so like way in the yonder days I would have these extensive complainy posts on tumblr and they sort of helped because shouting into the void is nice WE’RE DOING THIS HUH??
so a list of grievances at me and the world
1) i only care about human interaction when i’m horribly upset
like it just stopped mattering to me
which is good because I have no time at all
2) I have no time at all! This is because I’m fucking tired way beyond what anyone should be and it sucks because I’m falling behind in classes even though I do nothing but rest and coursework and I still just want to sleep for like a week.
I GUESS though while I’m getting my thoughts in order I am finally looking at getting a sleep study done. Maybe I’ll actually figure out what the fuck is wrong with me? I think I would actually start crying. This has been a thing for so long.
Mostly we’re looking at Narcolepsy since I don’t snore and I have no reason to think I have restless legs. Cool thing about that is there’s a medication for narcolepsy besides “take stimulants until they stop working” and everyone seems to think it makes you actually feel rested upon waking up. It occurs to me that I don’t even know what it feels like to be well rested. Like I’m either on the edge of sleep or so tired I forget about it. Ritalin did next to nothing (BUT WAS GREAT FOR ADHD SYMPTOMS UNTIL IT STOPPED WORKING) and adderall kind of keeps my eyes open but I’m certainly no more motivated than usual and a lot more antsy.
I maintain that I probably wouldn’t be in this mess if my ritalin had kept working. But really I probably would because I have a zero percent success rate with actually keeping my shit together
3) I do this thing where I mask all emotion but I can’t really stop myself from crying so I go from chipper to broken down in like two seconds. This is a metaphor for my life, in which I can be extremely high achieving until suddenly I can’t function at all and both these things like I can tell it freaks people out. I think as a person I’m really good at getting peoples’ hopes up and then disappointing them and alienating them.
God and I think I have some sort of social deficit because I just can not fucking understand people. Every conversation I have feels like a tactical game like “don’t let them know I have no idea what I’m doing and also don’t do something offputting.” I have this weird paranoia that I’ll just straight up forget huge parts of human social norms make some huge mistake. Mostly this ends up with me just not saying anything, saying too much, or saying something no one gives a shit about
Everyone here is so normal. Not everyone but more than aren’t it seems. I guess I got used to the bizzaro rural version of life where everyone sort of expected me to be weird and maybe even respected me for it. It feels like no one talks about anything important but the truth is I’m sure they do behind like eight layers of social bullshit that I find impossible to navigate.
I guess I have people here who could be friends, at least, all from the summer program I was in though so I haven’t met anyone new this whole semester besides like people in classes. One time I decided to hang out with one of them instead of taking an afternoon nap and even though I got to bed before eleven I was too tired dizzy to make it to class the next morning (or like... sit up in a chair in my room) so like I guess friends are out of the picture
4) I feel like my problems are so out of proportion with what anyone here understands or is capable of dealing with. I met with my college’s dean when I was having one of my existential crises and he basically gave me some pamphlets about stress management. Like I get the normal college student can just cut back on some commitments and make healthier choices about sleep but I have nothing left to cut down on anymore.
5) Have a meeting with the same dean tomorrow because I missed a quiz and I need an official excuse and I hear he’s strict about them and I’m not 100% sure he’ll take me seriously at all. Either that or he’ll take me too seriously and not think I can complete the semester. I honestly couldn’t make it to class but there was a pretty heavy role depression played in that. When I was first talking to him I wasn’t sure if I was depressed or not but it definitely didn’t feel like my severe episode. Reason I didn’t get out of bed that morning was because even thinking about doing things like putting clothes on made me want to kill myself. I’m not going to kill myself because of a few reasons but I just want to be gone so badly sometimes. I don’t even know if it’s a moral thing anymore. I guess sometimes I still feel like I deserve it but other times I just think it would be so much more comfortable to be dead. Anyways there are news stories about Yale with the astounding moral of “don’t tell anyone if you’re suicidal” but they got a lot of flac for that so maybe it’s different now. A student just died a week or two ago and I think it was suicide. I don’t want to put anyone on edge. Especially since I don’t think I’m at a very high risk of suicide. Sometimes I’m worried though that’s I’ll have some psychotic break or something and forget all of the reasons I’ve come up with for not doing it.
6) I really hate it when people worry about me. Especially since people as a whole don’t understand me or where I’m coming from so it’s especially uncomfortable. Sometimes I just wish people didn’t care about me because I think it just always ends up bad. Especially since I’m starting to care about other people less and less. I have a lot of people who are my “friends” but I never feel right around more than one person anymore and even then I feel like I’m just growing worse and worse at it. But I think I still care a lot, maybe, so that isn’t it. I care about everyone’s well being and all, that is. I guess I just don’t feel like anyone knows me anymore and maybe no one ever did. I kind of fantasize sometimes about getting friends who feel like friends used to feel but I can’t even get out of bed so that’s a long ways away.
7) Plus everyone here’s into like, drinking and pop music. I didn’t think I would judge people for that and it’s not that I particularly mind their choices, they just aren’t the sort of people I want to hang around with. I have good conversations with teachers usually and sometimes other students/friends but by and large the climate just isn’t made for me.
Mind you, I love my classes a lot and honestly my teachers are pretty understanding. I feel like I’m taking advantage of that understanding but I am at such a disadvantage normally so I try not to feel bad about it. I still do though. I have some creative writing assignments that are way past due because my brain is not up for anything creative right now. Everyone here is just really nice as a whole. And with students it’s uncomfortable extroverted nice but I still appreciate the thought.
But no matter how engaging the academics are I’m still going to get bad grades/maybe even fail a class if I don’t get at least part of my life in order. It’s just hard when I get stressed to the point of depression. With the fatigue at least I can kind of push through when it matters and with the attention stuff I can sort of refocus even if my motivation sucks but when fucking depression comes along and robs me of like 90% of my willpower it’s just unfair. I need so much more willpower than everyone else just to survive it seems.
8) I don’t even feel human anymore. I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve just had to detach myself so much, I guess. As cool as basic human needs like ‘friends’ are I can’t really deal with them. And if I just let myself trust my brain I’d probably be dead. But now it feels like I’ve lost a lot of my emotional capacity and a lot of my social capability and like all of my social drive because I’ve become hyper-logical to cope.
9) Oh except for I’m not coping. I had so much to do this weekend and so much time and I did none of it because I was apathetic and wanted to sleep. I didn’t do anything fun, I sort of just distracted myself. I haven’t had fun in an awful long time. I still find things enjoyable so I’m not that far gone yet but if something good doesn’t happen to me soon I think I’m going to lose it. I keep asking myself “what’s the point” and I know what the point is but I can’t bring myself to care.
Anyways I have a paper to write but I think this actually did help me clear up my thoughts a bit. I really want to go to sleep but I’m not sure if I’ll have any time with all the work I need to do before tomorrow. If you actually read to this point I commend you but it’s probably pointless since I’ll trick myself into thinking everything’s fine soon enough. If anyone wants to talk to me for any reason that might be good??? But it’s no problem if you don’t. I just haven’t had anything to ground me in a while. Thanks for witnessing today’s emotional breakdown & I hope your life is going better than mine ahaha.
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