call me rae.

⋆.࿔ 18 | i yearn & i write

[raesinbread]

Train Ride

With each tracks shifting from left to right,

My head, hollow and frail—

Turns side by side,

Drowning me and clouding my once thought filled mind,

With patterns and maze where points can't be traced.

When did this start?

A question I dared to ask,

With answers deep in my pocket—

Desperate to get out,

For nothing is unforeseen;

Only denied until one seeks for it.

Expecting a challenge to collect each clues,

And finding out you've befriended the arrows aimed at you.

Escape is no use,

When running is expected,

Yet no compass direct certainty for success—

Nor does maps reflect areas to succeed.

Like how water is forced to flow—

Even in places it won't show,

Like how trains are completely in motion—

Through bridges and mountains and you inside it.

To find out is to move,

Not closer to ones goal;

But closer to you.

You who was shaped and formed—

Who learned to fit and not overflow.

[raesinbread]

A great amount of who I am is what I don't show

The intricate details that lies on my mind—

The thread used to sew my thoughts,

And the lamp that warms my soul;

All live in silence and untold.

For fine art is loved, not only by its colors;

But the story that maims the heart of its owner.

Often with cracks of incomplete sentences,

Filled with interpretation passed down for generations.

No single word can define—

The passion I have for this life,

Or the ambition I don't acquire.

As understanding is not a must;

But recognizing the person who will become.

[raesinbread]

harming people as I breathe

soon you'll be able to see

what's really in it with me

the hours you spend holding my hand

pile up to ruin your land

polluting the air as I speak

keep out all the people;

they're not safe with me

as all I do is cause harm

with thorns around my arm

I doubt you'll notice it

until you're left bleeding ink

ink that I use to scribble all my poems

in a journal no one dares to open

[raesinbread]

i sometimes hate my mind

for replaying moments in time

ones i wish to leave behind;

shoved underground

I can't help but wonder

will all I do is suffer?

from the moment I lay awake

to when I take my last breath

keep me away from all this madness

heal me from all my sadness

[raesinbread]

I wish to not become a baggage you carry

I hate to be the one in need

to ask for more, even when I bleed

the responsibility of being responsible for me

is something I'll strip off of you while I call you crazy

yet all I am is a burden to this world

and to all the friends I've loved and earned

I make sure that no sign of help is seen

yet people take pity to where I've been

I probably look dumb and sad

for everyone to see that I have it bad

I want to build something for myself

to succeed without help

but proving that I can do it alone

is not what I seek

only putting an end to your pain

is a goal I embodied

[raesinbread]

the perfect version of me

reside within me

alive in memory

carrying all the beauty

she's smart, she's kind

yet I can't seem to reach her side

I try to be the best

to cure all the curse and lay them to rest

I knew I cannot be repaired

yet I curate personas I dread

for I cannot be the one I wished

so I'm left in a body unnoticed

[raesinbread]

fixing

nails, hammer, and screws

forgive me if I always carry my tools

to the south I flew

I bring it everywhere I move

I store my sighs in a box

carry longings I placed in a sack

I wait for someone to come over

mistaking them for a lover

sooner or later I'll follow

while fixing all that's hollow

nails, hammer, and screws

are all the things I use

in hopes that fixing will aid

the sharp tiles you laid

I fix it all 'til it looks brand new

and somehow that becomes the cue

that I will be left with no clue

for nails, hammer, and screws

are all that I do

to polish and make them look good

now I'm left with the broken pasts you lent

and my broken heart to mend

[raesinbread]

I saw you today

I saw your hair

the same way it sits on you head

like it always did when you lay on my bed

back when tears were not shed

I smell your perfume

you exude the scent of flowers in bloom

reflecting the sweetness of my sorrow

and the heart you let me borrow

as I get closer, I see

someone I haven't meet

a version of you only the future holds

god knows that future is where I don't belong

[raesinbread]

booked and busy

you're occupied most of the time

and I'm left alone with all my rhymes

I tried to make my longing sound good

to please others and keep them hooked

I may seem aware

with all the answers I share

but in my head

I'm in spiral instead

head turning

body spinning

all the words I stumble

kept everything scrambled

why can't you see how much I suffer?

does it sting to even wonder?

[raesinbread]

sometimes I wish I cannot write

I hope I don't keep records

so I can escape my own judgemental words

to not fill my journal with heavy sighs

can I just wear a guise?

and pretend words aren't enough to reflect my cries

to stop admitting my wrongdoings

and to live in the moment without a single thought about my bruises

to write means to keep burning

to write means to relive the suffering

[raesinbread]

kite

I'm willing to sacrifice myself and fight

but you're like a kite that has no clue with what's on site

flying and soaring from above

sometimes I wish your eyes will look at me with love

the higher you go

the farther I am below

might as well bury me on the ground

than leave all my admiration behind

It's not fair how I wait for your return

knowing that you will never learn

to see what's inside me;

how it screams your name

leaving me only with pain

[raesinbread]

all again

when will you learn

that your avoidance will not mend

the hurt I exclaimed

but now your pushing all the blame

pointing your fingers to everything except yourself

standing on shaky ground

balancing in-between the lines of your mind

your yes and no's become harder to hear

all that has happened is all that I fear

and you know how I hate the feeling of repeating

but you clicked play and I hear the sound of my heart breaking

[raesinbread]

you.

when the glue dries

and the knot in the tie

becomes harder to undo;

all I can see is you.

with each passing time

what do you do when everything feels like a crime?

to be here, with you here

everything becomes unclear

and it doesn't feel right

that this feeling seems to be right

that the blurry lines wants me to stop

and how your words become sharp

[raesinbread]

am I a poet?

or just an ordinary person with a great amount of hurt?

made a fire to light up the candle

but it ended up burning the handle

this made it harder to grasp

the idea of how much my hurt would last

not because the suffering continues

but because I've chosen to make it to use

squeeze it until the very last drop

write all of my poems with the same trap

I fall into it all the time

lessons not being learned is probably a crime

the same reason as to why my writing is all about my grime

[raesinbread]

is it greed?

does selfishness reside within me?

am I built this way because I don't have enough

or because I can't have enough?

both sounds cruel

but I live in hell, I should atleast be truthful

yes, I despise

for how others come up with their prize

it doesn't matter how hard they try

my mind will always be full of spite

for so long, I don't know how I survived

keeping up with this rotten mind

life is not a competition

but treating it as one feels like an addiction

[raesinbread]

frigid

i look for distraction

that turns into fixation

like the sun with it's warm rays

like a drug that takes me away

up the clouds, across the sea, and with the wind

and as it wears off, I find;

the coldness of the breeze

and how it made me freeze

the vivid effects left me nothing but sore

recalling all the moments that I have stored

I wish to fall apart just so I can restart

to rebuild the life I want

and to re-claim what you've hunt

[raesinbread]

muse

I am my own muse

it's strange to prohibit others from writing about you

but I do, because why would you?

why would you write about my inadequency and my pain

to think of it, it is all that remained

deep in my soul, bruises are covered to keep me sane

I hate to think that people can see me for who I truly am

it's my fault for building a person I don't like

but dislike only appears when I feel people are looking at me

I'm fine with not being written about

to not be remembered like I do for other people around

for the sake of me, please do not let your brain

think about all the baggage I carry all day