[rainyrin]

I feel shitty.

Well I guess that’s what happened when you live with a family member who treat you like shit. I lend her money. I bought her food whenever I go out. I let her use my laptop. I pay all the bills. I bought and make my own food. I didn’t ask her to cook or clean for me. I didn’t ask anything from her. Yet she act like I didn’t exist. Whenever I go out, I always ask her if she wants me to bring anything home. But when she go out, she just left without even telling me where is she going. And today, she went out, and come back with food. She bought for her husband and her son. Guess who she didn’t bought for? Yup. Me. So not only she didn’t tell me before she go out, she come back, with food, ONLY for herself, her husband, and her son. And now they all gone to bed. Guess how many words she spoke to me today. None. Zero. Nil. Nothing. SHE DIDN’T SAY A WORD TO ME! Even when I was sitting at the dining table and she was sitting barely few meters away from me. Like I was invisible. Like I didn’t exist! 

Oh well...

That’s what happened when she’s too busy being happy with her husband and son. When she don’t need anything from me for the time being. When she don’t need my help with internet banking or she is not short on money. I understand. It’s not the first time this happened. She have done this many time before. I’m just too stupid and keep forgiving her and keep helping her. I keep feeling pity for her and I make it my responsibility to provide for her and keep her happy. Even though I know she don’t make me her responsibility. I should be used to this by now. But it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Because it hurts. So much.

I hope one day I can find my way out of this house. Right now I can’t. The situation is a bit complicated so I have no choice but to stay here. But I really hope to leave. Not because I don’t love her. But because I don’t want to fight with here. Because I love here. I will always pray for her. But I don’t know how long I can stay quiet and just take in everything until I have enough. I don’t want to reach the breaking point. I really don’t.

[rainyrin]

Have you ever feel like you just can't be bothered anymore? Like you just don't care anymore. You just give up. You just fed up with everything and you don't want to do anything anymore. You just want to lie there until the time stops. Because you feel empty. And numb. That, is how I feel.

[rainyrin]

Happy f**king birthday to me.

Another birthday. Another year older. Another meaningless day. Another reminder how worthless I am. Another day of being forgotten.

Everyone knows how to find me when they need money but no one could spend few dollars for a slice of cake for me.

Happy f**king birthday to me.

[rainyrin]

I’m tired. Sad. Lonely. Depressed. Angry. Disappointed. Weak. And everything.

I want to give up.

I don’t know how to do this.

I don’t know how to keep fighting.

I don’t know how to keep alive.

[rainyrin]

Someone once told me she would definitely notice if I was gone.

But I don’t know where she is now.

[rainyrin]

It’s been a while since I last post here. But it’s been even longer since the last time I received a message from anyone from the internet. 

I miss my friends. But seeing that none of them miss me, it hurts. It hurts even more when I tried to reconnect with them but they just brush me off. Like I’m just some dust sitting on their shoulder without being invited. I can see how little I meant to them. Nothing. I meant nothing to them. I tried. I really do. I sent them text. I invited them to have lunch. I wish them during the festive. But no one reply to my text. No one accept my invitation. No one reply to my festive wishes. It really hurts. Watching people that you care just forget about you. Watching people that you loves try to run away from you as if you are carrying a deadly infectious disease. 

I don’t know what did I do wrong. Maybe I hurt them in the past. Maybe I have done something that they are not fond of. 

Or maybe I’m just not worth their time. Maybe I’m not pretty enough or cool enough to be their friend. Maybe I’m to depressing and too toxic for them. 

Friends, I miss you. I can see that you don’t miss me or need me, so I won’t bother you anymore. I can only pray for you from afar. I’m glad that you have people who care about you and love you. I hope you cherish them. Tell them that you appreciate them. Because sometimes that’s all a person need.  

[rainyrin]

Everyone is acting like I don't exist.

So I will stop exist.

[rainyrin]

I have never felt so worthless in my life, than I am today!! Everyone is acting like I’m invisible. No one listen when I talk or say anything, let alone respond to what I said. Everyone is acting like I wasn’t there with them. Everyone is acting like I’m already dead to them!

I am really that worthless am I? I am the ugly one. I am the useless one. I am the dumb one. I am the unimportant one. I am really that worthless!

My friends leave me. My siblings leave me. No one wants to stay with me. No one wants to care about me. 

I swear if it is not a sin for a Muslim to suicide, I probably have done it long time ago. I really dont have anymore energy to live. I dont have anymore reason to stay alive. 

Oh God, please please please lend me some strength to keep living. Please don’t let me do anything that you don’t like me to do. Please don’t let me do anything without thinking. Please don’t let me suicide and commit one of the biggest sin in Islam. Please God.... Please hold me and help me to keep going. Please help me to find the light. I believe that this is still a journey and not the ending yet. I believe You have written my happy ending. I really believe You. So please, please hold my hand and walk with me through this really bumpy journey. Because I really have no more strength to walk through it alone. I can’t do it anymore. I really can’t!

[rainyrin]

I’ve been thinking, maybe I should move out from this house. Should I? My nephew is getting older and I think soon he will want/need his own room, or at least his own bed. And my sister don’t seem to need me here, because she have her husband. I buy my own groceries and cook my own food and do my own laundry anyway. I do everything on my own. Nobody need me in this house and I don’t have a reason to stay here either. Every time my sister go out with her husband and their son, neither of them invite me to tag along. And when they bought food, nobody invite me to share or even have a little taste. I guess they don’t want me to be the third wheel in their happy little family. I am nobody. I meant nothing to them. I’m just here to share paying the bills. And other things that convenient for them (online banking, babysitting, etc). 

And people say the youngest child is always the spoiled one.

[rainyrin]

Whoever said that the youngest child is the (most) spoiled child, is definitely not the youngest child themselves. That’s why they never know how the youngest child is the forgettable child. Or how people have such a high expectation for younger child to be as successful as their elder siblings. And how the parents always blame anything and everything that is wrong on the youngest  child because they assume the elder child are more discipline and generally just better than the younger child so they must have never make any mistake, unlike the youngest child. Or how the elder siblings will forget about the youngest child once they have their own family. Who cares if the youngest child have no friend, no partner, no spouse, no kids? As long as the elder siblings are happy with their own little family (spouse, kids, partner, etc) then that’s all that matter. Right?

I am the youngest child. Yet I am the least loved one in this so called family. I am the forgettable one. Both of my parents have passed away and all my elder siblings are married and have their own kids. And guess who still remember that I exist? No one. No one is interested to hear my story. No one ask me how I was when I traveled thousand miles away from home, alone. No one knows that I have resigned from my job, and why I resigned. Because no one cares. My siblings don’t care. I have no friends, no partner, no spouse, no kids. I have no one. Literally, no one. 

So why should I stay alive?

[rainyrin]

It’s been months since I last spoke to one of my closest friend. I would call her my best friend, but I know I wasn’t her best friend so I have no right to call her as my best friend. 

And since last two weeks another close friend of mine stop talking to me too. I was worried at first, thinking that something happened to her. But then I saw her updates on her online profiles so I know she’s okay. And I’m glad that she’s okay. 

I just wish we could be okay together.

People say that no matter how many times you’ve been hurt, you should always keep loving, keep trusting. But how? Every time I start to trust someone, every time I start to love someone, they will leave. They didn't even say goodbye. They just leave. And I don’t even know why they leave. Was it my fault? Am I too depressing to be around with? Am I a horrible friend? Am I too boring to hang out with? 

It really hurts to watch someone that you trust, care, and love could leave you behind just like that. To watch someone forgetting you, I wonder if they will cry if I die. I wonder if they will come to my funeral. I wonder if they will miss me when I’m no longer here. 

How does it feel to have a best friend? How does it feel to have someone that you can talk to? Someone that you can share laugh and tears with? Someone that will listen to you talking about your day? Someone who remember your special day, not because you (or Facebook) remind them but because they actually care enough to set their own reminder? How does it feel to have someone that you can talk to and listen to about anything and everything? 

How does it feel to have someone that would never leave you?

I don’t know if I will ever find out the answer. 

All I know is I’m tired. I’m tired of watching people leaving me. I’m tired of learning to trust and love someone only to watch them leaving me just when I started to trust and love them. I’m tired of being leave behind. I’m tired of being forgotten. I’m tired. 

[rainyrin]

Why did everyone leave? Was it me? Was it my fault? Am I too depressing? Too boring? Too broken? Too annoying?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm too depressing. I'm sorry that I'm boring. I'm sorry that I'm too broken. I'm sorry that I'm too annoying.

I'm sorry.

I'm really really sorry

[rainyrin]

[rainyrin]

Good bye my dear friends. 

It has been an honor to know you, even in the short period of time. I will keep all our memories with me. I know I will be nothing but just another chapter in your life. Nevertheless, I will always love you. You were my friend, and you will always be my friend. I'm sorry that I cannot be a better friend to you. 

I'm sorry that I cannot make you smile and laugh like how you made me smile and laugh. I know you don’t need me. I know you don’t want me. And I don’t blame you. People always left. It’s just in my fate. Don’t you worry, I will not disturb/bother you anymore. I’ve watch enough people leaving me to know exactly when someone no longer interested to stay with me.

I know you won’t see this. But I still want to wish you all the happiness and success in the world. You deserve it. I’ll be watching you from afar. I will pray for you. I hope you will always surrounded by love and happiness. And I will always remember you, until my last breathe.

Good bye my dear friends.

[rainyrin]

What do you do when you feel like your life is meaningless?

What do you do when you have nothing to look forward to anymore?

What do you do when everyone you care about, leave you behind?

What do you do when everyone you love, lose interest in you?

What do you do, when people finally fed up with you pushing them away so they decided to walk away?

What do you do when all you know is to push people away, when you really want to love and trust them?

What do you do when you don’t know how to love and trust anymore?

What do you do when you are all alone in your room, accompanied by your broken heart?

What do you do when you have to walk alone?

What do you do when you have to fights the demon alone?

What do you do when you are alone?

What do you do?

[rainyrin]

Maybe I am the bad siblings

Maybe I am the bad friends

Maybe I am the bad colleagues

Maybe it was my fault

Maybe that’s why everyone leave

[rainyrin]

I watch my siblings being happy.

I watch my friends being happy.

I watch everyone around me being happy.

And I’m happy for them. I’m glad they found their happiness.

I just wish I can be a part of that happiness.