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agreed, livi, it is a very beautiful sex scene.
having just had a rant about people throwing away their virginity for the sake of their reputation, im remembering losing mine. which although it was only a year ago, feels like forever. i dont like saying i lost it though. that sounds negative. lost. i know it sounds soppy but i didnt lose it. I gave it away. I love alex so, so much. he didnt take my virginity. I gave it him.
I remember when we used to sleep in the log cabin. go to bed at 9 to watch Crimes That Shook The World haha. I remember the first time we slept together - just slept. apart from we didnt really sleep. we didnt have sex. we kissed all night. until about 5am. our lips were so dry and chapped after that. hours and hours and hours of just kissing. I remember, a few days before he'd asked if I was comfortable with him touching my boobs. I said yes and it was like a door opened to him. he never let go of them! but that night when we kissed for hours, he put his hand under my top... hadn't asked about that. I wasnt sure but I didnt stop him. and then the other hand went under, and then before I knew it my top was off. Definitely didnt ask if he could do that. But I let him. I was shaking like a leaf.
its one of my favourite memories. I remember how he smelled and tasted. sometimes, not very often, in fact hardly ever, but sometimes, he tastes the same again. and i have no idea what it is. no idea. but i love it. it makes me feel so happy.
it'll never be like that again. we'll never kiss literally until the sun rises again. I'll never have that feeling of nervousness again. or the thrill of something so new and so daring but so beautiful.
in a way i wish that was the night we first had sex. because by the time we actually did, we were comfortable enough together that it wasnt so much of a beautiful thing. it was still elating and memorable, but not necessarily so beautiful.
or perhaps that was just the blood and the following three days of pain clouding my memories...
how things change. i was so nervous when he took my top off that first time. and now i dont think twice about climbing out of bed naked in the morning and sauntering about without a care in the world. perfectly happy to sit in a bath with him for an hour or follow him into the shower in the morning.
he's changed too. he used to be so careful. so gentle, like i was made of glass. im not saying he doesnt care any more but a bit of unexpected pain on my behalf tends to go straight over his head.
i dont mean he hits me. maybe i should clear that up. but he's rough, and obviously that can hurt at times. it's perfectly normal and no he does not abuse me.
it's all so different now. its not bad. it's just different. completely different. I'll never forget what it used to be like, but I'll never regret how it is now.
I'm happy. I'm so so happy.
:)
