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how can we dance when you're in hell?

[rainbowowwww]

i came to the conclusion that love isnt what people make it out to be

-half of all marriages end in divorce

-on average, relationships only last around three months

-70% of heterosexual couples end up breaking up in the first year of the relationship

-94.3% of all couples that get together eventually break up

nearly all relationships formed on earth were driven by things such as looks and smarts, however personality is one of the LAST placing factors which is so unfortunate to say

what people call 'love' is literally just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. it hits hard, then it slowly fades. leaving you stranded in a falling marriage at the end of the day.

love is the worst fucking drug and the worst illusion that WE chase. the more we want it, the more miserable we will be. we are quite literally chasing something unreal. the concepts of ''love at first sight'' is such bullshit and ive been speaking to somebody im close to regarding that

[rainbowowwww]

last text post for the day, but i keep thinking of this thing that the youtuber ive been getting into "It's Black Friday" said that really stuck out to me.

"When I started YouTube like a thousand years ago, the platform was for sharing videos that were entertaining or helpful like tutorials, videos that were funny, silly, creative stuff where creators and viewers could interact with each other. That's what I've always liked about it

But I feel like now we just see so much of these "drama reporters" or "call outs" or "shocking secret stories you won't believe!!" I think that makes quite an unpleasant environment. It's like a cheap tabloid and I think YouTube is better than that. I think the platform has, you know, so much opportunity to to share creative stuff. Like, isn't that better? Can people make more of that, please?

I really hope that more creators will return to and focus on being creative and having fun and not just trying to drag people down or talk about whatever topical drama. I don't know. I don't like it."

and thats literally exactly it, this is such a weird fucking place i feel like im going through something existential right now. nothing even feels good anymore, everything is just a coping mechanism and im tired of just being stuck. but then again, i wish my reality was fulfilling enough to stay in it, you know?

bye i cant take journaling anymore this is fucking annoying, cause it feels like im talking to practically no one. but expect everything to turn back to normal after this, i will hardly talk about things like this in this account. im just tired of storing it in my private journal. because even THAT feels suffocating

[rainbowowwww]

i always work so hard to understand myself, yet i always wake up feeling the same every single time. i hate labels, i was gonna call this “social fatigue” or something but fuck that

fuck fatigue, fuck depression, fuck labels. even nowadays im getting annoyed with having to reflect on yesterday and finding a solution as to ''why i felt that way that day, and how to avoid it'', i need to stop that and be more aware of things

but god i make myself so sad sometimes. i guess i know myself TOO much and im tired of this constant self observation. which is why i stopped observing myself for some time, i fucking hate not having to NOT do something about my sadness. but what i ALSO hate is having it repeat over and over

[rainbowowwww]

yesterday ive had a really bad existential crisis that not only affected me, but has been affecting my family and friends. everybody's been worried about me, and all ive been doing is avoiding them and not reciprocating like i used to

which i guess is why im writing these things, but i hate how much life fucking picks at you. i dont like feeling these feelings, and everytime i try to do something about it im left feeling even more emptier than i already was before.

i acknowledge my patterns alot, and id say my pattern recognition is pretty good, but i get so tired of helping myself at times and life just feels like one big exam that you dont even wanna do to begin with

this isnt even normal, its almost as if sadness is the new norm for me now and i loaaaaaathhhhheeeee that so bad omfg. ill probably look back at these posts and absolutely cringe, especially since im posting them publicly but you get what i mean </3

ill be fine, the worst part is that i KNOW that ill be fine later on. ill dump these feelings out, ill say what i feel, but you know what the part that i loathe the most? is having to do this OVER and over. i will still be depressed afterwards, life doesnt get better than this and sometimes i feel like im too self aware for my own good

[rainbowowwww]

i dont want anyone to know anything about me anymore. i want to take back all the secrets ive shared, all the tears ive shed infront of them, and all the times ive actually put the effort in.

no one needs to see me in any state of vulnerability, and thats clearly 1000% my fault. two things can be true at once i guess

[rainbowowwww]

its so hard to love someone with a disorganized attachment style.

no matter what i tell you, you dig your own grave. you're so insecure, so full of hatred towards yourself as if you deserve it.

you're a gorgeous flower, but a dirty boot has stepped on you and its just so unfair

i waste(d) a lot of my energy confronting you. communicating with you, loving you, and nurturing you.

and im tired of "saving" people

im not like i used to be, im not a little toy who can be squeezed as a stress ball whenever needed. im left not knowing what i am.

[rainbowowwww]

everything is cope, my art is a cope, my writing is cope, my music hyperfixation and obsession is a cope, everything is just a cope or just an escape

this wont erase any impact or any of your feelings, literally even thinking about ''what couldve been'' is a waste of time. it feels like im stuck and i hate it. yeah this will make me feel better later, but it wont fix anything in me or give me that satisfaction and fulfillment that i actually want for myself

[rainbowowwww]

its time for me to endlessly share my thoughts i guess. i dont even want to keep this one in my private journal anymore, but expect a few text posts for the next hour or two, cause this feeling keeps eating at me and i need to just be vocal about it, even if it wont reach anyone

ive been realizing something about life: sometimes your own mind can be your biggest enemy. all it takes is for your brain to convince itself that everything is about to fall apart. it starts preparing for pain that hasn't even happened, creating worst-case scenarios and hurting itself before anything in the real world ever gets the chance to.

and sometimes… there was never any real hurt waiting for you in the first place. it was only the fear of it.

as for myself, i have really been going through it regarding every aspect of my life at the moment. i keep on getting depressed over meaningless stuff, i keep looking back at my journal for the past few days and feel like shit over it, when i shouldnt be! because thats literally my journal. and most of all: i keep finding ways to isolate myself and to answer my own questions because one thing about me, is that i fucking hate uncertainty. and my doctors have been suspecting some OCD traits in me that i dont even wanna get into, but yeah

i legit dont even know whats wrong with me, and i cant help but not want to fight it to THIS degree anymore. i stopped chasing answers and i stopped just caring at this point, i think im just exhausted, but even at THAT time i stopped even labeling shit and all i wanted was just relief

[rainbowowwww]

im so worn out

[xdyingdollx]

[eifs]

[rainbowowwww]

I love your blog. You have the best reblogs <3

:') i love u

[kollada]

[penis-hilton]

where 

[octopussoir-]

[jamjars]

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