— Story summary: You should have died that day. Instead, Joel Miller found you.
After the Millers saved your life, you became something of a miracle. Now you’ve been given a second chance, and the sweetness of your new home is overshadowed by the coldness of one of them: Joel. Unfortunately for him, Tommy assigns you to work by his side, as the assistant he claims he doesn’t need.
This basically translates to: Joel is a leading patrol man and he has to see you every day. <3
(Jackson!Joel x F!reader)
— Warnings: 18+ / MDNI / Big age gap (Joel is 60, reader is mid 30s — pick your age) / No Y/N use / story based on TLOU Part I and II, but with creative liberties taken ofc it's a fic let's have fun.
Part one: "When I close my eyes, it feels like home"
Part two: "In a lifeless memory, there you belong"
Part three: "You and me for evermore"
Part four: "I, the one who dimmed the Sun"
Part five: "And here lies the blade of my tongue"
Part six: "To bite this wayward tongue of mine"
Part seven: "Vanish in the morning's bloom, still follows you the faithful moon"
Part eight: "To the place I once belonged; silver moon, take me home"
Part nine: "Let the Thunder in, bathe it in Moonlight"
Part ten: "And on my warm chest, let your cold hands melt"
Part eleven: "Plastic rings around our fingers, we're going home"
content/warnings: joel makes sure everyone knows who you belong to, blood kink (like.. if this is not your thing please scroll), dark!joel, unspecified age gap, use of daddy, joel is possessive and controlling
it was girls night. well, it was supposed to be.
you were getting ready to go out with your friends— with plans to see a movie and get some ice cream. you had ditched them the last few weekends, joel always coming up with an excuse as to why you couldn't leave.
"nuh uh, you didn't finish your chores. next time, baby." or "you know that's past curfew, can't have you out after dark."
your friends didn't like him all that much. they believed he was too controlling, too mean, too scary. but they didn't know the joel that you knew— the one that protected you, nurtured you, saved you. the man who worked all day, every day just so that you didn't have to. you owed it to him to listen whenever he told you no, considering all that he does.
but joel was working late. he called you during his lunch break to let you know that it was taking him longer than expected, which meant he wouldn't be back in time to say no.
still, he knew something was up. you were too quiet when he talked to you that afternoon- not doing your usual whining whenever he had to break the news that he wouldn't be home for dinner, again.
you didn't fuss or even try to beg him to come home early like he expected you to. it made him feel good when you did that, being a reminder of how important he was. you depended and relied on him because he molded you to be that way, but to hear how much you wanted and needed him made everything worth it.
now joel was concerned. he sat back in his chair thinking about the last couple of days and your behavior. he hadn't checked your phone recently, could you have met someone new, maybe younger? were you losing interest in him, moving on? the thought alone had him seeing red.
so he ditched the rest of his work, and headed home.
˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
you didn't hear him come in, too busy applying another coat of lipgloss and checking yourself out in the bathroom mirror as he stood leaning against the doorframe.
"where do you think you're goin'?"
his voice startled you, dripping in a tone that you almost didn't recognize as joel's. it was low and unsettling, nothing like how it normally sounded when he greeted you.
you turned to meet his expression to see his face firm and unamused, not a twitch of a smile. you swallowed, eyes wide in shock.
"wh- what are you doing home so soon?"
"who are you to question me? i asked you somethin' first, so answer it." he gritted through his teeth, finger pointed at you.
"my friends wanted to see me, since you were still working i told them i could." you replied hesitantly, stepping back as he walked closer.
"so you were trying to sneak out? while daddy's busting his ass so that you have warm meals and a roof over your head, you were planning to go behind my back?"
you shook your head, frowning at his words. you hated to upset him and that wasn't your intention. he was right, he always was.
"it's not like that, i promise! we wouldn't be gone long, i swear."
joel didn't respond right away, silence lingering heavy in the air. your heart was thumping in your chest as he stared at you, finally getting a moment to scan over your figure to notice what you were wearing.
an outfit you had no business in is what it was. one he told you that you were only allowed to wear around him. it fit you perfectly— meaning it was too short, too pretty, too innocent.
joel was getting angrier the longer he looked at you. he realized you also did your makeup, the apples of your cheeks pink from blush and your lashes dark with mascara.
"think m'gonna let you leave the house lookin' like this? stupid girl."
before you could speak he cornered you against the sink, grabbing your waist and lifting you onto the counter as if you weighed nothing to him.
"dressed like you're seekin' another man's attention, damn shame. after everything i do for you." he muttered to himself, his fingers digging into the flesh of your stomach. you could tell by the pressure that he would leave bruises there tomorrow— and the more you whined, the harder he pressed.
he was too far gone to calm down at this point. you could tell by coldness in his demeanor and how he eventually stopped responding all together. his pupils were dilated, the rich shade of brown now blown to be pitch black.
"i don't have to go anymore, im sorry! we can stay here, together, please."
"too late for that, sweet baby." he parted your legs, nudging himself between the gap and impatiently shoving up the fabric of your skirt.
that's when you felt it. a cold, flat object dragging along the warm skin of your inner thigh. the cool sensation sent a chill up your spine, making you look down to spot the source.
he had a pocket knife in his right hand, the tip of the blade so close that it was ghosting just over your cunt.
it was the same one he always used. he kept it with him at all times, whether it was to crack open beers or to whittle his wood carvings. now he had the idea to use it on you.
your breath hitched, your body tensing as you watched him slowly brush it past your clothed clit. "joel, what are you-"
you were interrupted by the sound of cotton ripping, the blade slicing through the thin material of your underwear. you choked on a gasp, your eyes meeting his face to find a smirk. joel was skilled with a knife. he had years of experience longer than you were alive for, so he was more than careful and capable enough to assure he didn't hurt you. not there, at least.
"how can i leave y'alone when i can't even trust ya to stay put, huh? keepin' secrets, not being honest with me. maybe i ain't made myself clear yet."
he cut into your skin. a quick, thin line on the top of your thigh just under where your dresses normally stop at. you whimpered with a wince, beads of red prickling out from the area.
"shhh, it's okay. daddy's gotta do this though, so you'll learn." he pulled what used to be panties from underneath you, balling it together and holding the piece to your mouth. "here baby, bite down. it'll help."
you reluctantly accepted it, teeth clenching down and bracing from what was to come.
he used his other hand to hold down your leg. "try and stay still, so it comes out straight. want it to look nice." you felt the next cut, this time it hooking with a jagged curve at the end.
you sniffled through the pain, squeezing your eyes closed while he did the rest, tears falling from them with each incision-like gash. as much as it hurt, joel was gentle— mumbling praises "doing so well, sweetie." and "being such a good girl f'me."
his words went to your core, heating in sensitivity from the tingling burn that was left after each run of the blade which soon turned into pleasure. "you're enjoying this, aren't you? it's okay if you do."
you nodded desperately, a muffled mewl spilling from your lips while you bucked your hips for more.
the knife was soon replaced with something wet, providing relief to the wound. your vision, still blurry from the strain of crying, adjusted into focus see joel's head of curls crouched in front of you— face down and tonguing at the tender area.
he was licking your thigh, cleaning up the blood that had risen to the surface of your skin. he moaned into it, sucking with greed as if he craved the taste, placing kisses after each spot that he finished. it was a filthy imagine, downright horrific. "i could eat you all fucking day, baby, i swear. drain you dry."
the feeling was visceral, unlike any orgasm you ever had before. your legs were shaking as he did so, soaking the marble beneath you in your slick. he brought his mouth to your pussy and repeated the same actions there until you came, the sweet of your arousal mixing with the metallic of your blood that lingered on his tongue. his pulled back, his beard stained maroon— a color that could pass as being from a glass of wine.
what joel had done was sacred, intimate, metaphoric. a carnal desire, more true than any other act of love.
he made sure that he didn't go deep enough for stitches, but enough to leave a scar. one that would be a permanent reminder embedded and branded on you, forever.
summary: You are forced to marry quickly after a rumor is spread about you.
warnings: loose historical au (read I had no time period in mind just an idea which means historically inaccurate to any time period), forced marriage, forced proximity, religion (implied christian), unspecified age gap, shame, loneliness, guilt, religious guilt and shame, anxiety and depression, mentions of death/wanting to die, abusive family dynamics, kind of dad's friend but only kinda, fear of violence, fear of intimate violence, mentions of violence, gender norms of the time period, sexually inexperienced reader, brief smut (fingering, handjob, piv)
a/n: this was literally supposed to be 700 words. girl, anyway.
He is much older than you thought he would be.
Much older than you were led to believe in the feeble, short few days you had to come to terms with the betrothal.
Fear chokes you, holds your lungs in terrible, tight fists, as work roughened hands lift your veil.
This is how you first see him, cloaked in lace quickly scrounged by your mother for this moment, fingers trembling in white sleeves that don't belong to you. You have avoided looking at him, until this moment, unsteady gaze on his shoes instead, the hem of his trousers, afraid that you might lose your composure otherwise. And you will not give anyone the satisfaction of your tears.
The veil softens his features, rubs out some of the lines from his face like charcoal smudged on a page. You tilt your face up as he folds the fabric back. His movements are surprisingly gentle, careful not to brush your face or hair.
You keep your expression carefully composed, stony. He might be your father's friend and peer, but he is certainly older. His forehead is lined; crow's feet bracket his eyes. His beard is mostly gray, and it looks as though his dark hair is following suit. A scar bisects the bridge of his nose, others mark the high points in his cheeks, faint nicks that could have been from shaving or something else entirely. Brawling when he was a boy, maybe, falls taken while drunk.
It's hard for you to pass judgment since you don't know him at all.
Despite that, his shoulders are broad. His chest and arms are thick. He looks strong and capable, and that could bode very badly for you.
Even so, even so much older, he is handsome.
That handsomeness means nothing for you know nothing of him, of what kind of man he is, how he might treat you as a wife.
The chapel echoes around you, empty but for your father and the priest. White winter light spears down from a window set high in the stone wall, cold, high wind whistling just beyond.
His eyes travel over your face, cataloguing your features like you have been memorizing his. Your eyes meet his for the briefest of moments. The touch is not warm; his brows lower over a hardened gaze. He looks to the priest and nods, who begins the ceremony without preamble. Apparently your looks have been found suitable enough to go through with it.
You will yourself not to cry, to keep the bile rising up the back of your throat in check.
The words pass over you in a torrent, meaningless and loud, vows and promises of obedience and faithfulness, humility and deference. All, it seemed, directed at you. Your husband, you gather, would be your shepherd, your judge and jury, your king, dealing out punishment as he saw fit for the mistakes you were guaranteed to make.
Like a child. For obviously you, a girl, a woman, needed such guidance. Your family would.
Your stomach knots at the thought. Children, which meant you would have to endure the act you'd been accused of in the first place to land you here, in this quiet church on a blindingly cold Saturday morning. In shame, in relative secret.
"You have been ruined," your mother had said when you were told of the arrangement, spittle flying in her anger and disappointment. "We have no choice."
"Mother," you had pleaded, "It isn't true."
Her gaze had been cold and hard by necessity, steeling herself for the fate that awaited you. All because jealous girls had condemned you. "The mayor's daughter has spoken against you. Would accuse her of being a liar?"
Bad enough, to have relations out of wedlock; terrible, wretched, that you had done so where someone could see. That you had been caught in the snow, against the side of her father's stables with a farmhand. Loud and unseemly, and, worse, unabashed. The picture of untrammeled lust.
"I did not—" You had protested, throat thick with tears. "I haven't spoken more than a word to the boy." Boy, because he was a few years younger than you. He'd eagerly taken up the story from the mayor's daughter, something swaggering in his voice, falsely humbled by his mistake for which he would not be punished. The only reason you were not being forced to marry him, was his engagement to the daughter's best friend. Though, she had not looked happy to be taking on the embarrassment of being attached to a man with a wandering eyes, something mean had glittered in her face too. "I wasn't even anywhere near those stables—"
"Enough!" Her voice had rung loudly in the kitchen. "It's been settled. You will be grateful anyone would marry you with those accusations hanging over your head. It's this or-or," she stammers over the words, "destitution."
It doesn't matter. You know nothing you could say matters. It's the mayor's darling daughter's word, and all her friends', against yours, and you have spent too many years being untamed for it to matter. You should have been married years ago, instead you disappeared into the forests surrounding the village for days at a time, read when you should have been pursuing the womanly arts of cooking or mending or weaving, argued when you should have practiced humility and silence, skipped Sunday service. Worn trousers only once, because you had received lashes for that.
You were accused of waywardness or sharpness of tongue and ill discipline. Someone, the whispers said, should have beaten it out of you long ago; that a timely marriage and children could have mellowed you out.
Too late for all that now.
"An old friend of your father's has graciously agreed to help us," she'd said casually, bustling about the washing. "You're lucky he is in need of a wife."
It froze something within you. "Mother, please—"
"You should have been married years ago, anyway," she says briskly. "Your father should have never allowed you such wildness and freedom. It does not suit a lady. Look where it has landed you."
Her scorn hurt, and your venomous tongue retaliated. "But to a man I don't know? You would throw me to wolves for this? He might be a brute—"
"You could do with a hard man," she'd said, not looking at you. "It might finally teach you your place."
"I would rather die—" you'd all but choked.
"By all means," she'd all but snarled, throwing down the washing in her hands, "drown yourself in the river if you see fit to. It would spare us the shame."
She had refused to come to the chapel, though she'd helped you dress, done your hair, that morning. She walked as far as the gate at the end of the yard, and you'd sworn as you walked away, through the encroaching blizzard, that you'd heard her sob.
You suspect your father is only present because it is his duty to present you, and give you away. Since the accusation, he hasn't been able to look at you. His darling daughter he'd always been so kind to, so proud of despite the way people spoke of you, your cleverness.
The thought makes your throat ache, that they could so easily lose their only child.
A hand touches yours and you jump.
Your fiance slides his rough palm around your hand and grips it softly in his, squeezing. He says your name, a question in his voice, and you feel faint, dizzy.
The priest clears his throat and you sense that you've been absent from the room for longer than you meant to be, lingering in memories that already seem a lifetime ago. The vows are repeated again, droning and long.
His hand is warm on yours, your trembling, icy fingers.
You are thankful you don't have to repeat the vows verbatim. Saying his name would rot something inside you, falsehoods hidden inside promises. I take thee, Joel—
No. You couldn't bear it.
All you have to do is say—
"I do."
You aren't sure it's your voice but who else could have said it?
Far away inside yourself, you watch in horror as his mouth repeats the same.
"I do."
A deep voice, like his mouth is cave.
You brace yourself for his kiss, his touch, his head bowing over yours, but he only squeezes your hands again and releases you.
Like birds with broken wings, they fall limp at your sides.
The men gather themselves, leave you at the altar along as the descend from the pulpit and cross the chapel.
You hear warnings as you stand there alone in the pale shaft of light that grows fainter with each passing moment, the storm worsening outside, the sun already sinking on this terrible December day.
Headstrong, you hear of your character.
Willful.
Stubborn.
Needlessly reckless, sharp tongued, sly.
A tricky little thing.
"She may require a firm hand," the priest says, "I know her temperament well, have known her since she was a child. But she's a good girl and will learn her place, with the proper corrections. She can learn to be an obedient wife."
Your father doesn't dispute this as help from the church is offered, if needed, to assist you in learning the place and pace of an obedient, good wife. Spending time with godly women, instead of among the trees. "And mother," he adds. "Of course." He chuckles, "Winter is very long here. And she is nearly past childbearing years."
It's bullshit, of course.
It should not be possible for your stomach to knot itself more, but something sours and you have to press a hand to your stomach to keep the empty maw yawning open inside you at bay.
You still stand at the head of the church, listening to this, thinking that the icy water of the river might yet be an option. Maybe you can fling yourself off the wagon as you pass over a bridge.
The priest calls your name sharply, and makes an exaggerated gesture toward your husband. "Off with you, girl. Your husband is waiting or did you not notice?" His expression, when he turns back, says, see? this is the obstinacy I tell you of.
Joel doesn't comment and you can't yet read the expression on his face .
He pushes the church doors open and disappears into the worsening storm, the coming night.
You are not even afforded a wedding band.
.
.
.
Though his home is supposedly only a half day's ride west from your town, it is full dark by the time you arrive.
You have never really left your village before, and to you it seems a world away and terribly lonely. Isolated. A cottage at the edge of the world, hemmed in by bristling fir trees, whispering snow drifts.
You're glad to be there, if only to get out of the snow and wind, away from his body next to yours on the wagon bench that you want to curl into just to warm yourself for a moment.
Joel offers you a hand which you reluctantly take, helps you down from the wagon. He ushers you inside and says something about the horses before he disappears back into the storm, leaving you there alone. The space is small and cold, the hearth only ashes after his day away from home.
Though you're freezing, you can't make yourself stoke the fire.
Although, maybe if you did and he could warm himself, he might not want to warm himself with you. On the other hand, maybe warmth would encourage him, would tempt him.
In either case, you're a wife now and you watched your mother long enough to know what that means. Aside from the rest of it, he will expect cooking, a hot meal when he comes back inside.
But, the priest and your father had called you stubborn, and so you would be. You might as well be all the things they accused you of.
Something petulant pulses in your belly.
Swallowing your anxiety, you perch at the table and decide to wait. You don't want to serve him; you don't want to be his wife. And, besides, you don't know what provisions he has, where the larder is. He may beat you for poking around where you don't belong while trying to find it.
Every choice seems worse than the last, so you refuse to make one. You sit at the table, freezing slowly as the snow on your shoulders melts and bleeds into your coat. You feel a distance from yourself, as though you are literally frozen to the chair, mind pulling apart from your body like sticky caramel leaving looping threads behind. Time crawls by and you aren't sure how much of it passes before the door bangs inward in a swirl of white.
When he comes in, his eyes flick to the cold grate, to the empty stove. He does not berate you. He doesn't look at you at all.
Joel merely passes you at the table and builds up the fire, a process that takes longer than it should because the wood is wet. He hadn't any by the stove and had to bring some in, snow flecked and iced over.
You don't offer him any conversation, and he leaves you to your thoughts until quietly coaxed meek flames sputter into a roar.
It's only then that he speaks to you for the first time.
"You're cold. C'mon over here and warm up."
You're terrified to approach him, and hesitate to buy time. "You've been working so hard," you offer demurely as you can. These are some of the first full sentences you've spoken to him. "You should warm up."
He eyes you for a moment. "You're shiverin'."
There's no denying it. Tremors rack your shoulders, the thick wool of your coat soaked and weighed down.
You clear your throat and stand, steeling yourself to stand next to him at the grate, to surely have his hands press against you. You're his wife now, sold like a pig to slaughter, and he will want to touch you. You might as well stop being prudish about it and get over it. As far as he's been told, as far as your reputation is concerned, you are versed in this anyway.
You smooth out your skirts and approach.
To your surprise, he moves out of the way, giving you a wide berth to stand at the fire alone.
"You can take your coat off," he offers.
"Must I?" You ask, a tad snarkily, without thinking.
"No," he answers, and you swear his mustache twitches, like he is repressing a smile, "might help with the cold, though."
It weighs heavily on your shoulders, cold and wet. You know he's right but shedding it feels like peeling off your skin, all that's beneath is that thin, hurried, second-hand wedding dress.
Even as unconventional a girl as you were, as opinionated and strong willed, you'd always dreamed of a wedding. A love match, in a dress sown by your mother's hands, witnessed by your friends and family, merriment, so many flowers you could drown in them. Instead, this. A fist closes tightly around your heart, squeezes until it feel like something might pop.
Joel opens cabinets, pulls out provisions you hadn't dared to look for earlier. His hands are rough and red from the cold, the brutal weather. The knobs of his knuckles are swollen. You sense he's keeping his back to you, moving slowly, so that you can observe him uninterrupted. Snow is peppered over his shoulders and hair, still unmelted for how cold the room is.
Despite it all, you find you'd like to touch that fine snow, curl a lick of dark hair around your finger just to see if it was as soft as it looked.
You unfasten the buttons and let the coat slip down your shoulders. The warmth is sudden and hot against your back through the thin material of the dress. You turn into it and close your eyes, try to imagine you're by the hearth at home, flames flicking hungrily behind your eyelids.
Joel clears his throat, nearer than you expect, and you start. "I'll hang that up to dry," he says, holding out a hand. "You hungry?"
You clutch the coat to your chest before releasing it to him, careful not to touch his hand. "No," you answer, sure that putting anything in your body would come straight back up. "But please, you should sit," you plead. You hate how simpering you sound, your voice an unrecognizably anxious animal in your throat. But he wields so much power over you, will always now, and should be decide you weren't fit to be his wife he could cast you out, or correct you as he saw fit. You are now this, forever. Nothing but this. "I'm your wife," you continue, the word hot and dry in your mouth, "and it's my duty. Let me fix something for you. I'm a decent cook."
You are a terrible cook. You never had the patience, which had made your mother click her tongue. But there are a couple things you learned to make.
Joel, to your surprise, waves you down, after hanging your coat on a hook by the door. "That's all right. I've been feedin' myself for awhile; one more night won't hurt nothin'."
You hover awkwardly and only sit when he insists that you do, warming yourself by the hearth while he rummages around.
The wind moans outside, rattles the shutters and the panes of glass in their window frames. The front door creaks, like someone is leaning on it, trying to get in.
The sounds are lonely but you don't break the silence of his quick dinner.
He clears the table and then sets about filling a warming plate with hot coal from the grate.
You heart stutters a nervous tattoo in your chest when he disappears with it through a door behind you. Your mind had skimmed over it, not let you contemplate where it might lead.
All the stories you've heard from the many girls that married before you told of pain, that it was just something you endured for your husband's pleasure. It feels okay, you'd heard from one blushing friend, whispering just outside the belfry on summer afternoon, once you get used to it. But it's awful to start.
It does not help matters, that your mother made the man out to be a brute, that he might be the man to cure you of your willful ways.
What wilfulness, you have to wonder.
You simply did as you pleased, which, you suppose was the point. Women were to be obedient and meek, led not leaders. You took your own counsel, spoke your mind. Look where that had landed you. With the mean daughter of the mayor jealous and telling tales of all that time you spent alone.
It had all ended with a husband twice your age, that you did not know, that might be a strict disciplinarian. Your world had always been small, but you were free to roam it. Now it has shrunken to the size of a pin. To this room and this man and nothing more.
And, you are terribly afraid of violence.
Your parents were never strict with you, had hardly ever used corporal punished. You don't know how to endure that kind of pain. Better to be cautious for now, follow each of his whims, bow to any request or demand. You can push later, find the weak spots later, you only have to bear him for now.
Joel returns twice for more pans of coal, lids snapping closed with a metallic clang, before he carries your little suitcase through.
You stand when he gestures you within.
The room is spare and clean, and you have to tramp down the instinct to turn and run, fling yourself into the snow and run until your legs gave out.
The door closes behind you with a soft snick. To contain the heat of the room, you think desperately.
Something rustles and you turn to find him undressing.
You have never seen a man's nude body before, aside from the time you and a friend has spied on boys at the river once when you were young, seeing nothing but murky water and thin, veiny chests, and the curious part of you just wants to watch, to discover it. Instead, you reach for the buttons on your dress and follow suit, fingers shaking.
It seems odd, you think, that he isn't touching you, tugging the fabric loose himself, but maybe this is how it's done. Maybe this is how he does it. Perhaps you should be helping him.
You glance up to find him still not looking at you, redressing in warm underclothes.
You falter, unsure, and let the buttons hang loose at your chest.
The uncertainty is making you feel like a caged animal.
What does he want with you? You can take it into your own hands.
They had called you brave and determined, let that be true.
You let the dress slip off your shoulders and pool on the floor. You step out of the ring of fabric, approach him slowly, presenting yourself to him in your underthings, shoulders bare, nipples perking against the fabric in the bone-deep cold.
His eyes travel the length of your body, eyes eventually landing on yours.
His gaze doesn't seem aggressive, but men are good at hiding it when they liked to. Maybe you're seeing what you need to, to reach for his hands.
Joel curls one hand around both of your wrists, stops the trajectory of your hands toward his chest. "We don't have to."
A confused combination of rejection and relief rushes through you. "I'm your wife. You don't want to have me?"
He exhales, his warm breath ghosting over your lips. "It ain't that. I know you didn't choose to marry an old man," he says, tongue soaked with a bitterness turned inward. He releases your hands, steps back. "I'm sorry I don't have nowhere else for ya to sleep."
"Oh," you murmur, a tight fist clenching around your throat.
You had been prepared for anything but consideration, but this.
None of this is how you imagined marriage, a husband, this long night.
He nods, doesn't seem to expect you to say anything else. You close your hands around one of his. "Husband," you say softly, saying his name feels too intimate. "I can't bear the uncertainty. Please, I would rather have it done."
Joel watches you, his eyes flicking between both of yours. He covers your hands with his free hand and pushes them down. "Nothin' to be uncertain about. I won't touch you."
He moves away, seeming to mean what he said.
The candles are blown out, the room plunged into darkness and you settle in the blissfully warm bed together, a wide space between your bodies.
The coverlet smells of sweet summer hay, at odds with the chill in the room, freezing your nose. It smells of something deeper too, a heady scent of salt and skin and cotton.
You don't dare sleep, despite his words and supposed kindness.
It could be a trick, a test, something to make you loosen your guard, for you to fall asleep only to wake with those rough hands on your body, pulling you apart in ways you can only guess at.
You lie in the dark, missing something you never even really had.
His breathing evens and deepens in sleep, but adrenaline and distrust and worry won't let you follow. You do not want to follow. You watch his shoulders lift through the dark, the line of his nose, the part of his chapped lips.
Eventually the world lightens to a gray muteness beyond the shuttered windows, and only then do you let yourself cry.
Mourning, but relief, too, that at least the first night is over.
.
.
.
While the blizzard abates over the next few days, the snow does not.
It continues down day after day, making the already perilous, winter weathered roads, completely impassable. You are stuck, trapped, an animal with it's foot caught in a snare.
For the first three days, you don't sleep at all, forcing yourself to stay awake and vigilant by any means, pinching your skin until you bled to forego sleep. But eventually exhaustion forces you to, shepherds you into dreams where it's warm, there are no men, no churches or mayor's daughters, and you walk unmolested through green forests alone, only a leather-bound notebook and leaping fish for company.
You wake and mourn something that will never be.
The land is beautiful, at least, iced white like the little cakes you sometimes saw in the baker's window just down the road from your home, but brutal and harsh, unforgiving.
You become aquatinted with Joel's house and the keeping of it, and feel quietly relived when he spends most of the day tending to the land, the horses, the other animals in the stables you've yet to see. You sense that he doesn't know what to make you of either, what to do with you, how to interact with you, how to fit together now that you're condemned to be stuck that way.
Loneliness infects you like a sickness, an unattractive melancholia that's only broken in the evenings when you warm yourself at the grate and eat dinner with Joel. Even though you don't speak the company is welcome, just the presence of him buoys you a little, shields you from the cold. Your fears that he would be a terror to you pass slowly, though you haven't had the opportunity to do something that might require his retributive, readjusting hand, stuck inside as you are.
A guiding hand, the priest would call it, towards the just path of being a good wife.
You mend clothes, cook to the best of your ability, sweep and scrub and wash until your hands are raw and stinging from the pervasive cold. You yearn to wander as you used to, to walk among the swaying, frozen trees, to at least go outside. You tell yourself that you are working toward asking him, that you won't neglect tasks for it.
As long and terribly lonely as the days are, the nights are worse. You ache with homesickness and betrayal. You are without even the comfort of your own things, since passing the roads are impossible, you only have the small suitcase you'd been able to carry. Your father had been set to deliver your things the next day. You have no way of knowing if he even attempted the journey.
A different feeling has joined that cacophony of confused familial hurt, something like lust and shame.
Joel washes before bed at the basin on the dresser, and you are often subject to this display though he turns his back to you. You are the one to lie out the cloth, the soap, and warm the water he uses to wash away the stink of the stables. Musky leather and hay and heady sweat, replaced with the clean scent of soap and skin. Often, water drips down his broad shoulders, pools at the base of his spine, curves over the thick, twisting muscle in his biceps and forearms.
He is no boy at a river, but neither is he your contemporary. His chest hair is gray as the hair of his beard, wrinkles tucked into curious corners of his body. It fascinates you, so different from your own body.
Betrayal of yourself pulses between your thighs, an ache that you want to reach beneath the coverlet and touch away, though you don't dare.
Each night, you expect to be the one where he reaches for you, claims you and seals your marriage but he never does.
You remember your friend's words. It would hurt and then be okay. You want to know for yourself what okay feels like.
It makes you wonder what it would be like, a curious daydream.
One horrible night, your usual dream of freedom morphs into that want, only it's not your hand massaging away the want, but Joel's. Those rough, broad fingers between your legs. You had to roll out of bed and gulp down water at the pitcher in the corner of the room, feeling stupid and wretched. Silly, even. For what would he get out of touching you there? Nothing, just your own desire run amok.
The closest you get to touching him, is bandaging his cold ruined hands, standing between his legs where he sits at the table, looking and not looking at him, his eyes raking over you. He had said thank you so earnestly, it had made your face warm.
Weeks pass into more than a month and a half in this way, one cold, dark day bleeding into the next, the soft humiliation of feeling unwelcome and unwanted and terribly alone, like a butterfly with it's wings pinned. For all your intrigue, he seems profoundly uninterested in you. He leaves you to your own mind, to your own lonesomeness. You are, maybe, just a girl that did his cooking.
You long to stretch your legs, take a walk, explore uninterrupted as you used to, report what you saw in the journal you haven't dared to take out in front of Joel, buried in your case beneath your clothes. You're already trapped, what if he didn't like you to write? Trapped by body and mind might really drive you to drown yourself in a river or go seeking a length of rope.
Things change when he finds you crying one evening, from the ache in your chest, from the caged wounded-ness, from the fear that still occasionally lurched to the front of your mind, for all the cruelties he could inflict so suddenly, if he chose.
You don't dry your eyes quickly enough and the next sleepy afternoon, eyes drooping from boredom, Joel slips inside in a burst of cold, snow peppered in his hair. Before you have the chance to offer him supper from the stove, he's saying your name and giving you pause.
"You want to come out to the stables? Maybe it'd do you good to get out of this house." If you didn't know better, you'd say he sounds worried.
"Are you—"
"I ain't puttin' you to work just yet," he says with a smile. It's a joke, and you find it disarming. "Just to stretch your legs. See another living thing that ain't me."
"Yes, okay," you agree, maybe too quickly and eagerly, because he laughs. You let him hold out your coat so you can slip your arms into the sleeves.
Joel holds the door open and offers his arm for you to balance on as you cross together through the thick icy drifts of snow to the stables. His arm is sturdy and strong beneath your fingers, warm even through all the layers you're both wearing. Fat flakes of snow sticks to your lashes, white flurries drowning your vision of Joel. His strong jaw, the tight squint of his eyes against the white glare of the world.
You glance away, feel that tightness bloom in your belly.
It feels good to walk, to cross a distance instead of pacing the cottage floor in circles all day long. He pulls back the stable door. It's surprisingly warm within, from the combined heat of the animals' bodies and whatever work he'd been sweating over. There are two horses and a cow, a smattering of chickens with their own little coop at the back.
You can't help but rush to them, patting noses, feeling hot breath on your face. The chickens squawk something terrible, but a spotted one rubs against your leg and let's you bend at the waist to pet it.
Joel fiddles around at a bench in the corner, breath puffing before his face. You see the flash of a pairing knife, wood shavings fluttering to the ground.
You tentatively creep closer, trying to peer over his shoulder at what he might be making. You would have never guessed he was creative.
"We only have goats," you say as you stroke the face of the mare whose stall is nearest Joel, as near as you can get without being obvious. "Very mean and terribly stubborn."
He chuckles, puts down his work and leans over the side of the stall. "Well, none a' those here."
It's silent for a long time, the plunk of snow against the roof, the quiet sound of the animals breathing. Joel clears his throat awkwardly after awhile and you stiffen. "Listen, I know we ain't had the best start with the weather and all. That and I'm not exactly the husband anyone looks for."
You turn to him, meeting his eyes, and feel something between you soften. "You've been kind to me. Kinder than I deserve," you answer. "Considering that marrying me will have hurt your reputation."
You wonder what he was promised in return for this. You assumed it was a child, that he was getting older and wanted to continue his line and so needed a young wife. But, he hasn't attempted to touch you at all.
"Ain't really got a reputation to speak of anyway," he chuckles. "Never cared about it neither."
How you wish you had the luxury of not caring about it. You glance away, smooth your fingers down the horse's freckled nose. "Were you ever married before?"
"Once," he answers. "Long time ago."
"When did she die?"
Joel shifts. "Hasn't," he grunts. "Far as I know. One mornin' she was gone, never came home."
You feel your eyes go wide. "Oh. I didn't know."
A runaway wife.
A vast thing you did not know possible.
"It's all right." He shakes his head. "I'm guess I'm askin' what I can do to help you feel better about this whole mess. I shouldn't have—" he waves a hand toward the direction of the house, "just left you on your own for so long. In the house. I figured it was better. That you might not. . ." He doesn't continue and you don't need him too.
He thought he was making you more comfortable, that you wouldn't have liked his company.
You don't correct him, because it's true. When you first arrived it was very true.
"Oh." You think for a long moment, of all the silence and tiptoeing around each other. Maybe there's a better way than that, if not the way of a married couple. "They lied about me, you know. The mayor's daughter and her friends and that boy. I didn't do anything wrong."
He looks a little embarrassed to be hearing talk of your supposed sin of the flesh so bluntly. "I figured," he answers, rubbing his chin.
You blink. "You did?" He nods and you continue. "She was jealous, I think, that I did as I pleased. I guess that's what could help me." You hurry to continue, because he'd only just told you of his first wife disappearing without a trace. "Of course, I would keep up with the work, and I can help here, too," you gesture around. "I'd like to help with the animals. . .But I'd like to roam, too."
He thinks on it for a long minute. "I'd maybe even appreciate work out here more. I can milk the cow, if it's anything like milking a goat. I can chop wood. If you'd allow it."
That earns you a chuckle. "You want to chop wood?" He asks, a little amused.
"If you'd allow it," you cast your eyes down. "Of course I don't want to disobey you."
You aren't expecting him to take your hand and jump when he does. You'd both removed your gloves when you entered the barn and his skin is warm and calloused against your own.
His jaw works as he contemplates you, a fascination in his eyes. "Forget all that nonsense about obeying and whatever else that priest was goin' on about." He shakes his head, "I'm too old to think any of it means anything."
You aren't sure what he means by that, but nod all the same.
"So, how 'bout this. We'll start takin' it all on together. I did my own damn housework for years so I ain't completely useless. And you can help chop wood, if it suits you to."
It sounds too good, so you contain your enthusiasm and nod. "A fine idea. We might know each other better then, to spend some time togeher."
He nods, and something pink rises in his cheeks. "And," he shuffles his feet, squeezes your hand in both of his. "that's enough. Understand? You're might be my wife, but I'm no fool."
You understand what he means. That this thing is more partnership than relationship. It soothes you, if it also disappoints you a little. All those parts of him you think of exploring, suddenly out of reach.
"I understand."
"Good, come spring, when it's warmer, we'll figure something better for sleepin'."
You nod and then dare to ask, "And wandering? If the work is finished and I'd like to walk alone?"
He touches your cheek for the first time, the barest brush of his fingers, a tentative affection. "Always home before dark. That's all I ask."
"I can do that." You cradle the hand that had touched your face against the mare's stall, daring to hope.
You feel like you can breathe for the first time since the mayor's daughter stood and pointed her finger at you in church all those weeks ago.
.
.
.
Spring comes late in the year this far north.
The roads turn to mud that sticks the horses' hooves in place, bogs down the wagon.
Joel watches you lift the ax above your head and bring it neatly down on the splint of wood balanced on the stump in front of you, just the way he'd shown you months ago, in the dead of that terrible winter. If you wanted to chop firewood, who was he to tell you not to?
The shawl around your shoulders flutters in the breeze as you retrieve the fallen logs, reveals the strength in your forearms.
He glances away. You are the most unsettlingly pretty creature he's ever set eyes on, and much too young for him. Much too good for him, much too good for anyone. All the warnings he'd been given on your temperament had sounded only like compliments to him, and he'd been proven right. And now that you'd loosened, he appreciates your unflinching opinions, your sharp pointed tongue.
And, Joel doesn't necessarily mind being bossed all that much. You're usually right, anyway.
If he is worried sick right up until the moment when you return to the cottage when you roam about, no one is the wiser of it. You always return before dark, and he never tells you not to go.
Some creatures just didn't need caging; they'd come home all on their own if you let them.
Preventing you from walking alone, taking time to yourself to explore would be akin to clipping a bird's wings. He's sorry for all those weeks at the start when he left you inside, hadn't realized you thought you couldn't leave the cottage, not even just outside.
It's still cold and your breath unspools in front of you in a pale cloud as you work, sweating and breathing hard through your teeth.
He feels a longing for you that he probably shouldn't. He had made a promise to you and he intended to keep it, wife or not. You content now, at ease, in his presence. The longer he keeps that vow as the days grow longer, the more you'll settle.
Soon, the roads will clear and you can go into the village for supplies that are bitterly needed after such a long winter. He thinks you'll like the town, less haughty and judgemental than the one you grew up in.
The afternoon sun dapples over your skin, makes the sweat on your brow, at the base of your throat, shimmer. He glances away, his thoughts already spiraling toward what you will smell like that evening, coated in a day's hard work. Lying beside you each night in bed is a sweet, unending torture. You dream often, murmuring in your sleep, occasionally pierced with a cry, sometimes a grunt and moan. Mouth parted, chest heaving. He wonders what or who you dream of, and goes to great pains to hide how hard he often is in the morning.
It feels sort of like a betrayal, how quickly his mind conjures up your bare skin, waiting and open, unfolding just for him, the imagined taste of you on his tongue, the plush part of your lips, little pink tongue pressing against your teeth.
He could only endure it. Once summer came, he might be able to take care of it elsewhere and not risk you overhearing, or worse, catching him.
Aside from the torture of sleep, everything else is fine. You're clever and quick; a better chess player than him by far. You best him nearly every evening you plat. You write and draw in a little notebook that you once squirreled away like he might take it. Now, you leave it on the table, let him read little bits of stories, thumb through your drawings of animals you come across. You only have to hear something once to be able to repeat it verbatim, reciting poetry or stories not in your notebook for him when requested.
You've improved his life, the cottage and farm, in way he wouldn't have been able to picture before. This isn't what your father had meant when he came begging him to marry you and save their reputation, said Joel could use a woman's touch, a kind of helper.
It was bullshit, but maybe the loneliness finally got the better of him. After his wife disappeared, he hadn't thought of remarrying. Clearly he's the type you leave.
He continues watching you, brushing the mare, when the sound of an approaching wagon meets his ears. Joel glances up to find the ax abandoned against the stump, you hurrying quickly toward him in the mouth of the open stable.
"Someone's coming," you say, brow creased with worry, reaching for his sleeve. "Joel, I thought the roads were too—"
"Me too," he answers, checking the revolver at his hip. "Let's see who it is." He pushes his hand against your spine and feels your body loosen as you walk together toward the distant road.
The wagon plodding up the road eventually pulls to a muddy stop just at the fence line, a man jumping down from the driver's seat. "Father," he hears you murmur, before starting across the yard without waiting for him.
Joel follows, watches his old friend wrap an arm around you, murmuring your mother's sent greetings. You face folds at the mention of your mother, but you brighten quickly.
Joel hadn't even known your father had a daughter, until he appeared like a wraith at the edge of his land all those months ago, begging a favor.
Joel had told you of his own daughter one late evening when neither of you could sleep. Feeling your comforting warm attention across the mattress as he spoke to the dark ceiling. How his wife leaving, had also been a mother leaving.
Sarah had died very, very young, and though he'd never know for certain, he can't imagine selling her off the way your father had you. A wad of cash offered like you were goods to be traded in service of their name. It had soured his opinion of the man, and any leftover good will he felt toward him when they were younger.
Soiled, now that Joel was a hypocrite, finding comfort, among other feelings, in you, even if you were his wife. You're young, and you've placed immeasurable trust in him that he'd had to very carefully earn.
Joel joins you and shakes your father's well meaning hand as you say, "Stay for dinner, please. We'd love to have you and hear any news from town. We've been alone all winter."
"Of course," he answers jovially, glancing over you. "I thought for sure you'd have a spring chicken on the way, my dear."
It takes you a long moment to realize what he's getting at. A complicated knot of feelings writhes over your face before hurt dominates.
He clearly expected to find you pregnant.
You smile and don't answer, leading them toward the house instead.
.
.
.
The afternoon air is already below freezing again when your father finally leaves, wagon disappearing back down the road, unloaded of your meager things that you haven't missed in months. An odd anxiety has taken hold of you, and though you have too many chores to get done, you tell Joel you're going on a walk and leave without waiting for an answer.
You feel like a lamb put out to slaughter, though what else should your father have expected than to find you a pregnant wife, muted and different than you had been before marriage. It stings that he hadn't even asked after your well being, if Joel was treating you well, was good to you. It didn't matter you suppose, you aren't his problem, and if your husband saw fit to be cruel to you, that was that man's right.
He'd sat at the table and talked only to Joel where once he used to look to you, find pride in his clever daughter's conversation.
Now, you are silent, talked about like you aren't present, about how well you are or aren't fulfilling wifely duties. Clearly you'd failed in at least one respect since you were not pregnant. Never would he guess that Joel had never even stuck you, left the marriage unconsummated. It makes you feel adrift, all the easier to discard, since he could easily nullify the marriage for something like that.
You couldn't read how Joel felt about the whole thing as your father threw out childhood anecdotes about your petulance and reluctance to learn from your mother without care.
Humiliating. It made you seem frivolous and silly. Worse, many times over he implied thanks to Joel for the purchase of damaged goods, your supposed fling with the farmhand referenced repeatedly and only thinly veiled by polite convention.
Joel, apparently a damned martyr for marrying you. He was suffering so greatly by taking your hand in marriage.
Though, your father had said, wiping his chin of the grease spilling down it, good to have a woman's touch, as I told you before. It's no good for a man to take on duties of the home, or be, ah, alone all the time. I don't know how you stood to be without a wife for so many years.
It was a humiliating, punishing few hours. Clearly, your family had not thought of you beyond gladness that your indiscretion no long sullied their name.
You feel foolish too, for the affection you feel for Joel. When you are only a little help mate to him. That is why he draws no closer, doesn't really want to know you as a husband would know you.
You walk and walk, head down, alternating between seething rage and despair in turns. You don't notice the shadows creeping in at the edges of your vision, how quickly the sun has sunk behind the mountains. A horrible shame traces up your spine, making you shiver.
The world is still icy and cold, snowbanks piled high between muddy ruts cut into the earth. You don't notice how close you've strayed to the rushing creek, swollen with melted snow runoff spilling down the mountainside. Your boot catches on the edge of a slick stone.
You grasp at a low hanging tree branch to keep upright but fall into the water heavily, spluttering as it sweeps you into it's rush. Your lungs feel frozen as you gasp and flail for anything to find purchase on. All those times you thought of throwing yourself to a river's mercy, here was God doing it for you, for your ungrateful hardness, a nasty little girl that wanted too much and had no good sense.
Maybe God thought you had sex with that farmhand too.
Or maybe it was the sins of the flesh you imagined with a husband that did not return your desire.
It's almost easy to stop fighting the current and let it drag you down instead. You can't swim and maybe this is fate. No one would miss you, people would sigh and say maybe it was the most decent thing to happen to you, a blight scorched off the town's good name.
The water closes over your head, darkness swims at the corners of your vision.
You aren't sure how long you're under when something hard catches under your elbow, hauls you coughing and spluttering to shore.
A face looms above yours as you try to draw breath into your frozen lungs, coughing until you turn on your side and throw up, first water and then the little dinner you'd been able to stomach. "Breathe," a voice murmurs, which you only belatedly connect to Joel. Then, angrier, "What the hell were you thinkin'?"
You can't answer him just yet, feeling faint, still hiccoughing into the dirt, lungs still spasming from the shock of the cold water.
"Before dark," he growls suddenly when you finally manage to suck in a full breath of night air. "Come home before dark. That is the one goddamn thing I asked from you."
A new fear steals into you, that you will finally find out what happens when you disobey, and on the heels of your father, Joel's good friend, reminding him that you were dirty and used, beneath him in almost every way.
You cower, waiting for a blow on the black soil of the creek bank. "Joel, please, I'm sorry—" The word sicks in your graveled voice.
It doesn't come right then. Instead, his arms fit beneath your legs, around your back, and lifts you from the ground. "Jesus, sweetheart, no—I got you," he says softly. "Just breathe."
"Joel—"
"'s all right, now."
"Please don't—"
"We're just goin' home, or you'll freeze to death."
Your mind sways in and out of consciousness as he walks, dark branches wheeling above your head in a dark tangle, the world silent and near pitch black by the time you return to the cottage.
He sets you on your feet in the bedroom, yanks your coat down your arms. "Help me here, darlin'," he says, his voice softly desperate, that sweet little pet name a suspected accident. "You might lose fingers if you don't."
You help him wrestle with the fastenings of your clothes. "I didn't mean to."
"I know."
Only a muted embarrassment and helplessness reaches your mind, that he is seeing you nearly naked for the first time like this. His hands seem far away.
Joel tugs the blankets around your shoulders and hastily fills a pan with coal from the hearth. "Too damn cold," he mutters, and you wonder how long and far you'd gone if the fire from dinner was already spent. Distantly, you realize he is peeling himself out of his own clothes. "You'll get warmer faster," he explains. You nod, feeling very tired. "Don't close your eyes," he says, voice suddenly harsh. "Keep lookin' at me."
You struggle to follow his command, watching as so much skin is revealed, then pressed against yours.
His body is so hot, when your skin touches his, that it feels like being set aflame, touched by a scorching fire.
You whimper and he shushes you, presses you closer, head tucked beneath his chin. "You're all right," he murmurs, though it sounds as though he is trying desperately to convince himself. "You'll be all right, sweetheart."
For a long while he holds you in silence, scratchy lips against your forehead, beard pressed against your temple. You feel every part of him pressed against every part of you, the hair on his legs and chest, the muscle of his biceps and forearms, chest and collarbones and feet. The first time his hands are on you this way, because you'd been a little too emotional and nearly drowned yourself.
His broad palms splay over your spine, cradling you as shivers start to rack your body again. You hadn't realized they had stopped.
A relieved sigh climbs out of his throat.
"Were you trying to leave?"
You don't know how he means it, like his first wife had, or like you were trying to die. "No," you answer, "No, I fell in. I was upset." Your teeth chatter, click together so violently you're afraid you might bite your tongue. "I didn't realize how late it was. I'm sorry, Joel."
"Scared me, is all."
"I'm sorry," you whisper against his throat. "For all of it. I'm so ashamed."
He shakes his head. "Should be your father that's ashamed."
"I'm being punished," you continue. "For something I did not do."
Joel's hand pauses in its path down your spine, for just a moment. "Yeah," he agrees quietly. "I'm sorry for it."
"Not you," you nest down against him. Maybe if you were more coherent, you'd feel nervous about it, but it just feels good, his arms around you, his body against yours, finally. "I don't mean you, Joel. You are not my punishment."
"All right now," he mutters. "Enough a' that."
You are sure you move first, though if asked, Joel will say he did. You tilt your chin up and press your cold mouth to his.
Stolen little girlhood kisses amount to nothing compared to this. His heavy hands, his scratchy cheeks against yours. Full and warm blooded. Cradling and caressing and sighing just like you. His breath is yours.
It's all consuming, like a star parting the night sky.
.
.
.
Summer arrives quietly, softly.
You visit your family as a married couple, and Joel holds your hand through the Sunday church service you attend together even though some of the congregants eye you with stony, judgemental stares. You take pleasure in the burning gaze of those girls on you, angry that you don't seem uncomfortable with the man they'd indirectly sentenced you to.
As quickly as is possible, you leave again. It's hard to be there, among the stares but also among a village that used to be your home.
"Sure you wanna go so quick?"
"Yes, Joel."
He mulls it over, hands on his hips.
"What?" It occurs to you that maybe he isn't ready to leave. He has no family; you've only spoken to each other for months and months aside from that visit from your father and once from Joel's brother, who had been taken by surprise at your presence. Maybe he was craving company other than your own. "Would you like to stay longer?"
"No, I don't want you to feel like we're in any rush to get back."
You blink, taken aback. "I don't. I'd like to. . .go home."
His face softens. "All right, girl. Let's get a move on then." Joel helps you onto the wagon bench and starts to climb up when the priest, who Joel had managed to avoid earlier, passes by your parents' house.
"Mr. Miller! A moment?"
"What's he want, I wonder?" He asks, leaning his arms against the side of the wagon, his face close to yours. "I ain't his parishioner. Technically."
You roll your eyes. "Go see what he'd like," you say tenderly, touching his cheek just to nettle the other man. Indecent touching! You can hear the sermon already forming. Lusts of the flesh! Good thing you no longer attend to this town's church and will not have to hear it.
"Yes, ma'am."
Despite the intimacy, he has not touched you, not really, since that day you nearly drowned. You long for him to kiss you again, just once, but fear it may have been an accident borne of your stupidity, his fear of loss.
Joel steps back down from the wagon and approaches. You watch the robin's egg sky instead of the men, counting the crowding of little white puffs on the horizon, pretending that you can't hear every word being spoken, of being tamed, cowed, broken. How is he faring with his new wife?
You mean to hear Joel's answer, but your mother is suddenly laboring onto the wagon bench beside you. You had not heard her approaching and had avoided speaking to her at church and lunch, Joel dutifully standing between you.
"We didn't get a chance to speak."
"Should I have something to say to you?"
You mother catches up your hand, holds it between both of hers. "I didn't want to send you away."
"And yet you did, for something you know I did not do. To a man you knew nothing of."
She huffs. "What's done is done. We did it to protect you, to save your name." You nod and tug your hand away. "Never mind all that," she says gently. "Tell me, how is he as a man? Does he treat you well?"
"I think," you start, watching Joel and the priest. "He might be the best man I've ever known."
She peers at you curiously. "He doesn't hurt you?"
"It would be much too late for your guilt if he did," you answer, "but no, he doesn't."
"You listen to him." Your mother sounds amazed.
"He listens to me. Let's me be." You shrug, "So I do the same."
She seems bewildered by that, that by not holding you down, forcing you to something else, you were better for it.
Your mother doesn't get to give an answer, because Joel is approaching.
She kisses you goodbye and he helps her down from the wagon. "So," you say when the village is finally behind you. "What did you tell the Father? How did you break my restless spirit?"
He chuckles. "I told him there wasn't anything to break."
It warms you to think he believes it. "Even when I fall into creeks in the cold?"
"I think your spirit is what kept you from drownin' so—"
"Oh, ha ha, very funny."
You want to lean into him, but wait until you're on the final stretch of dusty road when the evening sky is beginning to darken at the edges to do so, heavy against his shoulder.
You work together to curry the horses and stable them for the night, exhaustion aching in your bones by the time you turn in. Summer is as bright as winter is dark, and the sky is only just starting to darken, blushing pinks and smouldering orange over the trees.
Joel is saying something about a book, something about chess. He talks so much, now. Even when he's quiet, you know the language of him.
"Why don't you kiss me again?"
He blinks and meets your gaze, looking like a fish out of water. "I, uh—"
"If the first time was a mistake," you say. "It doesn't offend me. I like things as they are."
He clears his throat and bows his head, approaches you slowly, all the time looking down at his feet, brows tilted together. "I didn't mean for it to go like that," he admits. "That's true."
You meant it when you said you like things as they are, but disappointment still burns hot that his affection had been unintentional. "Okay," you agree when he stops in front of you. "That's just fine."
He shakes his head. "It ain't that I don't want that. But I promised you, I wouldn't. Our, uh, marriage vows didn't mean shit. But that, sweetheart, it meant something. I meant it."
"And if I said I wanted it?"
"You don't need to feel like you have to," he says quietly but firmly. "I wouldn't be able to stomach it."
You push your palm against his cheek, stand nearly chest to chest with him. "You have never made me feel like I needed to do or be anything at all for you." You lean against him, "I'd like it if you kissed me. And if, um, you'd like to—" Long held shame, years of hearing about how women were lustful temptresses comes creeping in. "Well, the rest of it—"
"If I'd like to what?" He teases, something wicked in the grin that pulls at the corners of his mouth. "Touch you?"
"I suppose," you say haughtily, flustered.
"Where?" His hot hands press to your sides, over the curves of your hips where no one has ever touched before. You startle and fall against him, your skin alive beneath his hands. "Here?"
You cover his hands, guide them boldly over your body, to your ass and waist and just beneath your breasts, back down to your hips. You lean in so your mouth just brushes his. "You should make more vows to me. New ones that say you promise to never stop touching me."
"That could be arranged."
"Oh wonderful. I should hate to have to hunt down another husband."
He's pulls you toward the bedroom, the bed beyond. He hasn't kissed you again, but he intends to do something to you, that much is clear.
"Hunt one down, huh? I think I fell into your lap."
He fell into your lap. The thought is a nice one.
You nod, bum hitting the edge of the bed. "I should think so. Had those girls witnessed even this behind that barn, I would have been killed where I stood. A happy accident that they didn't and I was given you instead."
His laugh is like a bark. "Ain't you somethin'."
He tilts you back, looks at your coiled body and hums. Your knees are pressed together out of habit, arms folded across your belly now. Still fully clothed and you feel naked as he looks down at you with a reverence and devotion you have only before seen in a pew. You settle your heels at the edge of the bed."Tell me again," he requests.
"I want you," you say quietly. "I want you to touch me."
Just as in your dreams that you thought frivolous and unrealistic, he peels your thighs apart and pushes his hand between your legs. You gasp and fight not to skitter away from his touch, to keep your hips against the mattress. If that's how warm only his hand felt through your clothes, you can't imagine what it will be like without.
He leans over you, moves his hand to tilt your chin up instead, finally presses his lips against yours again after so long.
"Joel," you sigh against his mouth, scratchy cheeks that you cup in your hands. "You'll be gentle with me."
It's not a question.
"Mm." His nose draws a line down your cheek to your jaw, mouth pressing against the underside of your jaw. You gasp when his teeth scrape along your skin, just a little. You tangle your hands in his hair, tug at the graying strands that slip through your fingers until he grunts against you.
Joel settles between your parted thighs, lost to you, apparently. "Joel."
"Sweetheart," he answers, lifting his head to look at you.
"I know it will hurt. Please make it easy on me."
He leans on his forearm, placed above the crown of your head, his other hand yanking the skirt of your dress up. "I will do everything to make it easy on you."
"Okay," you breathe, smoothing the worry. He wouldn't hurt you on purpose, of that you're sure.
He works you out of your clothes as you pull at his. There's only one part of him you haven't seen, one part of him you've never seen of any man. You tug at his trousers until a button pops open and you can push your hand down.
You gasp at the feeling of him in your hand, hard and warm, his skin soft and damp. You aren't sure what to do, not the way he moves with such certainty, thick fingers slipping beneath your underwear, parting the folds of you.
You watch his face as you move your hand, circling your fingers around him seems the natural fit of things, sliding your fist up and down his length. There's friction though and you wonder if it feels good for him.
He is signularly focused on you though, and for a moment you forget his cock in your hand because he touches something that makes your back arch off the bed, a moan yanked from your chest.
"There she goes," he coos, still moving his fingers over you, not even inside you yet.
That will go inside you, you remember suddenly. It feels too big for your hand, let alone your cunt. You squeeze his cock and rub your thumb along the head where you feel something leaking, helping your hand slide around him.
"How does that feel—"
He groans, and you turn your gaze to him, repeating the action, watching him shudder. "Am I doing okay?"
It gives you no small satisfaction to literately have him in the palm of your hand, giving to him. You stroke him slowly, tightening your grip as you reach the tip. "Jesus, girl," he murmurs, and then thrusts into your hand.
"Am I?"
"Little too good," he grunts. "I ain't gonna be much use to you if you keep that up."
You don't know what he means, especially since you want to keep making him sound like that forever. But you trust him, so you release him and kiss him instead, nipping at his bottom lip, feeling like an aching wound as his slips a finger inside you.
There's a little pressure but it doesn't hurt. You can feel how damp you are, easing the passage of his fingers, a second and third following, stretching you to almost the point of pain, but mostly it feels good, his hands working some kind of spell over you in tandem until your world bursts with pleasure.
Waves of it crash over you, slicking your skin with sweat in the warmth of your bedroom. He helps you out of the last bit of your clothes, nude body bared to him, hands scooping your breasts in too warm palms, brushing tentatively over your nipples.
So many thngs that you did not know could feel good.
Your mouth goes dry when you finally see his cock, aching from your attentions, the head an angry red. You have the most bizarre desire to out him in your mouth, that is only vindicated as not odd when Joel puts his head between your legs and makes you come again without his fingers even entering you.
"Please," you whine, beckoning him toward you, so open and vulnerable and never so safe. "Please just do it. I'm ready."
"You are, sweetheart," he coos. "Best I can get you anyway."
He lets you grip him and guide him to your entrance, pushing inside you in increments. You wonder at what brutes the men in your village must be like to have all the girls saying this is only something to endure. For though it hurts a little, it overwhelmingly feels good. Like stretching a sore muscle. He is heavy and warm, your bodies locked together in a way you will mourn when it parts.
Joel holds you close, pushes his forehead gently to yours, breath ghosting over your lips, so warm and present it makes something deep inside you sigh in satisfaction.
Here you belong, you are sure, here you are understood and wanted. You touch him wherever your hands can reach, marveling at the plains of his body as he ruts into you, skin slapping against skin.
He grunts against your neck when he comes and you follow only a moment later, panting into the dark of something that is now yours, clutching him tightly to your chest.
A new vow kept.
.
.
.
He wakes you in the middle of the night with gentle prodding.
The night is a soft sweet song outside your window, the low sounds of the land around you. "Joel?" you ask, pressing one hand over your eyes, rubbing away sleep. "What's wrong?"
"Nothin'," he assures. "There's just somethin' I wanna show you."
"Now?"
"If you're willin'."
Well, you are always willing, with him. Wrapped in only your dressing robe, he leads you outside, across the yard to the stables by lamplight.
He is shirtless, and you are close enough that you can see the flex of muscle in his arms when he rolls the doors open, and the cratered parts of him you finally got to touch.
"Joel—" You complain. "What—"
"C'mon, now," he motions you inside, the red light flickering over his features comforting instead of eerie.
"I'm sore you know," you grumble. And you are, a pleasant kind of pain that accompanies the pleasure he had given you. It's nothing like the girls had described to you. It had only been good. He had only been good.
He just chuckles, no small amount of pride in it, and leads you to the workbench that you can never quite tell what he does at. "You feel okay?" He asks, sincere.
"Okay," you scoff. "You very well know what you did to me."
"All right," he says softly. "Enough of that."
"Show me."
He clears his throat, and nods, pulling you near him at the bench.
There among the softly snuffling horses, he presents you with a tiny wood carving of a woman that looks just like you. You gasp and take her carefully from his hands, holding her up to moonlight and then lamplight, the exquisite detailing of her.
She has your nose and eyes. The shape of her body in movement, the exact way you hold your hands in miniature. An expression on her face of determination and muddled anxiety. Afraid, but getting on with it.
He has adored you, you see, from the moment he met you. He studied you as closely as you studied him. "It's beautiful."
"Yeah," he agrees, hand on your spine, "suppose I've got a good muse, though."
Your face feels hot, your whole body alight. "When did you—" just to confirm what you think you know.
"Morning after we married," he says. "Somethin' about the way you looked, I just. . .I had to get it down somewhere."
You rub your thumb over her silhouette. "She is missing her wedding band."
Joel's eyes flick to your hand, empty. "I suppose she is." He takes your hand and kisses it's fingers. "As you are."
You nod and tuck her into your palm, leaning up to kiss him again. It's okay, you know he keeps his word.
content: age gap, younger!reader (obsessively) pursuing an old man, fucking him raw, soft dom!joel, morality is out the window lol he’s been completely corrupted by bad influence
joel scrubbed his hands for hours.
as if the cheap bar of soap would wash away his sins. as if he could clean himself of what he had just done.
he made sure to get underneath each nail until his fingertips pruned and palms rubbed raw, but it didn’t help.
you lingered there. buried, tucked away out of sight. it felt like you were eating at his flesh like an infection. he clawed at himself with an itch so deep he wanted to break the skin and peel it back to find you.
safe to say he was being fucking tortured.
his mind had started playing tricks on him. he saw you in his dreams, kneeling at his feet with your pretty little mouth open for him like a good girl. he still smelled you too, the sweetness of your juices and your vanilla perfume marking its territory on his clothes. you were stained to him, a reminder of who he really was.
a sick man. a bad man.
joel tried to keep busy. working late, drinking more, sleeping less. he thought it was helping since he didn’t see you around as much. maybe you had taken the hint.
until you showed up at his doorstep late one night.
there you were, standing there in nothing but a skimpy pair of shorts and a tank top in the dead of winter.
he wipes his eyes to make sure he’s not imagining it. “jesus, kid. what the hell are you wearing?”
you look down at yourself and then up at him. he must’ve just gotten out of bed, his hair tousled and sweapants hanging low on his hips. “my pajamas.”
smart ass.
he huffs, too tired to argue. his attention absentmindedly goes to your breasts, noticing your nipples poking through the fabric from the chill in the air. he doesn’t realize that he’s staring.
“well? aren’t you gonna invite me in?”
joel blinks and clears his throat. he should turn you away, tell you no and be done once and for all.
but it’s never that easy with you.
he hesitates with a nod, reluctantly stepping aside to let you pass by.
his house is warm. you feel a sense of comfort and familiarity in his space. it’s welcoming, despite his cold demeanor. he keeps a knitted blanket on the couch and wooden trinkets on the coffee table. the living room walls have pictures of him with his family— hunting, fishing, camping.
he cuts into the silence as you look around. “how’d you get here?”
“i walked.” you answer casually, your fingers strum over the guitar next to his tv.
“walked? are you out of your damn mind?”
“well, i missed you.”
joel scoffs, running a hand over his face in distress. you talk to him like whatever.. this is.. is not a big deal. like you can walk in and out of his life as you please because you know he will let you.
he pretends to ignore your comment. “it’s past your bedtime, girl. you take the bed, i’ll take the sofa. i’m drivin’ you home in the morning.”
he shows you to his room. a closet he hangs his favorite flannels. a dresser scattered with his daily medicines. a king mattress he spends every night in alone.
you crawl into his bed like you belong there, propping yourself up on your elbows.
“can you tuck me in at least?” you ask him as you bat your lashes, pouting with a faux innocence.
this is fucking ridiculous. “fine.”
joel tries to ignore your breath on his neck and your eyes boring into him while he hovers over you. he comes closer, leaning inches away from your face as he reaches across you to grab a corner of the comforter.
next thing he knows he’s on top of you.
your bodies gravitate to each other with animalistic instinct. he was a like moth to a flame, drawn to your heat. you kiss him feverishly, so frantic and desperate that you act as if it’s a cure to save you. you bite his bottom lip and suck it to savor the taste, swallowing it like medicine.
joel will have to beg god for forgiveness later. all he can think about right now is how badly he wants this— wants you.
his hands find your cunt as if it was second nature to him, slipping past the waistband of your shorts to find you don’t have anything underneath them.
he can feel the guilt pulsating in his veins, his cock stiffening as it’s pressed against your bare leg. it’s uncomfortable and pumped full of regret, but he’s too far gone.
he uses two digits to prep you, no longer needing guidance from you like before. you pull his pants down and stroke him with his own lubricant, tip red and leaking pre cum from the short time kissing you. he’s immediately responsive to your touch, almost wincing like he’s in pain.
“just relax, joel. let me help you.” your voice is gentle, nurturing like a mothers care. he groans in reply, feeling you slide and drag his cock between your wet folds.
you slowly nudge him in, the head prodding your entrance with a sweet burn. he watches in awe as he slips himself in, going inch by inch antagonizing slow. you whine in pain but it feels too good for either of you to care.
he finally reaches the base as deep as he can go, relishing in the way you flutter around him. he drags himself out just to slam back in harder, resulting in a cry.
each heavy, thick thrust has you both panting in pleasure. your pinned in position with his body weight, twice the size as yours forcing you down. the sex is slick and messy and downright filthy. it’s the kind of sin that you take to the grave, and joel plans on it.
“you’re fuckin’ squeezing me, baby. it’s like your pussy doesn’t want me to leave.” he grunts, skin to skin slapping picking up pace. “maybe i shouldn’t then, huh? what d’you think about that? i just stay riiight here.”
he nudges your cervix while he holds your thighs in place. you’re too cock drunk to respond to him, nails scratching into his shoulder in search of finding something to hold onto.
his thumb swears circles on your clit in the same rhythm. you’re so wet that he barely has to try, your stomach knotting tighter.
he thinks about going softer on you, that maybe he’s being too rough for the first time.
but you asked for this, after all.
you arch your back, mouth agape as your cunt clenches him while you cum. his moments go from steady to sloppy, following you soon after. he releases his load inside of you, shuddering while he fills you with as much as he can. you secretly hope that it will stick.
✮⋆˙ . bsf!rafe keeps 'accidentally' slipping inside after promising to just rub against you.
warnings — 18+ MDNI. bestfriend!reader x bsf!rafe pairing. name is self explanatory. manipulative tone & fake apologies.
cherie’s note — loosely based on this p!link.
your knees are bent, thighs open for him, trembling slightly from how real this feels — arms curled near your chest, lip caught anxiously between your teeth, breathing too fast for someone who's supposedly not having sex.
things had always been… complicated with you and rafe. secrets whispered in the dark, your body tucked into his bed more often than your own. he’d even taught you how to kiss — unforgivable, in hindsight. because now, whatever this was… it felt like the point of no return.
rafe kneels between your legs, stroking himself in slow, lazy pulls. deliberately. "just relax," he murmurs, voice low like he's talking you through something innocent. like this was something every best friend did — and you could definitely be convinced of such when it was him doing the talking. "i'm not gonna put it in. i told you."
he presses the head against your slit, sliding it up your folds, gathering the wetness along the underside of his throbbing cock. the squelch that bounces off the walls is unmistakable, a clear indicator of just how much you wanted this, despite the way your pulse raced. you jump at the first pass and he smiles — quick, hidden, gone before you even get the chance to look at him.
"how're you this worked up already?" he teases under his breath, more to himself than to you. "barely even touching you."
you squirm underneath him, embarrassed. "you're... rubbing on me..."
"mhm." he drags the swollen head down again, circling your entrance with soft precision — though his mind is anything but soft. not with you, sprawled out beneath him, eyes wide like a prey caught in a trap. his trap.
you gasp, a soft sound that shoots up his spine — and that's when he lets the tip catch you. not fully. just enough to make your body pull him in that tiny, helpless way you can't control. the thick head of his cock breaches the tightness of your cunt, and your thighs tremble slightly from the pressure.
"sorry," he breaths, pretending to pull back. "didn't mean— you're so warm, and wet. hard to aim."
you believe him immediately, like you always do, nodding. your cheeks burn, "it's okay. just... just be careful."
"i am," he promises, thumb stroking the soft skin of your knee. "i got you."
except he keeps doing it. that same slow glide, catching on you again, the head pushing just barely inside before he rocks back like it's truly accidental. each time, you make this soft, strangled sound that goes straight to his cock.
"you okay?" he murmurs.
you nod quickly, swallowing away at the nerves. "it just feels... weird."
"good weird?"
you nod again — and the way you do it, wide-eyed and trusting, makes him exhale shakily.
he strokes himself harder, a little faster, hips following the rhythm. the spongy tip of his cock keeps bumping and sliding against your slit with every pass, the feeling so dizzying you swear you could see stars. your slick coats his hand, helping the slick grip glide effortlessly against himself — makes everything sloppy and hot and impossible for him to 'aim'.
rafe swears he can lose himself in the sight of you alone. swears he'd give anything to see this everyday — you, eyes glassy and blinking slow, completely fucked-out and trembling under his guidance. so vulnerable. so trusting. pliant, too — keeping your thighs perched open enough to allow him the space he demands, without having to be asked.
you force a tiny breath out, shaky and full of shame, and he rewards you by rolling the head down again. and this time, when it catches, it sinks just a little deeper than before. enough to make your eyes fly fully open. enough to make your hips lift before you can stop yourself, telling him everything he needs to know.
he freezes. not really. just enough to pretend he's surprised.
"shit," he mutters, voice going hoarse. "that—that was deeper than i meant. m'sorry, baby."
and despite his apology, he stays there a beat too long — buried millimeters inside of your warm heat, throbbing. he pulls out slowly, letting a slick string stretch between where he’d previously pushed inside of you.
your heart jumps into your throat, "it's okay, ray," you whisper quickly, like you don't want him to feel bad. "was just an accident, right?"
content: age gap, younger!reader (obsessively) pursuing an old man, girl!pervert af, power imbalance, coercion, using his hand as a personal sex toy, joel’s guilty conscience eating him alive
joel miller was a weak man.
not physically, no. he was still strong despite his age, easily able to lift and carry a couple hundred pounds in a days work. his knees might crack when he bends them, and he may sleep with a back ache for the rest of his life, but he got the job done.
now when it came to you, that was a different story.
joel wasn’t stupid. he knew you had a thing for him. he could tell by the tone in your voice, the way you would drag out your words on purpose so that they lingered longer. your conversations with him always ended with a bite of your lip, the corners of your mouth twitching to solidify that you knew what you were doing. he supposed it was a little school girl crush, nothing to worry about as long as he didn’t entertain it. and he didn’t, truly.
but you were persistent. the more he pushed you away, the more you pulled closer. wanting a man that you shouldn’t gave you a rush of adrenaline, the kind you continued to crave and never left satisfied. it buzzed in your veins like a high. how could something so wrong, feel so right? you needed it, you needed him.
he tried to hold you off, he really did. it was hard to avoid you in such a small town but he went out of his way to make sure of it. joel left the room if he ever saw you walk in, his excuses running low as he continued to find ways to create space between the two of you. most people would be offended by it, but you found it flattering in your own way.
eventually he cracked.
it was at a bar that you had no business being in, walking past him with the curve of your ass ghosting over his bulge.
his patience had worn thin of your games, following behind to corner you in the restroom. his finger pointed in your face as he talked down on you like you were a child being disciplined.
“you’ve stepped outta line for the last time, girl.” you can smell the beer on his breath, his prickled cheeks flushed red. “what d’you think your parents would think of this behavior, hm? should i finally tell ‘em?”
“well? why haven’t you yet?” after all, joel had many chances to report you. it wasn’t the first time you took things too far. you tilt your head in realization, looking up at him. “maybe it’s because you don’t want me to stop.”
you step closer, your hand finding his and guiding him to your inner thigh. “it’s okay. you don’t need permission from my daddy to touch me, joel.”
he grunts, his body tensing as he struggled to hold restraint. his callus palm rubbed against your smooth shaven leg, the contrast textures of skin igniting a heat in your core. you jerk your hips forward as you chased the feeling, his hesitant touch skimming along your clothed cunt.
“we can’t be doin’ this-“ joel began to draw his arm back, but you grabbed his wrist in reflex.
you cut him off. “you don’t have to do anything, just let me.”
and he does. he knows he will be cursing himself for his sins later. but god, your eyes were pleading with him in desperation. you carried something deeper than desire. it wasn’t just a craving, you truly couldn’t help yourself. you had a fix and he was the only one who could fulfill it. who would he be to deny you of that?
it wasn’t like you weren’t asking him anyways, no, you were telling him.
he gave in and you took control, tugging your underwear to the side and rutting yourself into him. you were already slick and messy from the thought of him, coating his fingers in your arousal. two of his digits intrude you with a stretch that makes you whine.
joel shudders at the sound, watching you take from him with greed. before he can help himself his fingers curl inside, hitting a spot that has you grabbing onto the sink beneath you.
your pulse quickens, your nails scratching his flesh as he pumps into you. you fuck yourself with his hand like a toy and he matches your pace, no longer holding back.
all of his senses are heightened. he can taste the iron from the blood of biting down on his tongue, your walls squeezing around him and sucking him in like quicksand. if he wanted to stop now, he couldn’t.
“this is fucked, y’know that?” joel’s nerves were tingling, his hand weak and nearly cramping in position.
you aren’t sure if he’s talking to you or to himself, but you moan in agreement. a knot forms in your stomach, clenching him like he’s your saving grace.
he flicks his fingers to the knuckle with a few more strokes, unraveling with a cry in his neck as you release onto the counter and drip down his wrist.
you ride out your climax, still clutching onto him to steady yourself as you stand to your feet. your eyes trail to his jeans to see a wet patch soaking through.
content: age gap, younger!reader (obsessively) pursuing an old man, girl!pervert af, power imbalance, coercion, using his hand as a personal sex toy, joel’s guilty conscience eating him alive
joel miller was a weak man.
not physically, no. he was still strong despite his age, easily able to lift and carry a couple hundred pounds in a days work. his knees might crack when he bends them, and he may sleep with a back ache for the rest of his life, but he got the job done.
now when it came to you, that was a different story.
joel wasn’t stupid. he knew you had a thing for him. he could tell by the tone in your voice, the way you would drag out your words on purpose so that they lingered longer. your conversations with him always ended with a bite of your lip, the corners of your mouth twitching to solidify that you knew what you were doing. he supposed it was a little school girl crush, nothing to worry about as long as he didn’t entertain it. and he didn’t, truly.
but you were persistent. the more he pushed you away, the more you pulled closer. wanting a man that you shouldn’t gave you a rush of adrenaline, the kind you continued to crave and never left satisfied. it buzzed in your veins like a high. how could something so wrong, feel so right? you needed it, you needed him.
he tried to hold you off, he really did. it was hard to avoid you in such a small town but he went out of his way to make sure of it. joel left the room if he ever saw you walk in, his excuses running low as he continued to find ways to create space between the two of you. most people would be offended by it, but you found it flattering in your own way.
eventually he cracked.
it was at a bar that you had no business being in, walking past him with the curve of your ass ghosting over his bulge.
his patience had worn thin of your games, following behind to corner you in the restroom. his finger pointed in your face as he talked down on you like you were a child being disciplined.
“you’ve stepped outta line for the last time, girl.” you can smell the beer on his breath, his prickled cheeks flushed red. “what d’you think your parents would think of this behavior, hm? should i finally tell ‘em?”
“well? why haven’t you yet?” after all, joel had many chances to report you. it wasn’t the first time you took things too far. you tilt your head in realization, looking up at him. “maybe it’s because you don’t want me to stop.”
you step closer, your hand finding his and guiding him to your inner thigh. “it’s okay. you don’t need permission from my daddy to touch me, joel.”
he grunts, his body tensing as he struggled to hold restraint. his callus palm rubbed against your smooth shaven leg, the contrast textures of skin igniting a heat in your core. you jerk your hips forward as you chased the feeling, his hesitant touch skimming along your clothed cunt.
“we can’t be doin’ this-“ joel began to draw his arm back, but you grabbed his wrist in reflex.
you cut him off. “you don’t have to do anything, just let me.”
and he does. he knows he will be cursing himself for his sins later. but god, your eyes were pleading with him in desperation. you carried something deeper than desire. it wasn’t just a craving, you truly couldn’t help yourself. you had a fix and he was the only one who could fulfill it. who would he be to deny you of that?
it wasn’t like you weren’t asking him anyways, no, you were telling him.
he gave in and you took control, tugging your underwear to the side and rutting yourself into him. you were already slick and messy from the thought of him, coating his fingers in your arousal. two of his digits intrude you with a stretch that makes you whine.
joel shudders at the sound, watching you take from him with greed. before he can help himself his fingers curl inside, hitting a spot that has you grabbing onto the sink beneath you.
your pulse quickens, your nails scratching his flesh as he pumps into you. you fuck yourself with his hand like a toy and he matches your pace, no longer holding back.
all of his senses are heightened. he can taste the iron from the blood of biting down on his tongue, your walls squeezing around him and sucking him in like quicksand. if he wanted to stop now, he couldn’t.
“this is fucked, y’know that?” joel’s nerves were tingling, his hand weak and nearly cramping in position.
you aren’t sure if he’s talking to you or to himself, but you moan in agreement. a knot forms in your stomach, clenching him like he’s your saving grace.
he flicks his fingers to the knuckle with a few more strokes, unraveling with a cry in his neck as you release onto the counter and drip down his wrist.
you ride out your climax, still clutching onto him to steady yourself as you stand to your feet. your eyes trail to his jeans to see a wet patch soaking through.
content: age gap, younger!reader (obsessively) pursuing an old man, girl!pervert af, power imbalance, coercion, using his hand as a personal sex toy, joel’s guilty conscience eating him alive
joel miller was a weak man.
not physically, no. he was still strong despite his age, easily able to lift and carry a couple hundred pounds in a days work. his knees might crack when he bends them, and he may sleep with a back ache for the rest of his life, but he got the job done.
now when it came to you, that was a different story.
joel wasn’t stupid. he knew you had a thing for him. he could tell by the tone in your voice, the way you would drag out your words on purpose so that they lingered longer. your conversations with him always ended with a bite of your lip, the corners of your mouth twitching to solidify that you knew what you were doing. he supposed it was a little school girl crush, nothing to worry about as long as he didn’t entertain it. and he didn’t, truly.
but you were persistent. the more he pushed you away, the more you pulled closer. wanting a man that you shouldn’t gave you a rush of adrenaline, the kind you continued to crave and never left satisfied. it buzzed in your veins like a high. how could something so wrong, feel so right? you needed it, you needed him.
he tried to hold you off, he really did. it was hard to avoid you in such a small town but he went out of his way to make sure of it. joel left the room if he ever saw you walk in, his excuses running low as he continued to find ways to create space between the two of you. most people would be offended by it, but you found it flattering in your own way.
eventually he cracked.
it was at a bar that you had no business being in, walking past him with the curve of your ass ghosting over his bulge.
his patience had worn thin of your games, following behind to corner you in the restroom. his finger pointed in your face as he talked down on you like you were a child being disciplined.
“you’ve stepped outta line for the last time, girl.” you can smell the beer on his breath, his prickled cheeks flushed red. “what d’you think your parents would think of this behavior, hm? should i finally tell ‘em?”
“well? why haven’t you yet?” after all, joel had many chances to report you. it wasn’t the first time you took things too far. you tilt your head in realization, looking up at him. “maybe it’s because you don’t want me to stop.”
you step closer, your hand finding his and guiding him to your inner thigh. “it’s okay. you don’t need permission from my daddy to touch me, joel.”
he grunts, his body tensing as he struggled to hold restraint. his callus palm rubbed against your smooth shaven leg, the contrast textures of skin igniting a heat in your core. you jerk your hips forward as you chased the feeling, his hesitant touch skimming along your clothed cunt.
“we can’t be doin’ this-“ joel began to draw his arm back, but you grabbed his wrist in reflex.
you cut him off. “you don’t have to do anything, just let me.”
and he does. he knows he will be cursing himself for his sins later. but god, your eyes were pleading with him in desperation. you carried something deeper than desire. it wasn’t just a craving, you truly couldn’t help yourself. you had a fix and he was the only one who could fulfill it. who would he be to deny you of that?
it wasn’t like you weren’t asking him anyways, no, you were telling him.
he gave in and you took control, tugging your underwear to the side and rutting yourself into him. you were already slick and messy from the thought of him, coating his fingers in your arousal. two of his digits intrude you with a stretch that makes you whine.
joel shudders at the sound, watching you take from him with greed. before he can help himself his fingers curl inside, hitting a spot that has you grabbing onto the sink beneath you.
your pulse quickens, your nails scratching his flesh as he pumps into you. you fuck yourself with his hand like a toy and he matches your pace, no longer holding back.
all of his senses are heightened. he can taste the iron from the blood of biting down on his tongue, your walls squeezing around him and sucking him in like quicksand. if he wanted to stop now, he couldn’t.
“this is fucked, y’know that?” joel’s nerves were tingling, his hand weak and nearly cramping in position.
you aren’t sure if he’s talking to you or to himself, but you moan in agreement. a knot forms in your stomach, clenching him like he’s your saving grace.
he flicks his fingers to the knuckle with a few more strokes, unraveling with a cry in his neck as you release onto the counter and drip down his wrist.
you ride out your climax, still clutching onto him to steady yourself as you stand to your feet. your eyes trail to his jeans to see a wet patch soaking through.
2087
stormborns
yousharknotpass
