so you wanna know what it's like to be trans. well, you've come to the right place.
when you say you wanna know, you don't mean that sanitized academic bullshit you find on forums or in health class if you're lucky. you don't wanna know what it is, you wanna know how it feels, and that, my friend, is an entirely different question. even well intentioned, well informed individuals--especially cisgender allies--have trouble describing dysphoria in its true scope and nuance. shit, even most trans people have trouble describing it. even I have trouble describing it. this all circumvents the fact that the vast majority of trans people don't want to talk about it. it's too painful, too personal, too awkward. and yeah, it is painful, and personal, and awkward, but in me you've found a rarity.
paraphrasing f. scott fitzgerald, writers don't write because they want to, they write because they have to. this is something I have to do. writing is one of the many things my unique cocktail of mental illnesses divorced me from at the onset of my first puberty, and in writing about my dysphoria I get to reclaim that passion, all the while processing the experiences I have thus far drown in the waters of forgetfulness. and why keep that to myself? I didn't understand, and I mean truly understand, my own dysphoria until april 30th of this year; that's nearly twenty-one years of unaddressed trauma I didn't even know I had. it's not unreasonable to expect many, many people have similar feelings, and are unknowingly waiting for someone to bring them to the fore.
I will be the one to do it then. I want to share the ugly details of my life, not out of a narcissistic desire for the spotlight, but because there is an injustice in the world that my suffering may alleviate, if only slightly. this blog will be, in part, a memoir written in real time, always with the underlying purpose of unpacking my dysphoria. it will be salacious, grotesque, deeply obscene, and above all, an honest depiction of the life of a woman who used to be a boy.
read further if that interests you. if not, I understand. if you think you don't want to read my life, but nonetheless feel a strange, secret curiosity at reading this post, then you, my friend, are exactly the type of person I'm writing this for.
hi. my name's sophie, and my life is super fucking weird.
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