And so the journey continues... @raesjourney - Tumblr Blog

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I’m trying to adjust to the ADHD meds. I do feel more focused, but I get a little dizzy around the same time every day. I’ve increased my water intake, which is obviously good for a bunch of reasons, but mainly to combat the constant dry mouth. There are also times I feel like I could chew my damn face off. I know I had this habit before I started the meds, so I’m not blaming it all on that. But I’m definitely doing it significantly more. I often don’t realize I’m doing it. It used to be I’d only do it when I was anxious or bored. Now I can’t identify a reason. I messaged my doctor and he didn’t seem too concerned about it. He said to get lozenges or gum to see if it would help. The gum does help some, but I’d rather not chew gum all damn day. When I notice that I’m doing it, I take a deep breath and try to relax my jaw. I then practice the breathing exercise the physical therapist recommended for my teeth clenching issue. Tip of the tongue to the roof of my mouth, teeth apart, lips closed and breathe. Honestly saying the steps in my head while doing it actually helps, too. I don’t know what else to do.

It shouldn’t be this difficult to function. I know I’m being dramatic but the past year was supposed to be me focusing on my health and it’s just been one thing after another. What’s ahead?

February- meet with a rheumatologist

March - follow up with my primary care on everything, basically

April - 6 month follow up sonogram on cyst in my breast and enlarged lymph node

June - 6 month follow up transvaginal sonogram to check out the multiplying fibroids

I absolutely know things could be significantly worse. I’m hormonal and emotional and I’m sick of trying medicine and going to the numerous doctors visits. And I’m really sick of all the medical bills piling up. Yay for that $14k deductible!

Okay. I’m done whining for the moment. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking around and being there.

#living with adhd #if one more ‘ologist’ gets added this year I may lose it

I want to thank every single person who talked about being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, because it helped me get my own diagnosis.

I told a few friends/coworkers and 2 of the 3 were completely shocked. “You’re always so organized and great at your job!” “I never would have guessed!” They don’t realize how much effort it takes for me to be organized at work or the stress and anxiety it causes. I have such a fear of failure that I have to make sure I don’t mess up at work. Which ends up with me being overwhelmed, and burnt out.

I’ve been reading articles, books and workbooks and I know I’ve been this way my entire life. I learned that my awful habit of chewing on the inside of my cheek (something I’ve done since I was a little kid) is ADHD stimming. Things make sense now.

What sucks is that my sister thinks it’s all horse shit. “If that’s what you think it is.” But she also doesn’t think mental illness exists if you’re not institutionalized.

Yes, I’m now medicated, but that wasn’t entirely the goal. I wanted to know how to make my mental health, my life better. I don’t have to be breaking down in tears when I hear 5 different sounds while I’m trying to eat my lunch. I don’t need to be yelling at my 5 year old when he’s explaining a game he’s made up, because I’m not able to process what I’m feeling or thinking or hearing or seeing or smelling. I get so overwhelmed at work when I have multiple tasks that need to be done yet I’ll sit there and scroll through my phone or I’ll go down a rabbit hole of research. I’ve made this my normal and it’s not healthy and it’s making me feel crazy and out of control. So, I’m putting my hyper fixation to use by learning different techniques or methods to help improve my quality of life.

I feel like I opened Pandora’s box when I went to my doctor almost a year ago. I still don’t have answers on my original issue, but this feels like a tiny win.

Hmm I guess a lot has happened in the 3 months since I last posted.

I made it through another round of tax deadlines. I have a bit of a lull before things start back up again for tax season. It’s close to annual review time and I’m hoping for a promotion. I’m already doing the work; I want the money and respect that goes along with the fancy new title.

The bf has been working/living 4.5 hours away for the past two months. He has anywhere between 2 weeks to 2 months left on this job. It changes daily. We’re still not certain he will be home more than a couple days at Christmas. It’s been both good and bad with him being gone. I’m enjoying the time apart, but I also didn’t sign up for this either. I feel stressed pretty much all day, every day.

After what feels like a million doctor appointments and even more blood tests, I still don’t have any answers. I switched meds, which helped some of the side effects of the previous medication, but it’s not helping the original issue. As of now, the doctor believes I have ADHD and fibromyalgia. He prescribed another medication, but I’m not taking it.

My daughter came home for thanksgiving break and I was so happy to get some time with her. I missed her way too much. She has a love/hate relationship with college. She said she wished she went to Rutgers instead of UVM, because of the lack of parties. I think she’s still trying to find her people. 3 more weeks and she will be home until next semester!

I hope every one of you are doing well. 😘

My doctor put me on medication to help treat the symptoms I’m having while I wait to be seen by the rheumatologist. He asked me to give it a month. It’s been 2.5 weeks so far and it’s still not helping me. Instead I feel exhausted constantly. I feel like I catch myself staring into the nothingness randomly throughout the day. And I have zero focus. I go back to see him in a couple weeks, hopefully he has a different plan, because this one sucks.

I see the hematologist at the end of the month. I’m trying not to think about it because it makes me anxious.

I just want to feel better.

My high school boyfriend passed away last week. He was only 45? I think. He had issues with his liver. He was on the transplant list and was scheduled for more testing this month. He was found dead at home, all alone. Aside from his family living in a 20 mile radius, they weren’t close. I’m friends with his sister and she hadn’t seen him in years, and she’s devastated. Their mother passed a couple years ago from cancer. The obituary hasn’t been published and the services haven’t been scheduled because they are trying to get the funds together. It’s sad.

Recently he was creating posts on fb to share his life story. He had a few posts that mentioned me, not by name, but anyone who knew him from high school knew it was about me. When I first saw them it irritated me. He was telling the world that how he screwed up a good thing with a beautiful girl and I’m thinking - dude, this was 20 years ago and we were children! When I learned he passed I reread them, the grammar grew progressively worse with each post. I stopped being irritated and understood what it was for…

It was like a roller coaster and had a significant impact on my life. That relationship unfortunately shaped my future relationships and how I viewed myself. We were kids trying to be grownups. It breaks my heart that he was all alone in his final moments. He’s no longer suffering and he’s finally at peace.

RIP Tony

Once again I did the disappearing act. Busy season was extremely tough for me this year. I worked a lot more hours than my typical tax seasons and the bf worked the night shift at the power plant for 3 months straight. It was stressful and exhausting and I had about 4 mental breakdowns.

My parents came back safe and sound. They’ll be sticking around through the summer before heading back to Florida (where the sailboat is currently being stored), in late fall. As of now they’re planning on being back for the holidays.

For those who aren’t friends with me on Fb or follow me on IG, life has been pretty busy. My daughter went to her senior ball and graduated high school. Aside from the great package from UVM, she received 4 outside scholarships totaling $3k. Not too shabby. She’s officially registered for school and now we have to worry about paying for it all.

My ex husband and his wife are going through a divorce and my daughter is getting dragged through it. My ex is being a giant dick to her because she doesn’t want to go over now that her stepmother is no longer living there. Leading up to her graduation he removed her from his phone plan, changed the locks at his house, told her to get all her stuff out of his house and tried taking her car several times. Her car was gifted to her by his mother, but unfortunately it’s registered in his name. His wife stepped in and had it deemed marital property, so now he can’t sell it on my daughter. Also, because they’re in the midst of their divorce, the 529 plan he set up to help pay for my daughter’s college cannot be touched. This means anything beyond what my daughter can pay will be 100% my responsibility.

My son graduated preschool and just had his kindergarten screening. He’s so excited to be heading to the big kid school. After repeat ear infections we finally were able to get him into an ENT, who recently put tubes in his ears. Fingers crossed this helps to keep him from constantly getting sick.

The puppy is slowing calming down, but he’s still an ass.

I’m currently going through lots of testing to figure out if I have an autoimmune disease, and if so which one. My lupus panel came back negative but the lupus anticoagulant panel was positive. Which means I have an antibody that’s present in people with lupus but it’s not specific to people with lupus. My dr said typically people with similar results are put on blood thinners, but since I’m still young he’s referring me to a hematologist. My lab results also show that I have inflammation, which doesn’t necessarily mean something bad, but given my symptoms, he’s ordering more testing. He wants to put me on a cycle of steroids to see if I can get some relief and will be referring me to a rheumatologist. Good friggin times. Based on my googling, I learned that many autoimmune diseases begin in the eyes. Rheumatoid arthritis can cause retinas to detach. It’s been almost 2 years since mine did. It could be a huge coincidence, though. Also, because of my lab results, I was told I can no longer take the birth control pill. So now my hormones are all over the place. And the bf thinks I’m a hypochondriac even though I sent him a screenshot of my dr’s explanations regarding my labs.

Obviously, there have been many ups and downs in the past few months. How are all of you?

It’s been a pretty shitty week so far and I’m trying to pull myself out of the funk.

The little man stayed home from school and daycare both Monday and Tuesday because he was fighting a cold. Typically, after I drop him off at daycare I work at my parents’ house until it’s time to pick him up since it’s closer to daycare than our house. Working there means it’s quieter and I’m not chasing after the puppy, who likes to destroy everything. Although it was nice not having the extra running around, I didn’t get the mental break.

Since getting back on the pill I have had a nonstop headache and it’s making me crazy.

The bf and I got into a giant argument over his taxes last night. I’ll save everyone from the drama of it all, but I’m sick of being bullied.

I’m depressed.

I know I need to make a change in my life otherwise nothing will get better. I need to find the strength to move forward.

My hormones are all over the place and l feel like crying one minute and screaming the next.

I need a hug. And a friend.

Received the biopsy report in the patient portal this morning. My results were benign. Huge relief. I’m still pissed I have to take the damn pill in order to “help” my issues. I’m giving it 3 months. If I don’t feel miraculously better than I’m currently feeling, I’m going back off it.

But I can breathe again. No cancer cells detected.

Monday.

The Bf is working 2.5 hours away this week. He left last night and will be returning Thursday, as of now. Although I’m annoyed he’s gone, I really needed the break. The past two weeks have been a vicious roller coaster of his emotions.

My parents are somewhere in the Bahamas. My dad changed his route and plan due to some strong storms approaching them. They will be spending the next 3 months traveling in the Bahamas, and who knows when they’ll be back. It’s been 4 months since they started their journey. And when I said they’d have to spend the same amount of time on the way back home, my mom brushed me off. There’s a possibility they’ll leave the sailboat in Florida for the summer and return in the fall to live down there for the winter months.

I’m anxiously awaiting the results from a uterine biopsy I had last week. I keep checking the patient portal even though the doctor said she’d call me with my results. I’m sure nothing serious is wrong. It’s stressful anytime a biopsy is needed. I went back on a birth control pill (at 43 years old- ugh); started again yesterday and I am bitter. It’s basically supposed to be a bandaid for the issues I have going on instead of digging further. Unless something comes up on the biopsy. My next appointment and next test is in another month. Look at me committing to my health in 2023.

The little man doesn’t have school today and I was going to take him to daycare, but… I woke up later than intended, then the shower head was spraying water either as a trickle or like a pressure washer. I spent 5 times longer in there than normal trying to avoid the water blasting my nipples off as I was rinsing my hair. By the time I got out of the shower it was time for me to start my work day and I still needed to put make up on and look presentable. So the little man got an extra hour of sleep and I’ve had a shitty start to my day.

I’ve had this orchid for at least a couple years. It hasn’t flowered since I bought it. I kept it because it grew new leaves and appeared to still be healthy. Obviously I made the right choice. New flowers for new new year 💜 #orchids https://www.instagram.com/p/Cncs8GsulRH/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#orchids

And just like that, he was a different person.

Last night the bf came home from work energized and talking about his day. He’s on a new site and running a crew and he’s excited about the work he’s doing. Not a single word was said about the things that happened or the things he said the previous two nights. He showered, ate dinner, played with our son and asked if I’d watch a show with him. He talked through most of the show. First about the better financial decisions he’s making, then about his tests next week, which will give him the ability to work at power plants (I think). This snowballed into him worrying about passing the tests, then saying he was just going to take them and not stress. Then he started voicing his concerns about the psychological test he has to take in order to complete the certification process. He’s afraid he won’t pass because of his PTSD and then he spiraled into saying this was the whole reason why he took this career path and it would hurt if he can’t do it because of this limitation. Fortunately I was able to calm him down and said we needed to take it one day at a time. And he ended the evening in an overall good mood.

But holy! If this series of posts doesn’t describe what it’s like living with someone who suffers daily from mental illness, I don’t know what does. I’m feeling a tad better than yesterday, but I’m still mentally drained. I wish I could be immune to these drastic mood swings. Although it doesn’t seem like it, I am handling them better than I did in the beginning part of our relationship. Just have to keep pushing forward and work on healing my own mental health.

I’m still not good today. I sobbed in the shower. I’ve been crying on and off all day so far. I don’t even really know why. I tried talking to the bf’s sister earlier for some guidance or support but she basically said it wasn’t her problem and that I should kick him out. Okay. Cool. She also doesn’t think he’s “sick” and doesn’t believe in his diagnosis, and doesn’t believe being in a war and killing people caused him any mental harm. So I don’t know why I bothered calling her. It must be nice to live thousands of miles away and not be exposed to his everyday life. She’s now deleted from my phone to make sure I don’t make that mistake again.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for or I what I need at the moment. All I know is I’m struggling and I can’t pull myself out of it.

Some days I really feel like I live in the twilight zone. I voiced how upset I was with the bf for his disappearing act. I made some accusations based on that and his history and the fact the day before he was bragging about how he still has to turn various advances down. Because he is the way he is, he twisted it around and accused me of cheating. What?

Backstory - A few years ago he saw a text notification from a male, who happened to be a old boyfriend, but was someone who was still a friend. He accused me of cheating then and when I said this person lived in a completely different state and I hadn’t seen him in years, he said I was having an emotional affair. Although I tried explaining it wasn’t like that, he insisted I was lying and still, all this time later, he brings it up saying I cheated.

Anyway, he spiraled. Like he usually does when I am upset with something he’s said or done. Telling me he would beat the shit out of this guy for ruining his family. There is no guy! Telling me I needed to end things with us. Telling me he won’t go the next level with me because of what I’ve done. Which was nothing but I lost the desire to remarry a long time ago. Telling me I’m a victim. What is he even talking about?

I slept in my daughter’s bed last night since she’s at her dad’s this week and I woke up miserable and angry. I know some of his behaviors are the reason why he was granted permanent disability, which is why I haven’t walked away but oh my friggin lord I am at the end of my rope. I truly don’t know how much more of this my mental health can take. In hindsight I shouldn’t have said some of the things I said to avoid provoking him (spoken like a true victim). Maybe it is time. My head hurts and I’ll probably delete this.

He made it 3 weeks. It’s definitely not a record and I’m absolutely not surprised.

I came home after picking up our son from daycare around 5:40pm and every light was on in the house (I think the bf has a fear of the dark), but his truck was gone. Not unusual, since he frequently goes to the gas station down the road for a soda or cigarettes. I texted him to ask where he was so that I could plan dinner, but I didn’t get a response. That’s when I knew he was at a bar.

He texted over 2 hours later and said he’d be home in a bit and that he was sorry. I responded back that I didn’t need or want empty apologies. He crawled into bed at 12:45am. Again he apologized and again I said he wasn’t sorry.

The act of him going to the bar to hang out with his friends is not what’s making me mad. It’s the lack of consideration and respect when he doesn’t bother to tell me he’s going to the bar. When he hides it and creates the illusion that he’s run out quickly to the store, it appears that he is hiding more than just a trip to the bar. It’s also the excessive drinking and driving home. When he went to the bar 3 weeks ago he decided to drive to his hunting camp at 2am and went off road claiming he hit a deer. His drinking is a huge trigger for me because of the times he was extremely mean. Although it’s been a long time since there’s been an incident, I can’t just let my guard down.

It’s very common for veterans with PTSD to have substance abuse issues. I know this. But he doesn’t think he’s an alcoholic because he didn’t drink much since he banged up his truck. The inability to stop drinking once he starts says otherwise. I know his drinking has gotten significantly better over the 7 years we’ve been together, I know things have improved considerably, however there’s still a long way to go.

I can’t change him. I can only change myself and how I react to his behavior. There needs to be better support programs for the significant others of war veterans, because this shit is hard.

Right back at ya!

wild-cabins

Huck

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And so the journey continues...