do anything 

I play movies inside of my mind  A theater of regrets, mistakes and spite  I'm an author of stories, queen exaggerator  I’m an unreliable narrator

Have you heard about the girl who got lost inside her mind? She couldn’t tell the story straight  even if she tried  They call her miss-leading,  queen exaggerator  She’s an unreliable narrator

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

My Dad Says I'm Special

I sit here with my dread  dress it up like a friend  hit the town in my head  to kill some time 

I curl up with my words hold tight and make them hurt  say it’s what I deserve for all my crimes

My dad says i’m special  i’m just like the others  My mom says i’m glowing i’ve lost all my color  My friends say forever  but they’ll end up leaving  My boy says i’m pretty  he has trouble seeing  Will I ever believe it?

I live with resentment a freeloading tenant was once just a visit now I share my home  

I craft an excuse and   water down the truth then hope it goes down smooth I’m sure they know

My dad says i’m special  i’m just like the others  My mom says i’m glowing i’ve lost all my color  My friends say forever  but they’ll end up leaving  My boy says i’m pretty  he has trouble seeing  Will I ever believe it? 

I argue with myself  but I never win I say I’m doing good but the doubt’s creeping in I try to drown it out but these walls are thin Now it’s in my room  and it happens again

And it says...

My dad says i’m special  i’m just like the others  My mom says i’m glowing i’ve lost all my color  My friends say forever  but they’ll end up leaving  My boy says i’m pretty  he has trouble seeing  Will I ever believe it?

I sit here with my dread  dress it up like a friend   hit the town in my head  to kill some time 

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

Sick of Summertime

The days are getting long More time to think of what went wrong  In this hot haze all I see  is our legs sticking to leather seats 

Oh summer, what a bummer  Give me spring or any other 

The rain sings me little songs The sun has only done me wrong The green grass and clear blue skies make me want to run and hide I know that I’ll be fine but I’m so sick of summertime 

The air is getting thick  flashback to when it felt like this  The distance between us Our future plans collecting dust 

Oh summer, what a bummer  Give me fall or any other 

The rain sings me little songs The sun has only done me wrong The green grass and clear blue skies make me want to run and hide I know that I’ll be fine but I’m so sick of summertime 

I don’t want a vacation  I just want a conversation I wait for an explanation on our one-season intoxication

How dare the sun still shine  after losing you in summertime

Yeah, I know that I’ll be fine... when it's no longer summertime 

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

Endless Loop

Good morning, you missed it There’s chaos ensuing We’re here to remind you  what strangers are doing 

You try to escape it It's right in your pocket  It’s 24 hours  and you’ll never stop it 

I'm in an endless loop  of he said, she said, who even are you? Oh, I guess i’ll never know who started this fight on just some random’s post  No, not this again I open the app and  there’s dread, my old friend 

Good evening, you missed it  The whole world is burning Conspiracies theories  are facts we’re all learning 

You try to escape it It's right in your pocket  Those shoes that you glanced at  won’t stop til you bought it 

I’m in an endless loop  of he said, she said, who even are you?  Oh, we met 10 years ago  at somebody’s wedding now they like my posts for the rest of all time  or at least until  one of us dies 

Happy birthday everyone who has ever existed  Congratulations everyone  who has married their best friend 

Everyone’s pretty Now I feel shitty  This is supposed to be fun What is my purpose?  Now I feel nervous I take a picture of my lunch 

I'm in an endless loop of he said, she said, who even are you? I’m an endless loop an endless endless endless endless...  Oh no,  not this again I open the app and  there’s dread, my old friend 

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

Two-Way Street

It’s been so long, I feel so awful  I’d pay to know your favorite novel  My closest friend, now worlds apart   Can’t bring myself to ask how you are 

Nothing happened, no tragedy Time and space just did their thing 

Now I feel haunted on this two-way street  I've hit a dead end, and I’m left here to think  Do you drive the same car?  Do you still hate the heat?  And when you wake up, do you think of me? 

Those summer days, we spent together  Tell me have you found something better? A butterfly, i think of you  Our dumb idea for matching tattoos 

I fill my days, and you fill yours  We’re both so busy, I’m sure... I’m sure 

Now I feel haunted on this two-way street  I've hit a dead end, and I’m left here to think  Do we watch the same shows?  Do you still like to sing? And when you lie down, do you think of me? 

1,000 miles  I’m states away  Another time zone Too late to say ‘hey” 

Years go by What’s another fifteen? I’m sure I’ll see you in my memories 

Now I feel haunted on this two-way street  I've hit a dead end, and I’m left here to think  Will you ever call me?  Would I just let it ring? Will I always wonder if you think of me

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

The Party's Over

It hasn’t been said enough  you ruin lives Never got mine  but I know you tried 

Saw an old picture of me  and I got depressed  Having the time of my life  but soon I’d forget 

Think that night was good or I could’ve lost my temper I don’t remember…  I’ll never remember

Taking shots at a party  seemed so fun  I always promised  it would just be one 

When I start to miss you I think of the times that you stole my spirit  and sold me bad wine 

My memories faded  forever into darkness  And that’s been the hardest… That’s been the hardest Back when I craved you  like a moth to a flame  It was 5pm somewhere  and I’m screaming your name 

Wanted something new but it all felt the same  Waited to be happy that hour never came 

So I left the bar  without a drink in my hand When the party was over My life began 

It hasn’t been said enough  you ruin lives Never got mine  but I know you tried 

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

Introvert’s Dream

Hello to the three people who know me I love you dearly  Wanna hang?

I have a problem making new friends  Who are you again? Oh right… hey 

I’m better in a letter than speaking face to face  I just need some time Do you have 90 days?

I’ve got nowhere to go I’ve got no one to see  I’m busy living the introvert’s dream

Conversation is a sport eye contact makes me sweat Did I say that out loud or was that just in my head? 

My favorite kind of party is a party of one My favorite place to be  is at home watching reruns 

Cancel all of my plans for the day and the week I’m busy living  the introvert’s dream 

Please don’t call my phone unannounced Give me some notice 3 weeks out 

I write words down so effortlessly  But I can’t say them if you look at me 

I’m staying in tonight I’ve got big plans with me  I’m busy living  the introvert’s dream 

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

Feel Like Me

I changed my haircut again Maybe now I’ll feel like me I’m just trying to be at home in this god-given body

I read my horoscope It promised glitz and glam Success is in the cards I missed my rent again

I looked up to the sky to tell me who to be The sun looked down at me and told me she was busy

Who am I, where are we? Who listens when I pray? I don’t think about it much unless you count everyday 

I tried to be a runner but I never got that far I tried to write a book it turns out it’s pretty hard

I tried the city life tried living on the road There’s not a number bigger than the sum of my zip codes

I told my therapist she couldn’t nail me down You think that you know me?  Wait til next week rolls around

Who am I, where are we? Who listens when I pray? I don’t think about it much unless you count everyday 

I’m searching for the answers in this ten by ten bedroom I’m searching for some meaning in the phases of the moon

Does my fate lie in numbers? Will I ever find the words? One day I’ll feel like me  and that’s the day I’ll rule the world

Who am I, where are we? Who listens when I pray? Will I still change my haircut when I’m old and when i’m gray

When my body’s underground will I still feel the same? Will I ever feel like me? I think about this everyday

[rachelfeelsfeelings]

Self Help

Can I tell you a secret? I can’t keep up  There’s too much content There’s too much stuff

Am I supposed to be able to take in this much? I can barely function breathing’s getting tough 

Is it cause I’m a capricorn I overthink?  Do I trust the stars or do I try to fix me? 

I found myself Listen to me Manifest your dreams Find your destiny I have the truth It’ll set you free You can have it all  For a small fee 

Have you talked to Jesus? Have you read this book? The answers are there if you would just look 

Did you try to journal? Did you learn to cook? Did you meditate? Then why aren’t you just hooked?

Is it cause of my enneagram I overthink? Should I try to fix myself or is this me?

I found myself Listen to me Manifest your dreams Find your destiny I have the truth It’ll set you free You can have it all For a small fee

The law of attraction  Drink celery juice  Change your habits and  microdose shrooms 

Wash your face eat only raw foods Love your body or else you’re doomed

Eat a vegan diet and tidy up Learn the subtle art of not giving a fuck 

Learn to set boundaries  and make your bed  It’s not that hard  you’re just in your head

I found myself Listen to me Manifest your dreams Find your destiny I have the truth It’ll set you free You can have it all For a small fee