The Grass is Greener Where You Water it (or, 20 essential ingredients for a kick-ass marriage)
1. My spouse is not my soulmate. Thereās no such thing. The chances are good that I could get divorced from my perfect spouse today and find someone else that makes me as, if not more, happy. I believe it, I embrace it. I love my husband more having let go of the fantasy that my marriage could be bulletproof.
2. My marriage isnāt bulletproof. He or I could do something stupid or hurtful either intentionally or unintentionally and the whole thing could fall apart. Knowing this makes me more conscious of not doing something stupid or hurtful.
3. My marriage is a one-way street. Thatās not to say we donāt each have our own parts to play, but after 43 years on this planet I finally understand that Iām 100% responsible for how I behave in my relationship. He doesnāt make me feel anything, do anything or be anything. Everything I feel, everything I do, everything I am, Iām responsible for. I donāt blame him for my feelings, actions or decisions. Theyāre mine and mine alone. More importantly, I know he would say the same thing about himself.
4. We know what hills not to defend. We choose not to fight over dishes or laundry or where weāre going to go for dinner. When the house is messy, I pick it up because itās more important to me to have a tidy house than it is to him. When the front door is squeaking, he greases it because itās more important for him to have a quiet front door than it is to me. I donāt tell him to pick up and he doesnāt tell me to grease the door and we sure as hell donāt fight about it.
5. We keep our big fat mouths shut. Sometimes itās worth mentioning, but more often itās not. āItā could be anything, from my kidās tendency to spill every liquid within her reach to the fact that I can hear him chewing even though his mouth is closed. When weāre annoyed, we keep our big fat mouths shut.
6. We compliment one another every single day. It can be something as small as āyou smell good,ā or āthat shirt makes your eyes pop.ā Letting small kindnesses fall by the wayside as a marriage ages is a certain sign of impending misery.
7. I donāt say Iām fine when Iām not. Itās insulting to his intelligence and empathy to assume that he canāt handle hearing about whatās going on with me. If I donāt want to talk about it, I say Iād rather not talk about it. I donāt say Iām fine.
8. We have sex regularly. We have sex even when we donāt feel like it. Anyone who tells you that itās not important to have sex regularly is in a shitty relationship.
9. I apologize when I hurt him and he apologizes when he hurts me. Itās astounding to me how many people are incapable of saying, āIām sorry.ā A genuine apology is as empowering as it is healing. Try it.
10. We never, ever say anything negative or āconstructiveā about the otherās weight or appearance. Neither of us is blind to the fact that we could both stand to lose a few pounds, eat more vegetables and exercise more. But believe me, thereās just no happy ending when you start criticizing your spouseās weight or appearance.
11. We both think the other is beautiful. Physical attraction is important. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see him walk through the door.
12. We donāt place unfair significance on birthdays, anniversaries, or Valentineās Day. No one needs that pressure. We try to be kind and generous with one another every day. He brings me flowers on a random Tuesday and I sneak out early on a Saturday morning to run his car through the carwash. And when my birthday rolls around, he hugs and kisses me and says āHappy Birthday.ā Easy.
13. We recognize and embrace the fact that weāre both imperfect flesh-and-blood humans. We both shit, piss, fart, vomit sometimes, have skid-marks on our underwear, grow hair in unattractive places, and have to cope with bodily fluids like period blood, semen, snot and saliva. We donāt pretend we donāt.
14. We donāt go to the bathroom in front of each other. Why do couples do this? Some things should remain sacred. And besides, his bathroom time is sacred to him. He doesnāt need me in there brushing my teeth while heās drinking his coffee and having his morning constitutional.
15. We donāt shower together. Weāre not rich. We have a regular shower in a standard sized bathtub. Weāre grown adults. Two grown adults in a regular old shower is not romantic. Itās fucking cold and annoying.
16. We have similar values about money, saving and spending. Other people fight about money. We donāt. Not ever. Not even when we disagree, which we do sometimes. No one, on their deathbed, has ever whispered to their spouse, āI wish weād spent more time and energy hashing out our financial differences. We really missed out there.ā
17. Weāre both introverts. I donāt necessarily think that introverts always need to be with other introverts and extroverts always need to be with other extroverts, but my guess is that it saves a lot of heartache and irritation. We can be together all day, not talking, and itās never awkward. When I say I donāt feel like going out tonight, he says, āOK,ā not ādamn woman, we never do anything anymore!ā
18. I drive my car and he drives his car. Sometimes we take his car and when we do, he drives. Sometimes we take my car and when we do, I drive. It provides for some healthy balance and helps negate annoying gender roles.
19. We both stare at and admire fine-looking people and donāt hide it. There are some truly gorgeous people out there. More gorgeous than my husband or me, and we know it. When he looks, itās cool and when I look, itās cool. Sometimes one of us will even point out a sweet ass when we see one. Itās all good and neither of us is threatened.
20. We trust one another. Truly. But more significantly, we never do anything that will risk betraying that trust. We tell the truth even when it sucks. We donāt snoop in one anotherās phones, but neither of us has anything in our phones that we wouldnāt share with the other. We donāt monitor one anotherās spending, friendships or whereabouts. And we always share our spending, friendships and whereabouts.