Chaos is a ladder

I should probably apologize in advance as there is no such thing as a filter in my world.

[raelenel]

Ghosting.

Let’s talk about it.

The harsh reality is that ghosting is a normality of today’s dating world. “But Raely, how would you know?!” You might ask.

Because bitch I been ghosted! Seriously. I have quite a few times. And let me tell you, it fucking sucks. Bad.

When I start to get to know someone I try to keep my guard up because I am honestly so accustomed to getting hurt and don’t want to get to a dark place again. Most of the tome it works and sometimes I just come off way bitchier than normal and I ruin things. That rare time where I see something, I feel something with someone and let my guard down is the times I get ghosted.

Let’s talk about two prime examples.

We’ll start with “I” (he was just so tall). Seriously, he was like a foot taller than me and boy do I like them tall. Anyway, I. I saw no red flags, no flaws, the conversation was great, the dates amazing, the sex even better. Then boom. I didn’t hear from him for likeeee a week or so. So I counted my losses and did what any self respecting single woman would do, activate her tinder for some validation😂😂

Low and behold who do I almost instantly match with.... I. He messages me and apologizes yaddi yaddi yaaaaahhh. Mind you, he has my number and my Snapchat.... I know, I hear you. So we start talking again but I’m bound and determined to make him work for it, no sex until I see changes. We go on another date and then he wants to have a date day in. Movies, snacks, the works. Cool. It was amazing. Was followed up the next day with the sweetest text about one he had such a great time and interestingly enough, how i calm his mind. Wanna guess what happens? BINGO! I haven’t heard from him since then. This was almost 2 months ago?

On to “J”. Now this man I met at a local bar about a year ago. Lots of banter and flirting but never admission of interest or dates. Until about 1.5 months ago. He asked me to meet him at a bar with his friends so I did. Amazing night. Week or so later he invites me to his house for a party, I go. Another amazing night. We’ve been inseparable since. I even let him mee the girls. No one and i mean no one meets my daughters. We never defined the relationship per say so we’ll just call it a situationship. He travels to (I need a nickname for his state uhhh) “the land of cheese” for work and to see his daughter quite often. We continued the situationship even through the recent increased travel for the holidays and work. Until this week. We’d been pretty exclusive for about a month so i decided to take him to my company Christmas party. We had a good time. He stayed over and left the next morning to drive to the land of cheese for Christmas. Didn’t hear from him for two days despite my reaching so I assumed we were done. I post a backhanded Snapchat and he responds immediately. We discuss and things are fine. Well that was Monday and now it’s Thursday and I’ve not heard from him, despite reaching out.

What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Doing. Wrong. Here?!

Being ghosted by these 2 men in particular has caused me to go into parts of my head and dark places that I never wanted to revisit. I felt a connection with these men. I could see a legitimate future with them. My mental health has been great so i know it’s not my crazy showing. I’ve not been needy or pushy. I’ve been relatively laid back for how high strung i am. Being ghosted repeatedly makes me wonder what it is that is wrong with me. Is it my weight? Am I ugly? Am I not intelligent enough? What is it?! Why do I keep ending up alone?

These two ghostings have my anxiety is a tizzy. I feel unworthy of love. Worthless. And that’s a real shitty feeling.

I’ve tried breathing. Reminding myself that i deserve a man who won’t make me feel this way. Music. All the stuff I normally do and it just doesn’t seem to be cutting it this time. I feel trapped. Trapped inside my own head and I physically can’t bring myself out. This time, I don’t know what to do. How to stop feeling this way?

The answer folks is, I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling this was when someone ghosts me. I’ll never stop wondering why I’m always alone. I want to be loved. I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me anymore. The whole package you know? As much as I try to hide it, my daughters see right through me. They know I want to be loved. To love. They want it for me. Trust me, E never lets me forget I’m single. Sweet baby.

I guess only time will tell if I’ll be okay. The universe knows what it’s doing, I just have to trust it I guess.

“Darling for you to feel this sad you must have once felt so happy. And you will find that feeing again. And it will be beautiful.” -E.K.

[raelenel]

Oh, my back.

I almost wonder if I'd rather have;

A man who continually cheats or a man who claims to love me but pays me no mind.

Because I've had both and they suck just as equally.

I've been in a relationship now about two months. We'll call him "A".He's far from my type. But something drew me to him. When we initially started, he was attentive, playful, had an interest in knowing what made me tick. It seems as soon as we decided to make things official, all of that just flew right out the window. Where he had a good balance of playful and serious, he became all jokes. I would actually tear up at the relentless teasing that would happen because I would crave the seriousness and simple words of affirmation. This man has never told me more than twice that I was pretty or that he was happy with me. He's never taken me on a real date. Nor does he plan to because he loathes being out. Or so he says. It has honestly given me a complex and makes me think he's embarrassed to be seen with me.

I know exactly what you're thinking... "What the fuck are you doing with him?!"

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!

My souls craves words of affirmation, it craves someone who wants to know every part of me. My past and my future. Not to use it against me but I understand how I love and how I need to be loved.

Anxiety can make loving someone difficult. And I say this because as y'all know, I'm a bucket of fucking nerves all the fucking time. But, on the real, learning to love someone with anxiety the RIGHT WAY is so incredibly important. And yes, there is a right way. I wholeheartedly believe in love languages. Not necessarily that there are only those 5 but, more so that the way someone loves with every inch of their soul can elude to what their specific love language(s) is/are. I also think relationships struggle so much because we don't know each other's love languages much less our own. That's the key i think y'all. We can't pour into someone else and feed their love language and love them the right way if we don't even know how to do that for ourselves.

I struggle so hard with this. I really do have the biggest heart and am willing to give every ounce of love I have but I am constantly empty. I'm empty because I barely know my own love language and can't teach someone (romantic or platonic, I'm not discriminating here y'all) how to love me the right away.

So how do we fix this? How do we learn our own love language so we can teach the loved ones in our lives to love us the right way? Fuck if I know, I'm legitimately asking here man!!!

Maybe we do the things we love with the people we love. Don't be afraid to talk about the things that make us tick. Our quirks. Be so unapologetically you that it resonates with these people.

"I can't think of any better representation of beauty than someone who is unafraid to be herself." -Emma Stone

Since my last post I've been on this unspoken quest for myself. For my soul. And quite honestly until starting to write this particular post I didn't really realize it. I've spent the last 4 years or so, so incredibly lost and I tell you, I am so thankful for that. It's made me dig and work to be able to be so transparent with where I am now. Yes I know, I know. I'm a fucking nut job. But hey, you keep coming back and I keep moving forward so, something is going right.

Do the universe a favor y'all, don't ever hide your magic.

-R

[raelenel]

“Extracurriculars”

06/24/19 "I am sick of fighting. And, I am sick to death of this whole center of the universe, holier than thou, nothing is ever enough. Oh, how I've suffered, nobody understands me. Somebody fix me a drink and hand me a Nebutol, worn out Scarlett O'Hara -- thang."

I watched The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood this weekend. I hadn't seen it is forever and truly forgot how wonderful that movie is. Here's the thing with it though, I can't relate to it from a Mother/Daughter perspective. My relationship with my Mother was essentially flawless aside from the normal stuff. I can however kind of relate it to a close friendship of mine. 

This friend has "extracurricular activities" he participates in regularly with no regard for his life or the way those things affect those who love him. He sees it as "Just because I make poor decisions doesn't mean I don't care about other people." This person ended up in the hospital this weekend for appendicitis. Ultimately had surgery but had to admit to all the "extracurriculars" because those things affect the medications he'd be given during surgery. But. The issue was that we weren't sure if it was a delayed overdose or something as simple as his appendix because of the mix of "extracurriculars" he'd done in the last 72hrs. I worry for this man daily. But the last 24hrs my anxiety and control issues have been screaming his name in fear of losing him. I'm slowly learning to let go of the anxiety and control issues that surround him but when things like this happen I legitimately lose all of the stability I had. I try with everything in me to step aside and let him make his own choices, let his girlfriend deal with him, realize that he doesn't care about our friendship or how his decision affect me... But it is so so incredibly hard. Bottom line is he's okay. He's home to recover and from what he's said this morning this was an eye opener for him. I hope the the Gods old and new this is the case.

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside." -Susanna Kaysen.

Girl Interrupted is one of my favorite books and movies because I relate to this quote specifically. Addiction doesn’t start as a disease in my opinion. And I may get a lot of shit for saying that. It's a choice. You chose to start using. You chose to do it again, and again, and again, until now your body doesn't give you a choice. You're addicted. That's when it becomes a disease. When your choices have lead you to withdrawal when you go without. When you've trained your brain to crave that dopamine, to crave the adrenaline, to crave the serotonin. That euphoria feeling is all too familiar to me.

I made a choice to get out. To get clean. For my daughter, and for myself. I was hurting those around me and if you know me in any way, that isn't me. I'm one of the most selfless people you'll ever meet. It's my selflessness and huge empathetic heart that get me hurt constantly. It also finds me he truest of friends because I'm able to see the good in everyone and read people very well.

So. To all those who suffer whether it be from addiction, anxiety, depression, or even just a touch of sadness, I say this to you today; You are enough. You are loved more than your demons lead you to believe, you are not alone, and by God you absolutely can get through this. Whatever "this" is, you can get through it. Do not ever feel that you have to face this shitty world alone. Face this life alone. It's not taboo to see a counselor, to have that friend you confide in, to write in a journal. Find an outlet. Get up and move. Physically move. Go for a walk with that kickass playlist (if you need one let me know, I'll be happy to share!), dance it out, stretch, circle pit by yourself, just MOVE!!! Sitting and staying in your own head is the worst place to be. Our demons are all too comfortable there and know every which way to bring us further down. MOVE BABES!!!

-R

[raelenel]

The Hardest Part of Letting Go... Sealed With a Kiss

"I am no one special. Just a common man with common thoughts. And I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect, I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and for me, that has always been enough." - Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook.

Finally deciding to cut someone out of your life is hard. Really hard. Especially when this someone has been essentially the center of your world for 2.5yrs. I pride myself on my ability to love as hard as I do. I also fault myself for it. I am a hopeless romantic with a tough exterior and it doesn't always work in my favor. This post will more than likely be centered around Tyler and myself today. Since the moment I met this man, I knew I would love him. I've mentioned before we were unconventional and likely toxic from the beginning and I'm not lying when I say that. We seem to have had more downs than ups the more I take steps back and think about it. But to say I have loved this man unconditionally is an understatement. I cannot however say the same for him. At least not confidently. I have no doubt that in some way the man cared for me but as far as loving me, I can't say that with ease. My head tells me that since day one I have been more of a convenience for him. A constant in his life if you will. There is this Mayday Parade song that we always said was "our song" called "You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I’ll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds". 

I'm the anchor that keeps his reality in check and he's the wings that keep my wild side alive. Lately, we're not those things for each other and it's been eating away at me. Regardless of our relationship status we've been able to maintain a decent friendship over the last 2.5yrs. Again lately, that's not the case. I know why this time though. I normally can take a backseat when he's in a relationship with another women, I can respect it, accept it. Not this time. I can't get behind the choices he's making and the woman he is with. Partially because of my jealousy (come on guys, I want the man for myself) and partially because this woman is going to drag him right back down to where he was a year ago and I refuse to save him this time. I can't. My heart can't take it. 

So. With that little background, back to the first sentence of this post "Finally deciding to cut someone out of your life is hard." I've decided it's time to cut him out of my life. Or at least try to. 

Why? 

Because my heart can't handle it anymore. 

My heart aches for the man I fell in love with. My heart aches for the man he has the potential to be. My heart aches for my best friend back. My heart aches for the choices he is making. In recent weekends alone I've really tried evaluating why my relationships never work. Why I have a fear of commitment. And hear me out, I in no way blame Tyler. I absolutely blame myself. I blame myself for always hoping he'll change. Hoping it'll be me and him in the end. It's not going to be and I have to accept that. And I don't know any other way to get over what once was and what never will be other than cutting him out of my life. 

So I started to do that and I tell you what... It's fucking hard. I am so used to talking to this man at 2am for hours of laughs and/or tears. So used to seeing a meme and sending it. To him being the first person I tell about things good or bad. And I'm having to learn to let that go. But since starting to do this, I'm starting to feel some peace I think. And that peace is super hard to achieve because of who I am, I need to know he's okay. I need to know who is there for him. Who is he going to call at 2am when he's drunk and super emotional? Does this new girl or any of the future girls know what to do when he's emotional like that? Does she know when he needs his space? When he needs more attention? And yes, I know, it's not my problem to worry about. I get that. But again, center of my world for years.

He was my friend long before he was my boyfriend, lover, before anything. That is what hurts the most. Losing my friend. I know I have to though. I can't heal if I'm constantly seeing him with other women or making choices that I can't agree with. Will I always be here for him? To an extent. I can't let myself go without anymore because he needs. I can't put his needs and wants before mine. How? How do I do this and not have my heart ache from not having a man who was my best friend in my life? How do I learn that I can't force him to change? How can I accept that I am not a priority in his life? I don't know. If I had these answers, maybe I wouldn't be where I am today. 

My love for this man will likely never change. A large piece of my heart will always be reserved for him. I truly believe in the old Japanese tale of the red string of fate (google it if you have no idea what I’m talking about). The universe put this man into my life for a reason and for all my dumbass knows, that reason has already been fulfilled. I have no idea. 

But for now, it's time to put myself first.

I'll see you again when the universe decides it's time for us to cross paths again. And until then, be good babes, or be good at it.  

-R

[raelenel]

All we need to do is breathe

05/28/19 I guess I suck at this blogging thing since I haven't written in a while. It's not that there isn't stuff going on it's just that I have no words to put it into. I was off a half day this past Friday and on Monday for the Memorial Day holiday. And I was kid free. I did virtually nothing and it was almost glorious.  Almost. I did go to a bbq at an old friends house. As Monday came around and I woke up, i couldn't decide if I wanted to go lay out by the pool, again, or find something to do. I decided I wanted to be around people. Then it occured to me, I really don't have anyone. Robyn was out of town. And other than that, I have no one. It really kind of hurts actually. I am the one who is constantly there for anyone who says "I need" but when I really look around, I have no one. That's depressing. So, I ended up binge watching The Umbrella Academy on Netflix and getting really high.

At what point does being alone become an issue. Maybe issue isn't the word. At what point do I need to force myself to make friends? To socialize? To maybe let a man into my life? I think that I've allowed all the trauma I've been through to affect me more than I like to think. I'm terrified of friends betraying me, of lovers cheating on me, of people leaving. Because people always leave. It's almost always inevitable.

"It's a rush, this new darkness that appears everything is coming at you so fast. One second you're happy with your life, and then you get this over towering feeling of sadness. In this depression, you feel alone, knowing of rejection, all because something happens, and you don't know how to react because simply of the process of letting someone in, especially when the people closest to you disappoint you even when they think they were protecting you, but all we need to do is breathe." - Peyton Sawyer- One Tree Hill

Too often we let this darkness, this depression consume us and sometimes we don't even notice. I sometimes can feel myself slipping and I will chalk it up the that crazy hormone surge right before my period. But this time is different. I found myself wanting so badly to be numb yesterday. To not feel any emotions at all. To have no cares in the world. People shouldn't have that much power over us. Over me. So I got numb. I pulled out my THC pen and made sure I was good and numb. That's a problem. A big problem considering my history. Why am I doing this? What is so bad for me right now that I feel the need to be numb? My kids are healthy, happy, and well taken care of. It's me. I'm lacking. My spirit is lacking. My emotional bucket is empty and I don't know how to fill it. I'm pretty good at controlling my anxiety and knowing when I need to ground myself but the depression i've never really been able to get a hold on. What are some ways to actually do that? Ways to fill my emotional bucket if the things I crave emotionally aren't available to me? How do you let go of the one person your heart desires when you know damn well they are toxic and you have no business wanting them in your life? How do you heal? How do you learn that it's okay to move on and okay to let people in?

Legitimate questions guys because for this one, I'm stumped. I'm stumped and I don't like it. I know one thing for sure, I know what I don't need in my life. I don't need that man. I don't need to turn back to addiction. I don't need to feel numb. Those things get me nowhere except deeper into a dark hole. And I can say this, I am strong for knowing what I don't need. I am strong for choosing to continue when all I want is to be numb and ultimately nonexistent. And if you chose to wake up today and continue, you are strong. And I am proud of you. And I'm in your corner. We can figure out how to fill these emotional buckets in a healthy way. I know we can. Keep making that choice. I'll keep making it too.

[raelenel]

You better come bearing gifts

05/13/19 I'm by no means a morning person. Everyone I know (especially at work) knows not to talk to me until at least 2 cups of coffee and after 9am at the earliest unless you come bearing gifts such as coffee. This morning, I was grabbing a patient and one of my coworkers says to me "Sweetie, you're vibe is off today, are you okay??" Now this coworker is very quiet, reserved, and very observant so for her to feel a shift in my vibe, it says something to me. That question put me right into my head. What is my vibe today? I was woken up around 345am by my ex. I like to call him my epic ex because I believe we all have that one epic love and he is it for me. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to change names in my own blog or if I'm supposed to have permission to use them but, fuck it. Tyler. What can I say about Tyler? A lot. And a whole lot of nothing at the same time. We were unconventional and likely toxic from the beginning. But to say I love this man is an understatement. We have been through hell and back and we try very hard to maintain our friendship because it seems neither one of us can be without the other in some way. There is this invisible connector that holds us together and always brings us back to each other. He makes me crazy, he makes me smile, he makes me cry, laugh, question my sanity, question my ability to love and be loved, question life. He never lets me settle for anything less than the best because even though I don't believe it he knows I deserve it. In my deepest of hearts I know that he is the best. Just not right now. Tyler doesn't want to grow up. His life still revolves around partying and I'm well passed that. Now, don't get me wrong, I love going out and drinking and having a good time. But not every night. He also doesn't know how to stop sticking his dick in a pretty thing with two legs and a pussy. Yes, he's a cheater. And before you start the "oh my gosh that's trash I would never be with someone who cheats, once a cheater always a cheater" blah blah blah bullshit, hear me out. There is something about this man that I cannot shake. I cannot unlove him. And I may be completely naive in thinking he will ever change but I know his heart. I know the potential man he can be. Now. Does that mean I am waiting around for him to be that man? Absolutely fucking not. But, I trust the universe and I know she has put us in each others paths for a damn good reason. Whether it's to be a muse for a song, to be a testimony for someone else, a murder suicide, I don't know haha. But it's something big. I don't want to get too much into me and Tyler considering this isn't a blog about that relationship but, expect to read about him periodically. He's a big part of my life.

-R

[raelenel]

The mean reds

05/08/19 So this morning, I woke up with Avalanche by Bring Me The Horizon in my head. This is starting to get a little weird that small quotes or lyrics are just immediately on my mind when I wake up for seemingly no reason. No dreams that I remember. Didn't listen to that song or BMTH at all yesterday. I've been pretty sick with the plague of a cold the last week or so and last night was the first night I haven't taken what is probably way too much Nyqil to sleep. I also relieved some stress if you catch my drift ;-). Lets look at this song, maybe we'll have some profound reason it's in my head. Sidebar; I never figured out why that GoT quote was in my head yesterday so heres to hoping. The hook of the song goes: It's like an avalanche I feel myself go under 'Cause the weight of it's like hands around my neck I never stood a chance My heart is frozen over And I feel like I am treading on thin ice And I'm going under I know there is likely a meaning to the songwriter himself (Ollie Sykes) because of his struggles with ADHD and whatnot but, what does it mean to me? I mentioned before I have depression and anxiety and it can sometimes be debilitating. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something. My axiety overpowers my depression by a longshot. I really am just a ball of nerves 94% of the time. So. Maybe I've been in my head lately and I don't even realize it. A case of the mean reds if you will. Points to you if you know what movie that reference is from!!! The mean reds are like the mean cousin to the blues. The blues are when you're just down or sad. The mean reds are when you're afraid and you don't know why (ANXIETYYYY). I don't really think i've been anxious lately but maybe my spirit is. One silly thing that stays on my mind a lot is my relationship status. Which yes i know i know, pathetic. "You're so beautiful, and such a good mom and you're so funny, and you have so much to offer blah blah blabhhhh" I hear some rendition of this constantly. Constantly. But here I am, still alone. Back to the song. Maybe my subconscious is telling me that I really am struggling with something. A particular thing I'm anxious about and whatever it is, is going to take me down here soon. I guess only time will tell. Anxiety is a bitch. Like a big one. It sometimes leaves no survivors and can push some of the best people away. I'll never forget this one time I was just beat down. My then boyfriend was living with me and he was off work that day so we'd been texting back and forth all day but he could tell sometihng was off. I'm a talker, big talker if you haven't noticed. I guess I was just being short and monotoned with my responses and the conversation which isn't like me. He kept asking what was up and of course I'd say nothing. By the time I got home I was just defeated, the mean reds had won. I kissed him, grabbed a bottle of wine, and went upstairs to our room and ran a bath. I cried in that tub for over an hour and then cried more when I got out and laid in the bed in my robe. He finally came up and was panicked at what he saw. I'm a small girl. Chubby but very petite. And he said I looked even smaller laying there with tears in my eyes and snot on my face. He laid next to me and tried to hold me and console me. When I get low like that, I can't be comforted, I can't be loved, held, kissed, talked to, I just need to get it out and then let it go. Bless him for trying, really but I eventually told him to go back downstairs and I would be down soon. About another hour later I was makeup and hair done and downstairs ready to go out like nothing happened. Why was I low? What triggered me? I couldn't tell you. This is anxiety at some of its worst for me. Last night my bestie came over to blow off some steam and talk for a bit and I tell you, those are my favorite times. I love when we're out and being social and having a blast but being able to talk about everything and unload is such a relief. You can't do that with just anyone nowadays without the fear of them spilling your demons and secrets to everyone else. We joked that I am the best at giving relationship and marriage advice. Like literally top notch but I can't manage a relationship or marriage of my own. It's like all that solid advice goes out the window or something. Or maybe I end up attracting the wrong guys. Is there actually such a thing as a "wrong" person? I was talking to this guy for a few weeks recently and when we went on our first date he told me that he was a recovering meth addict. Yeah with my history and my very weird need to fix everyone broken, I had to end that. So once, again. Allll by myyyyseeeelllffffffff. Did you sing that to yourself as you read it because I definitely sang it as I typed it haha. The remainder of the day was relatively uneventful. My oldest, Kenadie, has therapy on Wednesdays so Emery and I get to goof around in the car for an hour while she's in there doing her thing. I also decided to give the old online dating a try again so I made those profiles for the Tinder and Bumble last night. I swiped for a minute and then passed outttt. This cold is legitimately kicking my ass. Yay for no immune system!

[raelenel]

I haven’t decided on a blog name or cute tag line yet

"The night is dark and full of terrors" I woke up with this quote repeating over and over in my head. The quote is from a Game of Thrones episode where the "Red Lady" or Melissandra is pregnant with Stannis Baratheon's child and ends up giving birth to this shadow demon who goes and kills Renly Baratheon (a brother to Stannis and Robert who is in line for the Iron Throne) with the face of Stannis. All a little dark and twisty honestly. Now. Why I woke up with this particular quote on my mind makes me wonder, why the fuck. I haven't watched GoT since the new episode on Sunday nor have I read any theories about Baratheons lately (Yes... I read GoT theories between patients, don't judge). I don't remember what my dreams were about last night either but this quote for some reason is haunting me today. Lets keep writing and maybe i'll have this great revelation and figure out why it's stuck in my head. So I like to think my life is somewhat comical and people always tell me I should have a TV show. Well, I'm a chubby nurse with no TV connections and definitely don't have a face for TV, I don't even think I have a face for radio at this point so, blog it is!

Let's get to know each other a little bit. Or you can actually get to know me since this is my blog and i'll probably never meet you. Same same. So, I'm Raelene. I'm a 30yr old VERY SINGLE mom to two perfect girls; Kenadie who is currently 9 and Emery who is currently 5. Did I mention they are literally perfect? This si where I post a photo of them buuuuut I don’t know how yet so sit tight and when I learn to not be computer/tumblr dumb, I’ll show you just how gorgeous my crotch fruit are! 

Notice the emphasis on the VERY SINGLE, heyyyyy *eyeroll emoji* I guess this is where I give you back story on that. I married my high school sweetheart back in 2007. Shit out two kids and left him in 2015 because he was fucking my friend. Super great right?! Since then I've dated here and there but have only had one serious relationship which lord have mercy has ruined me mentally and emotionally more so than the end of my marriage did. Now, that doesn't mean i'm completely unavailable emotionally (heyyyy) but i've got some baggage just like the next chubby girl looking for love in all the wrong places, maybe just a little more. Weird story actually is that even though Tyler (the most recent ex) ruined me, we're still weirdly close friends*shoulder shrug emoji* That's a whole other post we can go into if y'all ask enough about it. 

So a little more about me. I still live in band tee's and converse. I love emo/indie music but if you get in the car with me and let me shuffle all the music on my phone you'll get anything from Marilyn Manson to Hillsong United. I have weird taste in music haha. But my go to is definitely emo/indie. My favorite movies include Breakfast at Tiffany's, Definitely Maybe, annnndddd uhm maybe the Harry Potter series. I'm a big Potterhead, way into Game of Thrones, I like to watch reruns of shows because i'm afraid to get into new ones for fear of hating it and wasting brain cells. Sometimes I don't realize the words that come out of my mouth until well after I've said them which seems to not always work in my favor. I'm a family medicine nurse and a hopeless romantic.

Should you continue to follow this you'll quickly realize that I am scatterbrained as fuck, I sometimes get very dark and twisty because I have what my doctor likes to call "debilitating and uncontrolled depression and anxiety" that I choose not to treat with SSRI/SNRI's, half of the time I don't think I'm making any sense whatsoever and the other half I'm patting myself on the back with how smart I am, and sometimes I'm just sassy. It'll be a rollercoaster but I can promise you that at some point I'll make you laugh, I'll make you question this crazy life the universe has given us, and I may even make you cry. Not just with my stories but what I hope is relatable words to touch you, your soul in some way. We all need a person and I truly believe sometimes that person isn't going to be right in front of you every day (thank you technology). I have made some of the best online friends that I go to with more of my life than my best friends I see every day.

So lets journey together, yeah? Lets see what shenanigans we can get into. And finally, welcome to the shit show!

-R